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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just stop cooking for DP?

115 replies

BlueBananas · 30/10/2015 19:16

Me and "D"P are in the midst of day 2 of the same argument
Basically he came home last night and had a huge tantrum over his dinner, I'll try to summarise -
I'm due DC3 in 5 days time, we have a 6 year old and a 4 year old who are both currently on half term, we also have a very spoiled high maintenance dog
I am shattered and in a lot of pain
So Gordon Ramsay I have not been recently - shoot me!
DP is going on and on and on and on and on about how he's sick of going to work all day and "grafting his arse off" [he works in an office Hmm ] and coming home to "shitty freezer food" yet he doesn't ever do anything for himself - no offers to cook, no suggestions for things he would like to eat, not even at weekends, it's always just presumed I will do it - but then what I do isn't good enough!

So AIBU to tell him to go fuck himself and just stop bothering? Or is he really hard-done-by and long suffering with a lazy old bitch of a partner who dared to give him oven chips?

OP posts:
TheClacksAreDown · 30/10/2015 21:31

Most people complaining about their DPs not pulling their weight a) aren't about to give birth whilst looking after 2 other kids single handed key and b) importantly aren't describing this as the best their relationship has been. And anyway, he isn't trying to work out how things should be and adjust himself - you're the only one doing that, to your own detriment.

But anyway, you are where you are. So all I can advise is being very very clear on expectations going forward. Give an inch and he will take a mile.

TheAnimatedRemainsOfMaryz · 30/10/2015 21:42

Okaaaay

Dinner is the least of your problems I think.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 30/10/2015 21:43

Yeah, it is shocking, sorry
All of it

Flumplet · 30/10/2015 22:09

I had a similar situation with my dh, but my cooking was never good enough so I stopped cooking all together. He cooks, I wash up.

TracyBarlow · 30/10/2015 22:22

I have three very young children and am currently on mat leave so at home all day. My husband has two jobs. When he arrives home, usually I haven't started tea and the house is a mess. One of us looks after the kids while the other does tea. It doesn't matter who. I'd rather do tea TBH as I'm usually at the end of my tether in need of a little break from the kids by then. At the moment food is often frozen pie and chips etc as I just don't have time to prepare food from scratch every day.

We then eat together, then one washes up while the other tidies round. We bath the kids together then I put the younger to bed while he does the older two.

Housework is not my job. Looking after the children is my job. We fit the housework around childcare and work duties as and when we can.

This is normal among most of my friends.

I can't believe you're having another child with a man who values the work you do so little. I don't think I could live like that. Good luck Flowers

FlowersAndShit · 30/10/2015 22:31

I have zero sympathy for you. You continue to allow him to be a twat and keep bringing children into this mess. STOP IT

Original poster
BlueBananas · 30/10/2015 22:46

Erm thanks flowers, wasn't looking for your sympathy Hmm
There isn't a "mess" there is one disagreement right now, how I bow down to you all who don't have disagreements/arguments with their partners

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 30/10/2015 22:52

I came back to this thread and laughed at the comment from hate this.
Then I read on and felt so sad for you. See I'm a stay at home mum but when I've been unable to cook from scratch or caught up looking after the kids and the house looks awful my DH would never dream of commenting.
Isn't it about time he treated you with some respect or left aren't you supposed to be a team?

G1veMeStrength · 30/10/2015 22:54

Oh OP you don't deserve this flaming. But yes your DP needs to massively step up, start DOING and stop moaning. I am sure he is capable as it's not actually difficult to cook/clean etc it's just difficult when you are heavily pregnant and looking after 2 other children!

chillycurtains · 30/10/2015 22:54

Under normal circumstances he's not bu to want something more than convenience food BUT not a few days before your due date. He's being a pig. Maybe unleash some pregnancy hormones on him. Grin

MorrisZapp · 30/10/2015 22:57

Well, good luck then. What could possibly go wrong.

Original poster
BlueBananas · 30/10/2015 23:00

Thankyou Wolfie this all got a bit deeper than I intended really, I really would love to be able to talk about my relationship like everybody else on MN can but no matter what I say I seem to get lots of "you stupid woman and your poor children" type comments
Of course I wish he respected me more, but honestly we are getting there
He has issues, that much is clear, don't we all? But I can genuinely see that he is trying
We still argue, we always will, but I don't feel the need to drag the past into every disagreement we ever have. I'd only drive myself insane doing that

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueBananas · 30/10/2015 23:01

Thankyou G1veMeStrength

OP posts:
TooOldForGlitter · 30/10/2015 23:20

It's not shocking it's just so so sad that you've consigned yourself to this life of treating a man as if he's some precious thing to be coddled and kept. He's just a fucking man. A lazy useless selfish man with as much useful worth as a turd. Honey, if you could just use my crystal ball and see yourself and your kids 12 months from now - you'd be dancing round the kitchen.

TooOldForGlitter · 30/10/2015 23:25

Oh and I've been there. I married at 20. First one came along at 21. I thought I was a good wife if I ironed his shirts and cooked his teas. My teas weren't good enough (too much veg) so I cooked frozen chips n kievs n beans. Wasn't enough food for a busy working man (accountant). So I tried stir fries and noodle curries. He doesn't eat foreign food. It took me a while to figure out that the toxic ingredient in my cooking was him. Please, OP, don't vanish. It's horrid to hear. Tell us all we're wrong just stay to let us help you see it.

ShebaShimmyShake · 30/10/2015 23:28

OP, I am not surprised at all to hear he's treated you like shit in other ways as well. I have never known a man who threw strops over the food his wife/partner prepared while pregnant/a stay at home mother who wasn't immature, selfish and abusive. Your opening post alone was a huge red flag to me. It's a sign of entitlement and a sense of ownership. My abusive twat of a father liked to throw tantrums (and household objects) because my mother wasn't Mary Bell enough for his crap tastes. Every so often, though, he'd make a curry or something for fun, take all afternoon doing it during which nobody was allowed to enter the kitchen, use every pan (and not even put them in the dishwasher) and then go on and on and on at everyone to eat it. He got sulky once when I didn't want a bowl of it after getting home at 11pm having been out for dinner.

Making dinner is something we all have to do before we have kids and work full time so I have never understood why so many men think that it's so beneath them once they've reproduced.

CassieBearRawr · 30/10/2015 23:28

I really would love to be able to talk about my relationship like everybody else on MN can but no matter what I say I seem to get lots of "you stupid woman and your poor children" type comments

What advice do you think you should get instead? Honestly, in the face of a man who has twice cheated on his pregnant partner and left her but has now returned and does nothing but criticise and complain, what advice and comments do you really think people will give?

No one is going to tell you this is normal and ok.

ShebaShimmyShake · 30/10/2015 23:29

Oh my God, I meant Mary Berry!!!

Wolfiefan · 30/10/2015 23:30

Blue I'm glad you didn't think I had my judgy pants on!
Chat away. I'm not in your relationship so I can't judge. You are clearly working on this and frankly being pg and with kids already is hard enough.
Xx

TooOldForGlitter · 30/10/2015 23:32

They think its beneath them after they've bred because, well, patriarchy. Don't tell me there's no need for feminism anymore Wink

IAmNotAWitch · 30/10/2015 23:32

God this is sad.

Why OP? What are you getting from being with this selfish lose?

TooOldForGlitter · 30/10/2015 23:37

Imagine these men don't live with their partners. They still have three children they just don't live with those children. They're still head wankjob at NW Electricity and they still get to wear the suit and drive the Audi. When they go home, who does their tea? Well they do. Or they order in. At what point does marriage or moving in, somehow disable this man from cooking his own or ringing up? It doesn't. It's 2015. Nearly 2016. You are not here to make a man's life easier.

BuggersMuddle · 30/10/2015 23:50

OP, leaving aside you're updates which make him look like a massive knob YABU at all.

DP and I both work full time and take equal responsibility for cooking, although in practice I tend to end up doing the meal planning, but that is mostly because I need to watch my diet for health reasons.

I could offer all kinds of tips for batch cooking for better freezer meals; slow cooking; soups that are meals; quick dinners, but I am not sure this will help when dealing with a whining man who's banging on about his dinner to a women who's massively pregnant and looking after other small children. DP and I are at least on equal footing (both fit, well, same familial responsibilities, not pregnant).

Unreasonablebetty · 31/10/2015 01:38

I love that he's "grafting his arse off" SmileGrinSmileGrin
I've known people to graft their arses off, never known it to be in an office. I'm not saying that it can't be hard, but seriously, he has no reason to act so self entitled, my husband comes home freezing from work, often dirty with a new bruise or two to show us, spends a few minutes telling us about his day, and if I've cooked dinner he seems more than greatful, he wouldn't give a fuck what it was if it was edible. And I have one child. Not his, and I'm not pregnant...

Dungandbother · 31/10/2015 07:20

Blue
At least you are aware of his foibles. You can choose to work through them within your relationship.

Once baby arrives, maybe you should make a list of your boundaries and tuck it away somewhere. Check it every now and then to make sure he isn't pushing you a little further bit by bit.
Thanks for baby and you