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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just stop cooking for DP?

115 replies

BlueBananas · 30/10/2015 19:16

Me and "D"P are in the midst of day 2 of the same argument
Basically he came home last night and had a huge tantrum over his dinner, I'll try to summarise -
I'm due DC3 in 5 days time, we have a 6 year old and a 4 year old who are both currently on half term, we also have a very spoiled high maintenance dog
I am shattered and in a lot of pain
So Gordon Ramsay I have not been recently - shoot me!
DP is going on and on and on and on and on about how he's sick of going to work all day and "grafting his arse off" [he works in an office ] and coming home to "shitty freezer food" yet he doesn't ever do anything for himself - no offers to cook, no suggestions for things he would like to eat, not even at weekends, it's always just presumed I will do it - but then what I do isn't good enough!

So AIBU to tell him to go fuck himself and just stop bothering? Or is he really hard-done-by and long suffering with a lazy old bitch of a partner who dared to give him oven chips?

OP posts:

PantryofWhoGivesAFuck · 30/10/2015 20:05

And make sure you eat before he comes home.

ethelb · 30/10/2015 20:07

I think the whole 'thinking about food thing' is generally underappreciated by people who don't do it.

I wouldn't just stop cooking, I would get him to do the supermarket shop (or whatever you do) this week so he gets a better idea of what is involved. But don't complain if it isn't what you would do.... that maybe what he is counting on. You do need to have nerves of steel.

FannyFanakapan · 30/10/2015 20:07

My DH once told me I had ironed his shirt wrong. Oh dear, dear, dear, what a silly, silly man. I stopped ironing his shirts that day - about 20 years ago. On the very very rare occasion I do iron one - if he is in a mad rush to pack and catch a flight for example, (4 years ago) he is very very grateful and appreciative.

stop cooking for him.

Melfish · 30/10/2015 20:07

Some months ago DH and I had a disagreement about cooking meals and doing his washing and he now does his own. He works shifts and it is far better that he makes his own meals as I don't particularly want my lunch at 3pm etc. he seems to subsist on tinned casserole and fish and salad but he seems content enough so it is a win win (except he is rather rubbish at washing up). He does his own food shopping too.
Tell your DH if he doesn't like what you've cooked he knows where the cooker is if he wants to make himself something more to his liking. I wouldn't bother cooking for him at the moment, just for you and the children and carry on like that after the baby is born
I'm sorry but you probably already know what he will be doing on paternity leave, and I doubt it will be the chores!

trollkonor · 30/10/2015 20:07

hatethis22 love it.

Armi · 30/10/2015 20:08

Twat.

The older I get, the more I feel like there are far too many of these entitled fuckers around. Surely if culling badgers is legal there must be a case for a cull of these sorry contributors to the gene pool.

TheAnimatedRemainsOfMaryz · 30/10/2015 20:11

He is a twat, and YwouldnNBatallU to never cook for him again.

However, I suspect that it's not the cooking that's a problem for you atm, it's the deciding what to cook and shopping for the ingredients and it might be quite nice for you to have proper meals but with much less hassle.

So a compromise could be - he does the shopping, he makes the menu suggestions and ensures all the ingredients are there (and he does the washing up). That way you all get a nice meal, the pressure is off you, and if the food is shit it's his fault because he hasn't bothered to think ahead and make sure everything is there.

That arrangement would suit me, as I don't mind cooking. I really HATE all the faff around what to cook though.

IHaveBrilloHair · 30/10/2015 20:14

Point him towards the takeaway, and your foot towards his bollocks.

expatinscotland · 30/10/2015 20:14

What Armi said. I'd stop cooking for him, at the least. What will he do for the 3 weeks? Probably sit on his arse and expect you to wait on him. Don't.

HannahHobbins · 30/10/2015 20:18

I would also stop cooking for him right now, what an Arsebiscuit.

Baconyum · 30/10/2015 20:18

Does he do ANYTHING to help?

My ex was/is a twat of the highest order but even he wouldn't have been this stupid when I was that pregnant!

'Pick a windae pal you and the dinner are leaving!'

Never mind not cooking I wouldn't be doing anything for this ungrateful cock!

LindyHemming · 30/10/2015 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HopefulHamster · 30/10/2015 20:28

How does he help out generally? Does you work or stay at home?

Not that it matters. I'm flabbergasted anyone would be so rude to their pregnant partner and not be doing some of the cooking already!

MamaLazarou · 30/10/2015 20:33

YANBU! Go on strike!

QueenArseClangers · 30/10/2015 20:34

When I was heavily pregnant with DC5 my DH would dash back from work, take over childcare, run the Hoover round and make dinner.
Same when he was on paternity leave. My job was to recover and breastfeed the baby whilst he took over everything else. Because that's what decent husbands/partners do when you're carrying their child ffs!

FusionChefGeoff · 30/10/2015 20:36

He can jog on.

My DH is pretty useless in the food department but he genuinely doesn't seem to care what he eats and wouldn't even dare to criticise as he appreciates just how much effort goes into the food - even if it is sausages, beans and chips.

Tomorrow, send him a text "kids and I are having turkey twizzlers, Findus crispy pancakes with super noodles at 5.30 so if you don't fancy that you need to sort yourself out". Firm but fair.

And as for the fact that you are massively pregnant whilst single handedly taming two older ones on a fucking awful, wet half term - I can't even let that rage into my head for fear of what might happen.

fuzzywuzzy · 30/10/2015 20:36

Yesterday I cooked a really rubbish curry I forgot to add essential ingredients including chillies. DP ate it all told me I was a wonderful cook and insisted it was amazing eve after I told him was rubbish and apologised, he wouldn't let me apologise kept insisting it was the best meal (I was grumpy that the much looked forward to meal was crap).

We all forgot about it.

I did used to be married to a specimen who would rant and rave at my cooking kept telling me the food I cooked was terrible, but still eat it. Best thing I did was to leave the areswipe, he never cooked himself.

Can you actually sit down with your husband and discuss this together without losing your tempers? Would he be reasonable about it?

maras2 · 30/10/2015 20:37

I thought you were chucking him out a while ago.What happened? He sounds really horrible and so does not deserve you or your children.What will you do? You know that he won't change.How unkind to treat you so badly especially when you're expecting his baby.Not much advice,love but perhaps try Women's Aid if you need housing or financial help but keep posting here as the women here are so knowledgeable and supportive.Wish I could be helpful,I hate to see women treated like this by nasty little tyrants.

Original poster

BlueBananas · 30/10/2015 20:38

He doesn't really do anything at home tbh, not unless I very specifically ask
I'm a stay at home mum at the moment, so I regularly hear cries of "the housework is your job" which is usually met with "yes which is fine, just don't pick on the things I haven't done or haven't done well or moan when I drop the ball slightly because that is the equivalent of me coming into your office after you've worked hard all day and taking a shit on your desk and smearing it all over everything you've got to show for your time!"
He does work full time and he does cycle 10 miles there and back each day to save us travel money so I don't mind him not doing much when he gets home - I just don't expect him to criticise my work the same way I don't criticise his!

And yes I do want more from him while I'm sooooo pregnant, but he clearly doesn't think I need it

And don't worry I will be doing absolutely nothing housework wise while he's on paternity leave
Nothing!

OP posts:

BoffinMum · 30/10/2015 20:38

Armi, I am sure there is a case for that but not helped if MNetters assist in allowing them to perpetuate their genes, frankly.

OhBigHairyBollocks · 30/10/2015 20:39

"Point him towards the takeaway, and your foot towards his bollocks"

FusionChefGeoff · 30/10/2015 20:40

Ok now genuine question - how would he respond to "As you know, I am going to be very busy with the baby when he/she arrives and I will need you to organise food for all of us. If you don't like the freezer food, shall I run you through how to cook a basic spag Bol recipe now so you have at least 1 proper meal in your repertoire?"

Nanny0gg · 30/10/2015 20:40

What did he do when you were pregnant with your other children?

Original poster

BlueBananas · 30/10/2015 20:43

maras I was, I did, he changed for a while and tbh this is the first disagreement we've had since, he was really lovely for a while and still is most of the time
We have issues yes, but I am generally much firmer and stronger with him this time and I'm getting much better reactions and in general he is much much better
I know I sound like a bit of a wet fish but we are getting on better and others have noticed

OP posts:

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 30/10/2015 20:43

And don't worry I will be doing absolutely nothing housework wise while he's on paternity leave Nothing!

Bollocks you won't. You've got a 1950s set up and you accept it (no the housework isn't automatically your job) so why are you surprised? You've got yourself a lazy, sexist man and he's not going to magically transform into a decent partner. But you have completely enabled this situation and should hardly be surprised!

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