To not tell friend why she hasn't been invited to my party?

[VenusInFauxFurs]

Earlier this year, in April, I went to a friend's band's gig with some friends. Friends were two couples - I know the first couple pretty well and the other was a friend I've known from school but not been particularly close to and her husband who I have only met on a handful of occasions. (Let's call this second couple Sarah and Dave.) My then eighteen year old daughter and her boyfriend also came.

A couple of days after the event, my daughter rang me to tell me that she thought that Dave had been acting in a sleazy way towards her. The dancefloor had been completely jampacked but dd thought that Dave had been trying to manoeuvre his way so that he was dancing way too close to her in a way she wasn't comfortable with. And that his whole attitude had been kind of sleazy. She had mentioned it to her boyfriend the next day but then had put it out of her head because there was nothing definite she could put her finger on and she had been quite drunk so thought she might have misinterpreted.

However, after the event she received several friend requests from Dave via social media. That's when she rang me to say "Is this weird?" and told me about Dave's behaviour on the gig night. I agreed that it was totally bloody weird and inappropriate and wrong. She decided she would just ignore/block the friend requests and would let me know if he tried to contact her again which he hasn't.

I haven't seen Sarah and Dave since then. (I didn't go to a gig a few months ago when I realised that Sarah and Dave would be the only people I knew there.)

I have spoken to a couple of mutual friends about it. The first was outraged on dd's behalf, the second (part of the other couple from the gig) kind of tried to minimise it. I don't know if it is relevant but Dave is quite a bit younger than his wife - still closer in age to me than my daughter but probably not that much in it.

I did wonder if I should contact Sarah to let her know but have taken the coward's way out and not done anything.

The thing is, I have a party this weekend which I hold every year. Sarah and Dave have come for the last 4 years or so. I haven't invited them this year. I have no problem with Sarah but I definitely do not want to invite Dave into my house.

I totally believe my dd when she thought that Dave was acting inappropriately. Women know when they're being sleazed over. He was probably drunk too, but the whole thing kind of horrifies me. Not only was his wife and dd's boyfriend (and mother!) there, I think my friends and their partners should be like aunties and uncles to my daughter. She has plenty of people on hitting on her in pubs and clubs. When she's out with her mum's friends she should be safe from that sort of thing.

Should I have let Sarah know about this? Should I email her to let her know why she's not been invited? Other people at the party might well ask whether they're coming or mention it to her (they've shared lifts with other friends in previous years). Pictures will probably go up on FB after the event. If other people ask, I don't want to be all "because I don't like Dave" and start gossiping about them, particularly if Sarah has no idea. Maybe she knows her husband in sleazy when drunk, maybe it was a one-off. I assume, without any other kind of evidence, most wives would dismiss this.

Am I being a terrible coward about this whole thing, basically? I'm basically ignoring it. AIBU to do so?

My god. I've just read all this thread and sorry, but I do think it's a bit drama llama.

Yes, he sounds like he COULD be sleazy. The instance at the club I wouldn't necessarily have strung him up for, but the repeated friend requests on social media do sound a bit odd.

If you don't want to invite them then don't, however, as another poster has stated, I think it is desperately unkind to not say anything to Sarah. She is probably feeling really left out and hurt and has no idea why she's been excluded. Really not a nice way to behave OP.

Make up a lie if you don't want to have the awkward 'your husband's a sleaze' talk, but FGS, don't just not say anything. I feel really sorry for her.

Are you and her actually good friends though or is she just a random acquaintance?

you cannot do repeated friend requests in Facebook, you send an invitation and Facebook keeps reminding you about it. You can't invite someone twice.

I understood that to mean not just Facebook. Facebook asks once and that's it, but it stays unless you dismiss it.

I assumed that when she said 'several requests' she meant over different platforms. So a request on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. Rather than sending the requests repeatedly when they'd already been turned down.

Pseudo341 I have to agree with you. Girls are given the message early that they have to be the ones to avoid these types of situation, that it's their fault if they get inappropriate attention,

There are still large parts of society that won't call someone out for doing anything that makes someone else uncomfortable, so of course a girl, like OP's DD is going to question whether it is inappropriate in the first place.

We don't tell boys/men to rein their behaviour in and it's about time we do start telling men where to get off.

We still have too many apologists for poor behaviour.

And the idea that it'll be all the fault of OP's DD if this marriage fails is wrong. I bet he's sleazed over others, OP's DD won't be the first, so it'll be his fault, cos it's his behaviour.

How's the party? Any sign of unwanted guests?

RE the FB friend request. I think you should text your friend or mention casually next conversation you have and say "I think your DP sent DD a friend request by mistake. We're assuming it was a mistake anyway, as we thought it a bit odd that your DP was sending friend requests to someone 18 years younger - all her FB friends are her own age life, or they are relatives. So tell him he must have pressed the button by mistake."

I dont think your DD is over dramatising as some unkind posters have said. I would have known at 18 whether someone was sleazing or not and I was a very immature inexperienced 18. the fact that he then sent friend requests to a girl half his age reinforces there was some original interest and intent that he then followed up. I would do what curlyhairedassassin said tbh. You will probably find he has form for it sadly. If I have learnt only one thing in life its that people are predictable and have patterns of behaviour that rarely alter.

I would have known at 18 whether someone was sleazing or not Me too and they often were. I really hope that if DD tells me or anyone else about her feeling uncomfortable and like someone is being inappropriate, she will be listened to.

Hello! Party was great, thanks. Nobody asked after Sarah and Dave. So there was no weirdness.

Thanks so much for all your responses. Really appreciated.

A couple of posters said I was being a drama llama. Tbh, I was trying to deal with the situation in as UNdramatic was as possible. I am just going to drop it. If there had been something more (like actual groping or continued attempts to contact dd), I would have contacted Sarah. As it is, I think the situation is too vague and open to other interpretations so unless Sarah asks me directly, I'm not going to say anything.

For those of you asking how close I am to Sarah, I have known her since we were at secondary school (a loooong time ago ) but she was more a FOAF than a friend. She is part of a wider group of people I am still in touch with from school. We see each other at parties and special occasions but wouldn't meet up just the two of us.

Off to tackle the rest of the post party washing up now.

Good outcome, OP. You sound far too reasonable for AIBU!

so a mother shd not validate her dd but let her know she does not beleive her, teach her that she shd not trust her instincts and that her m is not going to act to protect her in her own home ? and this is advice on MN?
Op there is no way to avoid the mess , so best to take control and tell sara yourself what your dd experienced and that is why you will not have dave in your dd's home. Sara will either accept this or not. I doubt she does not know what he is like,as the man who chose to do what he tried on your dd has def tried sim with other young women. Preempt the shit storm and try to limit it.

That's great OP. FWIW, I would much rather teach my DD that her experience and feelings are valid, that people will listen when she is uncomfortable and that she is allowed to set her boundaries where she wishes, than teach her to be compliant, undramatic and that she should doubt her instincts.

It makes me sad that other posters are reinforcing the trope that teenage girls make shit up and are no to be trusted. Rather than acknowledge that they are very frequently the victim of predatory, sleazy, older men.

maybe your other guests just breathed a sigh of relief! maybe he's a serial letter....

letter? letcher! bloody autocorrect.

You sound far too reasonable for AIBU

Ha ha! Thank you Irene. This was my first AIBU thread. I was just relieved not to be set upon by a fuckload of vipers.

To be fair though, I asked "AIBU?", got a variety of different responses and then did exactly what I was planning to do anyway. Standard AIBUer really.

Well done OP, for taking your DD seriously. The social media requests are quite damning and for those saying there was an overreaction to the behavior at the concert, if it was enough to give your DD pause it should be highlighted rather than dismissed outright, as you have done. It COULD have been innocent/accidental, but you would have thought in such a crowded situ "Dave" would have gone out of his way to NOT be in such proximity to your DD to avoid any awkwardness?
My friend's Ex-H was very good at coming on to her friends but so subtly that when they invariably reacted badly/ called him on it, he was able to turn it around and say that they were imagining it/ misinterpreting it, and that they must have designs on HIM! As a result everyone was left thinking it must be their fault somehow, and feeling so guilty that it never came to light until after my friend left him due to his repeated affairs. So, Dave's behavior might have been innocent, but it is worth marking, as guys that are good at this inappropriateness and get away with it long-term push the boundaries subtly-enough that they are able to back-track and deflect if called on it. So, I think the fact your DD wasn't actually groped, doesn't necessarily mean there wouldn't have been possibly some cause for concern.

There are few things more pathetic than a thirtysomething man trying to pull a teenager on a dance floor. Gross. No wonder your daughter felt awkward. I'd be really aggrieved if I were you and I don't blame you for not inviting them to your party.

You could always suggest a dinner for the women only, over Christmas, if you want to stay in touch with Sarah but not with him. Although it's pretty difficult to be friends with only one half of a couple long-term.