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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell friend why she hasn't been invited to my party?

119 replies

VenusInFauxFurs · 29/10/2015 17:19

Earlier this year, in April, I went to a friend's band's gig with some friends. Friends were two couples - I know the first couple pretty well and the other was a friend I've known from school but not been particularly close to and her husband who I have only met on a handful of occasions. (Let's call this second couple Sarah and Dave.) My then eighteen year old daughter and her boyfriend also came.

A couple of days after the event, my daughter rang me to tell me that she thought that Dave had been acting in a sleazy way towards her. The dancefloor had been completely jampacked but dd thought that Dave had been trying to manoeuvre his way so that he was dancing way too close to her in a way she wasn't comfortable with. And that his whole attitude had been kind of sleazy. She had mentioned it to her boyfriend the next day but then had put it out of her head because there was nothing definite she could put her finger on and she had been quite drunk so thought she might have misinterpreted.

However, after the event she received several friend requests from Dave via social media. That's when she rang me to say "Is this weird?" and told me about Dave's behaviour on the gig night. I agreed that it was totally bloody weird and inappropriate and wrong. She decided she would just ignore/block the friend requests and would let me know if he tried to contact her again which he hasn't.

I haven't seen Sarah and Dave since then. (I didn't go to a gig a few months ago when I realised that Sarah and Dave would be the only people I knew there.)

I have spoken to a couple of mutual friends about it. The first was outraged on dd's behalf, the second (part of the other couple from the gig) kind of tried to minimise it. I don't know if it is relevant but Dave is quite a bit younger than his wife - still closer in age to me than my daughter but probably not that much in it.

I did wonder if I should contact Sarah to let her know but have taken the coward's way out and not done anything.

The thing is, I have a party this weekend which I hold every year. Sarah and Dave have come for the last 4 years or so. I haven't invited them this year. I have no problem with Sarah but I definitely do not want to invite Dave into my house.

I totally believe my dd when she thought that Dave was acting inappropriately. Women know when they're being sleazed over. He was probably drunk too, but the whole thing kind of horrifies me. Not only was his wife and dd's boyfriend (and mother!) there, I think my friends and their partners should be like aunties and uncles to my daughter. She has plenty of people on hitting on her in pubs and clubs. When she's out with her mum's friends she should be safe from that sort of thing.

Should I have let Sarah know about this? Should I email her to let her know why she's not been invited? Other people at the party might well ask whether they're coming or mention it to her (they've shared lifts with other friends in previous years). Pictures will probably go up on FB after the event. If other people ask, I don't want to be all "because I don't like Dave" and start gossiping about them, particularly if Sarah has no idea. Maybe she knows her husband in sleazy when drunk, maybe it was a one-off. I assume, without any other kind of evidence, most wives would dismiss this.

Am I being a terrible coward about this whole thing, basically? I'm basically ignoring it. AIBU to do so?

OP posts:
FayKorgasm · 30/10/2015 08:05

Your poor dd. If Dave is so carelessly sleazy then I would hazard a guess that Sarah is well aware of his crap but has an attitude like Beach that these slutty teen girls in scanty clothes just love the drama and attention.

OP I would not invite them and tell Dave why. No ambiguity, just tell him that his behaviour towards your daughter was inappropriate and unwelcome and that is why they are not invited. Then kick the dirty pervert in the goolies

Blu · 30/10/2015 08:08

I too believe your dd, and do not think he should be allowed to carry on pressing unwanted attentions.

Culturally in the UK we have a difficulty being direct within the bounds of what we see as 'polite'. Women are also conditioned to have difficulty in being clear and assertive.

Your dd is an adult, you are a fully grown woman, and while I do feel the discomfort , I think the next part of recognizing that attentions are unwanted is practicing saying so. Rather than living with all this anxiety about invites and hiding photos on FB, and worry about an aquaintance popping in or being at the same party, find your inner steely core, the one that is built on your knowledge that it is ok to state your feelings about feeling uncomfortable , or wanting some one to back off, and set your dd an example that will set her up well for life. Tell him, and move on, head held high.

eddielizzard · 30/10/2015 08:13

no text. no explanation. you don't have to explain yourself at your own party!

if asked, and i'd be surprised if anyone said anything, i'd say space is an issue and there were some other friends you wanted to see that you haven't seen for years. or some such shit.

if sarah asks then i would tell her the truth in a gentle way.

as for all this crap about 18 yo being children, of course they're adults. what's drama got to do with it? of course you know when some bloke is brushing his crotch against you and if it's unwanted it's fucking disgusting. even worse if it's your mum's friend.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 30/10/2015 08:14

because there was nothing definite she could put her finger on and she had been quite drunk so thought she might have misinterpreted OP - I gave you my opinion, which is to calm the fuck down. You reply in a very hysterical way. This is drama overload. Your daughter (as quoted above) isn't even sure if he was sleezy. And what is sleezy exactly? They were both pissed up. Now, had he groped her, I would be the first person to go bonkers. But he didn't. At most it was a "look". Do you want to blow your friends marriage up for this? You've already told other people about this "event", so now people will be talking behind your friends back. I'm sorry but I think you are blowing this up out of all proportion and I don't think you're a very good friend. You sound quite unhinged.

saffronwblue · 30/10/2015 08:24

I love the message you are giving dd that her sexual safety is more important than social niceties. There is so much pressure on women not to speak up and rock the boat.

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 30/10/2015 08:28

Calm the fuck down

Hysterical

Unhinged

How predictable Hmm

Georgethesecond · 30/10/2015 08:29

No she doesn't.

Georgethesecond · 30/10/2015 08:29

Sound unhinged that is.

IguanaTail · 30/10/2015 08:29

What's your plan then OP? What are you going to do? Isn't the party tomorrow?

SlaggyIsland · 30/10/2015 08:32

Beach are you still deliberately overlooking the fact that the man made numerous attempts to contact this young girl after the event?
You sound like every other minimising arsehole out there to be honest.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 30/10/2015 08:39

Slaggy The Op said herself ...... because there was nothing definite she could put her finger on and she had been quite drunk so thought she might have misinterpreted And this happened 7 months ago and the OP has taken no action in all that time. If something tangible had happened, she would have addressed it at the time. There was absolutely no sexual assault, as some PP have suggested. I personally would watch the situation. I would not talk about it behind Sarah's back, to other people. I think that's bitchy and really mean. And overly dramatic.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 30/10/2015 08:40

And the fact you have to call me an arsehole, just because I am trying to calm the situation down, makes you sounds overly dramatic too.

SlaggyIsland · 30/10/2015 08:43

Still overlooking the fact that the man tried to contact the OPs daughter then. Fair enough.
Yes that's me. Drama drama drama, you know what us girls are like.

Brioche201 · 30/10/2015 08:44

I don't think you should say anything to Sarah.Even if he was sleazing, she is bound to ask why your DD thought this.Dancing close on a 'jam packed' dance floor and sending 'friend' requests are hardly reasonable grounds for rocking their marriage.
What does your DD mean 'multiple friend requsts'? Does she mean that she dismissed his request and he kept resending it, or does she mean a single request on more than one application.Second weird.First normal

IguanaTail · 30/10/2015 08:44

How did he do the "several" friend requests?

prettywhiteguitar · 30/10/2015 08:45

I think the face he tried to FB her is very damning, no one does that to their friends children.

As for your reaction op I think you have it spot on. Any other engaging with the couple is engaging drama. I'm pretty sure Sarah will have San idea of what's he's like

IguanaTail · 30/10/2015 08:45

I would be mortified if I was Sarah and my friend was discussing this behind my back.

VintageTrouble · 30/10/2015 08:47

So if I turned round to my DH and said that I felt threatened by what I felt were the sexually motivated actions of his friend of a friend, and he said to me that I was overly dramatic, and that he would invite this FOAF into our house because it would be awkward not to, I would consider leaving him.

The fact that the OP has taken her DD's word and is supporting her, will be why her DD has an appropriate sense of her own worth and knows that her feelings are more important that some bloke her mother hardly knows.

Really OP you should tell Dave and Sarah exactly why. He has created the awkward situation not you or your DD. If I heard this in my social circle, I'd be keeping an eye on Dave, not blaming the dd or dm who had brought it up.

TheTigerIsOut · 30/10/2015 08:47

If she asks, you tell her, otherwise you leave it at that.

I'm of the idea that I only bring people I like into my house. If I don't like them, I don't invite them in to see if they behave better or minimise my child's concerns for people I hardly know.

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 30/10/2015 08:52

I would be more upset my husband was sleazy around my friends daughter and even if I could fool myself and dismiss that I couldn't his contacting her on fb

Why do we minimise sleazy behaviour surely we should be teaching girls and young women that it is right to not accept it and it is right to call men out when they do

We would with young men and an older gay man acting like this

Booyaka · 30/10/2015 10:05

I think you are doing the right thing OP. Just don't invite them and don't say anything unless they ask, and if they do, tell the truth. They probably won't ask though.

Your first priority is to your daughter, and if she is saying something like this then yes, it is your duty to believe her. Her feeling safe and comfortable at your party is more important than Dave or Sarah being offended so you are doing the right thing.

BUT

I do agree with Beach as far as the 'hand grenade' into Sarah's marriage goes. I think the strength of what your daughter said justifies not being friends with them anymore and making sure that he's not around your daughter. I don't think that it justifies making accusations about him to his wife with very little to back it up. I think there is enough doubt about exactly what happened in the situation to hold off. The jam packed dancefloor, the fact they had both been drinking, the fact he didn't touch her. Just a general feeling that he was being sleazy really isn't enough grounds to be going around making accusations about people.

If you tell Sarah I don't think she will believe you, and I think the net result will be that Sarah and Dave will become very angry with you and DD and possibly get other friends involved.

I would hold off telling Sarah and just hope that they write it off as a friendship which has just fizzled out.

Pseudo341 · 30/10/2015 10:20

How the hell is telling his wife about his behaviour fucking up their marriage? His behaviour is what will fuck up his marriage, not some innocent victim daring to speak up about it. Everyone being so determined to play things like his down is what makes it so easy for men to get away with stuff. Of course an 18 year old is worrying she's read too much into it, they're trained to accept unwanted attention from men from a very young age, it's all her fault, of course it is, she's overreacting, he was just being friendly. If he's so innocent exactly why would a married man be attempting to befriend an 18 year old girl on FB? Seriously, someone please give me an explanation that isn't sleazy.

cleaty · 30/10/2015 10:39

I think Sarah deserves to know. What she does with what you say, is entirely up to her.

Blu · 30/10/2015 10:39

No need to play it down, or up. Just tell the person who is making unwanted approached to stop it,

Don't tell his DW, she isn't his keeper and she didn't do it. Don't let it fizzle out because he won't notice and he won't have been challenged.

Booyaka · 30/10/2015 12:16

Because what is his 'behaviour'? They were on a dancefloor which was jampacked and DD thought he was dancing too close. She thought she might have been trying to get close enough for them to touch but they didn't touch. She can't put her finger on what he did wrong but she just has a general feeling something wasn't quite right. He sent her a friend request after they'd met on a night out. Nobody else saw anything. This isn't really enough of an incident to start making accusations to someone's wife.

I think the OP is quite right to trust her daughters instinct as far as keeping this man away goes. But as for making accusations to his wife? There's just not enough to go on. Personally I think if the OP tells Sarah it's going to do nothing other than cause a massive uneccesary row and possibly draw other people in too.

I mean, can you imagine the conversation? The general gist of the conversation the OP would have to have with her is that 'My DD finds your husband sleazy and she doesn't really know why'. That's going to go down like a lead balloon.