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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell friend why she hasn't been invited to my party?

119 replies

VenusInFauxFurs · 29/10/2015 17:19

Earlier this year, in April, I went to a friend's band's gig with some friends. Friends were two couples - I know the first couple pretty well and the other was a friend I've known from school but not been particularly close to and her husband who I have only met on a handful of occasions. (Let's call this second couple Sarah and Dave.) My then eighteen year old daughter and her boyfriend also came.

A couple of days after the event, my daughter rang me to tell me that she thought that Dave had been acting in a sleazy way towards her. The dancefloor had been completely jampacked but dd thought that Dave had been trying to manoeuvre his way so that he was dancing way too close to her in a way she wasn't comfortable with. And that his whole attitude had been kind of sleazy. She had mentioned it to her boyfriend the next day but then had put it out of her head because there was nothing definite she could put her finger on and she had been quite drunk so thought she might have misinterpreted.

However, after the event she received several friend requests from Dave via social media. That's when she rang me to say "Is this weird?" and told me about Dave's behaviour on the gig night. I agreed that it was totally bloody weird and inappropriate and wrong. She decided she would just ignore/block the friend requests and would let me know if he tried to contact her again which he hasn't.

I haven't seen Sarah and Dave since then. (I didn't go to a gig a few months ago when I realised that Sarah and Dave would be the only people I knew there.)

I have spoken to a couple of mutual friends about it. The first was outraged on dd's behalf, the second (part of the other couple from the gig) kind of tried to minimise it. I don't know if it is relevant but Dave is quite a bit younger than his wife - still closer in age to me than my daughter but probably not that much in it.

I did wonder if I should contact Sarah to let her know but have taken the coward's way out and not done anything.

The thing is, I have a party this weekend which I hold every year. Sarah and Dave have come for the last 4 years or so. I haven't invited them this year. I have no problem with Sarah but I definitely do not want to invite Dave into my house.

I totally believe my dd when she thought that Dave was acting inappropriately. Women know when they're being sleazed over. He was probably drunk too, but the whole thing kind of horrifies me. Not only was his wife and dd's boyfriend (and mother!) there, I think my friends and their partners should be like aunties and uncles to my daughter. She has plenty of people on hitting on her in pubs and clubs. When she's out with her mum's friends she should be safe from that sort of thing.

Should I have let Sarah know about this? Should I email her to let her know why she's not been invited? Other people at the party might well ask whether they're coming or mention it to her (they've shared lifts with other friends in previous years). Pictures will probably go up on FB after the event. If other people ask, I don't want to be all "because I don't like Dave" and start gossiping about them, particularly if Sarah has no idea. Maybe she knows her husband in sleazy when drunk, maybe it was a one-off. I assume, without any other kind of evidence, most wives would dismiss this.

Am I being a terrible coward about this whole thing, basically? I'm basically ignoring it. AIBU to do so?

OP posts:
Original poster
VenusInFauxFurs · 29/10/2015 19:34

I think you've had a HUGE over reaction. Your DD is 18 and girls of this age are extremely emotional and dramatic.

Well, she's nineteen now. And we have a very close relationship and a pretty open dialogue about everything. She's not given to making shit up. Dave's behaviour made her very uncomfortable. She tried to minimise it afterwards because she had been drinking. And young women often try to minimise inappropriate and sexist behaviour. If he hadn't sent her several friend requests and messages on social media, she might not even have told me. I am bloody glad she did.

She gets hit on a lot in clubs and pubs and stuff. And she can can usually shake it off. But this happened when she was out with her mum and some of her mum's friends. When she brought it up with me her first question was "How well do you know Dave?". When I said "Hardly at all. Why?" She was relieved. I had to reassure her that even if it was someone I knew well, then she should still tell me. The other couple I was out with, for example, have known her since birth and regularly babysat her. It is unbelievably inappropriate for the husband of someone I went to school with to "flirt" (for want of a better term) with my daughter. Even if she is "legal".

Other poster's remarks that I should put Dave and my daughter in the same room and observe if anything dodgy goes on can fuck right off. Young women have enough unwanted sexual attention as it is. I am not facilitating it in my social group.

OP posts:
Georgethesecond · 29/10/2015 19:41

I think you should tell Sarah. The way a PP suggested is good - "I don't imagine he meant to, but Dave made DD feel very uncomfortable at xxx gig and I'm sure you understand I will back her up in avoiding him in future. I'm sorry but I can't invite you to the party".

HortonWho · 29/10/2015 19:41

You trust your daughter. None of us know what may or may not have happened but you trust your daughter and know she doesn't have history of overdramatising events.

You don't want to welcome back an acquaintance that made your child uncomfortable on a night out with you into your home. He didn't give a rats ass how his behaviour made anyone else feel on your night out.

Georgethesecond · 29/10/2015 19:41

In fact as I am a coward I would probably text her.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/10/2015 19:42

OP
You are right to trust your DD's instincts. Why is it that women are put under pressure to ignore uncomfortable feelings and be nice.

I thought one of my dad's friends was sleazy even though nothing was directed at me. I found out later he was a serial womaniser.

LongHardStare · 29/10/2015 19:43

You're allowed to let friends drop without a load of explaining. If they / anyone else questions why they're not there, just say you thought you'd have a smaller party and you're not that close. It doesn't really matter if people think there must be more to it. Presumably you don't make a habit of dropping friends so people aren't going to think badly of you.

You're not obliged to explain yourself or to be friends with anyone.

Original poster
VenusInFauxFurs · 29/10/2015 19:45

You trust your daughter. None of us know what may or may not have happened but you trust your daughter and know she doesn't have history of overdramatising events.

This. Absolutely, this. Thank you, Horton.

Even if there is some kind of shitstorm in the near future, this is what I need to remember.

OP posts:
Namechangenell · 29/10/2015 19:49

I'm going to go against the grain here and think you should tell Sarah - for the simple reason that I would want to know, if I were in her position. She's obviously going to be in a tricky position but that is not your, nor your DD's problem. Well done for protecting your DD, OP.

anothernumberone · 29/10/2015 19:54

OP I think you are doing the right thing. Plenty of people are ignoring the follow up social media friend requests on top of your daughters feelings of discomfort on the night. I think your dd has called it right and I think your handling has been absolutely spot on. I would not discuss it with anyone else just say casually they were not invited and just call it a day with Sarah and Dave. I don't think I would say anything to Sarah because I doubt she will listen.

Knitknatnottt · 29/10/2015 19:55

Op you are doing the right thing completely supporting your dd and her instincts- FFS to people saying overreaction?! If the behaviour made op's dd feel uncomfortable then who are you to decide whether 'he's' acting sleazy enough!
I would ignore and avoid- if sarah pushes for a explanation then give one but I wouldn't offer it

Namechangenell · 29/10/2015 19:57

And just to add, I don't have any of my parents' friends as my friends on FB. If FB had existed when I was 18, I certainly wouldn't have done either! Surely the whole point of FB for someone your DD's age is to have a place where she can share her personality and pics with her friends - not a sleazy middle aged man who is a vague acquaintance of her mum and dad. His repeated requests are just odd.

Original poster
VenusInFauxFurs · 29/10/2015 20:18

If they / anyone else questions why they're not there, just say you thought you'd have a smaller party and you're not that close.

Thanks, LongHardStare. I think this is what I need to do for Saturday. Just be all nonchalantly "Oh, I didn't invite them this year." It's my fucking party. I don't need to have reasons for not inviting people. Not being invited round my house on Saturday is the default.

OP posts:
cleaty · 29/10/2015 20:24

If I was Sarah, I would want to know too. But in your position I would probably just text a message to her such as, I am not inviting Dave again to my house, because of his inappropriate behaviour with my daughter. Let me know if you would like me to invite you to things on your own.

Original poster
VenusInFauxFurs · 29/10/2015 20:32

Thing is, cleaty, that would probably have been the correct thing to do a month ago when I sent out the invitations. The party is in two day's time.

I have been totally burying my head in the sand. I guess I am going to do what lots of other PPs have suggested and only address the situation with Sarah if she asks me.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 29/10/2015 20:36

I am amazed you would do something like not invite someone to a regular party and not say why. Desperately unkind.

And they're left thinking wtf. So unkind.

And the poster who said she would only say why if she was asked has to be the biggest cowardice.

cleaty · 29/10/2015 20:38

Its not too late to text that. The only way she would say yes is if she knows Dave is a creep, and is planning to leave him.

MammaTJ · 29/10/2015 20:42

You do not need evidence in order not to invite someone into your home who makes your DD uncomfortable!

It is enough that she told you this and you believe her!

I would have a word with Sarah though, just to ensure that they do not turn up anyway.

supadupapupascupa · 29/10/2015 20:48

the thing that would bother me is not so much the night out, but that he tried to contact her afterwards, persistently.

ChocolateFuzz · 29/10/2015 20:57

I don't think you should call him out on the basis that your daughter thinks he was being sleazy also I don't know where you got the idea that someone just knows when someone else is being sleazy towards them but I think you should disregard that idea. If you get evidence that he's done thingd like this in the past or see him doing this again while sober then by all means call him out and cut him off

AdjustableWench · 29/10/2015 21:00

I highly doubt your daughter is overreacting, and I think you're right to trust her.

Also, in my experience many women simply won't listen if they're told their husband is sleazy - in fact, many mothers won't believe their own daughters when they disclose sexual abuse. So I don't think there's much point in saying anything to 'Sarah', even if she asks directly (which I really don't think she will).

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 29/10/2015 21:03

Difficult as in how to approach it with his wife I know I wouldn't want to but I would and why not

I think it's a good example to show your daughter no you do not need to put up with sleazy behaviour from men of any age and secondly it's actually ok to call men out on this but not doing so it carries on

Why should we walk on eggshells just because it's what happens

Sadly from a young age we get used to this and we know when it is happening I knew from the age of 12 but of course I put up and shut up because that's just what we did now things are changing

anothernumberone · 29/10/2015 21:03

This is not a courtroom. There is no need to prove anything beyond a reasonable doubt. without question, it would be enough evidence for me, if some man made either of my daughters feel uncomfortable enough that they had to say something about it to me after an event I would be done with him.

The only question would be how I would handle dealing with a close friend. I would have to ask myself would it be kinder to voice my concerns or say absolutely nothing. In this instance I don't know there is much to be gained from saying something so I would hold my council until some further evidence made it more real for her. I do not think you are being unkind or unfair at all.

Purplepoodle · 29/10/2015 21:38

I think you need to send Sarah a message or something explaining why tbh it's a really cruel thing to completely freeze her out of social situations without an explanation.

ButtonMoon88 · 29/10/2015 21:50

Your DD was made to feel uncomfortable that would be enough for me to not want this man in my home.

You are right that they should not attend party but I'm stuck on how you should do it. Ideally this would have been discussed immediately after the gig but I realise friend requests didn't start pouring in until a couple of days later (which in itself is weird enough).

Honestly how close are you to Sarah? Could you call her and tell her something happened that made your DD feel unhappy? Because your DD wasn't physically touched you may face doubts, as you have on here, but that's irrelevant, no girl should be made to feel like that.

I think they need to know they aren't invited to party just so that they don't just turn up! Is DD's dad around? My DH would not allow a man in the house if he had made DD feel like that!

EponasWildDaughter · 29/10/2015 22:10

I have teen DDs and in all honesty if this happened to one of them i'd be contacting the man privately myself.

What would i say? .... I'd be direct and keep it short and say that i was ''unhappy about his behavior at X Y Z event towards my daughter, and not to expect any invites to upcoming events at our home in the future''.

IF he was interested in the why's and wherefore's or try to protest his innocence i'm afraid i'd decline to get into it any further. However, my gut feeling is that he wouldn't push it. It would be up to him then weather to be honest with his wife about the sudden lack of invites. But i'm betting he wouldn't do that either.

OP their marriage and Sarah's happiness isn't your responsibility. Although if you were brave enough to be honest with her about her DH then that would be ok on my book.