DS is transgender - or is he?

[LemonadeApex]

I’ve NCd for this as it's not just my confidentiality at stake, but I’m a regular. I’m posting in AIBU because it’s where I normally hang out and also for traffic as I feel pretty desperate for support.

My teenage DS has just come out to me and DH as transgender. He says he wants to pursue gender reassignment via hormone treatment and possibly eventually surgery. He says he’s ‘wondered’ about this for a while but only seriously been considering it for about a week. He says he is about 70% sure it’s what he wants. He wants to get started with hormone therapy asap. He seems to have done a great deal of reading on the web and has a clear, if intellectualised, grasp of what lies ahead medically, but he doesn’t seem to have given much thought to what comes next in daily life, eg who/when to tell, when/what he wants his younger siblings to know, the implications for his sexuality (he has zero sexual experience with either sex). He finds it very difficult to express what he feels, what’s actually going on in his head or why he wants this. He’s not great with words at the best of times though.

Obviously my foremost concern is to support him absolutely 100% in what he wants and needs. He’s a lovely kid, clever, funny, kind, responsible, and I just want him to be happy. I’m painfully aware of the statistics correlating gender transition and depression/suicide and don’t want to make a difficult path even harder for him by being anything other than accepting of his choices. At the same time, I’m feeling alarmed and upset, and so, so sad. I love him just as he is. Why can’t he feel the same way? If he goes ahead with this and ends up living as a woman, changing his name etc, the person he is now will be gone forever. He may not want us to mention his birth name or have photos of him as a boy, and of course we'd need to respect that. But it will be like he died. I can’t even type it without crying.

I’m also scared he's making a horrible mistake. Don’t most gender dysmorphic kids know they’re in the ‘wrong’ body from an early age? Aren’t they desperately distressed by the time they get to puberty? This isn't how I'd describe him on either count. He’s at an age where it’s normal to be consumed with angst about who and what you are. I think he’s also anxious about making the transition from boyhood to manhood. Is it possible that he’s conflating that confusion with things he’s reading on the web about other people’s gender dysmorphic experiences? I assume this is not a path many people go down in error, but we’re quite a liberal household and I think he'd be less afraid of experimenting with other identities than most kids his age. I want to support him if this is what he truly wants, but I’m also scared of supporting him so well with my knee-jerk liberalism that we all end up on a conveyor belt that ruins his life.

I’m very scared of getting this wrong for him and could really use some support and advice. If anyone can help with their insights and experiences, I would be so grateful. In particular, if anyone here is, or is related to, a young person who has been through this and has decided it was not the right path for them, I would be very grateful to hear your story – in absence of any anecdotal evidence to the contrary, I think I have to assume that he knows instinctively what is best for him. We are in the UK and he is under 18, if that helps anyone advise me on what to expect next. Apologies if I've given any offence with my attitudes or terminology btw. I'm in uncharted waters here. I am also distraught, so please be kind.

They are just people.

If you want both you are bi. I have never heard such a load shit as the posts here. You are talking about labels here. What the person actually is all along is straight, gay or bi.

Unless their sexuality is fluid...

So where have you got this idea that sexuality is eternally fixed throughout your lifetime, then, Ohbehave?
Suppose someone has only ever fancied women, they identify as a lesbian for years, then 20 years later they fall in love with a man. Were they lying? Or do you deny this happens? Why so wedded to sexuality never changing?

If that's true then the vast majority of people are bi. It's a small minority, I think, who have never had any experience, or even a crush, on somebody of the opposite sex to their normal preference.

But most people don't identify as bi. And really sexual preference isn't a measurable thing so it's subjective and therefore, of course it can change.

I feel as though this is derailing the thread a little, though.

"Born that way" is a useful concept for lesbian and gay kids growing up in conservative communities if it helps them gain acceptance. In a progressive community it is neither here nor there why a person is lesbian.

The only difference is that if you are transgender you require drugs and surgery which you don't if you are gay.

You says at as if it is a minor thing. It is a difference which completely explodes any comparison between being lesbian or trans. We encourage lesbian and gay children to accept themselves as they are but now apparently we are to encourage trans children to do the opposite.

OP, you sound like a lovely parent.
How has your child articulated what factors they see as limiting their happiness in their biological sex? What in particular does he feel will be different if he transitions?
Can he articulate this? Has he framed his dissatisfaction with tangible statements about how he feels life would be different if he transitions? Has he asked you about your experience as a woman and how you feel it differs or doesn't from the experiences of men?
As other posters have said, discomfort about one's body, plus a resistance to conforming to society's prescribed gender roles is not an experience unique to transgender. It is important to allow room for that message too - it's ok to break out of whatever expectations of presentation, or personality, or preferences you feel are imposed unwillingly upon you, and still find acceptance of your own body, mind and choices.

These are unusual times, trans awareness has increased hugely in the last year and the waves of popular opinion are possibly sweeping young people along without them hearing the arguments about how reinforcing the concept of gender differences can be much more damaging than rejecting gender entirely.
You sound so sad. But your child is lucky to have you as his parent. You are giving him the best opportunity to be himself and accept himself.

Hello. OP here. Firstly, I'd like to thank everyone who's taken the time to share their thoughts and experiences here. The wealth of info, the links, everything is feeding into a much more multifaceted view of what we're dealing with here and really helps. Thanks especially to Italian for useful insights, Elsa for sharing and Lurcio for the tip about Miranda Yardley, whose writing I'll check out.

Giraffe, thanks for your support yesterday, especially the links to other threads, which have given me a slightly different take on our situation than the splendid technicolour of AIBU and have really been very helpful. I take your point about moving the thread, and probably will post in Teenagers if I need to post about this issue again (down the line, for example), but actually what's going on on this thread is also useful, albeit in a different way. The politics of gender and transgenderism are a big part of what's whirling around in my head, and people here write eruditely (sometimes!) and often add something random into the mix that can be helpful. I can handle the directness, so far at least. But thanks.

Ohbehave, I thank you for your contribution. Please rest assured that if DS is genuinely transgender, I will support him in every conceivable way, as I believe I am doing already. What is of importance at this early stage though, is to begin the (long) process of establishing whether he is or not, and, if not, to address whatever issues are leading him to think/have thought that he is. There is much anecdotal evidence, as well as formal literature, to suggest that exploring the possibility of being trans frequently leads to a realisation that one is not. Whether he is or not, it's vitally important to be sure, as getting it wrong will make him profoundly unhappy. That is the main source of my anxiety. To be clear, I am not negative about him transitioning if that's the right thing for him. And I am emphatically not disappointed in him, as you mentioned upthread - rather the reverse: I think he is demonstrating great courage and maturity and I have never been more proud.

How has your child articulated what factors they see as limiting their happiness in their biological sex? What in particular does he feel will be different if he transitions? Can he articulate this? Has he framed his dissatisfaction with tangible statements about how he feels life would be different if he transitions? Has he asked you about your experience as a woman and how you feel it differs or doesn't from the experiences of men?

Hey Carrot, thanks, these are useful starting points for the many conversations I'm sure we will be having over the coming months. He hasn't really been able to express any of this yet. He's not inarticulate, but let's say a little reticent to explore his inner experience openly (in other words a completely normal 16yo boy!). I think he's unclear about the answers to any of these sorts of question himself though. I should add at this point that I think I know him pretty well. He is also quite like me in many ways, which helps: I don't find it an impossible task to imagine being in his head.

My feeling atm is that he's experiencing a somewhat vague and unfocused sense of anxiety about his identity as an individual, his place on the threshold of adult manhood, and possibly also his sexuality. I think he's uncomfortable with his developing body and with what he perceives to be expected of him in the wider world as a man. I think that the combination of all these thoughts, feelings and worries has crystallised into a sense that - to put it clumsily - being a man may not be for him. Thanks to the access the web offers to information about lifestyle alternatives, I think all of this has come together as an exploration of transgenderism. But I don't know, and I don't think he does either. My top priority is to find him good quality counselling so that he can explore all these issues in depth.

Lemonadeapex. Good luck whatever he is. If I read what you meant the wrong way then I apologise. Having a bi wife and close trans and gay friends I am rather up front when people come out ( no pun intended) with some of the rubbish I have read.

And I meant what I said about getting support yourself. Whilst you want to support him if you feel the way you have said you will need professional support as well.

By means of an update to all those who have generously taken an interest, but also as hopefully a source of useful information for anyone who comes to this thread hoping to learn from my situation, I just want to summarise where things are at today.

I had a RL chat earlier today with someone who knows the field somewhat, whose advice is that counselling is very much the first step for DS, and indeed the whole family. The only specialist service in the UK for young people with gender dysphoria is at the Tavistock in London, so I've been advised to approach them for a recommendation for a counsellor a bit more local to us who has the specialised knowledge and experience to provide pre-referral support. I have specifically been advised to avoid CAMHS, who are likely to be slow, under-resourced and lacking the specialised focus to do a good job. A counsellor with the relevant experience is likely to be able to support the whole family and give timely advice about how to talk to siblings, etc. I hope that taking the first steps to accessing this expertise will reassure DS that we are taking him seriously and that help is at hand. I have also been advised against 'looking too far down the road', which is difficult as of course he himself is doing just that and it's hard not to reflexively follow his line of sight. But it may be that counselling will reveal different issues than transgenderism, and also perhaps resolve them, while if DS is truly transgender then the road is long and can't possibly be predicted in any helpful way before we've even embarked on a first appointment.

In case it isn't coming across loud and clear, I'm much calmer today! The combination of factual information/signposting and anecdotage from those in a position to empathise has given us some starting points, both practical and emotional. Once I get the younger DCs off to bed and can chat some more with him, hopefully being able to hatch a plan of action together will help him feel better too.

If this thread rumbles on some more then I'll update if others are interested, but if not, then many thanks to all.

Thanks for the update lemonade . I hope you all find the support you need .

Wishing you and your DC well, however it all turns out.

The trouble with clinics that specialise in gender dysphoria is that they tend to be staffed by health workers who are more pro-transexuals and transitioning than the general population. There is no such thing as an unbiased counsellor or therapist. They are all people with their own beliefs and values.
Age 16 is he not better thinking about what he wants to do with his life and what job he wants to do? The whole gender thing is so superficial. Does it really matter if he wears a skirt or trousers and has a deep or high voice, boobs no boobs, penis no penis?
He's a person, is he avoiding looking at the bigger picture of what he wants to do with his life by getting side tracked by how he looks/ appears whilst he's doing it?

LemonadeApex it is so good that you are so much calmer, yes it does come across in your post but it's always good to have it spelled out as I tend to miss things too!

I am wondering if you caught the channel 4 series about transgender a few weeks back, one about small kids (5 or 6), one about teenage trans men (aged up to maybe 20 something) and one about 11 or so aged trans girls. So nothing specifically about the age and gender issues you may be dealing with.

However, if you did see it you may remember that in the first episode the mum of the young trans boy introduced a friend who was an adult trans man. I totally understand why the mum did this and it was hopefully helpful to the child but I did feel the mum missed something by not being able to introduce her child to a female who rejected gender stereotypes and lived a life that was how she wanted but as the sex they were born.

This may be quite hard to produce in real life and I expect you will want to avoid the internet but it may just be worth keeping your eyes out for anyone who really fits the bill.

Now the example I am going to show you is NOT for your son to see and it is not relevant to him anyway as it is about a woman. If you can watch it for about 4 minutes I think it will explain ONE view, it is her view, not mine, but what is good is that she is telling her story, so for any who will be offended or unhappy about her words, it is her story, she is entitled to tell it.

To summerise in case you don't want to watch - this woman has lived for 40 years without testosterone. If testosterone had been available when she was younger she would have taken it she said and she admitted she would absolutely have identified as transgender. But now she is happy not to have taken it. She says she can ride her bike, wear clothes she likes and she is happy. If you can find a role model for your son who is a male version of this woman, you might find it useful.

I am not denying that transgender is real, I am not belittling trans people. I am saying that for some people they may feel labelled, by themselves or others, as trans and may find that actually they are gay or simply Gender non conforming, and can live their lives doing what they like and not need to take any hormones to change things.

Before I am flamed by anyone my only interest is to be supportive to the OP and it might one day be helpful to provide a suitable trans 'role model' who is happy etc but before changing anything at all, how about finding a non-trans 'role model'.

I agree with the excellent FloraFox when they say "...a difference which completely explodes any comparison between being lesbian or trans. We encourage lesbian and gay children to accept themselves as they are but now apparently we are to encourage trans children to do the opposite."

I know people who thought they were gay but ended up not being gay.

The difference is that one can make a choice about who to be romantically involved with and whether to be sexually active at all. I've read so much about whether being gay or straight or bi is a choice or not, I think definitely for some it is not a choice, for some it is (especially in some feminist circles), possibly a choice.

I am a Christian and have explored the issues around homosexuality a lot, (because I want to be really supportive of gay people and sometimes churches are not!). But whatever reasons there are around being gay whether actually being gay is ever a choice, people have a choice what to do with that and they are not forced into anything life changing very quickly or ever! But hormones, drugs and surgery all make very real changes. So I don't think these comparisons between being gay and being trans work.

Having said that it is possible your son is gay and is thinking about that and is uncomfortable with it, so making him aware you are comfortable if he is actually gay could really help.

You sound like a bloody great mum.

He says he’s ‘wondered’ about this for a while but only seriously been considering it for about a week.

That's not a long time. But, I'd get him in counseling so that he knows for absolute 100% certainty either way. In the mean time, you could support him by referring to him as his preferred pronoun (she/her), and taking him shopping to get a couple girl clothes (and let him get the rest, as with any teen).

But it is ok to mourn the loss of your son if that's the direction he's going in. It's also alright to be worried. Hormones can really affect the personality, so he will change in that aspect as well. In the mean time support him, and get counseling for both of you.

The trouble with clinics that specialise in gender dysphoria is that they tend to be staffed by health workers who are more pro-transexuals and transitioning than the general population.

Well, that can probably only be a good thing, considering how intolerant the general population is tbh! But there's no choice about where we're seen, assuming that counselling establishes he does want to pursue the possibility of medical or surgical gender reassignment. As long as he's under 18, there's only one clinic in the UK and that's where we'll end up. Everyone I'm hearing from seems to think that they really know their stuff, and I'm far, far less concerned about him being 'steered' in the wrong direction by highly trained and experienced professionals there than I am about whatever random people he may be making contact with on the web. Anyway, that's all a way off - he would first need to be referred by someone who assesses him as being a genuine candidate for their services and then they have a 4-month waiting list.

In the meantime, I don't think we can go wrong with counselling - gender dysphoria or not, he's clearly not very happy.

I'm very interested by the number of references in the various info sources I've been directed to that make mention of ASD and gender dysphoria. There's Asperger's in the family and I strongly suspect him of being on the spectrum but we've never pursued a diagnosis as it's never held him back. So that may well be something that counselling and assessment can help us with, and in turn may help him with his feelings of gender confusion.

I think what that poster meant was that they would have a bias towards confirming that your DS is actually trans.

If you would think it is useful I would also consider exposing your son to lots if gender critical stuff, as well as stuff about all the gender "options".

It has occurred to me that he may have decided that as he feels different from peers " trans" is the box he fits into best (hence the 70% certain etc) If he reads more around the subject he may find a box he aligns with 100%, or alternatively reject gender altogether and decide he can be who he wants to be as a man.

I wish you luck, this is a very complex situation to have to deal with

Age 16 is he not better thinking about what he wants to do with his life and what job he wants to do? The whole gender thing is so superficial. Does it really matter if he wears a skirt or trousers and has a deep or high voice, boobs no boobs, penis no penis? He's a person, is he avoiding looking at the bigger picture of what he wants to do with his life by getting side tracked by how he looks/ appears whilst he's doing it?

I think tbf that that's easy to say when you have the advantage of an adult perspective. The gender thing seems superficial in many ways to me too. I was tempted to comment on the Jack Monroe thread that I think the world would be a better place if we were all non-binary and all used the title Mx. But I think that's a world away from how anyone could possibly be expected to feel as a teenager. Bodies and the clothes we cover them in are at the fundament of the entire social order when you're his age. As teenagers go, he's so far been pleasantly uninterested in all that stuff, and indeed is quite focused on his studies and career plans. So, either the important stuff is causing him more anxiety than we'd realised and that anxiety is spilling over into how he handles the superficial stuff...or alternatively the 'whole gender thing' doesn't seem superficial to him. Gender dysphoria isn't how most teenagers express their anxiety, so I think we have to take it seriously even if it transpires to be a displacement of some other problem.

gender critical stuff

This phrase has come up a few times and I'm not really clear what's meant by it. Can you elaborate? Point me in the direction of some sources? I can probably just google though!

I think what that poster meant was that they would have a bias towards confirming that your DS is actually trans.

Yes, I understood that but, as I say, there's no choice about what clinic we attend so not much point in worrying about that.

And actually, at an NHS centre of excellence exclusively for under-18s, I think their main concern is to get it right for each patient, not to steer them one way or the other.

I appreciate everyone's concern though.

You sound like a bloody great mum.

Bless your heart, Greyhound. I will PM you later when I get a minute.

mirandayardley.com Blog written by a transexual.
m.reddit.com/r/GenderCritical/ Being a reddit he'll have to read critically!

I'm sure he's already googling lots.of things already - just try and get him to Google outside what he currently thinks he is - if you are not careful the internet becomes a bit of an echo chamber where you only read things that you agrew with.

Counselling should be a good resource for him too so he can explore more deeply why he feels the way he does with an anonymous, non-biased sounding board.