DS is transgender - or is he?

[LemonadeApex]

I’ve NCd for this as it's not just my confidentiality at stake, but I’m a regular. I’m posting in AIBU because it’s where I normally hang out and also for traffic as I feel pretty desperate for support.

My teenage DS has just come out to me and DH as transgender. He says he wants to pursue gender reassignment via hormone treatment and possibly eventually surgery. He says he’s ‘wondered’ about this for a while but only seriously been considering it for about a week. He says he is about 70% sure it’s what he wants. He wants to get started with hormone therapy asap. He seems to have done a great deal of reading on the web and has a clear, if intellectualised, grasp of what lies ahead medically, but he doesn’t seem to have given much thought to what comes next in daily life, eg who/when to tell, when/what he wants his younger siblings to know, the implications for his sexuality (he has zero sexual experience with either sex). He finds it very difficult to express what he feels, what’s actually going on in his head or why he wants this. He’s not great with words at the best of times though.

Obviously my foremost concern is to support him absolutely 100% in what he wants and needs. He’s a lovely kid, clever, funny, kind, responsible, and I just want him to be happy. I’m painfully aware of the statistics correlating gender transition and depression/suicide and don’t want to make a difficult path even harder for him by being anything other than accepting of his choices. At the same time, I’m feeling alarmed and upset, and so, so sad. I love him just as he is. Why can’t he feel the same way? If he goes ahead with this and ends up living as a woman, changing his name etc, the person he is now will be gone forever. He may not want us to mention his birth name or have photos of him as a boy, and of course we'd need to respect that. But it will be like he died. I can’t even type it without crying.

I’m also scared he's making a horrible mistake. Don’t most gender dysmorphic kids know they’re in the ‘wrong’ body from an early age? Aren’t they desperately distressed by the time they get to puberty? This isn't how I'd describe him on either count. He’s at an age where it’s normal to be consumed with angst about who and what you are. I think he’s also anxious about making the transition from boyhood to manhood. Is it possible that he’s conflating that confusion with things he’s reading on the web about other people’s gender dysmorphic experiences? I assume this is not a path many people go down in error, but we’re quite a liberal household and I think he'd be less afraid of experimenting with other identities than most kids his age. I want to support him if this is what he truly wants, but I’m also scared of supporting him so well with my knee-jerk liberalism that we all end up on a conveyor belt that ruins his life.

I’m very scared of getting this wrong for him and could really use some support and advice. If anyone can help with their insights and experiences, I would be so grateful. In particular, if anyone here is, or is related to, a young person who has been through this and has decided it was not the right path for them, I would be very grateful to hear your story – in absence of any anecdotal evidence to the contrary, I think I have to assume that he knows instinctively what is best for him. We are in the UK and he is under 18, if that helps anyone advise me on what to expect next. Apologies if I've given any offence with my attitudes or terminology btw. I'm in uncharted waters here. I am also distraught, so please be kind.

There are some people on the thread who don't agree with the very concept of 'transgender'

Yeah, I get that. I looked at various more topic-specific forums on MN but the traffic is just so low. I just needed to make some contact and get some thoughts. I can't really get that in RL atm, though I know my friends will be supportive, because it's not my secret to share until/unless DS is ready for that.

I have no beef with the trans concept, though I admit I'm ignorant. But I also think, and some of the people who have been kind enough to respond seem to bear this out, that not everyone who considers the possibility that they may be trans in fact goes on to settle on that identity. Which is valuable information as it means that making DS completely the boss of this project is probably not wise and probably not fair (to him). He is 16 ffs and unsure of so much. Taking what he says on this topic as immutable fact is probably a bad idea, yet I didn't want to undermine him by not doing that. I feel a bit clearer now about the nature of the fine line I'm trying to walk.

I'm probably not explaining this very well, but it all helps, so thanks.

From a practical point of view please please please support him to find a good psychologist/ gender dydphoria doctor to prescribe the medication otherwise he may resort to buying them off the internet and who knows what's in those!

I am going to leave this thread. But actually I am disgusted that so many posters seem to be pushing the OP into a line of - your DC is transgender, this is the help he needs. He has only seriously thought about this for a week, and is only 70% sure. In teenage terms, that is absolutely meaningless. All it says for certain is that he is confused and mixed up.

Transitioning is a serious business and the hormones people take have serious long term negative health consequences. There is no way this should be actively encouraged. Very frightening.

Thank CHRIST there is at least one sensible voice on this thread.

Dear God.

He's a teenager. When I was a teenager (before the internet, phones, social media and access to all kinds of influential crap) I went through a phase of having crushes on girls. That's exactly what it was. A phase. It did not mean I was a lesbian, or about to become one. But no doubt that's exactly what everyone on here would say -embrace your true thoughts etc etc.

He may, or may not be, genuinely confused. But I think, as a parent, we have to support, listen and also allow our kids to go through periods of confusion, without whisking them straight to transgender clinics to change sex.

WTF is the world coming to. I'm leaving this thread too!

otherwise he may resort to buying them off the internet and who knows what's in those

Oh god, I never thought about that. I don't think he would do that. He's nervous enough about paracetamol. But I'll talk to him. Thanks for thinking of it.

I think you are being sensible to consider all possibilities. It IS difficult to find non-polarised discussion of trans issues, not only on mumsnet, all over the web. That said it IS worth looking at the issue from both angles. Both sides are so convinced that they are right that you'll never get a balanced view from either side. Look at both and don't get sucked in one direction or the other. Neither side is 100% right, neither side appears immune from playing dirty, neither side is malicious. Despite what their critics say.

I agree that time is THE most important thing. He needs space, acceptance and support to work this out, whichever way he goes. Being rushed into anything won't help. He's already gone through puberty which, as you say, is in some ways good because it means you're not on a deadline by which to make a decision.

Support, acceptance, love. In spades. You sound like a great mum and I'm sure you'll come through this with a positive outcome whatever happens.

If he's nervous of paracetamol, I wouldn't even open his mind to the possibility of buying drugs on the internet right now. Perhaps a general chat of "You wouldn't start taking anything without letting me and your dad be aware of that, would you?"

Stonewall are probably your best port of call. They are simply there for kids who need some help. Good luck you sound lovely. There is too much around at the moment making those who feel less than comfortable uncomfortable.
However there are many organisations who are amazing , stone wall being one and

www.genderedintelligence.co.uk

Absolutely what Ghosty said. You sound like a great parent. This must be so hard for you, but stay strong. Good luck.

Op I haven't rtft sp apologies if this has already been asked, but where abouts in the country are you? If you'd prefer not to say then pm me as I can recommend a charity local to me who support young trans curious people so might be able to offer a bit of support or guidance in helping you both work this out.

You sound really supportive and a great mum :)

I'm sorry I don't have any useful experience to add. But I wanted to say that you don't seem self interested at all, you seem very focussed on your sons needs. And you are coping admirably with what must have been quite shocking news .

It's easy for people to pontificate about how they would act in your situation, when they have never been there . I hope you find some support for yourself as well as for your son .

I'm leaving this thread too!

Oh dear, maybe I should have put something re triggers in the thread title. I guess in light of recent AIBU threads I should have foreseen some acrimony. I'm sorry. I'm glad of everyone's support.

It was obvious from your Op that you were looking for support , not a bun fight . Please don't blame yourself. Some posters just can't see that this isn't the time or the place

OP you sound totally grounded. A hug is a hug be it with son daughter trans etc. Please check out stonewall and the PM I have sent. Some people just want or get on with life but need support.

I can u dersta

You sound really balance and sensible, OP.

The comparisons of being trans with being gay don't take into account the fact that there's no issue with 'feeling' gay/having same-sex relationships for a few years and then realising that actually you're more of a heterosexual. I'm sure many of us (like me) know people who have been in this situation. However, it's much harder, if not impossible, to come back from being trans if you've been through hormone treatment and surgery.

The OP is 100% sensible not to encourage her son to make an irreversible decision about something he's only 70% sure about. If he had been convinced from earliest childhood that he was actually a girl then this thread would have developed entirely differently.

Sorry phone is playing up.

I can understand your anxiety. I think this is a case of wait and see and keep dialogue going. If he persists then perhaps a visit to the GP?
He is still so young.

There’s another aspect to all of this that I’m having difficulty getting my head around, and that’s the gender politics of it all. I’m strongly feminist and have real difficulty with stereotypical gender roles. Our household is pretty role-reversal in lots of ways. I associate a desire to transition with a rejection of (in his case) a traditional male gender identity – but there’s no expectation in his life/family that he would ever be that kind of man. At the same time, as I understand it, to be allowed to transition medically he would need to live as a full-on dresses, heels and make-up kind of woman first. Not only does that seem to be a paradoxical embracing of fixed gender identities, but it’s also something I personally would struggle with. I longed for a daughter once upon a time, but would have made strenuous efforts to discourage her from becoming a ‘girly girl’. Considering he currently has difficulty making any kind of effort with his personal grooming, I’m surprised and confused by the idea that he would want this either. Does anyone have experience of the beliefs and feelings about femininity of male-to-female trans individuals? Or is it just useless trying to generalise in this way? Except that to access the treatment he currently feels he wants, he would presumably be expected to aspire to some kind of generalisable norms? (The exact norms many bio women have rejected…) Confused… (and worried at this point that it's me who has been forcing my orthodoxy on him...)

Ackvavit, yes, I saw it. Many thanks.

O.P Ignore all the launching toys from prams from some p.p's

You and your son need to explore all avenues and all of this advice and webpages could be very useful.

Nobody is encouraging it simply congratulating the O.P on her attitude towards it and offering useful links.

And O.p you can be a feminist AND a girly girl. I would just take it one step at a time.

And O.p you can be a feminist AND a girly girl

Ah, well there you have me, Crazy, because I guess what I've been thinking is, 'yes, but no daughter of mine would want to be a girly girl'. Which makes me realise I may have been regarding DS as an appendage. Which is really bad and goes against everything I believe in. So you've challenged my underpinning beliefs, which is good, because they are probably the seat of my distress. Thank you.

first thing to acknowledge is that your child is still the child you have always known, and all the familiar things you love remain true.

Oh, and this. Thank you for this, MrsMolesworth. I'm leaving my computer now, but I'll take this with me.

Hi OP. I would reallym, really, really recommend reading this website here.

It is written by a transwoman who transitioned in the teen years, and it is both sensitive and balanced. It is also science-based, and discusses the science behind sexuality and transgenderism in an evidence-based way.

Although the author is a transwoman herself, she adopts a cautious stance when it comes to the question of transitioning, noting that the majority of boys who are gender dysphoric in childhood do in fact desist ("grow out of it") and end up as happy gay men, not transwomen.

sillyolme.wordpress.com/advice-to-parents-of-transkids/

At the moment I am not sure what to suggest, because of exam pressures and course work ect I would want this to be the main focus.

I think I would get him to see someone ASAP, because either way then at least he can move forward.

There is definitely stuff you can read about transgender and strict gender roles. Don't bury that line of thought - it's worth exploring. As I said, no one side has all of the answers but you want to look at both.