DS is transgender - or is he?

[LemonadeApex]

I’ve NCd for this as it's not just my confidentiality at stake, but I’m a regular. I’m posting in AIBU because it’s where I normally hang out and also for traffic as I feel pretty desperate for support.

My teenage DS has just come out to me and DH as transgender. He says he wants to pursue gender reassignment via hormone treatment and possibly eventually surgery. He says he’s ‘wondered’ about this for a while but only seriously been considering it for about a week. He says he is about 70% sure it’s what he wants. He wants to get started with hormone therapy asap. He seems to have done a great deal of reading on the web and has a clear, if intellectualised, grasp of what lies ahead medically, but he doesn’t seem to have given much thought to what comes next in daily life, eg who/when to tell, when/what he wants his younger siblings to know, the implications for his sexuality (he has zero sexual experience with either sex). He finds it very difficult to express what he feels, what’s actually going on in his head or why he wants this. He’s not great with words at the best of times though.

Obviously my foremost concern is to support him absolutely 100% in what he wants and needs. He’s a lovely kid, clever, funny, kind, responsible, and I just want him to be happy. I’m painfully aware of the statistics correlating gender transition and depression/suicide and don’t want to make a difficult path even harder for him by being anything other than accepting of his choices. At the same time, I’m feeling alarmed and upset, and so, so sad. I love him just as he is. Why can’t he feel the same way? If he goes ahead with this and ends up living as a woman, changing his name etc, the person he is now will be gone forever. He may not want us to mention his birth name or have photos of him as a boy, and of course we'd need to respect that. But it will be like he died. I can’t even type it without crying.

I’m also scared he's making a horrible mistake. Don’t most gender dysmorphic kids know they’re in the ‘wrong’ body from an early age? Aren’t they desperately distressed by the time they get to puberty? This isn't how I'd describe him on either count. He’s at an age where it’s normal to be consumed with angst about who and what you are. I think he’s also anxious about making the transition from boyhood to manhood. Is it possible that he’s conflating that confusion with things he’s reading on the web about other people’s gender dysmorphic experiences? I assume this is not a path many people go down in error, but we’re quite a liberal household and I think he'd be less afraid of experimenting with other identities than most kids his age. I want to support him if this is what he truly wants, but I’m also scared of supporting him so well with my knee-jerk liberalism that we all end up on a conveyor belt that ruins his life.

I’m very scared of getting this wrong for him and could really use some support and advice. If anyone can help with their insights and experiences, I would be so grateful. In particular, if anyone here is, or is related to, a young person who has been through this and has decided it was not the right path for them, I would be very grateful to hear your story – in absence of any anecdotal evidence to the contrary, I think I have to assume that he knows instinctively what is best for him. We are in the UK and he is under 18, if that helps anyone advise me on what to expect next. Apologies if I've given any offence with my attitudes or terminology btw. I'm in uncharted waters here. I am also distraught, so please be kind.

OP - good luck with everything. I hope whatever your son needs is available and he becomes the person he is destined to be.

I also would suggest that if he does eventually go for gender reassignment you find a support group for yourself. Whilst I said it is all about what he wants ( and I still stand by that ) you and your close family also deserve support to help you look at things on a way that make you feel less disappointed.

"it will obviously be hardest of all for him"
lemonade don't underestimate your feelings for your child. I feel things much more deeply for my children than I do for myself because I love them so much more. I think this is where you fear naturally will stem from.

I remember when my children were babies, I'd watch them sleeping, their perfect little faces so innocent and lovely and I used to feel so sad knowing that one day they would be sad or hurt. I used to hope and pray that they would get through life unscathed. Then one day I gave birth to a beautiful little sleeping child, my angel, and I realised my wish had been grated, she for sure got through untouched by sadness or hurt, but the price she paid for my wish was her life. To truly live means living through those difficult times too. Now I no longer wish for my children to get through life without hardship. Now I wish for them to have the courage to face that hardship and the knowledge that no matter what life throws at them, that they are truly loved. I wish the same for your child too

I have seen it reported that young people can often be encouraged move very quickly towards transition by friends online

Yes, that's an issue, for sure. He's very webby and has a particular online friend who is trans. I'm glad he apparently has friends with relevant experiences that he can use as a sounding board (unlike me!) but obviously don't know these people like I know his RL friends and have no idea what exactly has been said, why, how genuinely, etc etc. I am not necessarily negative about the web but it does tend to amplify the intensity of things under certain circumstances, ime.

Ohbehave, I obviously haven't discussed my sadness with DS. If anything, I worry that I was irresponsibly upbeat with him. I have, however, confided in DH, who shares my concerns but is better at keeping a lid on his feelings than me. I'll tell you something else: when DS was born, all those years ago, I held him in my arms and cried because he was so beautiful and because within him there was so much love and promise and potential which I vowed to help him realise. But I also grieved for the loss of the unborn baby inside me, which was gone forever, to be replaced by this real one. Which I now know is a common but rarely expressed emotion, presumably because people are scared other people will think they're being silly or wrong.

I can't really add more than what others have already suggested, but OP I just wanted to say that I think you are doing a fabulous job of raising your DS.

I am so glad that there are so many people who are being supportive.

OhBehave I think you are right in this being about her son. But with something like this that is so life changing for ALL involved the OPs own feelings are important and she is entitled to them. She is clearly demonstrating an openness that not all are able to have and is already miles ahead of some other parents that may find themselves in a similar situation. The OP is trying hard to do her best by her child. In very simplistic terms if this were a post about an illness or another life changing issue would you not be offering advice along the lines of parents ensuring that they have the right support too so that they can help and support their DC?

"how can you say any of these things are misguided"

Would you not say that some wishes/decisions of a teenager regarding their self-image might be misguided, and that not everything they decide about themselves might actually be the reality?

What if he decides he is too fat even when stick-thin and throws up persistently after each tiny meal?

What if he really tells you he is an alien from Planet Zorg, as in your own example? Would that not be a misguided conviction?

"If a person is transgender they are transgender."

Except that many who come out thinking they are transgender turn out not to be and happily settle into their biological reality. Quite a few realise they are just gay.

Oh, 3littlebadgers, so sorry for your lost child. Have really lost it now, and can't stop crying. for you too. And thank you for sharing that, which helps, truly. Thank you, everyone else too.

He is 70% sure and has felt like this for a week. I would just give it time. Far too soon to be doing anything with that timescale.

Jay Stewart is brilliant at Gendered Intelligence. They are a superb resource.
I've only used them online through work but Jay has always responded quickly and positively. OP might want to put DC in touch.

Also I would wonder what he has been reading on the internet? If a child is feeling confused and mixed up, sometimes ceasing on what looks like a solution, can look like an easy answer. Given what you have posted about him not really seeming to think through what this means, that might be a possibility in his case.

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I really would not be getting in touch with transgender organisations at this stage. From talking to trans people one of the criticisms is that these organisations tend to confirm that people are Trans and dismiss doubts. Not helpful when your DS is basically so unsure himself.

Posted the above as I hope this will help.

DP is Transgender, the process, is long and slow and if DS is NOT Trans it'll be picked up before anything goes too far. Don't worry about telling people DS will get support with that when they see docs and therapists. Just be there like you already are being. Try not to second guess as that's what all the psycho apps are for (and there is a mountain of them) xx Good Luck and love to all x

I doubt it. You are posting about an organisation that will probably simply confirm OPs child is Trans, when actually he just seems pretty mixed up and unsure.

OP your child needs time to sort out his feelings. Talk to him about what is really troubling him. Why has he thought for a week that he is 70% sure he is trans? What is he unhappy about?

What if he decides he is too fat even when stick-thin and throws up persistently after each tiny meal?

Well, yes, that’s exactly the kind of thing I’ve thought of. Or what if he felt he could only truly be himself if only he could get his legs amputated. I’ve always kind of thought that trans people were unable to be happy in their existing bodies because of what their social environment makes them feel about their bodies. I assumed the number of people who genuinely were ‘trapped in the wrong body’ was limited to intersex people. We talked, or tried to talk, a bit about that yesterday and it seems I was wrong about that, although he is also very confused and unsure. But it seems to me that as a society we react inconsistently to these different examples of self-perception. Which doesn’t help me understand any better.

This thread is moving quite fast for me, but I'm reading everything even if I don't have time to respond. Thank you for all suggestions and links etc.

Cleaty - agree this might be the case. However this organisation are totally grounded and not in the business of black or white. I'm sure I'll be flamed for this.

Oh also gires.org.uk is an awesome resource for Gender issues.

Cotedazur. Read what I have said. If they are transgender they are transgender. If they are gay they are gay. As I said, I would ensure that any of my children were given the support they need. And that means looking at both sides of what they think they want.

These are a world away from someone with an eating disorder or any form of body dismorphia- are you equating being trans or gay as being a mental illness?

And you know that the alien from planet zog was just a way of saying I would support them no matter what.

I am going to leave this thread. But actually I am disgusted that so many posters seem to be pushing the OP into a line of - your DC is transgender, this is the help he needs. He has only seriously thought about this for a week, and is only 70% sure. In teenage terms, that is absolutely meaningless. All it says for certain is that he is confused and mixed up.

Transitioning is a serious business and the hormones people take have serious long term negative health consequences. There is no way this should be actively encouraged. Very frightening.

"the alien from planet zog was just a way of saying I would support them no matter what."

Then you are wrong. There are some 'decisions' a teenager will come up with about his self-image that you should not be supporting. Anorexia, for example.

Ffs. Anorexia is a mental illness that needs physiological help. Being trans is not a mental illness

There are some people on the thread who don't agree with the very concept of 'transgender'. I'm sure you've noticed that on the Jack Monroe thread. You'll probably be better off asking for help on another site.

Cleaty, thank you for your help, which is appreciated.

Please, can I ask if people would mind not fighting amongst themselves on this thread. I am grateful for any and all responses. I need ideas, pointers, resources and could really use support too. But everyone is entitled to their view, even their view of me. I've been on AIBU a long time and can sort the wheat from the chaff.

I am more grateful than you can all imagine for the kind words and the sharing.

Surely in 2015 we are here to help make people comfortable in what might be a very long time alive? I'm very much in the camp of making young people see we want to help them through difficult times. Where on earth is the point commenting if you have issues with gender sexuality etc. Thank goodness we live in an age where it's ok to be questioning. I appreciate some young people may be swayed by the media coverage, but if it opens some form of debate with parents that had to help. Stonewall are also excellent.

If he is only 70% sure, has he explored that he doesn't necessarily have to pick either male or female (now or ever, if he doesn't want to) - there are also people who reject the idea that there are only two genders and choose to state their identity as 'both'/bits from traditional male and bits from traditional female and whatever else they feel best suits them as an individual. Perhaps this describes what he is feeling more closely?