to think that after 20 years, MiL should stop being such a dick and accept me?

[Tinklewinkle]

MiL doesn't like me. I don't know why, I've always been nice to her, organise flowers for Mother's Day, send Christmas/birthday cards, email photos of the kids, etc, etc. Normal stuff, I do the same for her as I do for my own family.

She phoned at the weekend to speak to DH, apparently she wants a 'family only' Christmas this year, so she has invited DH and our kids. I am obviously not considered her 'family' as I am specifically excluded from the invite. She wants them to travel up Christmas Eve and stay over until Boxing Day

DH just said "er...no, of course not" and now she's having a strop about never getting to see her family at Christmas, etc, etc.

This isn't the first time she's done something like this, and it won't be the last. DH bollocks her, she goes off in a huff then comes back with something else

I found her quite hurtful, but I'm now at the point where don't actually care if she likes me or not. We live 200 miles away, she's not on my door step so I kind of grit my teeth, make polite chit chat and get on with my life, but honestly we've been together 20 years, marred for 15 with 14 and 10 year old daughters, get over it already!

I'm with Bluejug where the heck is the logic in 'I'm his mother so it's most important he spends Christmas with me - oh and his children should be separated from their mother to be with me too.'

Clearly a loving GM isn't she?

Batshit.
Yeah definitely stop with the flowers etc. There's probably a reason why your dh doesn't spoil her.

Stop being nice to her. Start treating her like she treats you.

Ten to one she will start to like you then.

'Er, no, sorry, our Christmas is immediate, lives-in-this-house family ONLY'

Madness.

Stop with all the cards & flowers, after all she isn't your immediate family is she?

Sounds like MIL has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a personality disorder where the person genuinely believes that they are the centre of everyone's universe and that the world revolves around them. NPD has no empathy and will be very spiteful to achieve control. Good on your DH for not succumbing to her because being the child of an NPD mother is hard.

Meanwhile I am starting to see what being a MIL might be like. DD (18) has a BF. DD is at uni and I've realised that when she comes home then her BF is going to come back home too (he is at uni very close to home) to see her, which means we will never see DD at home as part of our family (with two younger siblings) without her BF being around too. I feel a bit meh about that, even though he is a lovely BF, as I want her to ourselves. Talked to DH about it and he said that his DM always took the view that if the only way to see him when he was a young 20 something, was to welcome whichever GF he was with at the time who came along with him when he visited her then she would be delighted. I realised that I must take this position too - to welcome into our family whoever our DCs want to include in THEIR lives if we want long term harmony and we must allow our DCs to live their lives as they want, not as we want, once they are adults themselves.

Your MIL is very unkind, particularly at a time of supposed peace and goodwill to all men. Personally I would print out this thread and post it to her.

I bet if you stop sending her cards, photos, flowers and gifts she'll start making an effort with you. She'll have to, unless she never really cared about those things.

At the moment she has it all her way. She treats you like shit, and you dutifully carry on sending her things anyway. She probably feels it's her due by now. Stop all of it. She doesn't see you as family, so go along with that. After a year or two, she may begin to realize how much is facilitated by you, and not by the magical presents fairy.

Really don't understand people like this. However (and I know you have explained but I am thinking of others too) why do you continue to think of them and send gifts. No point doing it and then seething about the lack of thanks etc. Just stop doing it and use your money on those who actually love you and want to be with you.

The old cow sounds like my MIL who thank god we have gone NC on.
I would help her with gifts, was nice to her etc, etc and all she could ever say was evil things. And when she did say things they were complementary to everyone else except me.
The straw that broke the camels back was when we took our wedding pictures to her and she promptly stated that she only wanted pics of her and her son!!! She wanted nothing with me on.

OP dont waste your time and effort, your OH should support you and go NC on her. Why should she alienate you? And get away with it.

Raspberry
"You can see the results of this on the Relationships board. In this case, the OP's DH is able to go against that conditioning, but in the case described by PHANTOMnamechanger, that DH wasn't able to see his mother's behaviour as anything but normal, hence the lack of protesting the treatment of his wife."

Yy to that. H was totally conditioned when I met him. His family aren't bad people but there was a really odd dynamic going on. He'd had a serious accident in his early teens and became 'poorXfluffybunny' for many years. It became entrenched and they all bought into it, despite him making a full recovery. He was infantilised around them. When I came along I thought: 'woah, this is a bit weird'. Because I didn't join in the 'poorXfluffybunny' stuff it created ripples. H was able to 'grow up' in relation to his family and they didn't like the change in dynamics. Later, things got a bit bumpy between us and he reverted back a bit, as he found the 'poorXfluffybunny' stuff easier to take than being in an adult relationship. Now, he vacillates.

I've never been given a wrapped cabbage though!

I think that, unless a wife has done something beyond the pale (ie criminal or utterly vile) then it is important to be at least civil and respectful. Those grandchildren didn't pop out of the side of the precious son all by themselves, it took two parents. It is not nice for the children to see either their mother or their father being unwelcomed by their grandparents.

She sounds bonkers. Keep doing what you are doing. Ignore her. Your DH is on your side and presumably agrees she is bonkers. At least she isn't on your doorstep. How bloody rude of her to suggest you stay at home!

sorry, another vent slipped out

whoreandpeace: you sound like you will be a great MIL.

This year, I'm doing Photos of Grandkids only, I think.
It would be a bit spiteful to stop that but she wont appreciate anything else so why send it?

One of my friends was never accepted by her in laws.
They called her that woman to her face for her whole married life.
The FiL said are you still married to that woman on his death bed

THere's no pleasing some people
so stop trying
its very uplifting when you do

YADDDDDNBU. OTOH, my DM never wanted to be part of my DF's family, which is also weird.

I agree that for some people this odd controling demanding behaviour stuff is 'the norm' and it can be hard to unlearn acceptance of that sort of behaviour. The culpirt is often good at turingn things round and going all 'woe is me' and guilt tripping people into going along with what they want , for the sake of a quiet life/not wanting to rock the boat.

She sounds like my MIL
She visited us over the summer and before she arrived she suggested to my DH that it'd be nice to go away for a week, her, DH and our kids. Considering that it would have been the only holiday that we had over the summer I insisted on being included.
She also threw an almighty strop on our youngest DC's birthday after I commented mildly that she was early. She stormed out of the house and DH started giving me a hard time for upsetting her. I knocked that on the head pretty smartish and offered to go out and tell her to pull herself together and stop being such a child or sod off. DH declined but he did back me up, eventually.
We moved half way around the world nearly 4 years ago to get away from her and DH and I get on so much better now that we don't argue about his relatives so frequently.

It sounds like your DH is sticking up for you, good for him. I agree with others, don't bother making the effort anymore, it's not even slightly appreciated

My xmil was a bit like this. She would have liked to have done the same thing about xmas and similar occasions but probably just didn't quite dare. She was very big on "blood" relatives constituting the family and the rest of us not really part of it. She used to introduce her brother as "this is my brother X well he's not really my brother he's adopted".

Unbelievable! She is bonkers!

Beyond bonkers - would almost be funny if it wasn't so mad

I can't believe in what planet she even thought this might be ok

Immediate family nonsense - they are more your immediate family than hers

I am speechless at this

What on earth did she think you were going to do on Christmas Day without your DCs and DH?

She sounds like a basket case!

God your MiL sounds like she's wired up to the Planet Twat doesn't she?!

Agree. STOP with the flowers and cards. And make sure to laugh over it with your DH; because she deserves to be taken no more seriously than that.

I think you should continue the presents.

For Christmas, send her a carrot. Then Mother's Day, maybe a turnip. And for her birthday, perhaps a couple of potatoes. She'll have enough to make soup.

DH and I have been together for nearly 20 years, married with 2 DC
Even so, a few years ago, only DH was invited to FIL's birthday meal (and he went - 250 mile round trip, on a work night) but not me. ILs' logic was that as it was a school night I wouldn't be able to go as I'd be looking after the DC.

As it happens I wouldn't have gone anyway, but that's hardly the point. As for DH - he was basically guilted into going. Even now, he'll drop everything for them. Never underestimate the guilt.

(He did however stand up for me when MIL was particularly unhinged about me in an email once, and there's no way he'd do Christmas without me)

It's been 20 years, she ain't gonna change now

what has happened the other 19 christmases, OP - have you ever spent it with his family? had them at yours? why is this year the year she comes out with this daft idea? has she recently been widowed, therefore it would be her first christmas on her own so she wanted to have company.

I'm not excusing her at all, just wondering why now? presumably if this has not come up before, the norm is you & yours at your home - why would she suggest different all of a sudden?? could she actually be suffering dementia, rather than just being her usual nasty self??

Sorry, got caught up feeding kids and stuff.

I have no idea why she's does it, or whether she thought there was any small chance DH would say yes.

Usually at Christmas we rotate, 1 year at home on our own then we travel up and visit everyone over the New Year, 1 year we stay with my parents (and visit her on Boxing Day), the next year we stay with her for Christmas (and visit my parents for Boxing Day).

We were with her last year, this year it was our turn to be at home

She hasn't been widowed or anything either.

I don't know. Usually we leave her to get on with it, but she has pushed her luck this time