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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that after 20 years, MiL should stop being such a dick and accept me?

107 replies

Tinklewinkle · 28/10/2015 13:08

MiL doesn't like me. I don't know why, I've always been nice to her, organise flowers for Mother's Day, send Christmas/birthday cards, email photos of the kids, etc, etc. Normal stuff, I do the same for her as I do for my own family.

She phoned at the weekend to speak to DH, apparently she wants a 'family only' Christmas this year, so she has invited DH and our kids. I am obviously not considered her 'family' as I am specifically excluded from the invite. She wants them to travel up Christmas Eve and stay over until Boxing Day

DH just said "er...no, of course not" and now she's having a strop about never getting to see her family at Christmas, etc, etc.

This isn't the first time she's done something like this, and it won't be the last. DH bollocks her, she goes off in a huff then comes back with something else

I found her quite hurtful, but I'm now at the point where don't actually care if she likes me or not. We live 200 miles away, she's not on my door step so I kind of grit my teeth, make polite chit chat and get on with my life, but honestly we've been together 20 years, marred for 15 with 14 and 10 year old daughters, get over it already!

OP posts:
MothertotheLordsofmisrule · 28/10/2015 13:39

200 miles isn't far enough.

It all sounds a bit too much like purebloods and mudbloods for me.

Shes a witch! Burn her!

TheTigerIsOut · 28/10/2015 13:40

I think that after 20 years, you should stop being a dick.

Stop pandering to her, and do not go out of your way at all to please her. My MIL was like that, it just took a conversation (admittedly, after 15 years) for it to stop.

In my case, I reminded her that I didn't owe her ANYTHING and if she wanted anything from me she would better be nice to me or stop expecting me to do anything for her (i also reminded her in that conversation that if it were not for me reminding my husband that he had a mother he should keep in contact with, he would have forgotten he had a mother the day we moved out of her city).

She resented me for a while but now is very civil to me.

ImperialBlether · 28/10/2015 13:40

I would LOVE it if MNHQ got this MIL on here for a webchat.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 28/10/2015 13:40

Fuck me, that's harsh. And hardly in the spirit of Christmas.

She sounds very bitter.

cjt110 · 28/10/2015 13:41

Wow. How nasty. My Father's parents did the same to my Mum when I was a child to which she said to my Father that if he even entertained the thought of going without her, it would be trouble.

She is just trying to cause drama in your family. Perhaps, in a backwards way, she's lonely? Or maybe just a vindictive cow.

I would tell her to fuck off politely decline the offer and say that you are having your OWN family Christmas but she is welcome to visit when hell freezes over some pother time but to please let you know in advance so you can make sure you have the time.

My MIL, whilst polite, seems no to like me. I used to let it bother me. Now I couldnt give a toss. She's an arse.

Original poster
Tinklewinkle · 28/10/2015 13:41

Sorry, cross loads of posts

She asked my DH what my parents were doing for Christmas

He's like, er...why?. To which she replied that she wanted a small, intimate, immediate family only Christmas this year, but didn't want "Tinkle to be on her own"

She doesn't understand why DH said no as SiL is going - SiL is single, early twenties has been travelling for a couple of years and only just back in the UK

DH thinks she's a dick too, and generally we just get on with our lives but every now and then I'm like 'oh, do fuck off'

OP posts:
MitzyLeFrouf · 28/10/2015 13:44

I think after 20 years of this shit you'd be more than justified in vocalising your 'oh do fuck off'.

watchthebirdie · 28/10/2015 13:44

Glad your H has your back, OP.

My MIL stopped calling our house, ooh, about 7 years ago.
She replies to any cards / photos / gifts I send (plenty of, over the years) to the children - 'ooh, wtbkids, thank you SO much for the photos / gift YOU sent. This year, twice, H and the kids have 'been down to Grandma's' (200miles). I was not invited. The older wtbkid was aware of that, and uncomfortable. This is not good, and wont be happening again, unless we divorce (I'm married 14 years).
Mine appeared to like me to start with.
Then H began to assert himself a bit more (with her) and she blamed me.
He's gone back to being lapdog-like and she pretends I don't exist.
I don't get involved tbh, their affair, but the trip certainly made the kids pause for thought.

Hope it sorts itself. V glad she's not managed to insert a wedge between you and your H. Enjoy your Christmas.

GummyBunting · 28/10/2015 13:44

Your DH sounds great. Your MIL sounds like... my MIL.
I'd be pointing out that your DC are not her immediate family, and she is not theirs. Funnily enough, you're their immediate family!

Original poster
Tinklewinkle · 28/10/2015 13:47

Sorry, x-posted again

Yes, will definitely stop sending flowers, etc. I usually do it as it's not a big deal - if I'm sending my mum flowers for Mother's Day/emailing photos/whatever it's easy enough to do it for her at the same time.

I don't massively go out of my way, I've just always included her.

OP posts:
lacktoastandtolerance · 28/10/2015 13:47

YABU for living so near to her. 200 miles is ridiculously close. I'd move much, much further away...

Glad to hear your DH didn't even think about it though, I suspect there are plenty who wouldn't have. Don't even put any thought or emotional energy into it, and enjoy your own Christmas :)

PegsPigs · 28/10/2015 13:49

She doesn't want you to be on your own but not enough to actually invite you to spend Christmas with YOUR husband and kids??

watchthebirdie · 28/10/2015 13:54

Sorry for blurt Blush
Have literally just ordered MIL a nice Calendar for next year with a dozen pics of kids on.
And, as I was typing the above post, FFS, the Post just arrived. Card for kids (I opened without my glasses on, so now have to re-seal carefully or they'll grump at me!) from Grandma.
"Dear wtbkids, thank you for all the lovely photos and other things, it is SO kind of you"
Yeah, cos my 11 yr old lad and his wee sister pop off to town and get the pics done (must be 6x4 size for her frames, no other!), choose the card, find the chocs / scarf / small ornament, pay and send it off, don't they. Grr.
Sorry, OP, will bugger off now. but you have ALL my sympathy. Thanks

gotthemoononastick · 28/10/2015 13:58

Sigh...yes get the old witch on for a webchat.Is it school hols yet?

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 28/10/2015 14:04

I'd invite SIL over to yours for xmas, then ask your MIL if she has a neighbours house to go to so she isn't alone on xmas but then I'm a PA cunt sometimes

Original poster
Tinklewinkle · 28/10/2015 14:04

Vent away watchthebirdie*

I know how you feel. I did photo books of the kids for the grandparents for Christmas last year.

Lots of gushing and thanks to DH and the kids, on and on about how wonderful the pictures were, etc, etc.

DH said, don't thank me, thank Tinkle, they're her photos and she organised it.

Never heard another word about those photo books

I'm the photographer in our house, I really enjoy it. DH's photography is so bad it's funny, she knows this. I laughed about it at the time, but actually, it's not funny

OP posts:
Slutbucket · 28/10/2015 14:05

If my husband had a brother then I would think we were related! Stop trying. It will drive her nuts!!

wellliesandleaves · 28/10/2015 14:08

Wow, that's awful. I read a thread yesterday where a poster didn't consider her husband's mother to be 'immediate family', so no need to have her over for Christmas. This is just as bad.

DinosaursRoar · 28/10/2015 14:08

YANBU - but at least your DH can see she's a loon of hte highest order. Was she divorced and therefore DH spent christmas without his Dad/Mum some years? Only way I can see she could think that a child's Christmas would be normal to be without one of the parents...

I would stop making any effort - but do warn your DH that you aren't going to do anything for her anymore (so he doesn't assume you've sent Mothers day flowers etc if he wants to). You aren't part of her family apparently, so she's not part of yours.

CuteAsaF0x · 28/10/2015 14:12

She wanted you to sit on your own on Christmas day?!
wow.

allwornout0 · 28/10/2015 14:13

To exclude her own son's spouse is shocking.

CuteAsaF0x · 28/10/2015 14:13

I agree, stop doing things for her.
She is quite open about not considering you 'family'

SettlinginNicely · 28/10/2015 14:17
Shock

Bizzarre.
Your DH must be mortified. Not sure I would be organising any more flowers, cards, etc.

Original poster
Tinklewinkle · 28/10/2015 14:27

Dinosaurs yes, she's divorced. DH didn't have contact with his Dad for years, he reappeared when DH was in his late teens and even now it's christmas cards/the odd message on FB, so there's never been any Christmases at the other parents house

MiL remarried years ago, and step-FiL has a huge family, she has lots of friends, etc, and DH has an older brother (who is conveniently on holiday this Christmas) so she's not lonely

I don't know, I don't really understand her. I just want an easy life, I don't know how she has the energy for all this carry on

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 28/10/2015 14:29

what an idiot.

yes, def stop all the nice things. if she can't acknowledge you, it's time to stop making an effort.