to think that after 20 years, MiL should stop being such a dick and accept me?

[Tinklewinkle]

MiL doesn't like me. I don't know why, I've always been nice to her, organise flowers for Mother's Day, send Christmas/birthday cards, email photos of the kids, etc, etc. Normal stuff, I do the same for her as I do for my own family.

She phoned at the weekend to speak to DH, apparently she wants a 'family only' Christmas this year, so she has invited DH and our kids. I am obviously not considered her 'family' as I am specifically excluded from the invite. She wants them to travel up Christmas Eve and stay over until Boxing Day

DH just said "er...no, of course not" and now she's having a strop about never getting to see her family at Christmas, etc, etc.

This isn't the first time she's done something like this, and it won't be the last. DH bollocks her, she goes off in a huff then comes back with something else

I found her quite hurtful, but I'm now at the point where don't actually care if she likes me or not. We live 200 miles away, she's not on my door step so I kind of grit my teeth, make polite chit chat and get on with my life, but honestly we've been together 20 years, marred for 15 with 14 and 10 year old daughters, get over it already!

Stop trying to be nice to her. She doesn't deserve it.

Yeah I'd stop being nice to her

I would put up loads ofpics of you and dh and kids at Christmas.Having a lovely day with my IMMEDIATE FAMILY.

See how she likes that.

Completely bonkers, good on your husband! reminds me of the Queen inviting Andrew and the sprogs but Fergie having to spend it on her own. Oooo, Is she the Queen?

Wonder if when SiL marries she'll not invite her DH to 'family' things. Odd that you really don't hear of that, do you? I can't imagine inviting my son and suggesting he leave his wife home! Are there any other siblings or just DH and his sister?

Good on your DH for telling her no. With SiL being young and just home, MiL may find herself sitting alone Christmas Eve and Christmas night whilst SiL meets up with friends to hoist a few and get reacquainted. Too bad, so sad, you lose, MiL!

Definitely step back and stop the cards, etc. Leave it up to your DH to make the effort.

make the calendars with pics of you in too! get your DDs to snap one of you and stick in on the month of your wedding anniversary. Even your wedding photo!

In fact just make one up with you on every single page.

If shes going to be a dick might as well have fun doing it!

yes I like to poke a bear, its fun

post with you, OP. I see that DH has a brother who will be 'out of town'. Wonder if she treats his wife the same way?

You've a good husband there OP. He's on your side and won't let his mother diminish your place in his life. Not all DHs are the same.
Friends of the family - bloke was invited to chrsitmas dinner at his mums, assumed it was him plus wife and child. When they got there - no place set for wife, not enough food, she just was not catered for. His mum acted genuinely surprised to see her!! BUT this pillock of a man sat there to eat his christmas dinner, while his poor bloomin wife sat on the sofa! what the hell that said to their child I don't know. he had to ask his mum if it was OK to let his wife have an orange out of the fruit bowl. Then it was presents. The wife got

wait for it

a cabbage

wrapped in newspaper!

I love the calendar idea, you must do that,

When around at hers to be careful not to eat or drink anything specially made for you.

Seems like your hubby is a star for standing up for you all this time, but I wonder if he's a bit sick of mediating between the two of you? And why does she continue to do things she knows she'll get bollocked for? Sounds a bit like a toddler that will do anything for some attention, even if it's being told off!

Why don't you stand up to her yourself and demand she behaves a bit better towards you, then the two of you can have your spat, say what you really think of each other and maybe even call a truce once and for all?

Jesus Christ, what an old bat! I'm often reminded of how very, very lucky I am with my MIL, who is wonderful generally and also wonderful to me. The stories I've heard of devil MILs, both on here and in RL, have made my hair curl.

I hope you don't gloss over or hide her unreasonable behavior - you don't want your DDs getting the idea it is you being unpleasant to her.

I would stop the cards and flowers. She really doesn't deserve it.

Orrery, have you read the FT? The op has done nothing to encourage MIL's behavior. She has done her best to ignore MIL's poor behavior and has treated her own DM and MIL the same, yet MIL continues treating the OP badly. You mediate a situation where both parties need to change, you don't mediate between a bully and the victim. You can't call a truce with a bully ether, it's not a spat, it's bullying.
OP Sadly history is repeating itself for me. My GM was a nasty bully and my MIL is the same. I remember what my GM did, I'm sure my DC will remember what their GM does too. And that is what will hurt these people most, being remembered for what they really are/were, a nasty peace of work.

She never actually does or says anything directly to me.

When we're together she's perfectly civil.

I don't think DH is mediating, I'm not actually involved in any of it, he's having a conversation with his mother.

To be honest, I've never really seen ordering flowers/emailing photos as me doing a nice thing for her. More that I'm ordering/emailing my own mum so I'm doing DH a favour by including her at the same time

My (S)MIL stopped speaking to me 3 years ago - apparently she thought I "judged" her. Didn't at the time, but I sure as hell do now (long and boring back story) . I always have felt quite sad about it, but I see it could have been an awful lot worse. OP - you have the patience of a saint. Time to stop being saint like now I think. In your shoes I would be absolutely livid and be ringing to ask what the hell she was playing at. It never ceases to amaze me how badly people behave and get away with it sometimes (yes SMIL and SILs I'm looking at you). Enjoy YOUR lovely intimate family Christmas without having to entertain the loon. And now she's made it clear that you are not considered family you don't have to indulge her ever again with invitations or consideration, let alone photos, cards and flowers!

Absolutely ridiculous . She is just bonkers!

Not sure we are getting the full story here. A woman phones and asks children to spend Christmas without their mother? And expects the father and kids to say yes?

she's crazy.
and you can't argue with crazy.
good on you for not getting dragged into the whirlwind of her neuroses.
just ignore the old cunt.

Why would she think your DC would rather spend Christmas Day with her, than with you?

She could quite easily get to spend Christmas Day with her believed son and DGC, but by excluding you, she misses out.

She does quite an impressive line in cutting off her nose to spite her face, doesn't she?

Well done to her, she's the mistress of her own situation.

Stop trying. It makes you a doormat and gives her all the power.

She sounds cray-cray!

I never understand all these accounts of mad grandparents who make ludicrous demands. When they do, why don't people just laugh in their faces and tell them to get stuffed?

why don't people just laugh in their faces and tell them to get stuffed?

Because their own children have grown up with the mad behaviour as their normal, so they are often conditioned to give in to the ridiculous demands. And add in a spouse who enables the mad behaviour and the children can end up with real problems right into adulthood.

You can see the results of this on the Relationships board. In this case, the OP's DH is able to go against that conditioning, but in the case described by PHANTOMnamechanger, that DH wasn't able to see his mother's behaviour as anything but normal, hence the lack of protesting the treatment of his wife.

Phantom that's a horrible story. A cabbage wrapped up in newspaper? What on earth did she say? Makes me feel bad for complaining when my dad bought my dh a £12 jumper from Asda at 5pm on Xmas eve while db's gf got an £80 handbag.