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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross about dh's comment

42 replies

Pleurepaslabouchepleine · 27/10/2015 16:49

I'm going to try to give you as much as info as possible :

Dh and I both work full time but I do everything regarding house management (banking, kids needing stuff for school, dropping off, pick up, all the school holiday care, meal planing, cooking, home budget, food shopping etc...)

You get the picture, I do everything apart from the laundry because he commented on the way I put the laundry to dry and I don't iron his shirt. He also feeds the pets. We have the help of a cleaner.

Anyway, on Saturday, he asked me how much was left in the account...I told him nicely : you have the right to check the account yourself you know ! His answer was : why should I ? I barely spend anything on myself !!

It's not true that he doesn't spend anything on himself but even so, he should want to be more involved on the in and outs concerning our joint bank account ?? I do the budget, I check the account every day.

I'm really cross by his desinvolture. Aibu ???

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 27/10/2015 16:53

Well if you check it every day why didn't you just tell him what was left in there?

WorraLiberty · 27/10/2015 17:03

What dementedpixie said

Why not just tell him then? Confused

If this is about more than that (and I suspect it is), and you want him to do more around the home, you need to have a conversation about it.

Original poster
Pleurepaslabouchepleine · 27/10/2015 17:03

I hadn't check that particular morning, so you think I expect too much ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pleurepaslabouchepleine · 27/10/2015 17:06

We had the conversation about dividing a bit more the shores, and he was going to do the banking but a comment like that doesn't make it feel good ? There is more, we have been seeing a councillor for the last 4 months, I'm really resentful of him..he said he is going to help more but he never does...he relies on me a lot.

OP posts:
PisforPeter · 27/10/2015 17:08

You need to sit down & divide up the jobs to be done so you work together as a team, that's what we do. Having a cleaner is a great start. I suppose it's all about communication really.

lacktoastandtolerance · 27/10/2015 17:08

YABU not to have a proper conversation about how you feel regarding his contribution to running the house, which is the actual issue here.

Instead of passive aggressive comments about checking the bank balance himself, you could have a) told him what it was when you last checked and then b) had a discussion about why you think you're generally doing more than is fair around the house.

Sighing · 27/10/2015 17:09

Your guess, based on the previous day / knowledge of Direct debits etc would b3 better than his. Could you not have said "based on vastly more knowledge I'd guess x ... but you'd have to check to be sure."
If you feel upset by him saying he doedn't spend. Did you feel guilty? Criticised?

DoreenLethal · 27/10/2015 17:09

He relies on you - or just lets you do it all because he can't be arsed?

popalot · 27/10/2015 17:09

some people are crap with money. If you are doing a good job controlling finances keep it that way. If it's too much, have a sit down and go over it together. Sounds like he doesn't want anything to do with household management and that would piss me off - seeing as you both work ft - especially his not spending money on himself comment. What about groceries/petrol etc etc?

Original poster
Pleurepaslabouchepleine · 27/10/2015 17:13

We had the conversation last week but he hasn't put anything in action ! I didn't feel critized for the spending comments, he was being a martyre ! He has been out 4 times over the last 5 weeks, he can't say he hasn't spend ! He can do what he wants but not tell me he never spends money on himself !

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 27/10/2015 17:13

you should have told him what the amount was, if you had not checked it that morning you should have told him what it was the pervious day.

BojackHorseman · 27/10/2015 17:14

If my wife asks how much is in the joint account then I tell her, why couldn't you tell him?

Original poster
Pleurepaslabouchepleine · 27/10/2015 17:18

I'm just sick of having all the responsabilities that's all, and we had the conversation. I make sure everything is paid and the rest. I think I would have told him how much was in the account (as I always do) if it was not for the added comments about his never spending money.

OP posts:
GruntledOne · 27/10/2015 17:19

You need to have a discussion with him about how, even when he doesn't go out, the money going out is still being spent on him. Or doesn't he think it costs anything to put a roof over his head, feed him, wash him and his things, provide heating for him, clean all the stuff he uses, furnish the house, pay for his IT access and TV etc etc - and to do all of that for his children?

Original poster
Pleurepaslabouchepleine · 27/10/2015 17:24

What you are saying Gruntled, was my answer to him after his comment. Tonight is councelling night..I can't wait.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 27/10/2015 17:38

On the face of it, it wasn't an unreasonable question.

Increasingly though, I am out of love with joint accounts even though we do have one which I use for grocery shopping. I know some swear by them, but I don't and I think they create tension and I disliked the feeling that anything I did could have been open to scrutiny.

Original poster
Pleurepaslabouchepleine · 27/10/2015 17:41

I agree we are going towards separating our accounts !!

OP posts:
Shutthatdoor · 27/10/2015 17:43

Why not just tell him Hmm

Original poster
Pleurepaslabouchepleine · 27/10/2015 17:47

We talked about it too..sorry I'm very long term lurker but never really posted so I guess I'm annoying by not giving all the fact. I'm sorry I'm just really down, it's half term and I'm in charge of the children as always, he never takes any time off to help during the half terms.

OP posts:
iwasyoungonce · 27/10/2015 17:49

Well I can see why you didn't just want to tell him.

You're sick of being responsible for EVERYTHING and I don't blame you! It sounds like you have an extra kid on your hands.

I'd also be thinking "why can't you just check your fucking self, rather than asking me?" If he didn't expect you to do bloody everything I'm sure yo wouldn't have thought twice about answering the bank question.

i think people are (deliberately) missing the point.

Duckdeamon · 27/10/2015 17:53

I get it. Have had the same passive aggressive exchange with DH a while ago because I was aggrieved about our respective domestic workloads at the time, felt generally overwhelmed, and couldn't be arsed thinking about something he could check himself! I was pretty rude. he was doing a hell of a lot more than your bloke mind you! Yours sounds rubbish.

So you're in counselling, one of the problems is he doesn't do his fair share (but spends more than his fair share?) and he knows your concerns but nothing has changed over time? And his attitude is that it's your job and he's just "helping"?

What are you going to do if he won't change now - call time on the relationship?

Original poster
Pleurepaslabouchepleine · 27/10/2015 17:58

Iwasyoungonce - I'm feeling so overwhelmed by all I have to do, I feel like I want to leave and never come back and let him deal with everything...I'm working 55 hours a week and has been since 05/01/15. He hasn't taken on more chores as he has promised...or he will do what he has promised but lack of consistence.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pleurepaslabouchepleine · 27/10/2015 18:06

Our problem is that we got together 15 years ago and had a ds very quickly in the relationship then another one 3 years after. We have never really been a couple without children so problems have surfaced...we really neglected our marriage, it's all chores and no fun. I really can't fault him on money, he is not a big spender, he can do what he wants and I know he is reasonable. It's just yes the chores...the cooking..on Sunday, he was supposed to cook a casserole but was very hangover so I did it instead of him...instead of being appreciative and shutting the fuck up : he said in a very passive-aggressive tone : why didn't you add lentils or butterbeans??? Ffs, I was following a recipe and last time I checked making 2 sausages casserole in his whole life doesn't make him an expert !!! It was the tone he used !!

He is very passive aggressive and I collapse every time we have an argument meaning we don't know how to resolve conflict. That's what we are learning to do with councillor.

OP posts:
Enjolrass · 27/10/2015 18:08

Me and dh have a fairly equal relationship. Some weeks I have the kids more or do more chores. Some weeks it's him.

Dh however runs our joint account. I never bother looking at it. Because we both put enough in there to cover the bills then everything else goes into our own accounts.

I honestly find the mn view that joint money is a must a bit baffling.

I would have just told him, but can see why you didn't. He said he would start being more responsible and he hasn't .

how childcare and chord are very personal things . What works for one couple doesn't work for another. But both people have to be happy with it. And you aren't.

iwasyoungonce · 27/10/2015 18:08

Yes, it is overwhelming. You need to get him to understand.

Does he love and care about you?

Could you sit down (when you're both calm) and really talk to him?

He has to see that it's unfair - you both work, so all the other chores/responsibilities need to be shared. It's just common sense. He has to drop this idea that he is "helping you" when he does anything.

It would drive me utterly fucking mental if it was me. In fact, I couldn't live like it. The lack of respect and care for me that it demonstrates would be enough for me to leave my DH if he had this attitude.