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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be cross about dh's comment

42 replies

Pleurepaslabouchepleine · 27/10/2015 16:49

I'm going to try to give you as much as info as possible :

Dh and I both work full time but I do everything regarding house management (banking, kids needing stuff for school, dropping off, pick up, all the school holiday care, meal planing, cooking, home budget, food shopping etc...)

You get the picture, I do everything apart from the laundry because he commented on the way I put the laundry to dry and I don't iron his shirt. He also feeds the pets. We have the help of a cleaner.

Anyway, on Saturday, he asked me how much was left in the account...I told him nicely : you have the right to check the account yourself you know ! His answer was : why should I ? I barely spend anything on myself !!

It's not true that he doesn't spend anything on himself but even so, he should want to be more involved on the in and outs concerning our joint bank account ?? I do the budget, I check the account every day.

I'm really cross by his desinvolture. Aibu ???

OP posts:

lorelei9 · 27/10/2015 18:09

OP, thank you for teaching me a fab new word!

okay, this isn't about that one particular request. It's about the fact that he doesn't share responsibility. YANBU at all. He needs to do his share.

Also, of course he spends money and of course if it's a joint account he can keep an eye on it too. A friendly request "do you happen to know our balance?" is different than how he put it.

Duckdeamon · 27/10/2015 18:21

55 hours a week plus DC and doing vast majority of the housework is too too much. Since DH isn't doing his bit and you're not keen to end the relationship, could there be some temporary things that could help?

Are the DC teens then? If so they could do some chores too! DH and the DC could work up a plan!

Stop making him food! Butterbeans his arse!

Original poster

Pleurepaslabouchepleine · 27/10/2015 18:23

We need to have a plan and stick to it, I'd like to do dinner sometimes but he comes back at 7 and I at 6 so it makes sense for me to do it but it also means I can't practice any sport...I'd love to run but from 6 pm not after dinner. I start at 7 am and it way too early for me to go...gosh I realise I moan a lot. Also if he wants me to believe he appreciates what all the things I do : he needs to stop the sarky comments !! The councillor advised us not to do anymore jokes !! Lorelei...what is the new word I have taught you ???

OP posts:

Original poster

Pleurepaslabouchepleine · 27/10/2015 18:24

We have a teen and a preteen yes and yes they do help a bit but not enough to make a difference. I'd like to separate for a while and let him deal with everything

OP posts:

lorelei9 · 27/10/2015 18:26

OP, you have taught me "désinvolture"

I love it!

and you are not moaning at all, and yes you should be able to go for a run. It doesn't make sense for you to cook because you get home earlier - there are loads of ways to organise meals.

tbh I wouldn't care about him "appreciating" what you do - I think it's more important the work is shared equally. Domestic work is a lot of work.

Original poster

Pleurepaslabouchepleine · 27/10/2015 18:38

Lorelei - I should have said nonchalance instead of desinvolture ..you guessed English was not my first language ! I'm going to seat him down tonight if we are not pissed off with one another

OP posts:

lorelei9 · 27/10/2015 21:11

OP, I like learning new words and that's a great one.

Good luck with the conversation and counselling.

What does your username mean please? Is it something about speaking honestly, or am I way off base in my guess?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/10/2015 21:29

on Sunday, he was supposed to cook a casserole but was very hangover so I did it instead of him

Why?

LittleInsaneBloodRedSparke · 28/10/2015 07:15

I think you need a cleaner / house help?
Is that possible with your 2 incomes? (Or out of his income if he won't help out?)

DeoGratias · 28/10/2015 07:20

The one task I think all women shuld keep doing is the banking and finances as far too many men clean out accounts, divorce, don't tell wives about what money there is etc. By all means let him do tidying up or getting what the chidlren need for school next day out or all the washing and cooking but keep the banking and admin role. I did our tax returns for 20 years and he took the children to the dentist and more importantly remembered it and organised it for those years etc etc.

It sounds like you need to allocate jobs better. I know you say you have a cleaner but much else is still to be done. It tends to work best if the other person is totally responsible on tasks rather than just helping out on some major tasks. So what about he does all the washing and you do none? He does all the cooking and washing up? Those two areas alone would give you a good bit of time. Also try you having the children on Saturday all day and he on Sunday. We did that a bit for a while and it worked well.

Original poster

Pleurepaslabouchepleine · 28/10/2015 08:13

The therapy yesterday was really hard but also very good as it felt I was relieving an abscess, sorry for the comparison but it's really what if felt like. We started a conversation afterwards and we are going to talk some more tonight.

We do have a cleaner and it's really a big help, its everything else that needs dividing up...meal planning, cooking, shopping, bills which are not direct debit needing to be paid,etc...true we need to allocate better and communicate better

OP posts:

iwasyoungonce · 28/10/2015 21:29

Glad the therapy's helping - if it's got you talking that has to be good.

Good luck Pleure.

Phineyj · 29/10/2015 07:52

Good luck - if DH and I had had children earlier in our relationship this would have been us, so I totally see where you are coming from! I have still after 15 years had zero success in getting DH to take any interest in our joint finances so after many rows, I've kept all that myself, but he does pull his weight in other ways. This did not happen by accident though but after a lot of talking and a couple of bouts of counselling.

I do think partners (of either gender) are idiots to let things become unequal in this way. I have also noticed that a lot of the people who act all 'poor me, I have no idea what to do with a bank account' are perfectly able to handle large sums competently at work...

fallenangel14 · 29/10/2015 08:38

I get you completely OP. He's happily a man-child and it is not your fault he chooses to default on adult responsibilities. I know. I've lived with one for 15 years. My partner maintains he can't understand how to book a family holiday abroad. He manages to sort out a flight for himself for a work conference, mind.

Original poster

Pleurepaslabouchepleine · 29/10/2015 09:15

He has a good heart but a good heart is not enough...I was really sceptical about councelling but now I can't see myself without it, she really helps us making sense, I just hope it reaches Dh as he swears it does.

OP posts:

Clutterbugsmum · 29/10/2015 10:03

I was really skeptical about counselling but now I can't see myself without it, she really helps us making sense, I just hope it reaches Dh as he swears it does.

So your Dh is saying he understands, but what more importantly is he showing/doing to show that the counselling is working.

Duckdeamon · 29/10/2015 11:17

Yes, actions speak louder than words.

Hard to change things if habits have been longstanding, and the status quo suits him!

HE should make a plan to share domestic work between himself and (age appropriately) the DC. And entirely take over certain things (of your choosing?)

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