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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

mil @ xmas

110 replies

selina1925 · 27/10/2015 11:22

I have never got on with my mil, she thinks I am needy greedy and lazy.
Earlier this year she was widowed and I was so supportive helping her find a home for my fil who had Alzheimers, getting finances sorted, then organising funeral, probate etc. I did this because I am a nice person and genuinely wanted to help - but I dont want her to come here for xmas! we dont have a spare bed so either we would have to give up our bed or our home from uni son would have to give up his bed - and she is not a joining in sort of person, criticises how much we spend, what we eat what we drink etc etc. She has never bought us presents but makes a bank transfer xmas week! I can see that it would be very stressful. She only wants to do what she wants to do and when she wants to do it. We would have to pick her up and take her home as travelling by train is too expensive!
My OH is torn between being here with us but wanting to support his mum - he suggests having xmas brunch with us then driving 2 hours to hers for xmas dinner and staying over returning boxing day. i think she should either have us over to stay boxing day (my suggestion) or go to stay with her sister. She has remarkable neighbours who would be delighted to have her spend xmas day with them but she announced that she will be coming to ours...

OP posts:

Chattymummyhere · 27/10/2015 17:15

When the time comes I don't plan on inviting mil or my dad which ever if left to my house out of duty.

I stand by you can't treat people like crap and then expect them to come running because all of a sudden your alone. If you burn your bridges tough.

Imogenlasting · 27/10/2015 17:24

Chatty, I agree if someone's really nasty and toxic and causes endless grief and trouble, there is only so much people can be expected to put up with.

But some posters seem to think that anyone who might in anyway make your Christmas less than perfect should just be shoved out. To me that's not what Christmas should be about.

Winifredgoose · 27/10/2015 17:33

I think yabu. I dislike my mil. She is irritating and out right rude at times. However, I wouldn't even consider leaving her to go to the neighbours the christmas after her husband died. I would feel really sorry for her/guilty.

maddy68 · 27/10/2015 17:40

My adult son gladly gives up his bed at Christmas time for his grandparents routinely.
She has just been widowed. Of course you should welcome her for Christmas. I can't imagine anyone not inviting her.

laughingatweather · 27/10/2015 19:07

My Mum has been a complete twat and a shit Mum at times. I've probably been a shit daughter at times.

There is no way on earth I would leave her to spend Christmas with neighbours, particularly not on her first Christmas as a widow. I would be really upset if a partner asked/expected me to do that.

Maybe your DH, with full knowledge of how difficult his Mum can be (access you say) wants to be with his Mum during the first Christmas after his Dad's death.

It's one overnight stay. In my family, an adult not willing to give up a bed for ONE night for an elderly relative would be viewed extremely harshly.

She's not asking for a week. She wants one overnight stay. In the absence of drug or alcohol abuse or abusive behaviour I don't see how you can't put up with ONE night.

A 'nice person' would do that.

laughingatweather · 27/10/2015 19:08

As you say - not access you say!

AimlesslyPurposeful · 27/10/2015 20:12

If, God forbid, this is your MIL's last Christmas and you stamp your feet and refuse to have her then that will have a lasting impact on your DH.

Why not have her this year as it's her first as a widow and it's only normal for her to want to spend it with her son. It's also his first Chirstmas without his DF and they may both enjoy reminising together.

You could say to your DH and MIL that it was lovely that her sister was so insistant she went there and that obviously you understand completely that next Christmas she'll want to go there.

RatherBeRiding · 27/10/2015 20:43

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable. Not a cat in hell's chance would I or my DCs be giving up a bed for someone like your MiL. That's what Travelodges are for. So she's a recent widow and elderly - maybe she should have made more effort with you all when she wasn't an elderly widow. What goes around comes around.

Regardless of whose side of the story is the "right" one - she doesn't like you and you don't like her. Your son doesn't want to spend Christmas with her and your DH only feels he does out of guilt? Who the hell is going to get any enjoyment out of that particular Christmas scenario? Christmas doesn't magically make people get on well together despite all the unrealistic hype and if no-one is going to enjoy it - then why on earth bother just because it's Christmas?

Her sister is family. It's not like she is going to be on her own!

LetGoOrBeDragged · 27/10/2015 20:46

You can't go down the route of thinking it might be mils last Christmas. My mum used to think this about her own rude, very hard work mil. My gran is still going strong and my mum has said no to any more Christmasses with her. My poor mum never got a break and it was her Christmas too!

People on MN turn themselves inside out trying to find reasonable explanations for rude, nasty behaviour (like the eulogy example or the inheritance converstion the OPs mil had). Sometimes you have to accept that some people are just horrible and be done with it!

Imogenlasting · 28/10/2015 09:20

One of the reasons some of us don't think she's necessarily really horrible is because she does seem to have other people who would welcome her at Christmas.
And no one's turning themselves inside out, just trying to understand both sides of a story before we denounce an elderly widowed woman we've never met as a bitch or toxic or horrible on the internet.

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