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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

mil @ xmas

110 replies

selina1925 · 27/10/2015 11:22

I have never got on with my mil, she thinks I am needy greedy and lazy.
Earlier this year she was widowed and I was so supportive helping her find a home for my fil who had Alzheimers, getting finances sorted, then organising funeral, probate etc. I did this because I am a nice person and genuinely wanted to help - but I dont want her to come here for xmas! we dont have a spare bed so either we would have to give up our bed or our home from uni son would have to give up his bed - and she is not a joining in sort of person, criticises how much we spend, what we eat what we drink etc etc. She has never bought us presents but makes a bank transfer xmas week! I can see that it would be very stressful. She only wants to do what she wants to do and when she wants to do it. We would have to pick her up and take her home as travelling by train is too expensive!
My OH is torn between being here with us but wanting to support his mum - he suggests having xmas brunch with us then driving 2 hours to hers for xmas dinner and staying over returning boxing day. i think she should either have us over to stay boxing day (my suggestion) or go to stay with her sister. She has remarkable neighbours who would be delighted to have her spend xmas day with them but she announced that she will be coming to ours...

OP posts:

Imogenlasting · 27/10/2015 14:22

Just because it is Christmas doesn't mean you compromise your family Christmas for someone else.

Gosh, I wonder how you would like it if one of your children decided you were no longer 'family' but 'someone else'.

Toooldtobearsed · 27/10/2015 14:22

So, you have answered your own question.

She is a nightmare and you are nice. Really?

Do what you want. Personally, I think that no matter who we are, we all have faults, that is what makes us human. Some are harder to live with than others, but we all have them.

I have to listen to the same three sentences being repeated ad nauseum when I have my mum, with altzeimers staying. I honestly feel like screaming at times, but I don't, I suck it up because one day that could be me.

My mil is practically deaf, so we need to shout, have the tv blaring and put up with her highly opinionated views. I suck it up because she is lovely, just flawed, like me.

It is a two hour drive north to pick up my parents and an hour and a half south to collect in laws. We do it without a thought (we do have a winge about it though, in private), because they could not cope with public transport, assuming it was available.

But you have obviously already decided not to have her stay and we're looking here for support in that.

ShebaShimmyShake · 27/10/2015 14:28

Just because it is Christmas doesn't mean you compromise your family Christmas for someone else.

Good God. First of all, MIL is family - she's the husband's mother. Husband has lost his father and his mother is now a widow so maybe we should find out what he thinks about all this.

And as for Christmas not being a compromise...jeez. Part of the point of Christmas is being forced to go and see irritating family members and pretend to love being given rubbish socks and to be enamoured of your cousin's drooling new baby. That's what Christmas IS. One massive compromise.

Anyway, pity me, OP. I'll be pregnant so I can't even drink this time.

VimFuego101 · 27/10/2015 14:30

I think you need to extend the invite. If you can't easily do the pickup, then let her decide whether she wants to take the train or not. If she complains, you need to think of a polite way to rebuff her and tell her 'that's how we do Christmas here'.

cantucci01 · 27/10/2015 14:35

i'm not understanding the train issue either, why can't you do a reasonable version of this - if she's short of money, can you pay for the train or can she wave the bank xfer and pay for her own train and a hotel for the night? It could be a chance to build bridges. Best to be very clear with pushy people and work out upfront what you will and won't do then it's less stressful and you have control.

Wonderous · 27/10/2015 14:43

She is old and a pain in the area and you don't get on. She's also just lost her husband of no doubt decades after missing him through a terrible illness. Additionally she is the woman who nurtured your husband to be the man he is today... She gives you money rather than landing you with gifts you'll probably hate. Oh and it's Christmas ffs. Have a little compassion for one fucking day perhaps. She won't be around forever so then you can get on with Christmas how you want it. Glad I'm not spending it with you.

Wonderous · 27/10/2015 14:45

Area - arse
Missing - nursing
I hate spelling mistakes when I rant!

FFSYourself · 27/10/2015 14:49

Gosh, there are a lot of harsh posts on this thread

OP, I think you have to work this out with your DH. It's understandable that he wants to give in to his Mum.

NanaNina · 27/10/2015 15:16

I think there is altogether too much hype about Christmas and it's started before the end of October! Families fall out over who is invited where, and I'm sure there are arguments on the "big day" because Christmas tends to heighten emotions. I think the ads have a lot to do with it, depicting happy smiling families around the table as the turkey is carried in by someone who has definitely not spent the morning in the kitchen cooking a turkey!

As for the MIL - it's just a couple off days not a couple of weeks! She should have waited to be asked but probably knew she wouldn't be. I don't really understand OP how you have been on holiday with her since she's such a pain - surely that was longer than 2 days? Also the OH wants to spend Christmas day with his mother (possibly out of guilt) but there's a lot of that around especially at Christmas! Shouldn't his views be taken into account?

Imogenlasting · 27/10/2015 15:48

Totally agree Nana. The hype is ridiculous and Christmas has become a major stress fest for a lot of people. Already on MN there have been so many threads from people worrying about who they should and shouldn't spend Christmas with. Years ago people just invited any members of the family who weren't actually sociopathic, and everyone just got on with it.

Nowadays, we're all brainwashed into imagining this perfect, smiley, 'it's a wonderful life' kind of Christmas and feel short changed if we have to do anything that goes against that.

LadyLonely1 · 27/10/2015 16:00

What does your dh think? Seems like he wants her there but you are making every excuse not to want her. You really can't find it in your 'kind' nature to not leave her alone on her first Christmas without her dh??
Also your ds is a grown adult, can't he offer her his bed for one night?
Definitely need to hear her side too.

rookiemere · 27/10/2015 16:22

I do get confused by mumsnet sometimes. Usually when relatives are toxic posters are advised to cut contact, but apparently being old makes up for mean behaviour in the past.

It sounds like your DS not being included in the eulogy is the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm thinking that it's your DS's reluctance to have her there, along with her ignoring of his presence in his GFs life that has caused you to be so hard line on this.

Sadly I think you do have to have her there, but only for this first year, not for her sake but for the memory of your FIL and for your DH's request and for sake of doing the right thing - she may not have but you've always done the right thing in the past, so don't stoop to her level now.

I wouldn't be driving her there and back though. I'd check up fares to the station an hour away and then if it's reasonable I'd let her know you'll be treating her for her christmas present. That way you can control how long she stays and you don't either have to do 2 x 4 hr round trips or stay at hers.

Imogenlasting · 27/10/2015 16:27

She sounds, at the very worst, a bit awkward and contrary. 'Toxic' is a bit unfair.

ShebaShimmyShake · 27/10/2015 16:39

No rookie...the problem is that we just don't know enough about the situation to be able to take OP's account as the be all and end all. It really is one of those situations where we'd need both accounts to know whether MIL really is the unmitigated harridan, and OP the endlessly nice person, that OP claims they both are. Again, I am absolutely not accusing OP of lying. I have no doubt her account is true in her perception. But there'll be another side here that we just don't know. MIL might well be as awful as OP says she is, but we just can't take that as certain from the information we have.

We also don't know fully what the husband thinks. And given that this is his mother, and it's his first Christmas without his father, I think his feelings have to be considered as a priority here.

That's why so many of us are suggesting OP cut her some slack.

So we do have to take into account the fact that she is elderly, facing her first Christmas without her husband and wants to spend a day, maybe a day and a half, with her son and his family. Christmas is a dreadful time for lonely people and the recently bereaved. Suicides go up at Christmas for a reason.

OP didn't post in Relationships saying 'Help from those with a similar experience please - how do I cope with MIL at Christmas?' She posted in AIBU. Some of us feel that she is.

She can have MIL on her own terms regarding transport, length of stay and so on. She can be firm if MIL is rude or nasty or unreasonable. But given the situation, a lot of us feel she really should just put up with it for a day or whatever. Especially given that part of the point of Christmas is to put up with stupid annoying relatives for the day.

Why do you think we buy so much alcohol?

Jux · 27/10/2015 16:50

Bank transfer is good. Or book tokens.

Get her on Xmas Eve, drive her back on Boxing Day. Do the Xmas you always do, the way you always do it. Whatever traditions you usually follow. She can watch, join in, or hide in your son's room. That's up to her.

She might chop veg for you!

Wtfmummy · 27/10/2015 16:51

Gosh, I wonder how you would like it if one of your children decided you were no longer 'family' but 'someone else You know what, that would be absolutely awful, it would be the end of my world. But I would do anything to make sure that didn't happen, my kids are my everything and I would force myself to make an effort with their partners and not treat them as OP describes being treated.

Good God. First of all, MIL is family - she's the husband's mother. I meant OPs immediate family I.e the people she loves: her DH & DS. In my view, a family connection does not mean you put up with shit and someone being a bitch to you in your house.

Imogenlasting · 27/10/2015 16:57

Wtf, do you also think your parents are no longer immediate family because you're married with children of your own? And supposing OP's husband still loves his mother?? Your attitude sounds quite selfish to me.

And while you might be prepared to make every effort with future dils, that doesn't necessarily mean you will have a great relationship with them. But you will still be your son's mother, and part of his immediate family.

Imogenlasting · 27/10/2015 17:00

And why does Christmas being a compromise mean it's 'bloody awful'.

It means people care enough about other family members to make a bit of effort at Christmas, even if it means keeping Uncle Bob away from the sherry and listening to Aunt Jane's boring stories and grumbling under your breath about having to fetch cousin Mildred from the train. That's real family life. Not isolating yourself in pursuit of the perfect Christmas.

Lauren15 · 27/10/2015 17:03

I can't understand why a child can't give up his bed for his gran. How strange. My children do it all the time.
We've had a couple of Christmases spoiled by my 'd'b so we would never go anywhere near him at that time of year. However I'd feel different about an elderly parent particularly one who has been widowed recently. Unless they have done something malicious or toxic, you have to take care of your parents in their old age and I don't think this is the case with the Op's MIL.

Chattymummyhere · 27/10/2015 17:04

I think the family unit as in those who live together does come first. In laws/parents had their time to make the rules on how they wanted things done when their children where younger now it's up to their children how they do things. I would hate my future dil/sil to feel they had to do something just because I birthed their partner.

I don't make my plans around in laws or my own parents they fit in with my family unit if they wish to visit etc

Oh and I spend more Christmas days with my in laws than my own parents so when it comes to that day the in laws get treated better as me and dh have a compromise even though I dislike mil for a multitude of reasons.

FoodPorn · 27/10/2015 17:05

YABU (and I speak as someone working hard to have neither DM or MIL at my house this Christmas!)

I think this is an occasion where you should graciously invite her and treat her as a most welcome guest.

Wtfmummy · 27/10/2015 17:06

imogenlasting I think we are going to have to agree to disagree here. Your Christmas sounds like something from a bad film and not something I have experienced in real life.

And yeah, I don't count MILs as immediate family when it is compromising my children's Christmas. My children would come first, my husband would come first, you know what, the dog would come first.

Thankfully this is AIBU and I can have my opinion and you can have yours eh...

Imogenlasting · 27/10/2015 17:09

They mightn't by your immediate family Wtf, but they're your husband's.

Chatty I don't think it's about 'making rules', or dividing people into 'units'. It's about making sure that everyone in the family is being looked after over Christmas, and no one is having their feelings unnecessarily hurt, or being left alone without a very good reason.

rookiemere · 27/10/2015 17:12

I think the reason that the DS may be reluctant to give up his bed for his dear old gran is that she deliberately chose to use the the eulogy to make a point of excluding his role in FIL's life choosing instead to talk about a grandson that FIL had never met.

Yes we haven't heard both sides of the story, but that sounds like a fairly conscious and deliberate act of malice on MIL's part.

Listen I think she should come as well as it's the right thing to do for a widows first Christmas, but being Christmas and being a widow doesn't make someone into a nice person and doesn't stop others by being hurt by their poor behaviour in the past.

Imogenlasting · 27/10/2015 17:15

In fairness, there could be reasons why she didn't include him in the eulogy. As another poster said, people often go out of their way to mention relatives abroad who couldn't be at the funeral. Also, close relatives delivering a eulogy are usually grieving and not thinking very clearly. Without actually hearing the eulogy, we can't really make a judgment on that. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that it was deliberate and malicious. It may have been, but not necessarily.

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