Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

mil @ xmas

110 replies

selina1925 · 27/10/2015 11:22

I have never got on with my mil, she thinks I am needy greedy and lazy.
Earlier this year she was widowed and I was so supportive helping her find a home for my fil who had Alzheimers, getting finances sorted, then organising funeral, probate etc. I did this because I am a nice person and genuinely wanted to help - but I dont want her to come here for xmas! we dont have a spare bed so either we would have to give up our bed or our home from uni son would have to give up his bed - and she is not a joining in sort of person, criticises how much we spend, what we eat what we drink etc etc. She has never bought us presents but makes a bank transfer xmas week! I can see that it would be very stressful. She only wants to do what she wants to do and when she wants to do it. We would have to pick her up and take her home as travelling by train is too expensive!
My OH is torn between being here with us but wanting to support his mum - he suggests having xmas brunch with us then driving 2 hours to hers for xmas dinner and staying over returning boxing day. i think she should either have us over to stay boxing day (my suggestion) or go to stay with her sister. She has remarkable neighbours who would be delighted to have her spend xmas day with them but she announced that she will be coming to ours...

OP posts:

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 27/10/2015 12:15

She sounds like she was a bitch before she was widowed, why is a lack of husband going to magically make her any more pleasant?

Goodwill only goes so far, if she's got form for being a pain in the arse I'd not have her in my home ruining a family event either.

Seriouslyffs · 27/10/2015 12:15

I'd invite my worse enemy for Christmas in those circumstances.

Imogenlasting · 27/10/2015 12:18

Why do you think she's a bitch Procrastinator? We've only heard the OP's view of this woman, and she has also said that there are plenty of neighbours who would love to have her for Christmas day.
I'm not getting any particularly strong impression of a 'bitch'.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 27/10/2015 12:20

Maybe your son won't mind a jot giving up his bed for one night for his recently widowed gran? It's what loads of families have to do over Christmas. Treat her to the train as her pressie, let her join in or not if she prefers not to, and crack on with your Christmas.

I think YABU and not terribly nice.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 27/10/2015 12:20

Wow, leaving someone newly widowed on their own for Christmas, that's cold. at the poster suggesting you let an elderly woman sleep on an airbed so your young, healthy son can have a bed.

Axekick · 27/10/2015 12:20

She sounds like she was a bitch before she was widowed, why is a lack of husband going to magically make her any more pleasant?

if she was so awful the OP wouldn't be prepared to go there, or have helped her out before.

Where do you get the 'she sounds like a bitch!' From.

The OP says herself other people would be happy to have her. Sounds like OP and her mil just don't get on. Personally I would move past that for just this Christmas.

tekeo · 27/10/2015 12:21

I'm not my mil's biggest fan and I think the feeling is mutual. But I'd never say she couldn't stay for one night over Xmas! Fgs!

BeanGirls · 27/10/2015 12:21

Yabu your uni aged son could give up his bed for his grandmother for one night. It's basic manners. It's her first Christmas as a widow and it means so much to your dh
that he'd drive 2 hours on Christmas day to be with her.

Bank transfer as a present sounds ideal.

Are you needy greedy and Lazy?

Imogenlasting · 27/10/2015 12:24

When you say she's 'not a joining in sort of person' what do you mean?

My sister is not a 'joining in sort of person'; hates family board games, charades etc. I certainly don't see that as a reason to exclude her from the family Christmas.

selina25 · 27/10/2015 12:41

Wow! There is no issue with my son giving up his bed - he just doesn't want grandma t stay over xmas as he says ' it's all about her' . He was very close to his grandad and was extremely upset to have been left out of the eulogy whilst a grandson abroad ( who they have never met) was included in glowing terms. This woman has been horrible to me for years but I have sucked it up for the family / this year I just don't want to.
I am not needy greedy nor lazy / she goes to church with her neighbours/ costs are not an issue for her she is very well off.
She has another son and grandson who live abroad . Her sister has made it clear she would be welcome there.
Before my FIL became ill they never visited and didn't celebrate xmas at all

spondulix · 27/10/2015 12:43

Your son says it's "all about her" but he was annoyed about being left out of the eulogy?

Suck it up for one year. If she's not a joiner-inner then she can sit on the sidelines and you can ignore her. You said they have never visited at Christmas, so view this year as a one-off.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 27/10/2015 12:44

So, you want the elderly widow go abroad for Christmas? Because your adult son is moaning about her. She is your husband's mother ffs, suck it up for a day!

Imogenlasting · 27/10/2015 12:46

Who gave the eulogy? It's very rarely the widow.
Also, the neighbours would love to have her for Christmas, her sister would welcome her, her other grandson seems to have a great relationship with her.

Is there other stuff we're not hearing?
Also, you say they never visited when FIL was alive, but yet your son was 'very close' to his granddad??

Axekick · 27/10/2015 12:47

Yeah ok OP .

Of course she is horrible, but you didn't put it in your op.

You don't want her there , don't have her. Can't imagine she will enjoy it anyway when your distain (and your sons) is so clear.

I would go abroad if I was her

Sodder · 27/10/2015 12:53

I hear what you're saying OP but given that this is her first Christmas as a widow, I'd have her for the day and your husband can drive her home on Boxing Day (or drive herself home).

You say she's awful. How awful is awful? What has she done. Is she truly toxic or 'just' unpleasant?

Griphook · 27/10/2015 12:55

You've already made up your mind, just trying to justify it.
Wonder how you will break it to her when the time comes to tell her that she will be spending her first Christmas on her own. Bet you get dh to do it

Toooldtobearsed · 27/10/2015 12:57

And if it was your mum OP, would you feel the same?

I think I have a brilliant relationship with my sons and partners. It would crucify me to be ignored for my first Christmas alone. She may not even want to come, but it would be lovely to be asked.

It is one day out of the rest of your life. Don't be mean.

Axekick · 27/10/2015 12:58

I also think it's fairly normal no mention relations who can't make it to the funeral as opposed the ones stood right there.

Axekick · 27/10/2015 12:59

Fairly normal to

Vixxfacee · 27/10/2015 12:59

Yabu it's 1 day. Where's your Christmas spirit ya grinch

MajesticSeaFlapFlap · 27/10/2015 13:04

It's 1 night. Uniboy goes on the sofa. He's at uni so has slept in worse places.

Allalonenow · 27/10/2015 13:05

Why not book her into a nice hotel nearby, you could all go there for Christmas lunch, then bring her back to your house for the afternoon, take her home the next day.

She would probably enjoy it, and be on her best behaviour in public, and little or no work for you.

i often send my DIL a bank transfer for Christmas but will be rethinking that if it's so awful

selina25 · 27/10/2015 13:06

How much detail do you want? When I had postnatal depression she told me to get a grip and suggested that if I cleaned the windows I would feel better. She told me on my wedding day that it wasn't too late for me to call it off. She told me that if my oh died before her neither me nor her grandson would inherit anything.
She wrote the eulogy . she won't travel abroad and her son abroad doesn't want her to visit anyway. My OH had to find his brother on fb to tell him about their fathers death. She met his son for the first time at the funeral and they have no contact since.
My FIL was lovely and my son went there for some school holidays so they did lots together. . And any disdain comes from her not me , she thinks her son married beneath him.
And it's not 1 night she would have to be picked up and taken home so at least 2 nights as she doesn't drive
My oh doesn't want her here but feels guilty if she has to spend some part of the day on her own

spondulix · 27/10/2015 13:07

So why did you post in aibu?

Chattymummyhere · 27/10/2015 13:12

If the mil was nice and friendly and one of those people who mucks in rather than makes a fuss the op would no doubt welcome her with open arms this mil is the demanding type who doesn't even wait to be invited but invites herself. Nice people are looked after if your not nice you cannot expect the world to come running just because your now alone. Why should the op/dh/ds have their Christmas made bad due to one person? Just because ds is in uni why should he give up his bed? His an adult like the rest of the people in the house who no doubt isn't home that much so op doesn't see to much of him.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread