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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

mil @ xmas

110 replies

selina1925 · 27/10/2015 11:22

I have never got on with my mil, she thinks I am needy greedy and lazy.
Earlier this year she was widowed and I was so supportive helping her find a home for my fil who had Alzheimers, getting finances sorted, then organising funeral, probate etc. I did this because I am a nice person and genuinely wanted to help - but I dont want her to come here for xmas! we dont have a spare bed so either we would have to give up our bed or our home from uni son would have to give up his bed - and she is not a joining in sort of person, criticises how much we spend, what we eat what we drink etc etc. She has never bought us presents but makes a bank transfer xmas week! I can see that it would be very stressful. She only wants to do what she wants to do and when she wants to do it. We would have to pick her up and take her home as travelling by train is too expensive!
My OH is torn between being here with us but wanting to support his mum - he suggests having xmas brunch with us then driving 2 hours to hers for xmas dinner and staying over returning boxing day. i think she should either have us over to stay boxing day (my suggestion) or go to stay with her sister. She has remarkable neighbours who would be delighted to have her spend xmas day with them but she announced that she will be coming to ours...

OP posts:
LetGoOrBeDragged · 27/10/2015 13:13

You don't need MN permission OP. I don't think that beong old or a widow is a get out of jail free card if she has been a horror for the rest of her life.
It's not on for her to inform you she is coming to yours for Christmas. Good manners dictate that she should wait to be asked! All very well posters saying it is your dh's mum, but your dh has a wife too and if his mum cannot be civil to you then it is entirely resonable to not have her in your home at any time, let alone Christmas.

Sodder · 27/10/2015 13:13

I think allalonenow's suggestion is a good one. My parents are batshit on their own but are on best behaviour when they're out for dinner.

Better get booked up now though OP.

Imogenlasting · 27/10/2015 13:14

In what context did she make the comment about inheriting. Was it in the heat of the moment after a row or something?
You say your son sometimes went to her for holidays, so she must have had some affection for him.
Also, why does the son abroad never come to visit or to introduce his son to his grandparents?
Not saying you're not telling the truth, and some MILs can be very very difficult.
But your posts haven't really been very coherent and it's difficult, from the various add ons, to really get a clear picture as to whether yabu or yanbu.

selina25 · 27/10/2015 13:25

And as for tha bank transfer - I am not ungrateful just showing that she has never celebrated Christmas by buying us gifts

selina25 · 27/10/2015 13:32

They are not a close family . The comment about inheriting was made calmly and clearly when we were alone in her kitchen. My son went there because my FIL loved spending time with him and believed that's what grandparents did.
She thinks that she can dictate terms from now on because she is a widow.
I have phoned, visited and been on holiday with her since FIL died.

ShebaShimmyShake · 27/10/2015 13:38

I thought it was pretty standard to dread spending time with relatives at Christmas. Part of the experience.

This is one of those ones where we really would need to hear your MIL's side of things as well before we decide who's 'right'. I'm always wary of anyone who says they do things because they're so nice anyway.

But her first Christmas without her husband is going to be awful and she's elderly. Christmas is the worst time of the year for the bereaved and lonely. You can't suck it up for a day and a half?

You don't have to take criticism of your home (tell her firmly to stop) or kowtow to her the entire time, but perhaps a little Christmas spirit could go a long way in helping an elderly widow who's just lost her husband after he succumbed to dementia. As for beds, I used to sleep on the floor every week so Grandpa could stay a night with us. Your son's at uni, he's slept on floors and couches, trust me.

BarbarianMum · 27/10/2015 13:38

Drip, drip, drip.

Invite her. You don't have to collect her or take her home. You can just leave her to make her own travel arrangements (or refuse your kind invite). If she comes, you do as you always have and she can join in or sit there sucking a lemon. If she moans and whines so much the better - next year you explain that you won't invite her as she didn't enjoy herself much the year before.

And on the 26th when she leaves you open the good wine and the chocolates and your real Christmas starts.

ShebaShimmyShake · 27/10/2015 13:40

Also, older people do often like to give money as a gift. They may feel they don't really know what's in style or good to buy, or find it difficult to get out and look around shops, so they give money and know you'll spend it on something you actually like. My grandparents used to give cheques all the time; no different to a bank transfer. I can't see the issue there.

WorraLiberty · 27/10/2015 13:46

It sounds like the apple hasn't fallen too far from the tree to be honest.

merrygoround51 · 27/10/2015 13:52

Oh FGS its a couple of days, have her over and let it all sail over your head.

Original poster
selina1925 · 27/10/2015 13:53

I thought I might get some guidance from others who maybe have difficult relatives at xmas, I didnt realise my character would be so negatively judged.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 27/10/2015 13:56

It's true that she SOUNDS like a nightmare but honestly, there are two sides to every story and at the moment we know only one. I'm absolutely not accusing the OP of lying, I have no doubt she's telling us things as they appear to have happened, but it's very rare for these sorts of tangles to be completely explained by just one perspective. Caring for someone with dementia is draining and devastating; perhaps she felt she wasn't given enough help at the time?

Suicides go up around Christmas for a reason. She's old, it's the first Christmas as a widow. 36 hours or whatever of your time. If she's a real nightmare you can use it as the excuse not to have her again ("you said you didn't enjoy it" or whatever).

Christmas is like weddings. It never is truly yours and you always end up having to compromise. Everyone hates having to spend time with their annoying relatives. That's why we're encouraged to drink so much.

Imogenlasting · 27/10/2015 13:59

You sound like you genuinely want to be kind, and the kind thing in this situation would be to grit your teeth and invite her to come and stay (and ignore advice about your son being as 'entitled' to a comfy bed as a widowed pensioner).
I know it might not be perfect for you, but how perfect will your Christmas feel when you know your MIL is spending it with the neighbours instead of her own family?

I think it's very hard to have a Christmas that doesn't involve some measure of give and take. That's part of Christmas really, in my opinion.

I find some of the threads on here where posters act as if they and their dh and dcs are some kind of independent island, with no extended family to bother about, regardless of the circumstances of some of some members of that extended family, a bit depressing.

ShebaShimmyShake · 27/10/2015 14:00

Well no OP, you posted in AIBU? And some people think you're not, and some people think you are.

Anyway, you are getting guidance...some people say to tell her to jog on (which you might choose to do) and some people, like me, saying grin and bear it for a day and a night because she's old and she's facing her first Christmas without the husband she lost to dementia and Christmas is usually a bit shit anyway, despite what the adverts tell us. You can tell her to stop it if she starts being rude, and if it's really intolerable you can use her obvious hatred of it as the excuse not to have her back next year.

That's your guidance....the choice is of course yours.

EponasWildDaughter · 27/10/2015 14:01

I can understand you OP, if she's a bad as you say.

However - xmas wouldn't be xmas without having to grit your teeth about at least one relative, and simply 'do the right thing'.

I'd persue the nearby hotel option to ease the sleeping arrangements and also insist offer to go halves on the train fair. Maybe do a pick up but let her do the going back on the train?

On the day develop a thick skin and make it a family thing to find the funny side of coping with any moaning and passive aggressive digs about your arrangements.

Don't let her dictate to you all.

zzzzz · 27/10/2015 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

molyholy · 27/10/2015 14:05

Mega drip feed. Why did you post on AIBU? You obviously don't think you are. People who openly say about themselves 'I'm a nice person', are usually trying to convince themselves of this. How can you have that opinion about yourself? Surely that is for others to judge. You didn't want advice on how to deal with tricky relatives at xmas, you clearly state in your OP 'but I dont want her to come here for xmas!'

I think as it is DH who has lost his dad, you should support his decision, no matter how much it pisses you off, but surely you can cope if you are as nice as you say you are.

It might be a tough couple of days, but just for this one year, you need to have some compassion and pity and to deal with it.

Seriouslyffs · 27/10/2015 14:06

selina I'd imagine most Mumsnetters spend some Christmases with difficult relatives!

Original poster
selina1925 · 27/10/2015 14:08

Barbarian mum - we DO have to do transport no alternative public transport other than a train station an hour away. She rules the train out as being too pricey.
As for caring for someone with dementia she point blank refused any outside help until FIL was sectioned. She would telephone me several times a day and all hours of the night in distress demanding that something needed to be done, then refused all outside help when it came. I spent days researching and taking her to visit care homes and visited FIL frequently.
If I ever challenge her - and its very rarely as I dont like confrontations- her reply is that I have to excuse her as she is "a grieving widow".
She IS a nightmare. And I AM a nice person who has done more than most in supporting her, my OH and our son over the last 12 months

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/10/2015 14:08

This is definitely one of those times where it would be good to hear both sides of the story.

Like why she thinks you're needy, greedy and lazy and why she said you and your son would inherit nothing from her.

It's quite clear that neither you nor your son like her, so I'm not sure why you'd expect her to leave her money to either of you anyway?

I bloody wouldn't.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 27/10/2015 14:10

I thought I might get some guidance from others who maybe have difficult relatives at xmas, I didnt realise my character would be so negatively judged

AIBU was the ideal place then.

Why post here unless you just wanted to be told to ditch your recently widowed Mil at Christmas, as you are such a nice person otherwise?

Your Mil might be awful, she might have a very different side to her story, who knows?

How about thinking of the fact that your DH has lost his beloved dad, and now wants to support his mum? How about doing it for him? God knows I'd want my DH's support in a similar situation, not him huffing about what a cow my mum was and why should our Christmas be ruined by extending an olive branch.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/10/2015 14:13

I'm not judging your character. But I think past events and resentment have clouded your reason and your judgement. Be the bigger person and suck it up, you'll be glad you did in the long run. My BFF's mother was a hyper-critical nightmare. She criticized every move BFF made, her weight, the way she was raising her child, her housekeeping, her cooking. Yet she had her every year for Christmas. I told her I thought she was crazy but she kept saying (through gritted teeth) "I know I'll be glad someday". After her mother died, she said that although there was some relief at knowing all that was 'over', that she was glad in the end that she'd put up with her. She said she didn't know exactly why she was glad, but she was.

You don't have to cater to her. You don't have to transport her just because she thinks trains are expensive. If she decides not to come because of the cost, that's her decision. All you have to do, really, is be the nice person you say you are. You aren't doing it for her, you're doing it for yourself, your DH, and your DC.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/10/2015 14:14

Oh, and I agree with pp, if there are other siblings get them organized with a rota, pronto!

Wtfmummy · 27/10/2015 14:16

Blimey, some folks on here are being a bit harsh!

It sounds like OP has been incredibly supportive to this lady and doesn't deserve the character assassination here.

My view is that just because someone is family doesn't mean you put your feelings to one side. Just because it is Christmas doesn't mean you compromise your family Christmas for someone else. Relationships are a two way street and it sounds like this lady is not very pleasant to or about the OP. I liked the idea of putting her up in a hotel or even driving on Boxing Day to see her - I'd do it in a day too and wouldn't stay over, 2 hours each way isn't too bad.

Hope it works out OP!

BarbarianMum · 27/10/2015 14:19

OP you don't get it. You can invite her on your terms. So without transport (although taking/collecting her from the station would be nice). If she chooses to 'rule out the train' that is her choice. She can hire a taxi, or make other arrangements or not come. Point is, you can invite her without it being her way or nothing. It would only be problematic if you actually wanted her to come - and you don't.