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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let this friendship fade

80 replies

CookieDoughKid · 27/10/2015 01:20

I met a lovely mum last year by chance. She's from China and has a 4 year old ds. My dcs are a little older. We had a few playdates but it dried up. Mainly because of me.

She doesn't drive so hard for her to go to places (and she refuses to take driving lessons) so meeting up anywhere other than our local coffeeshop or our houses is difficult. She has never had a job so she doesn't really understand anything about my career. She doesn't read any books or newspapers and she doesn't seem to know what's going on in the world. She isn't into movies or music like I am. She has no hobbies. Her world is to go Tesco's and do playdates. Plus my dc's find her dc really boring. He just sits quietly and he's really shy- whereas my dc's are like little tornadoes and very physical, that my dc's end up ignoring him.

She's the complete opposite of me and we share no common interests.

I keep bumping into her in town and now she's asked me for a playdate. I think she is lonely. She is a lovely person but I struggle to have a conversation with her for more than a few minutes. Her day to day is the same. I can talk about so much as I've done so much and thus - I end up doing the talking and it's exhausting. We have some mutual friends as we live in a small town - I find them interesting and we have a laugh.

God, I sound so mean. How do I keep this friendship up? I should give this friendship a go shouldn't I?

OP posts:

Fatmomma99 · 27/10/2015 01:43

My first instinct is to say: No, your responsibility is to your children. Next time she asks say something like "I'd love to spend more time getting to know you, but our kids don't really get on, do they"

OR you could take the time to get to really know her - lots of my friends don't have much in common with me, but we do get on. However, as a parent I kind-of go with my first answer, because although I have made friends (for me) since I've been a parent, they have been incidental to the children.

I feel for her feeling lonely, but your kids and her kid(s) shouldn't be bored by one another either.

CheerfulYank · 27/10/2015 02:40

I think I'd probably do a play date every now and then because I can't bear to think of anyone being lonely. Not every time she asks certainly.

ToastedOrFresh · 27/10/2015 02:45

I'm going to get flamed for this, but, why are you dancing to her tune ?

Her world is Tesco and playdates. Why ? Because that's what suits her, that's why.

Would you tolerate this from anyone else ? Basically dictating what will and won't be happening ? Seems you're suffering a bit from the dreaded, 'ought to'.

She doesn't work ? Why ? None of my business if you like, but, you've got no common ground except for what she wants, have you ?

She's from China, ok. Again, none of my business, but why did she want to settle in Britain ? Seems to me she's got no intention of integrating and quite a list of things she doesn't want to (chooses not to) do.

What does she do when not at Tesco or asking for a play date ? I'm tempted to ask how good her vocabulary is. You're not her cultural advisor.

Is she just parked in front of the t.v. at all other non-Tesco times ? What does she do whilst on these play dates ? Is it just the children that come ?

Again, I'm probably going to get flamed but it sounds a bit like she's using you as part of the cultural immersion (for her child at least) into British life whilst not giving anything back. How fluent is her child's English ? Could the child speak English before they arrived here ?

Do they speak their mother tongue at home ? I'm guessing they do. Sorry, but she sounds selfish to me.

Also, could you not just ask her to ask someone else and simply say, 'my kids are older than yours, they don't have much in common.' Or words to that effect.

Are these play dates always requested by her ? Basically, how much of it is child led by her kid ? Does the child not ask to see or play with any other friend or child ? Sounds like the child is overwhelmed by it all being so foreign. As well as having a mother who obviously wants very little to do with the outside world, except what benefits her.

Also, these play dates, must they be hosted by you ? Do you ever get invited by her ? Does she ever host either at home or elsewhere ? She wants her child to play with yours to improve their English and British social skills and it seems to me the child is really struggling.

Does, 'can we have a play date ?' sound more like, 'can I offload my child onto you for a while you feed and/or entertain them ?'

Put your foot down, don't be taken for a mug.

Marshy · 27/10/2015 03:10

Toasted your post is so unpleasant and mean spirited that it's quite breathtaking. Thank goodness it was the op and not you that this woman bumped in to

Op you can't force a friendship that isn't really there but she does sound isolated and in need of a friend. Is it not worth persevering with a bit longer?

PatrickPolarBear · 27/10/2015 03:46

Yikes! Take it easy there, Toasted. Your xenophobia is showing...

I wouldn't have pity play dates with this woman, OP, if your kids really aren't interested in playing with hers. Equally I wouldn't confront her outright either and say 'our kids don't get on'.

Just be busy anytime she asks for a play date. Maybe say something like 'I've got a lot on right now, you know how it is! I'll check my calendar and let you know'. Let her down gently basically. She sounds like she is a bit socially anxious and maybe intimidated by being in a different culture so definitely no need to be harsh.

winkywinkola · 27/10/2015 03:53

Wow Toasted. What a rant. If the woman wasn't Chinese, would you have been so vociferous?

Op, this happens a lot. I know what you mean by how exhausting it is trying to make conversation with someone when you have nothing in common. It's draining.

I do feel sorry for her ds though. Perhaps he's got not much going on for him.

Would you consider inviting him round to play? Without his mum. Perhaps he would open up a bit?

Moopsboopsmum · 27/10/2015 06:52

Hey Toasted have a !

OfficeGirl1969 · 27/10/2015 06:55

I think you've tried to do what you can with the get togethers, but if it really isn't working I don't think there's any shame in letting it slip now. If you and your kids don't have enough in common with her and her little one, to sustain the friendship, then it's just not going to work, and you'll only end up resenting any further time you spend with her.
It might be with making one last push to encourage her into something fun/new that your and your kids enjoy, in the hope that maybe she'll make some other new friends, but don't feel you have to be responsible for her if it's just not happening. I think as long as you're polite and not unkind to get then you've done all you can....

((Studiously avoids commenting on Toasted's post......... ))

Lweji · 27/10/2015 07:01

I agree that you shouldn't force yourself to activities you don't want.
If she invites for playdates, I'd mention some activity you can all go on and see if she wants to join, rather than being at home. This way you don't drop her, and you don't have to put up with a relationship that is giving you nothing nor your children. And if she joins in and finds other interests all the better.

Devilishpyjamas · 27/10/2015 07:07

Say you can't manage a playdate (too busy) but invite her along when a group of you meet up somewhere that's easy to get to?

She sounds very shy.

AZombieNinjaChewedUpBankWadger · 27/10/2015 07:07

Get tae fuck Toasted.
Play dates and Tesco? Sounds a lot like my first year as a parent in the UK because I legally wasn't allowed to work, not because I didn't want to integrate.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 27/10/2015 07:18

My life is so chaotic and busy I barely have time to have friends let alone spend time with ones I've nothing in common with. When I see friends I love to bits it's a real treat. No way would I be meeting up with someone I've nothing to talk about with.

ToastedOrFresh · 27/10/2015 07:21

No xenophobia from me, thanks anyway.

BTW, AZ, please follow your own advice.

IjustGotmy2016diary · 27/10/2015 07:21

Could you invite another friend round at the same time so your kids have someone to be with and you have someone to talk too?

Footle · 27/10/2015 07:24

The friendly thing , as someone else said, would be to introduce her to a couple of other mothers with kids the same age as hers. Make sure she knows about playgrounds , soft play, any other meeting places. Despite the Toasteds of this world , you can do a bit of enabling , just because you're at home here and she isn't. You don't have to be best friends if you don't feel like it.

Devilishpyjamas · 27/10/2015 07:24

I don't think you can really post what you did then say no xenophobia toasted.

Pancakeflipper · 27/10/2015 07:25

Why not meet up with some of the mutual friends then the 'entertaining' her aspect is diluted.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 27/10/2015 07:25

That was quite a rant in the early hours toasted .

It's difficult to say no and I feel for her ds, bless him.

An occasional get together for an hour or so ( as you're already doing) would be my solution, could you introduce her to other mums perhaps?

HoobleDooble · 27/10/2015 07:29

I agree with Devilish, why not try meeting up at your house, or a soft play centre, and inviting a couple of other mums and kids along? Maybe she's just more of a listener than a talker, and would enjoy the buzz of conversation between you and your friends, which would be a bit less like pulling teeth for you. She might even come out of herself a bit if it's not just one to one.

TwoInTheMourning · 27/10/2015 07:29

ToastedOrFresh your reply is outrageously nasty, useless, unfair, xenophobic and unpleasant.

OP, it sounds like this woman doesn't have a lot of get up and go and perhaps lives her live through her DC at the moment. Perhaps she is very young, didn't do much pre-children and now is struggling to work out what to do with herself.

For the sake of kindness and community spirit, I would meet with her and her DC once in a while (like, twice a year tops), perhaps also inviting another mum and their DC so that this lady and her DC can meet others. You say that you have some friends in common, so you really don't want an awkward situation to develop.

But sometimes there just isn't anything you can do and life's too short to waste it with people whose company you do not enjoy. I have been there, trying to spend an afternoon with someone who barely says anything, so I end up talking too much and revealing way too much because I can't bear the silence!

Seriouslyffs · 27/10/2015 07:31

What stuff can you do with her? How old are the DCs? I'd ask if you could go round her house and be taught how to cook Chinese! All the Chinese people I know love cooking and eating and I've had several lessons with friends!

MrsMolesworth · 27/10/2015 07:35

I wouldn't cut her off. That would be cruel. But dilute the experience by offering to do something with her that the DC would all enjoy: go swimming together or bowling or to the cinema. invite a couple of other families - one with DC her age and one with DC your age ranges. It would be fair to say playdates don't work out much now your DC are different ages, but how about xyz instead?

It wouldn't take much on your part and would be so welcome. My sis lived abroad when her DS was tiny and she absolutely relied on her one local friend. You'd be surprised how many people are xenophobic and just can't be bothered to even talk to someone with an accent.

If she doesn't want to do the activities you suggest then she's not as lonely as she seems and you can ease away from her.

Roussette · 27/10/2015 07:36

Gosh, Toasted, show a bit of empathy for gods sake.

I would not do one-to-one's but maybe do the occasional get together with other mums you know and maybe there might be a Mum out there who is shy and would hit it off with this woman and her DS. I hate the thought of someone being lonely and I would suggest stuff to her but I wouldn't make it my responsibility because you are very different to her and in the long run it will be harder to pull away, if you carry on.

ShamelessBreadAddict · 27/10/2015 07:37

Hmmm I'm kind of on the fence with this one. I hate the thought of anyone being lonely but at the same time you can't force a friendship that isn't there. I guess would probably do the odd play date but not all the time unless it is convenient and enjoyable for you and your DC. You never know you might have more in common than you think of you get to know her better.

Savagebeauty · 27/10/2015 07:40

Invite her to group things. Let her meet other people
Don't get sucked into a "duty" play date.

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