To let this friendship fade

[CookieDoughKid]

I met a lovely mum last year by chance. She's from China and has a 4 year old ds. My dcs are a little older. We had a few playdates but it dried up. Mainly because of me.

She doesn't drive so hard for her to go to places (and she refuses to take driving lessons) so meeting up anywhere other than our local coffeeshop or our houses is difficult. She has never had a job so she doesn't really understand anything about my career. She doesn't read any books or newspapers and she doesn't seem to know what's going on in the world. She isn't into movies or music like I am. She has no hobbies. Her world is to go Tesco's and do playdates. Plus my dc's find her dc really boring. He just sits quietly and he's really shy- whereas my dc's are like little tornadoes and very physical, that my dc's end up ignoring him.

She's the complete opposite of me and we share no common interests.

I keep bumping into her in town and now she's asked me for a playdate. I think she is lonely. She is a lovely person but I struggle to have a conversation with her for more than a few minutes. Her day to day is the same. I can talk about so much as I've done so much and thus - I end up doing the talking and it's exhausting. We have some mutual friends as we live in a small town - I find them interesting and we have a laugh.

God, I sound so mean. How do I keep this friendship up? I should give this friendship a go shouldn't I?

...and sorry but she sounds incredibly boring and unwilling to make any effort to meet you in the middle.

If you don't get on, you don't get on. No need to criticize her. We all like doing different things - why slag her off in such patronising way? Just meet occasionally if you bump into her but otherwise leave it.

Dim Sum would be good! But too long a duration IMO. I do think it's hard for immigrants to see our British way of life. I think culturally, we are far more outgoing and liberal than we realise. I was an immigrant many many moons ago myself so I completely understand her position. I think for some - just going out and sitting in a coffee shop is all one can cope with. Maybe it's a kind of depression. Maybe it's just the way she is and her joys in life are the very small mundane things. I think she was very poor back in China. But life is what you make of it and it would be tragic if you didn't at least try enjoying the riches of our civilisation!

No xenophobia from me thanks anyway

What does that even mean?? Your post display real hostility to the OP's acquaintance purely because she is a foreigner / Chinese living in Britain. That is the definition of xenophobia.

Fair enough, stick to coffee!

I think it's easy to forget just how different parts of China are (I'm of mixed Chinese heritage) and the term "Chinese" covers a massive culturally mixed country, with many different ethnic groups...

I wonder if Toasteds reply contained the most questions of any reply in the history of mumsnet?

Lets be fair now maybe she just likes coffee and not any of the activities you invited her to. Does not mean she is boring. I too spend a lot of time hanging around coffee shops.

I have a mum who keeps inviting me to active/ sporty things and I'm just not interested. I do like to go to the gym but by myself and she seems the really pushy/ sporty/ competitive type so I refuse any invites of that nature. She might think I'm boring because I don't want to go clubbing just bores me. I do love to go out an eat though and she doesn't because she is into being sporty and not eating. LOL I say all this to say we are all different. Funny enough I do love Bicester village but I can't stand shopping with others as I'm in and out of shops without trying stuff on, and hate hanging around waiting outside changing rooms.

Is it me or is there a bit of weird cultural stereotyping going on here? OP, I appreciate Ai Wei Wei is a very interesting and important artist, but how about asking her if she fancies seeing some non-Chinese art?

Also the comments about going for dim sum or asking her if she plays board games... all seems a bit 'What do Chinese people like to do?'

Anyway, maybe as others have said she just likes having coffee in a familiar place.

If it's going to be an awkward and dull 'friendship' for you and you really feel that you've exhausted all possibilities, then perhaps letting it slide is tee best thing.

Also the comments about going for dim sum or asking her if she plays board games... all seems a bit 'What do Chinese people like to do?'

Well I consider myself Chinese and that's generally where I would meet up with my Chinese friends. Beats the fuck out of Tescos.

Why do you think she's 'lovely'?

Nothing you have posted backs up that thought.

You and your children havae nothing in common with her or her children. Do you worry about other families you have nothing in common with?

I think I would continue with things like "we are going to the cinema to see X, do join us if you would like", we are going to be in the park this pm at 3, do join us if you would like" etc. But don't do the play date thing as your children aren't especially compatible and struggling for conversation is excruciating!

It does sound like you have tried hard to generate things for you all to do and possibly find something she is interested in but it seems like sometimes, people are just too different. I think that it would be OK to let this friendship slide now. I mean, you can lead a horse to water and all that.....

I say she is lovely because she seems kind and quiet albeit incredibly boring (to me).But agree, we are so different. I feel like I need my soul fed by going to Theatre and the arts. I play the piano, I work part time and constantly i'm reading or doing something. I'm a doer. God that does sound like a stealth boast but I'm just saying that's what makes me happy. I felt really guilty that I needed to try and be on her wavelength for a bit. To see if we could kindle a friendship. My world isnt completely centred on my kids. Hers is. I think I will let this friendship slide naturally as we are so different . She seems depressed not getting our but she has to want for herself first IMO. I just feel sorry for her when I see her outside Tescos each time but that's my projection - not hers!!

How often is she at Tesco?!

Its a good idea to let it slide, life is too short for people who you have nothing in common with, you don't owe her anything. Kids can change you sometimes, I used to be quite interesting, have different hobbies, and a go getter, and have an Msc in Health Psychology, but they sucked the lifeblood out of me, I practically have no energy. I have an 8 year old dd with ASD and learning difficulties, and a really boisterous 3 year old, so by the evening, all I want to do is sleep and not read or pursue any hobbies at the moment. My life does revolve around the kids and getting shopping, so mabey to some, I am a bore.

Aeroflot I'm sure you're not a bore!! The fact you are on here with something to say is interesting to me.

I too am feeling the need to stick up for the other mum a bit.

Playing devil's advocate here but I'd kind of love another thread to pop up - 'should I keep inviting my friend's tornado children over even though they ignore my child?'

OP she is different to you, not inferior. Despite everything you're saying to the contrary, this is what's coming across.

Exactly this ^ ^

Thanks cookie, pre kids I used to cycle, kickbox, choir, read and love theatre, cinema, but now I hardly get to do those things , and at the moment it revolves around my kids interests, and getting that sodding potty training happening with a reluctant ds, how has my life been reduced to this .

Yes my ds 3 is a blooming tornado, and then some, blooming exploring and creating mess everywhere. DD does her own thing, and loves arts and crafts. Her social life is better than mine, with Brownies, tap, ballet, and first communion classes.

Yes different horses for different courses, and she might meet others who like the same thing, and same to you.

Oh that's even better