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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let this friendship fade

80 replies

CookieDoughKid · 27/10/2015 01:20

I met a lovely mum last year by chance. She's from China and has a 4 year old ds. My dcs are a little older. We had a few playdates but it dried up. Mainly because of me.

She doesn't drive so hard for her to go to places (and she refuses to take driving lessons) so meeting up anywhere other than our local coffeeshop or our houses is difficult. She has never had a job so she doesn't really understand anything about my career. She doesn't read any books or newspapers and she doesn't seem to know what's going on in the world. She isn't into movies or music like I am. She has no hobbies. Her world is to go Tesco's and do playdates. Plus my dc's find her dc really boring. He just sits quietly and he's really shy- whereas my dc's are like little tornadoes and very physical, that my dc's end up ignoring him.

She's the complete opposite of me and we share no common interests.

I keep bumping into her in town and now she's asked me for a playdate. I think she is lonely. She is a lovely person but I struggle to have a conversation with her for more than a few minutes. Her day to day is the same. I can talk about so much as I've done so much and thus - I end up doing the talking and it's exhausting. We have some mutual friends as we live in a small town - I find them interesting and we have a laugh.

God, I sound so mean. How do I keep this friendship up? I should give this friendship a go shouldn't I?

OP posts:
EponasWildDaughter · 27/10/2015 07:42

A lot of assumptions going on here! Not least that the mum is inviting OP to play dates through some kind of desperation.

The OP didn't say the woman is lonely Confused There's nothing to suggest this lady isn't perfectly happy with her life at the moment before her boy starts school; she has other friends than the OP - OP said so herself.

If you don't get on with her OP, just make polite excuses until the invites dry up (as you would with any one else) - no need to make this into some kind of failed rescue mission just because her lifestyle is different to yours.

GruntledOne · 27/10/2015 07:43

Is there anything like evening or exercise classes that you could interest her in? It would widen her horizons and might mean she widens her circle of friends anyway.

Ragwort · 27/10/2015 07:44

I think we are guilty of feeling we have to be friends with someone, particularly if they come from a different culture and it is natural, and kind, to want to be friendly.

I moved to the town I live in now about five years and met someone like this (from this country, also recently moved to the same town) - I did meet her for coffee a few times but it was clear we had nothing in common, everytime I suggested something different - ie: getting involved in the local community she clearly wasn't interested - she just seemed to want to sit and drink coffee and chat to me (about nothing much) - it was a real drain and I felt overwhelmed by her neediness. I did drop her in the end, I felt mean but you can't be responsible for other people all of the time. I bumped into her a few weeks ago and nothing has changed - I've got involved in loads of things, found a part time job, made a wide circle of friends, joined lots of organisations etc etc and she has done nothing. Sad.

I suppose the kindest thing is to introduce this lady to a wider circle, take her to 'events', playgroup, toddler morning at church - that sort of thing?

Wishful80smontage · 27/10/2015 07:46

I think it would be good to organise bigger play dates with a few of you- seeing as you have mutual friends. Or like others have said meet up in a different environment altogether again with other friends.
That's what I would do personally.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 27/10/2015 07:48

Eponas in the OP, cookie does say that she thinks the woman is lonely.

EponasWildDaughter · 27/10/2015 08:07

i see that. I stand corrected.

I think i just feel that so much comparison of OPs own life with the other other mum's life is leading to automatically assume the other mum is shitty and she must be lonely. 'I'm doing x y z, i've got so much to talk about i get exhausted, my kids are ''tornadoes'', etc - SHE just sits quietly and goes to Tescos and her son is 'shy'.

I'm probably wrong. It might just be the first few posts which make me feel like sticking up for the other mum :)

EponasWildDaughter · 27/10/2015 08:08

Not ''the other mum is shitty'' Hmm The other mum's LIFE is shitty.

WhatamessIgotinto · 27/10/2015 08:09

Wow Toasted you must have loads of friends with that attitude.

OP I have a friend who is different to me in every way and can be quite difficult to talk to as she's so shy, as is her DD. We meet around once a month and I make sure that another friend is there too to help the conversation flow. She is very shy, very quiet and very lonely. She's also a really lovely woman and I don't see what's so wrong in offering a bit of friendship to someone.

funnyperson · 27/10/2015 08:21

I sometimes find it quite exhausting when friends tell me all about the things they have done. Seems like a constant round of theatre music parties outings holidays I wonder if they have time just to be themselves. Sometimes I don't get a word in edgeways to mention I have also seen plays and been to concerts.
That said I found being a mum and making friends with other mums, with whom I had little in common, just because they had children the same age as mine, one of the most challenging things I have ever had to do. I must admit to heaving a great sigh of relief when the DC left school.

itsmine · 27/10/2015 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JoySzasz · 27/10/2015 08:48

I think it'd be okay to let it drift. However, l'd first try the option pointed out (earlier) that you could try introducing another friend to meet/come along.
I was in a similar situation earlier in the year. Luckily the other Mum faded away of her own doing...

Bakeoffcake · 27/10/2015 08:53

I'd invite her round when others are round to. So you aren't the only two there trying to make conversation.

I moved to a new area when my DDs were young. I was incredibly lonely and only one person responded to my invites for play dates etc. most others were incredibly rude- being ignored at toddler groups, coffee mornings etc. at one coffee morning I was told to sit with the nannys in another room, I've still no idea why the nanny's were in a separate room! The woman who before fed me was incredibly kind. We had absolutely nothing in common, she was incredibly wealthy and I wasn't, but I'll always be thankful to her.

Over the years I've made sure that I always welcomed newcomers whether in the school playground or hobbies etc. If you're shy it's awful to be knocked back when you've made a huge effort to be sociable.

Outcomesthebunnyofdeath · 27/10/2015 09:05

Can you meet up as a group with the mutual friends if you find them easier to chat to?

When you are shy sometimes it is nice to be able to sit back and just listen to a group conversation rather than trying to keep thinking of something to say yourself. Eventually she will feel comfortable enough to relax and join in.

BondJayneBond · 27/10/2015 09:13

I'd be reluctant to meet up for a one on one playmate if I didn't enjoy socializing with the other mum and my kids didn't enjoy playing with the other kids.

The suggestions about organising meet-ups with mutual friends there as well, or inviting her along to playgroups / toddler groups, events, even just meeting up in the local park so the kids can play on the slides while you chat, sound better. I'd give those a try before letting the friendship fade away.

amarmai · 27/10/2015 09:28

ask her what she does for fun-i'm thinking card or board games maybe. When you go to her house ask her if she can teach you a game she enjoys - she'll have the kit at her house.

OnlyLovers · 27/10/2015 09:45

You say she 'doesn't read any books or newspapers' and 'isn't into movies or music'. Have you tried talking to her about something you've read? Lending her a book? Suggesting a book group?

Or have you suggested a cinema trip, either with or without kids?

Maybe she would respond to suggestions and would welcome being 'taken out' somewhere, or having a film or book or whatever recommended to her.

Apologies of course if you've been down this route already.

Damselindestress · 27/10/2015 11:03

As you have mutual friends can't you meet up in a group so you aren't bored trying to make stilted small talk one on one? I feel for you because it can be awkward to force friendships where there's no common ground but at the same time might be unfair to cut her off completely since she's clearly lonely, look for compromise.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/10/2015 11:22

I would let this friendship slide. If you have nothing in common, and play dates are a chore, next time you bump into her and she asks, just say your a bit busy at the moment and leave it at that!

Dinosaurporn · 27/10/2015 12:23

Awwww, poor Toasted. Goes to live in a foreign country where she finds it hard to make friends and struggles to find a job because of the "Asian Invasion".

Oh the irony.

stoppingbywoods · 27/10/2015 12:54

What an absolutely horrible person you are toasted.

I would second the advice to occasionally meet up, with other friends if you can. Perhaps let her know when you'll be at the park.

whois · 27/10/2015 13:11

I would invite her to things when you do a wider get-together but not 1-on-1 events.

If you don;t have anything in common, and your children don't get on, what is the point?

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 27/10/2015 20:00

Onlylovers I tried a few times. I go running twice a week and working on 5Ks and I thought as she doesn't drive, perhaps we could run about the park. No.

I am interested in art especially if it tells a story and Ai WeiWei (the political Chinese artist) was exhibiting at Bleinheim Palace last year, I invited her and her ds to go. I too am of Asian ethnicity and I thought this would be a great bridge. No.

Near us, a Diamond Research Facility where working scientists are giving a talk and a tour nchildren invited too. An amazing opportunity to see this Innovation Center right on our doorstep. No.

Shopping in Bicester Village? No. She wears no makeup and is the least trendiest person I know. My hubby thought she was about 50 years old but she's actually just 33. She's been in the UK 5 years. She's from a VERY rural mountainous area in China so I don't think they are that bothered about fashion?

She speaks good English but is very insular. All the above she declined and I really don't know why. She just wants to go for coffee at Costa. Maybe it's all too overwhelming for her. Maybe she has ishoos. I'm hear to listen and be a sympathetic ear but I would come to a natural pause in our conversation and there would be a looooong silence and it just gets awkward (for me).

Not all Chinese is like that btw - on the other end of the scale I have a Chinese friend (a Scientist with many letters after her name) from China who is an active town councillor and knows everyone and does alot of good work and is about gregarious as they get after a glass of wine or two.

I think I will be polite and go for a quick 15minute coffee anyway. I can keep it short and it would be kindly. I just don't think a group playdate will happen as our mutual friends aren't that organised. (I'm the one that usually does group playdates!). Thanks for the input all!

OP posts:
HPsauciness · 27/10/2015 20:35

I think that friendship is one area which you should be genuine in, I wouldn't hang out with people who you just don't want to be friends with, if only because you go again, they ask again and it will just go on and on.

You have put a lot of very identifying information about this woman on this thread, really, if the person was on here, they would immediately recognize themselves.

Dinosaurporn · 27/10/2015 20:46

I think you are being very gracious OP. The only other thing I would consider is maybe going for dim sum.

She does sound very dull Chinese or otherwise !

laffymeal · 27/10/2015 21:04

Sounds like you've tried very hard to stimulate her interest and expand her life a bit, all your efforts seem to be a waste of time. I'd just quietly drop it, you owe her nothing op.

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