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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest money instead of gifts for PFB?

99 replies

MsShopper · 26/10/2015 22:31

(First ever post, so be kind!)

I'm expecting my and DH's much longed-for first child. So far, we seem to be very like-minded in terms of our approach to becoming parents, at least in theory! Just wondering what people think about this...

So for context... Both his and my families are lovely and generous people, which is wonderful. But we think they really go overboard when it comes to children's birthdays and Christmas - my nieces and nephews get literally huge mounds of presents from parents and grandparents especially. Half the living room gets covered in gifts. Things like motorised cars for a 2-year-old, top-of-range iPad for a 3-year-old, not to mention skiploads of branded plastic dolls / action figures etc... (Not massively relevant and also none of my business I know, but many times this has been funded by credit cards, which I think is madness.)

We both feel it's excessive, but now that we're due our own child it's coming into sharper focus. We want our child to appreciate and cherish the toys and books etc they have over the years, and not (as we've observed with our nieces and nephews) just bounce mindlessly from one toy to another until most are broken or forgotten while they go back to their old favourite.

So... when the time comes, I have been toying with the idea of suggesting an upper limit on gifts, and if they do want to spend more to suggest that they could make a deposit in our child's junior ISA (which we plan on opening and paying into each month ourselves). The money would be available when they turn 18, with the hope they could use it to, eg, put towards university fees or driving lessons, or similar - a helpful leg-up to start their adult life.

So AIBU to suggest cash instead of an extravagant gift? AIB unrealistic to think that grandparents won't ignore us and buy the damn iPad anyway? Hmm

Would be good to hear views from anyone like-minded or otherwise before we broach the subject with the families. Thanks!

OP posts:
WheresMyBurrito · 26/10/2015 22:39

I personally think it's a really good idea and tbh I'd like to ask for money for my DD (it's her first Christmas this year).

I know a lot of people are funny about giving cash though (and you'll get posters on here accusing you of being grabby probably). In all honesty I think all you can do is firmly suggest an upper limit (as we've had to do already with one family member). It is so difficult because it comes from a good and generous place but at the same time you don't want a house full of stuff that'll never be fully appreciated...

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 26/10/2015 22:42

Our grandparents give money for shoes at birthday and Christmas

tldr · 26/10/2015 22:43

We tried urging restraint though we didn't suggest money instead.

What happened was my parents did as they were told, whilst my ILs did as they bloody well wanted. Consequently ILs look very generous and my parents look quite tight. I don't know if the DC have noticed yet, but they will.

It's worth a shot before you're buried under a sea of tat, but be ready to fail...

fredfredgeorgejnrsnr · 26/10/2015 22:45

Why not just say "no / simple" gifts, rather than "please give cash!"

TheHouseOnTheLane · 26/10/2015 22:46

I don't like the idea of policing other people's spending choices...so suggesting "an upper limit" is as bad as suggesting a lower limit!

As for asking for money. No. Bad taste.

Only1scoop · 26/10/2015 22:50

Rude to ask for money IMO

Just steer them toward the books and smaller more conservative gifts you would prefer your DC to receive

WheresMyBurrito · 26/10/2015 22:50

TheHouse see you say that, but what of a situation where one party wants to spend £100 on the other party's child, but other party cannot afford/doesn't want to reciprocate that amount? Is it not best to agree an amount that everyone can be comfortable with?

WheresMyBurrito · 26/10/2015 22:51

(I give that as an example because that's a situation we've found ourselves in this year. Not just plucked it out of the air!)

MuttsNutts · 26/10/2015 22:52

It is plain rude to ask for cash and insult others' choice of gifts.

You don't get to control how people choose to spend their money but if you want to offend well meaning friends and family, go right ahead.

That is your prerogative.

AnnaMarlowe · 26/10/2015 22:53

We have tried to curb presents with only limited success.

Like tldr one set (mostly) sticks to the rules meanwhile the other set does what they want.

It's very hard because the GPs enjoy buying them things but don't seem to be able to bring any sense of proportion to it.

We have suggested paying for lessons/subscriptions etc instead
of presents but again that has only worked with one set.

Good luck though.

Original poster
MsShopper · 26/10/2015 22:55

We're not normally the ask-for-cash types. (I shudder at those naff give-us-money poems you sometimes get in wedding invites - though each to their own!)

I'm just expecting the grandparents in particular will probably be confused and maybe annoyed / hurt that we're asking for restraint, when they just want to treat the little one. Hence my thought about 'shifting' that gift to when they're older and it can, collectively, really make a difference.

I also pondered about having a keepsake box so they can leave a little note to accompany each of those gifts for when the little tyke turns 18 and can appreciate their generosity over the years, but that's probably naff too.

Hmm... Need to think about this!

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 26/10/2015 22:56

I would happily oblige.

having two kids and a ton of stuff i have no room.for I really much prefer to be given money or vouchers or of course nothing if people can't afford stuff as how much someone spends isn't important.

however people do like to get offended and would rather bury your family under toys than give money Hmm

brokenhearted55a · 26/10/2015 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brokenhearted55a · 26/10/2015 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MsShopper · 26/10/2015 22:58

Anna - I really like the idea of suggesting lessons, subscriptions etc. Even if it only half-works!

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 26/10/2015 22:59

Sorry didn't realise DC isn't born yet.

Blimey

Original poster
MsShopper · 26/10/2015 23:01

brokenhearted - I have thought of lots of things in both the years we tried for this baby and the past several months of pregnancy. Mumsnet has been a brilliant source of guidance and info. It's just a topic I hadn't yet seen crop up in a thread and so I wondered what others thought...

OP posts:
Tiggeryoubastard · 26/10/2015 23:06

A lot of the pleasure of being a grandparent/relly is buying the child gifts. Asking for money from these people (ok if they ask you or offer) is crass, vulgar and selfish. Ffs you've not even had the child yet. How grasping can you get?

Littleallovertheshop · 26/10/2015 23:07

Im not into asking for money, however I think this is very different to asking for money at a wedding etc. This isn't money to use now, it's going away for the future which I think is a great idea. When I turned 16 I was allowed to spend the money put into an account for me when I was a child plus the interest. It was nice to know it was from my grandmother and that it had been there, waiting for me. If done every year a car or fees would not be out of reach which is very sensible.

ceeveebee · 26/10/2015 23:11

I never question whatever gifts our relatives are kind enough to buy for our DCs. If they are really big I suggest leaving them at recipients house to play with when they visit. I also hold a lot of presents back and spread over the year. I think it's a bit rude to suggest cash.

Katarzyna79 · 26/10/2015 23:13

ill have the gifts child number had a few, but the others nothing maybe 1 or 2 gifts.

honestly I wouldn't care if my best friend or family members didnt gift my baby something I would care if they didn't pop down to see the baby and were within easy reach. if at a distance id expect a call, gifts are a bonus for the child but not necessary

I usually get clothing and its often for use 1 year later lol so id rather no gifts just a visit please bring a dish of homecooked food that would save me cooking get to put my feet up ;)

I wouldn't ask about the money unless they bought up a query about what to buy. if you get cluttered with lots of unwanted gifts sell them, then put it into the childs account?

Original poster
MsShopper · 26/10/2015 23:13

Thanks Little. To be honest - until some of the reactions here - I was thinking the idea was, at worst, being too sensible. I didn't want to take the fun out of grandparents treating their DGC. Confused

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 26/10/2015 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NuffSaidSam · 26/10/2015 23:16

I think setting an upper limit and then asking for cash beyond that will be too complicated tbh.

I think you could say no presents, only cash, but that looks grabby/ungrateful and they're likely to just ignore you.

You could specify what your child needs, instead of endless toys they could get shoes/clothes/bedding/lessons/annual pass to local attractions etc. Depending on they type of people they are, you may end up getting all of that plus loads of toys.

Your best bet it to explain that you don't want loads of presents, but expect them to largely ignore you. Say thank you for the mountains of presents. Don't give them all on the same day, eek them out. Being able to get a brand new toy out on a rainy February afternoon can be wonderful. Then remove any excess books/toys that your DC don't use and ebay/sell it. Put the money in a savings account for DC.

Being ungrateful and not looking after what they have doesn't necessarily come from having lots though, it's more about attitude and values. You can teach them to appreciate what they have even with overly generous relatives.

Katarzyna79 · 26/10/2015 23:19

I usually gift babies money its something my elders do in our family. So when my cousins had kids I met the child and put the money in the childs grip because the parents usually refuse it, and say oh look this baby has come into some money crawling on the floor?

it may not be as thoughtful but its easy lol