To suggest money instead of gifts for PFB?

[MsShopper]

(First ever post, so be kind!)

I'm expecting my and DH's much longed-for first child. So far, we seem to be very like-minded in terms of our approach to becoming parents, at least in theory! Just wondering what people think about this...

So for context... Both his and my families are lovely and generous people, which is wonderful. But we think they really go overboard when it comes to children's birthdays and Christmas - my nieces and nephews get literally huge mounds of presents from parents and grandparents especially. Half the living room gets covered in gifts. Things like motorised cars for a 2-year-old, top-of-range iPad for a 3-year-old, not to mention skiploads of branded plastic dolls / action figures etc... (Not massively relevant and also none of my business I know, but many times this has been funded by credit cards, which I think is madness.)

We both feel it's excessive, but now that we're due our own child it's coming into sharper focus. We want our child to appreciate and cherish the toys and books etc they have over the years, and not (as we've observed with our nieces and nephews) just bounce mindlessly from one toy to another until most are broken or forgotten while they go back to their old favourite.

So... when the time comes, I have been toying with the idea of suggesting an upper limit on gifts, and if they do want to spend more to suggest that they could make a deposit in our child's junior ISA (which we plan on opening and paying into each month ourselves). The money would be available when they turn 18, with the hope they could use it to, eg, put towards university fees or driving lessons, or similar - a helpful leg-up to start their adult life.

So AIBU to suggest cash instead of an extravagant gift? AIB unrealistic to think that grandparents won't ignore us and buy the damn iPad anyway?

Would be good to hear views from anyone like-minded or otherwise before we broach the subject with the families. Thanks!

Of course you get to control the gifts the GP's give your children, you can simply stop letting the GP's see the children if they don't listen to your reasonable requests to not waste money on tat.

Giving it away is a horrible waste - yes charities and hospitals would welcome gifts, they'd welcome the money that was wasted even more so they could purchase exactly what was needed and without the VAT and profit being lost on the purchase.

Preventing inappropriate (due to size, number, whatever) presents to your children is very sane, and not at all unreasonable. Preventing all gifts would not be nice, but that has not been suggested. Encouraging regular small and surprise gifts is also likely better than an overload at special occasions.

you can simply stop letting the GP's see the children if they don't listen to your reasonable requests to not waste money on tat.

Because that would be a rational thing to do.

"you can simply stop letting the GP's see the children if they don't listen to your reasonable requests to not waste money on tat." [Quote]

Are you serious . People should deny grandparents access to their grandchildren because they spend too much money on presents for them?
I've really heard it all.

Squoosh summed it up well for me. Mercenary and joyless.

And as for "Of course you get to control the gifts the GP's give your children, you can simply stop letting the GP's see the children if they don't listen to your reasonable requests to not waste money on tat"

Bwah ha ha. Yes, the bastards, go NC immediately with the selfish mean fuckers who buy your DC presents. I mean, really?!

YABVU & very idealistic I think. Your house will soon be full of plastic tat & children love it!! What are you going to do when they get given party bags when they're a bit older??? Ask for money then too??

it might be 'practical' 'realistic' 'sensible' and all the rest of it, but essentially your request will just sound rude and grabby.

" you can simply stop letting the GP's see the children if they don't listen to your reasonable requests to not waste money on tat. "

Jesus Christ do people actually think like that?
oh yes I should have blown out my father and stepmother when they bought DD a nasty expensive Barbie kitchen , of course!! silly me!

I think the idea of grandparents buying a small/required/desired gift and if there's surplus cash they wanted to spend putting a little bit into an ISA is a good idea. But impossible to ask for really.

An example of typical exuberant grandparent present, from one side here. DS would have been about 6, (nearly 9 now) and was bought a Hornby train set (£250). Few issues with the lovely present that DS was so pleased to open;
It's a massive 2mt round.
It's not really a toy so supervision required when little (two full time working parents and hobbies for all on weekends leaves little spare time).
It doesn't take to be put and and taken down well. But no where to store the massive thing if nailed to a bored like it should be.
As they never asked we couldn't advise. Subsequently it has probably been played with a handful of times. We are so lucky he's always been an understanding kid. Also please don't put me down as ungreatful. I felt sorry for DS who was given an inappropriate present that couldn't be easily played with. A suitable train track and if desired that money put to one side for one when he is bigger would have made ore sense.

P.s DH was genuinely upset as it was something he had so desperately wanted as a young boy but "there wasn't the space and it wasn't a toy" were cited as reasons he couldn't have one...

And although it would have made more sense it wasn't what they wanted to do. And although it irritates me I would never tell them what to get or do. They are my ILs, may parents always ask first

DH was genuinely upset as it was something he had so desperately wanted as a young boy but "there wasn't the space and it wasn't a toy"

What he needs is a shed, then he can finally get to play at trains

FWIW I totally get you feeling sorry for your little lad over the gift and don't think it was ungrateful at all. As you say, though, it's not the personal view of the gift that's wrong - it's the asking; presumably if folk want to give cash instead they're perfectly capable of saying so

BTW I'm going to assume fredfred was joking or being ironic about going NC with family over inappropriate gifts ... the alternative doesn't bear thinking about

My parents are prolific present buyers and the amount of plastic tat we've ended up with is bonkers. Basically you can't really stop them but I've found preempting works well so before birthday's and Xmas I'll mention something that is suitable for them and our home "really would be nice to get a swing in the garden, do you think DS2 would like one for his birthday? Maybe we could all chip in?" Instead of leaving it up to them to buy a huge ride on battery powered car that the child has literally nowhere to ride anyway.

My PILs are also massively generous. So we ask them to buy the big things that dc need. Pram, cot, snowsuits, winterboots, legoland passes etc. They quite like being able to give us something that they know will get used. I would also love for them to put money away for the dc, but that doesnt seem to be a thing in their family like it is in mine.

Another alternative is to suggest sticking to
something you want
something you need
something to wear
and something to read

My family is exactly the same tldr. My parents respected my choice - think they were glad tbh - but not my in-laws. I still fall out with them, and my DCs are almost 7 and 10! I tell myself every Xmas that I won't get in a flap, but always do. My advice to you is to accept the inevitable, as they probably won't treat your DC differently to their other GCs. You and your DH are a much bigger influence than they are, so don't worry about them turning out to be spoiled

I have 9 grandchildren and I will not ever make money a main Christmas or birthday gift.
It's fine for the parents and horrible for the child. Imagine the conversation at school:
I had some roller boots for Christmas
I had a new bike and a doll
Santa brought me a big box of Lego...
I got 6 envelopes with cheques that Mummy and Daddy took away and an improving book about ecology!

I think part of having kids, especially small kids, is the fact that you will have a pile of toys somewhere in the house. Some of which may well be tat which you wouldn't have chosen.

But part of the fun of being a relative of small kids is choosing presents for them. By all means if you're struggling for space then large hints about no large presents are acceptable.

But as a parent you will need to make regular "sweeps" of stuff which is outgrown, unused, etc. Either bung it in the loft if you think you're havinving more dc or take it to the charity shop. Ive just had a pre xmas clear out and taken three bin bags of books and toys.

I think a bit of understanding on both sides is needed.

Parents need to understand that grandparents get pleasure from choosing gifts for their grandchildren and seeing their pleasure at opening them. Particularly if they didn't have the money to 'spoil' their own children at Christmas and birthdays.

And grandparents need to understand that parents don't live in houses with endless rooms and that buying enormous things that will take up loads of space, or toys that come with a million different minute bits and pieces can cause problems.

I remember my parents being absolutely mortified when their first grandchild was two and they realised the Christmas present they'd bought him far exceeded in, in price and excitement, his main present from Santa. They toned it down a bit after that. But they still loved buying their grandchildren nice things for the few short years they could, before it became a matter of slipping money to the parents to buy the latest computer game or other gadget, because they wouldn't have a clue to ask about it themselves in a shop.

A bit of cop on and compromise on both sides usually works.

As sensible as your ideas are, and I can understand your train of thought on this (who doesn't want less plastic tat about?), you can't actually do it.

Your families can, and will, give whatever gifts they want to give and, within reason, there is very little reasonable way to stop that. I say within reason because obviously if you had people trying to give knives, lighters etc. you would need to stop them - but toys, no.

And apart from anything else, the toys will be from your relatives to your DC. And your small DC will definitely prefer a toy to a tenner. Even if she only plays with that toy once. The time for money as gifts will come - my teenage DSs only want money for Christmas, whereas I feel the need to get things to wrap up & put under the tree!

In summary;

Small child in house + generous relatives = piles of toys.

You're going to have a wish-list (equipment, plus stuff like snowsuit etc) so why not give a suggestion? "We would really like the XXX from John Lewis" or whatever. Then you stand a chance of getting what you want.

But my parents always bought savings bonds for my dch, which I was very grateful for. This was their preference. The money built up over the years and paid for Uni/towards house deposit when dch reached 18. So I don't think YABU in asking for contributions towards your PFB's ISA. It may be worth exploring whether your relatives may actually prefer to do this rather than having to buy gifts.

BTW I don't think you sound 'grabby' at all!

DD1 was 19mo last Xmas and was visibly overwhelmed by her presents - she didn't even have that many! So this year I have been reminding everyone how she got present-opening-fatigue and not to buy too much. When they're tiny, they just want to play with the first toy they open. I don't think it's unreasonable to remind everyone of that - if they want to spend £100 far better to buy one big present that gets an enthusiastic reaction.

So while I wouldn't ask for money, I would try and steer towards quality rather than quantity. And be grateful when they're bigger and you're not funding the iPad

I wouldn't ask for money. We did however tell people about certain rules, we did not allow tablet computers, telephones, games consoles etc until a certain age (around 10 for us). If there are things you really don't want them to have, have the discussion and have it early on. It would have been much harder if they'd given a tablet or something only to then hear, actually, he's not allowed.

I understand where you're coming from. My mum and nan are notorious for buying bits of plastic tat, and buying excessively In general. My 3yo dd gets magazines regularly - she can't even read! She just wants the crappy little toys they come with which then get lost at the bottom of her toy box and the magazine end up strewn across the living room in bits. I have tried to tell them but to no avail. So now I just accept that every time dd goes to stay at my mums she will come back with some form of tat. One Christmas she bought her a massive ball pit which was far to big for our living room so as lovely as it was it hardly got used as it was impractical and a massive effort to get out and put away. My nan has bought dd an electric car for Christmas. We do have garden space for it thankfully, but I doubt it will be used much until the weather improves again. I tried to negotiate and persuade her to go with a cheaper cosy coupe instead, but she wasn't having it and dd had already seen the car and her face was a picture in toys r us. Pil aren't as bad though they still do but the occasional bit of tat.

I've now realised that tat, especially of the plastic (and noisy - when they're babies) variety is a right of passage when it comes to parenthood and there's not a whole lot you can do to stop it. Although pointing grandparents in the right direction when it comes to gifts can be helpful.

I wasn't being completely serious no about going NC, that would be quite unreasonable over simply not listening to the perfectly reasonable request to avoid excessive or tat presents etc. But it would equally be quite unreasonable of the GP's to ignore the requests.

It was just to show that all the power does exist with the parents, and they should be able to tell their own parents and to decline and limit presents.

The idea that it's a right of passage to welcome your family wasting money is just wrong.

There's an assumption that grandparents all like shopping.
My dc had cash for years from grandparnets (and great grandparents) that were very appreciative they didn't have to face the shops and chooses approp gifts for several granchildren.