To suggest money instead of gifts for PFB?

[MsShopper]

(First ever post, so be kind!)

I'm expecting my and DH's much longed-for first child. So far, we seem to be very like-minded in terms of our approach to becoming parents, at least in theory! Just wondering what people think about this...

So for context... Both his and my families are lovely and generous people, which is wonderful. But we think they really go overboard when it comes to children's birthdays and Christmas - my nieces and nephews get literally huge mounds of presents from parents and grandparents especially. Half the living room gets covered in gifts. Things like motorised cars for a 2-year-old, top-of-range iPad for a 3-year-old, not to mention skiploads of branded plastic dolls / action figures etc... (Not massively relevant and also none of my business I know, but many times this has been funded by credit cards, which I think is madness.)

We both feel it's excessive, but now that we're due our own child it's coming into sharper focus. We want our child to appreciate and cherish the toys and books etc they have over the years, and not (as we've observed with our nieces and nephews) just bounce mindlessly from one toy to another until most are broken or forgotten while they go back to their old favourite.

So... when the time comes, I have been toying with the idea of suggesting an upper limit on gifts, and if they do want to spend more to suggest that they could make a deposit in our child's junior ISA (which we plan on opening and paying into each month ourselves). The money would be available when they turn 18, with the hope they could use it to, eg, put towards university fees or driving lessons, or similar - a helpful leg-up to start their adult life.

So AIBU to suggest cash instead of an extravagant gift? AIB unrealistic to think that grandparents won't ignore us and buy the damn iPad anyway?

Would be good to hear views from anyone like-minded or otherwise before we broach the subject with the families. Thanks!

Jen DM stored DB's entire Star Wars collection, Millenium Falcon, Ewok Village, the works. 35 years on he is very grateful

Good luck with that one OP

DS is an only GC and, despite numerous discussions about Not Going Overboard, still it continued. Eventually I concluded that it gave them pleasure to spoil DS and they were able to afford it so I just gritted my teeth and smiled.

Now he's older and the wish list is smaller but exponentially more expensive it's easier. My DP's generally buy the "big" gift and have become quite accepting of the Amazon Wishlist over the years (it helps that they are clueless about Xboxes and so forth so rely on a picture they can click on :o)

Based on your thread title I was all ready to come on here and say you were being very crass, but actually I see yours is a genuine concern. However, you are being very PFB about this.

No matter what you say or do your house is going to get full of toys and for the first few years your DC will not be grateful for much, it doesn't matter. As they get older you can teach them to be grateful. We hide many of DD's gifts initially and bring them out in stages so she is always grateful for her new things and we don't allow her to have everything out at once.

I actually think money into an ISA along with a couple of small gifts is very practical and in the long run far more valuable to your DC, but grandparents will likely want to buy gifts and see the look of joy on their DGC face when they're opened.

I think it's fine to say no iPads etc. it is up to you how you raise your DC and if you don't want them on iPads that's a legitimate point, otherwise, I think you just need to accept that your parents are going to lavish gifts on your child and be grateful.

Sorry you got such a pasting on here, I think some posters forget that they were probably earnest soon to be parents of PFBs once too. Lots of people are guilty of overthinking when they're expecting their first.

Grandparents get real joy from giving gifts to their grandchildren IME, they love to see the look on the child's face when they open the gift and enjoy watching them play with the toy /reading the book to them etc. Can hardly see them being so joyous about paying a cheque into a savings account I can't see your DC enjoying it much either!
Yes you want them to grow up to br grateful for the things they have,but very young children don't grasp this and just want to play.
IMO asking for money at any time is in very poor taste and quite grabby, and to be worrying about this before the baby is even born is crazy!
Asking for particular things your DC needs is fine and this is something we do with GPs, they ask for ideas and then buy something from the suggestions we give them. They would much rather buy my DD'S things they want than something they don't. Maybe go down this route instead.

Talk about sucking the joy out of gift giving.

Grandparents love to choose presents, handing over cash as the parents are controlling doesn't bring any joy at all. It just makes you seem grasping. If you want savings for your child, then save yourself.

New parents can stress but worrying over gifts is very PFB in the extreme.

I agree OP, we have asked PIL to put money in a ISA for DS instead of shed loads of tat, they still buy small presents from time to time (books, soft toys etc) but have cut down massively on the amount we use to buy him.

My mum still buys DS presents but she does live 10 000 miles away so it's only ever birthday and christmas and she never goes overboard.

sugar I'm very sorry for your loss. I truly think these experiences shape our thinking and I often talk on here with other mums who are members of that club no one ever wants to join. Sometimes I get very obsessive about for example baby vests that my little boy wore, I remember they touched his skin. Does that make sense?

And op I think you're getting a little more flamed than necessary but if this is a genuine concern just follow some of the tips here for example staggering throughout the year, rotating toys etc.

I always wonder about posters who describe asking for money from parents as crass or grabby etc etc. they're your parents. They raised you. As long as it's done politely and explained why, I see no reason why it is any of those things. Would you think the same of your own children if they did the same to you in years to come?

Kind of secondary to whether it's acceptable to ask for money...

If the GPs are buying lots of toys on a credit card, giving cash isn't an option. They can spend as much as they like within their credit limit on various toys and gadgets and whatever, but it's a different ballgame when it comes to drawing out or transferring cash, and it's a much more expensive and confusing one. If they go down that route, they may well find they don't have credit cards to fund anything the following year.

Stepped on, yes I would think it of my own children if they asked for cash. However they have been brought up to be thankful for any gift, even if they don't like it, and they would know better than ask for cash.

The poor grandparents are likely itching to shop, can you imagine being told you can't as the parents don't want gifts but just hard cash.

Toys are overwhelming at times but you just rotate, keep a supply at grandparents etc so you don't have to cart as much round every visit.

I have a gd 5. At her first few birthdays l was overwhelmed by how much stuff she got. Then l began to buy her one present usually a craft item as she loves that. I also bought a voucher for clothes as l realised very early on that my tastes were totally different to theirs. I used to buy an expensive dress and literally never see it on her.I also pay for her swimming lessons. We have sometimes treated them to tickets to an event that is child friendly. What she gets most happiness out of is me picking up a book from the book people at a random time and arriving with it. I would not put money in an account for her as l hope to have more gc and l don't want to set a precedent. They can save money not spent on swimming lessons or clothes. Her parents are young so not likely to save much as barely keeping head above water.I absolutely hate all the tat and l would say a lot of Gp do. Luckily her other Gp are pretty level headed folk and are more likely to buy experiences.

I think op is getting a hard time on here.
When they were little, my dc got as much pleasure from a cardboard box things that cost £1 as things that cost £40. THAT is the point. If someone wants to give them £40 worth of stuff, they can still give them £35 (only 1 and 1/2 driving lessons) to save and have 5 presents to open on the day. It's not unreasonable to guide close family in that sort of direction.

steppedonlego my parents are the ones who taught me as a child it was unacceptable to ask for money.
If my parents heard my DC were saving up for something they would happily contribute but i would never say "could you just give the money".
If people want to give money, they will. If they want to give something completely unsuitable, they will. It's their choice and you just need to be grateful.

To be clear we never asked for money from anyone. We would say things like, we don't have that much space and DD loves to dance so we were thinking that would be a great gift. My father sat us down and talked to us about how our money was going to work. 5 years on we are very comfortable but it wasn't that way when I first married DH. My dad was very concerned about us affording the best daycare.

I'm with the OP in wanting to curb the unnecessary mountains of gifts from DGPs. I wouldn't ask for money instead though - bit crass.

For those who think it's rude to put a limit on gifts: is it not equally rude to give so many gifts that the DC are physically unable to open them all in one day, let alone show any interest in them - such that the lovingly chosen gifts from other people do not get a look in? MIL ignores us every year when we beg her to show restraint and the waste is truly shocking.

And really not nice for everyone else to see their presents left unopened or ignored because the DC truly cannot cope with any more novelty.

As one who still has a loft full of expensive, unused toys still in their boxes, I think the OP has the right sentiments towards gifts.

My children's GPs had no clue what to buy the DCs, so they would hand us the money to spend on their behalf and we'd put some into savings for them. The GPs were happy just to see the children with a mound of presents with no real clue which were funded by them (all were from 'Santa'). I'd tell them there was some cash left over and did they want it back, and of course they always said no.

But others went for wholesale tat with a quantity-over-quality outlook, and many toys never made it to the end of the day, despite DCs not being heavy-handed with them. These are the ones I'd love to have said, 'can you just give them money instead please' to, especially if the DCs were disappointed when it broke.

Or SIL, who every year gave them spectacularly inappropriate gifts, often expensive, like the batman and robin outfits for age 10 when the DCs were just 4... That year I did ask if she kept the receipt so I could change them for the right sizes, but she wouldn't give me it, saying they'd grow into them. If you're giving gifts for the future then I'd rather they had the cash in the bank, thanks. They ended up in a charity shop mostly unworn, as the DCs were bored with batman by the time they were 10.

I think that probably sounds greedy, but when you see your children overwhelmed with too much stuff, upset when cheap toys break, excited over a batman outfit then in tears because it's so big the gusset trails on the floor, then you wonder why, if they are so keen to give your child a gift, they don't check to ensure that it's appropriate, robust, fits etc. first. A few well-chosen gifts or some cash in a card is a lot more suitable, and welcome. Then you know they are giving for the child, not for themselves.

I don't think it's crass or grabby, OP, just impossible to impose. If anyone asks what your LO needs, you could try the old 'oh, they have so much stuff they haven't played with yet, I can't think of anything' Then suggest a contribution to their savings so LO can choose something special later.

Never worked for me though.

It seems a bit mercenary and joyless to me to be directing an aunt or grandparent towards a newborn's ISA.

The problem with this is that, later on, it will look like the GPs favoured your children rather than your neice/ nephews.

I'm a grandparent, and I'd be perfectly happy to give my grandson money to put away towards his future, plus one small token gift for him to open. I always ask my son and daughter in law what he wants or needs, and get him that.

Personally I think it's rude. Also, people like buying gifts. If people haven't got much money they can still get a great gift. However, if you ask for money they may feel embarrassed or obliged to give more than they would spend and struggle for money afterwards. Just ask people to get a small gift or something like that.

I also feel I should tell you that you and your dh may agree on parenting now, but everything will be totally different to how you imagine it

We have asked for money for our DD this Christmas. It is her bday on Christmas Eve, so we have a party for her and friends the weekend before. So she has gifts from friends a week before birthday, then gifts on her actual birthday from family and gifts on christmas day from everyone.

We had a party for the whole class last year and the amount of gifts that Christmas time was absolutely ridiculous. There was no way she could have appreciated all those gifts so we decided never again. We are asking family to get her a gift for EITHER bday or christmas and money for other IF they are willing to do it. I was a bit wary about suggesting this to people, but tbh - most people have been relieved. Having about 20 family members asking what DD wants for bday, then what does she want for christmas, was a bit stressful trying to think of ideas, so releif all round for everyone. After Christmas, we will buy her a console she wants, but we could never afford alone.

I really don't think there's anything rude or grabby about suggesting a donation to your baby's Junior ISA, but I appreciate some people have different views on this. I also think you might have better luck suggesting that your ILs pay for a specific activity or contribute towards a large item such as a play set, so that they can see GC enjoying it now. Otherwise, is there any chance you can at least get them to stick to your list?

OP I think you are getting a very hard time.

I don't think asking for money for an ISA is a bad idea or grabby. My parents and GPs spend far too much on DS - he is a very very lucky boy, but he really doesn;t need all the toys they buy him.

This year I have responded (politely) when asked what he would like, that he is already a very lucky boy, and really has too many toys to be able to play with now. He loves a handful, but the others are mostly ignored. There are only so many hours in the day to play with things.

Instead I have asked if they will give a small gift to open on the day, and then contribute to ISA or savings. Or a day out, or something I don't have to find room for!

I think it's a great idea and far from rude and grabby. It's true, however that GPS will want to watch their dgc opening their gifts so I would be suggesting 'small gifts, please for the first few years'. I think the saving account should be mentioned in person. Only you can know when the right time is. Surely most sensible and sane adults would prefer to do as requested and see some lasting benefit later on?

You don't get to control how people choose to spend their money

This ^^ And doubly so where children are concerned, as many just love to think of the little faces when opening "their" gift. It was bound to happen, though; it mainly started with grasping wedding poems and just spread and spread

Why not just teach them to say thank you politely and maybe even encourage them to give unwanted stuff away? Charities, hospitals and so on are always desperate for donations and that way the youngsters learn compassion and generosity too. It's not the same as money in the bank of course, but that's not always the only thing to value