To suggest money instead of gifts for PFB?

[MsShopper]

(First ever post, so be kind!)

I'm expecting my and DH's much longed-for first child. So far, we seem to be very like-minded in terms of our approach to becoming parents, at least in theory! Just wondering what people think about this...

So for context... Both his and my families are lovely and generous people, which is wonderful. But we think they really go overboard when it comes to children's birthdays and Christmas - my nieces and nephews get literally huge mounds of presents from parents and grandparents especially. Half the living room gets covered in gifts. Things like motorised cars for a 2-year-old, top-of-range iPad for a 3-year-old, not to mention skiploads of branded plastic dolls / action figures etc... (Not massively relevant and also none of my business I know, but many times this has been funded by credit cards, which I think is madness.)

We both feel it's excessive, but now that we're due our own child it's coming into sharper focus. We want our child to appreciate and cherish the toys and books etc they have over the years, and not (as we've observed with our nieces and nephews) just bounce mindlessly from one toy to another until most are broken or forgotten while they go back to their old favourite.

So... when the time comes, I have been toying with the idea of suggesting an upper limit on gifts, and if they do want to spend more to suggest that they could make a deposit in our child's junior ISA (which we plan on opening and paying into each month ourselves). The money would be available when they turn 18, with the hope they could use it to, eg, put towards university fees or driving lessons, or similar - a helpful leg-up to start their adult life.

So AIBU to suggest cash instead of an extravagant gift? AIB unrealistic to think that grandparents won't ignore us and buy the damn iPad anyway?

Would be good to hear views from anyone like-minded or otherwise before we broach the subject with the families. Thanks!

I have 2 nieces and I spend a lot more on them than their other aunties and uncles but that's because I'm very close to them and don't have my own children. My mum spends a fortune at Christmas and is very generous at birthdays. Her circumstances allow it, the girls other gran is in a different situation.

It's never been seen as a competition and as a rule we see them separately from my SIL family. There's never been an bad feeling. I'd be really hurt if my brother told me to curb the things I buy and apart from pocket money or holiday spends I just refuse to give cash.

I have 2 dc who are learning to drive at the moment. One is also at university.
Believe me, they both are very, very glad their mother had a chat with grandparents and said the house was already full of stuff to play with/do, and, for anyone who didn't mind would they please put money towards their driving lesson fund, and, if they want, get them something (often colouring books or felt pens or hair bobbles) so they physically had something to unwrap if they wished.
I dont think it's rude to make suggestions for small dc.
Obvs then up to the grandparents / aunts / uncles if they stick to it or not.

However, id wait until after the baby arrives before saying anything

To be honest, I think you just have to let them buy what they like, and be grateful they care enough about your child to buy them stuff at all.
Unless they ask at some point what you need them to buy/the child might like. It's not implausible -people commonly do this. At which point, depending on your relationship with them, you can not unreasonably steer them towards token gift plus ISA contribution.
Personally I wouldn't mention it until they do,

It is ok when the child is a baby, but what happens when older GC are given great presents and your DC is old enough to notice. I would feel very uncomfortable giving one set presents and handing a cheque a to grandchilds parents.

Great advice there, thanks NuffSaidSam, BackforGood and lots others.

And thanks to everyone for your comments. I think I'll stick to less controversial topics if I'm brave enough to return for a second thread!

You're not being too sensible at all, op; you're being crass beyond belief.

Asking for money is a definite no no, it is rude.

We tried to suggest experiences rather than gifts (theme park days, theatre etc) as our DCs are much older than your as yet unborn but had limited success.

Fundamentally, it's their money to spend as they wish. GPs do get so much pleasure from this.

Good luck with the pregnancy

Firstly, congratulations.

Secondly, our also much loved and longed for evoked so much hope and joy in our family that everyone went a bit bananas and it hasn't really stopped. I don't care. I'll have a house full of tat and a miracle baby all day long.

Practically, if people ask I think it's fine to make suggestions such as pennies to save, swimming lessons, photos in frames, trips to the zoo...

When you inevitably end up with lots of 'stuff' remember there are plenty of children far less lucky. I'm in the midst of my annual pre-Christmas streamline so anything outgrown or never played with can either be sold and proceeds saved, wrapped and given to our local refuge and safe houses via church, given to nursery or stored in a safe place where I can dig it out and weep as the days quickly turn into years.

Honestly, there's not much you can do if other people choose to go into debt, or your oldest friend presents your toddler with a drum kit, or you feel like your house will explode or you feel incredibly guilty at the random selection that makes some of us lucky and some of us not.

When I had to pray and beg for my boy to be ok I would've given every earthly possession so now that he is ok I won't let earthly possessions take up too much space in my mind.

Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

What a beautiful comment, thanks ASAS. (Can I blame pregnancy hormones that you made me well up a bit?) You've given me a good reminder of what's important at the end of the day, thank you.

You can't control EVERYTHING about your child's life. This is something one learns as the PFB becomes less new. People will buy unsuitable gifts, they will say things you don't like to them....harmless things but things that make you cringe, they will buy outfits you hate, they will feed them crappy food....it's part of the child's journey. Obviously we can avoid things which are dangerous or damaging...but other things, it's best to leave alone.

I've just been clearing up after my two and four year olds. They've recently had birthdays and we have so much (tat)! They really do not need anything else. I was going to ask DH if we should just ask for money for them for Christmas. We are incredibly lucky compared with some but like you, I want my DC to appreciate what they have, OP.

The stuff will come and go, it's the tiny grains of sand that pass through to make a vast desert over time.

ok, I sound drunk so will shut up now

You had me going there for a minute!

Lots to say on this!

-treating toys poorly breaking them and disrespecting them is to do with how they've been brought up, not about how many toys they have. If you teach them respect for the home/belongings it doesn't matter if they have one toy or one hundred toys.

-grandparents love to buy things and often are in a position to enjoy having the disposal cash they didn't have when their own DC were small, don't take that away from them.

-you could mention that you're setting up a savings fund if ever they feel a donation is more appropriate than a gift, then the choice is theirs.

-don't impose a gift limit, it's rude imo.

-when baby is young put away gifts for later, they won't notice and will love the surprise later.

-when they're older discuss with them how lucky they are. Have them sort out old (but well cared!) for toys to donate to a refuge or similar prior to Christmas. After Christmas discuss how they have more than they need and ask them to donate one brand new, still boxed thing to a charity, maybe a children's ward or as a raffle prize for a hospice or something.
Don't deny others the joy of gifting but use it as an opportunity to demonstrate the qualities you want your DC to grow up with.

-mine love having presents, they always do thank you cards and treat things nicely. I'm grateful that they have so many lovely things to play with, it's fab when they have friends over and they have exciting toys to share. Most importantly I am grateful they have family that want to buy for them because they love them.

YABU. The point of babies and grandparents (and other rellies) is that heaps of inappropriate plastic tat gets lobbed into your home. Where's the excitement for grandparents in shoving some cash in an ISA? And whether you feel you're not being grabby is irrelevant - you will be talked about as such.

Someone suggested upthread to ask for subscriptions, etc - brilliant idea - you could also maybe suggest that the grandparents open an account for pfb, and pay into it instead of gifts, without letting you know how much they have put away, and they give the money to your child for uni/deposit/car/whatever when they are much older.

My mum and dad do this (but they don't get into debt). We went through an unexpected period of time - years - where we were short of money. It was a relief to know that the grandparents were helping us with Christmas & birthday & often clothes! We were really grateful. It's also lovely to see the grandparents pleasure when our children were pleased. My children have always appreciated presents. One year my son was still opening presents at 5pm as he played with each one for two hours before opening the next.

ASAS Just want to say thank you for posting such lovely words and you are so right. Having lost a child I now treasure the bits of "tat" in my cupboard. They were hers and she played wiith them, some of her things I gave to charity but there are certain toys that I will always treasure.
OP really dont think you could ask for money, unless you say " hope everybody doesn't mjnd but we are looking to the future and could you start a shoe fund, " Childrens shoes are so expensive so if you do that the rellies will know that a child grows out of their shoes very quickly and if you want Clarks for example they are £30 at least.
Maybe this is an idea?

I think it depends on the grandparent. My dad actively prefers to put money in any account for when they're adults. My mum and the others would feel cheated if they couldn't buy them nice things. As someone else has said, you could leave some at grandparents houses for when they visit. If they complain it would be an opportunity to raise how inundated you are anticipating feeling and suggest other options.

You are completely missing the point. Kids like presents, they love having stuff to open on Xmas and birthdays and grandparents etc love to give them. Let them get on with it you can't and shouldn't dictate their spending. And also it's bloody rude to suggest giving money instead. Your dc isn't even here yet and your thinking about this ridiculous.

Oooh, I'd forgotten I'd set the DCs up with ISAs. I might mention it to the grandparents that they have them and give them the option of paying into them if they feel it's appropriate.

We have one set of GPs who are very tight, and one set who will buy the DCs far too much! Thankfully most of the toys stay at their house as they are there a lot, otherwise we would be wading through toys here!!

Buyer of tat here. Spent £30 on Shopkins crap but that's why I have a 'Best auntie in the world badge'

DD has too many toys whose sole purpose is to find their way under my foot.

Asking people to pair it back is going to fall on deaf ears. I would certainly ignore anyone telling me to give their child a boring trust fund donation. I give gifts for their enjoyment, not the parents. Let them be kids.

It's up to you, the parent to make sure they don't act spoiled.

I'd suggest the following:

• Limit screen time.
• Put some toys in storage and then swap them out every couple of months to keep the toys new and fresh.
• Make them write thank you cards so they learn to appreciate their gifts when they're old enough.
• Relax when your child is a toddler you will be happy for anything that shuts them up for 5 minutes keeps them entertained for a bit.

We mentioned to the GPs that we were setting up a college savings account and any gifts towards that account would be thankfully received. My parents give us cash for us to buy gifts as we live 3000 miles away in the US where it's all cheaper here anyway. We often buy a new in the box gift via our local facebook selling group on the QT and save the rest. My PIL think we spend all the money they give us on shoes and clothes for the kids. I buy 2nd hand or at the outlets and save the difference. Dd turned 4 in July and we have saved $24k for her between adding a small amount monthly and putting in these gifts plus any savings from buying 2nd hand. DS is 2.5 and has $14k. It's shocking it's grown this much in such a small amount of time.

Dd had her christening in the UK. All cash was saved and nearly all gifts were cash. DS was christened in Denmark and every bought a gift. DH refused to let me return 4 of the 5 the 'limited edition' wooden monkeys that were gifted to DS. They were £125 each and I could have cashed them for that amount, depositing the cash into his savings account. Today you buy the same wooden monkeys for £20 each. It's why DS doesn't have more in his account.

Ds does not seem to have the volume of toys that some of his other friends have, based on visits to houses, but I still get overwhelmed with the stuff and in particular the things he doesn't play with. I'm not a neat freak, but live in a small house and there isn't the space.

We have curbed some of my ILs naturally generous spirit towards clothes buying. 'He could really do with some new pyjamas' is one way of getting them to spend money productively.

They have compulsively hoarded every toy their kids ever played with in their loft (though they live in an immaculate house) )which adds a certain amount of interest to the stuff thing.

No way will I be storing 35 year old Lego just in case my adult children want to sell it on eBay...