How often can we realistically visit father-in-law? Six hours each way.

[Coffeepot72]

I've tried really hard to try and think how I'd feel if it were my Dad in a nursing home - but I'm still unsure.

DH's Dad is in a nursing home, approx 6 hours drive from us. Yes, there are trains, but the journey would involve several changes, and the nearest station is quite a distance from the nursing home, so its more straightforward to drive.

Until recently, we'd visit every couple of months, driving up on Saturday, staying overnight in a Travelodge, and driving back on Sunday. It's hard going emotionally, not to mention the travel is very tiring too. And it's expensive.

FIL has deteriorated recently - he had dementia, he doesn't recognise DH, he doesn't even seem to know we are there, the nursing staff tell us this is quite normal with advanced dementia cases. This had made DH want to visit more regularly, he feels bad that his father is very poorly, literally hundreds of miles away.

And of course I understand this, it's only natural. But DH is now talking about visiting every couple of weeks. I work in retail and work most Saturdays, so if we want to go over a weekend I generally need to take a day's holiday. We don't go during the week as DH is self employed, and isn't earning if he isn't working. I don't like DH to go on his own, because he's not the best driver when he's tired and upset, so we usually split the driving.

FIL is in quite good shape physically, and could potentially live for quite a few more years yet - obviously I'm not wishing him to pass away, before anyone attacks me - but I just don't know what is a reasonable pattern of visiting. DH's sister lives near the nursing home and visits regularly, so its not like FIL doesn't get many visitors, but the thought of trying to manage such difficult/expensive visits every couple of weeks for the foreseeable future really worries me. And I feel bad if I try and point this out to DH.

Please don't flame me, I'd hate to see either of my parents in such poor health, and of course I'd want to visit if that were the case, but the distance and logistics is a real headache.

I think your DH should go as often as he feels the need and it's financially viable, at least to start. I think it's highly likely that his 'every couple of weeks' would soon dwindle down once he realizes that Dad doesn't know him and that he's exhausting himself mainly for himself, rather than for his father.

As far as 'reasonable', if it were me I'd probably go monthly. Perhaps you could accompany him every other month?

If you worry about him driving, would it be at all possible for him to take the train when he goes alone? I know it would be more complicated, but at least he wouldn't be driving. Or is flying an option? Where I am (US, West Coast) it would only cost about $50.00 more for me to fly the 500 miles to my hometown than it would to take the train.

Another one who thinks dh should go alone. My friend in just this situation did that. Decided not to take the dc once his df was too far gone.

Makes no sense for you to take holiday when you don't even want to go. Forget 'how would you feel if of was your dp?' How would you feel if you were old, demented, mostly alone and completely abandoned by your son? Think on, you might one day come to realise how important it is that people out themselves out for their family.

It's your dh's conscience which is causing problems. He knows it's i,practical. He knows he can't sensibly visit so often and complete the contract. He knows that you don't want to visit so often. He knows you will lose all your holiday if you visit so often.

He needs to separate his emotions from his rationality. Everything rational is against, and there is only one thing (a big thing) on the emotional side.

He's not been abandoned by his son though. The OP is willing for them both to visit, she would just rather not do it every other weekend. And he's not going to feel anything about it because he doesn't actually recognise his son anymore. He is also being visited by his dd, so again hardly alone and abandoned. That's emotive language, which doesn't really apply to this situation.

Posted too soon.

"When I became a man I put aside childish things" is a quote that sprang into my mind. I'm sure there are similar quotes for the other side, though.

Not much help, I'm afraid, but maybe something to think on.

Fly? Him on his own. Or train every 3 weeks or so

When mother was in hospital with dementia, I visited every half term. I'd fly up and down on the same day.

DH saw her once and we kept the children away.

Your dh should go on the train and get a taxi from there.

Would pointing out how he could work on the train help? Book in advance, upgrade to 1st class etc?

Every 3rd weekend alternating with him solo on train and you accompanying him the next by car?

We were doing this sort of journey regularly for a few months and it's a killer and as you've said his Dad is in good physical health it's going to be a marathon!

Op I went through this recently, my Mum was taken into hospital and never really got back to herself, she went home briefly but had a fall and ended up in a rehab hospital for weeks then moved to a care home which was meant to be temporary until she could go home. She never did. Her mild dementia seemed to get rapidly worse and she went downhill very quickly. I went through agonies of guilt as I could not travel the 7 hour journey as often as I wanted. I did a couple of trips on my own on the train and DH drove me up twice in between. to begin with I would ring her at the home every night but as she got worse that was pointless as she either did not know who it was, or was asleep and woke up confused. I sent her postcards daily and bought a hanger display for them so the nurses could remind her of us and display the postcards and photos of us for her. I would ring to ask how she was and they relayed that to her in her better moments. When she went onto end of life care I just knew I had to go so I took a month unpaid leave and sat with her every day until she died. I look back and whenever the guilt at not being there over the years starts to overwhelm me I take great comfort in knowing I was there when she really needed me and I know I have nothing to feel guilty for as she was happy when she had us visit and when she could visit us despite it only being 6 or 7 times a year. be prepared for future issues so that DH can say his inevitable goodbyes (eventually) without guilt and visit as often as is practical. its very hard but it can be done, compromise with him taking train once a month and the next driving together. if you don't he will forever feel guilt so do what you both can to minimise this.

You know, this situation is always awful. My DFIL has just died after 4 years in a home with dementia. My DF died last year after 8 years in a home with dementia. He lived a mile away from me, and I went once a week for eight years because that was as often as I could manage, even with that short journey. He died on the second day of the only 2 week holiday I'd had in the last 4 years or so, and after much anguish I didn't cut the holiday short, though I still feel guilty about it. Under any other circumstances I'd have been there in a few minutes when he died, but as things turned out - I wasn't.

Your DH's situation might end next week or might go on for years. You just don't know, and that means you can't plan properly because you just don't have the information. So you and he both have to do what you feel able to do, and come to terms with the nasty truth that you will be doing something less well than you want to, however you use your time. If he sees his DF very often, he will get very tired and he will spend much less time with you. If he sees his DF less often, he will feel guilty. If you go with him, you will have to struggle not to resent it, after a while. If you don't, you'll feel guilty. I think a big part of handling this sort of stuff is acknowledging that there is no good solution, there just isn't, because the situation will only improve when his DF dies, and that's a horrible thing to wish for, although in the end - as it was for my DFIL last week - it can be truly a merciful release. So I think the key is to accept that whatever you end up doing, both of you, is the best you can do at that time. It won't be perfect or just what you want, but at the end of the day you have to forgive yourselves and do what you are able to do while not forgoing everything else about life. You can't make it better, you just have to get over the rough ground as easily as you can. So sorry you are in this position :(

Agree that one's best intentions at first slide because of the potential length of the situation. Dh and his brothers were visiting mil every week at first. You just can't keep it up week after week when it's a long journey, you have a family, there is considerable travelling costs and... when you sit there and the person doesn't have a clue who you are and is non-verbal.

Fil has dementia too but although he's forgotten who I am, I sit and ask him about his childhood and that's quite interesting as he talks in the present tense about it. That's the sort of dementia as portrayed by charities and care homes: a confused but otherwise amiable person. Mil's journey was different: she became nasty, angry, hysterical, upset - before a rapid slide into a vegetative state. Awful for her family to witness.

I sit and ask him about his childhood and that's quite interesting as he talks in the present tense about it. That's the sort of dementia as portrayed by charities and care homes

Completely agree with this. My SIL drives me wild with her comments about dementia - just because HER Gran grew confused and didn't know who was who, but was basically sweet natured, smiley and amiable as she ever was as she advanced towards 100 (100 years old FFS!), she thinks she can pass knowledgeable comment on MY dad's dementia at 72. He is doubly incontinent, mute, sleeps 90% of the time, can't sing any more, play the guitar or the piano or any of the things he used to do, lacks the co-ordination to walk or even stand alone, or feed himself, and doesn't recognise close family members. No he doesn't chat good naturedly and dottily, thinking I am his little sister, pretending we are walking to school, or providing any of those other fascinating little insights into his young life that people assume dementia is all about - unless they have first hand experience of the sheer fucking bleakness and misery of it.

What is the point of me wearing myself ragged and driving 200 miles each way every two weeks to visit him? I know he is warm and safe and well cared for, and the home's staff are good lovely people. And before anyone asks how do I know, I do know so I don't feel guilty. I just want it to be over for him. That's what dementia is.

the comment about being too upset to drive is entirely fair and is not a matter of 'putting in place'.

driving is a big responsibility and is not to be done when upset or tired. It is NEVER essential to drive in the UK.

it helps no-one if the husband is injured or killed, or does this to someone else.

he should take the train.

I told dh about this thread. He just couldn't summon the energy to drive and visit the pil today. Fil has forgotten dh (who was born some time after his db s). He thinks he only has the two elder sons. Dh says that with regret he just wishes mil were dead: she is a shell sitting in a giant nappy. She does, however, manage to eat three good meals a day (well, she is spoonfed) so, like The Energiser Bunny, will probably go on and on. She will probably outlast us all.

It's a hard situation

My mum visited her elderly mother (who had dementia) every week, 2 hr drive each way. She still felt guilty and that she wasn't doing enough, but she was also working part time, had teenage children at home.

Your DH's dad is in a safe place and being cared for. I think you can only do what you can. Living far away from family means it's not realistic to be visiting all the time.

DH visited his demented mum this week, drove there and back in one day took dd (16) with him - 150 miles away. He hadn't seen her for over a year. She had no idea who he was, but she did know that dd was someone she loved.

i know i should rtfl but has someone suggested he be moved closer to you? we moved my nan to town yes she hated it but to be honest she thought it was only temporary because she had fallen a few times and that her husband would be collecting her soon (he had been dead a long time by that point) dementia can be a blessing when moving them heartbreaking to see her get excited about going home soon and offering to buy me lunch for helping her out when she was well enough to go out but on the next visit i would have someone else's name i went over there every couple of days but her mind she saw me every day

Thing is, OPs dh has a sister who lives closer to the dad. If you move him, you put her in the same position OPs dh is in now.