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AIBU?

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Original poster

How often can we realistically visit father-in-law? Six hours each way.

119 replies

Coffeepot72 · 26/10/2015 11:06

I've tried really hard to try and think how I'd feel if it were my Dad in a nursing home - but I'm still unsure.

DH's Dad is in a nursing home, approx 6 hours drive from us. Yes, there are trains, but the journey would involve several changes, and the nearest station is quite a distance from the nursing home, so its more straightforward to drive.

Until recently, we'd visit every couple of months, driving up on Saturday, staying overnight in a Travelodge, and driving back on Sunday. It's hard going emotionally, not to mention the travel is very tiring too. And it's expensive.

FIL has deteriorated recently - he had dementia, he doesn't recognise DH, he doesn't even seem to know we are there, the nursing staff tell us this is quite normal with advanced dementia cases. This had made DH want to visit more regularly, he feels bad that his father is very poorly, literally hundreds of miles away.

And of course I understand this, it's only natural. But DH is now talking about visiting every couple of weeks. I work in retail and work most Saturdays, so if we want to go over a weekend I generally need to take a day's holiday. We don't go during the week as DH is self employed, and isn't earning if he isn't working. I don't like DH to go on his own, because he's not the best driver when he's tired and upset, so we usually split the driving.

FIL is in quite good shape physically, and could potentially live for quite a few more years yet - obviously I'm not wishing him to pass away, before anyone attacks me - but I just don't know what is a reasonable pattern of visiting. DH's sister lives near the nursing home and visits regularly, so its not like FIL doesn't get many visitors, but the thought of trying to manage such difficult/expensive visits every couple of weeks for the foreseeable future really worries me. And I feel bad if I try and point this out to DH.

Please don't flame me, I'd hate to see either of my parents in such poor health, and of course I'd want to visit if that were the case, but the distance and logistics is a real headache.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 26/10/2015 12:06

OP he wants to visit his dad but you won't let him drive himself there? Do you realise how controlling you sound?

roundandroundthehouses · 26/10/2015 12:06

It strikes me - and I mean this kindly, because as parents we all get used to doing this - you may have got into the habit of doing all the thinking for everybody.

Your dh wants to see his father more often - but you don't think it's a helpful thing, because of your FIL's condition. You may be right in the practical sense. But in the emotional sense, the amount that your dh wants to see of his Dad in his final years isn't your call to make. You don't want him to end up with regrets in the future, along the lines of: "I'd have visited Dad so much more often before he died, but Coffeepot wasn't happy about it." Remember that his visits may also be moral support for his sister.

Your dh isn't concerned about his driving, but you are. Again, that isn't your call to make. Similarly, if he doesn't want to take the train then he won't take the train.

The only thing that is your call is how often you want to go along with him. I agree that I wouldn't want to go so often, and so far. But your dh does, because it's his father.

Leelu6 · 26/10/2015 12:08

@ TheHouse

Agree that DH should be able to make the visits as often as he likes.

toastednutella · 26/10/2015 12:10

I would really consider moving him closer to you, if he is surrounded by his own belongings, the move really should not unsettle him too much

MajesticSeaFlapFlap · 26/10/2015 12:12

I get that you are anxious but thats your problem.

He CAN make the journey alone- as often as he likes, he is a grown man

RhodaBull · 26/10/2015 12:13

Those who say they'd move, or visit every day or move them in with them if it were their parents, have clearly never encountered a person with dementia. It's not a bit of absent-minded dottiness. It is a seizing up of the brain. It is double incontinence. It is no body clock so they're awake on and off 24 hours a day. And it is soul destroying visiting someone who hasn't a bloody clue who you are and gradually hasn't a clue who they themselves are and eventually just sits there slumped being spoon-fed slop whilst wearing a giant nappy.

And this can go on a long, long time. Mil has been in this state for three years. Physically she is quite healthy, and could live many years yet. Visiting mil takes half a day, and the visits have become less frequent. Dh feels badly, but to go every week or two for years would be a terrible drain.

Original poster
Coffeepot72 · 26/10/2015 12:14

I don't mean to sound controlling, but when DH is distracted, his driving isn't very good. So he's ok on the way there, but if he's upset on the way back, then he scares me.

OP posts:
sleepyhead · 26/10/2015 12:15

Your dh may be concerned about the emotional and practical burden on his sister - which is to his credit.

It's incredibly draining to be the one who does the bulk of the caring, even if that caring is visiting when the nursing home are taking care of the practical tasks.

When your loved one has dementia and can't advocate for themselves you can also find yourself feeling that you have to be there regularly to check that staff know the person is loved and cared for and to keep an eye on the quality of the care.

Your dh's visits maybe give his sister permission to take a break and have some more time to herself, or at least he feels he is shouldering some of that task.

Plus of course, he loves his dad and knows time with him is limited, even if that time doesn't have the quality that they both would have liked.

BarbarianMum · 26/10/2015 12:17

To those suggesting that the OP's dh stay with his sister to save money, yes lovely for him but how does the sister feel about it?

I am in the sister's position so am the B&B for relatives who want to visit my sick dad. On the ond hand it's nice to see them and it's lovely they visit, on the other it means I get a load more washing/cooking/cleaning/hosting and do the lion's share of the day to day visiting/supporting my parents. So please get your dh to be a thoughtful visitor OP, esp if it's going to be once a fortnight.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 26/10/2015 12:19

Rhoda It's a personal thing.

DP's grandad has dementia. It's bad. I am more than versed in how soul destroying it is to sit with someone who doesn't know who you are, or who they are, or what they were going to do.

But I like going. It's exhausting but I'm happier for doing it and I will miss him when he's gone.

If OP's DH found it a terrible drain and didn't want to go, that would be one thing, but he doesn't seem too and he does want to go more frequently, so he absolutely has to be allowed too. If the OP finds it a drain, she has the choice not to go, or if she really feels that he may kill himself driving back, to go but not to visit FIL every time. It's a choice. It might not be the choice that the OP wants, but its the one that she's got. She can accompany him as often as he wants to go, she can go sometimes and trust him not to drive if he's too upset on the other occasions, she can not go and allow him to drive himself like an adult. She can't suggest he goes less. That could well be unforgiveable when he does pass.

MatildaTheCat · 26/10/2015 12:19

Then he needs to visit his dad and then do something else to calm him before driving home. I would encourage your dh to keep plans quite fluid and not have a rigid timetable of visits.

You don't respond to the quite reasonable question of why not move him closer to you? From what you are saying it doesn't sound as if there are other relatives visiting him and he sounds beyond caring very much if it were well managed.

I hate to say that he could go on a fair bit longer and will inevitably suffer emergency illnesses which require extra visits off schedule.

Original poster
Coffeepot72 · 26/10/2015 12:19

Also, DH prefers it when I go with him to visit, its good to have moral support. I'm just trying to strike a balance between him visiting his Dad, and keeping life going at home/work. I'm sure there are lots of us in the same boat.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 26/10/2015 12:20

What do you think is reasonable, Coffeepot?

MatildaTheCat · 26/10/2015 12:21

Sorry, missed the sister which was plain to see. Blush

Fairenuff · 26/10/2015 12:21

if he's upset on the way back, then he scares me

That doesn't give you the right to tell him he can't drive himself OP! Either you go with him more often or let him go on his own. You can't have it both ways.

Imagine if a man came on here saying he wouldn't let his wife drive to see her mother because she was, in his opinion, a bad driver. He would be put in his place straight away. Same goes for you OP.

PerspicaciaTick · 26/10/2015 12:21

If your FiL will be entirely unaware of the visits, do you and your DH need to commit to a regular visiting schedule? Would it be possible for your DH to make that decision on a week by week basis, so sometimes he might feel the need to visit more frequently but at other times he might delay a trip? The problem with having fixed routines is that they can become a burden and a hook on which to hang a lot of guilt.

harshbuttrue1980 · 26/10/2015 12:22

YABU, and very controlling and selfish. How would you feel if your DH tried to restrict your visits if it was your parent who was unwell?? He only has one dad, and his dad was in his life long before you were! I would never put up with someone who tried to restrict my visits to my parents. Pull back from this controlling behaviour, or he may decide he's had enough. Let him go on his own. He would probably prefer to go alone anyway, and make the most of his time with his dad.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 26/10/2015 12:23

If he wants to go regularly then he can. And he'll have to accept that you cannot always join him.

Equally...you cannot dictate his visits to his Dad.

MajesticSeaFlapFlap · 26/10/2015 12:23

You make it found like he shouldn't hold a licence op.

MatildaTheCat · 26/10/2015 12:23

Yes there are which is why it is better to be flexible. If he wants to go more often let him ( see above re doing a calming activity before driving home). You can go along when you are able to.

If he stays with his sister perhaps send along a meal sometimes. I, too am the family hotel and it's hard work and expensive.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 26/10/2015 12:24

Perspicacia that is not true. You don't know it....some (many) Dementia patients have short moments of clarity and the thing that keeps them coming is familiar people and things.

Twinkie1 · 26/10/2015 12:24

Can't he go on his own and stay at his sisters?

PerspicaciaTick · 26/10/2015 12:32

TheHouse - that was in response to the OP saying "Due to FIL's dementia, he's no longer aware of what is going on around him, he doesn't respond to the nurses or visitors". My initial post assumed that he was possibly having moments of clarity.
When my DG started to become ill, it was very important that we had fixed routines which he could rely on. But as him become sicker, he was less aware of the passing of time and didn't understand when we had last visited him or when we planned to visit him next. So scheduling our visits could become more flexible without causing the same sort of distress.

ohtheholidays · 26/10/2015 12:33

Could he go once a month on his own but by train OP?I get why your worried about him going on his own when you mentioned what his driving can be like and then once a month maybe you could go with him and drive there and back.

That way he'd get to see his Dad twice a month.With your work if it's going to need to be a regular thing could you ask work if you could change your Saturday to a day in the week,I'd explain what's going on,they can only say no so I think it'd be worth a try.

MrsJorahMormont · 26/10/2015 12:44

The best thing would be for DH to get the train and stay with DSIS once a month. At this stage people with dementia can deteriorate very quickly over a few weeks and months so try and encourage your DH to see his father while he has time.

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