Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How often can we realistically visit father-in-law? Six hours each way.

119 replies

Coffeepot72 · 26/10/2015 11:06

I've tried really hard to try and think how I'd feel if it were my Dad in a nursing home - but I'm still unsure.

DH's Dad is in a nursing home, approx 6 hours drive from us. Yes, there are trains, but the journey would involve several changes, and the nearest station is quite a distance from the nursing home, so its more straightforward to drive.

Until recently, we'd visit every couple of months, driving up on Saturday, staying overnight in a Travelodge, and driving back on Sunday. It's hard going emotionally, not to mention the travel is very tiring too. And it's expensive.

FIL has deteriorated recently - he had dementia, he doesn't recognise DH, he doesn't even seem to know we are there, the nursing staff tell us this is quite normal with advanced dementia cases. This had made DH want to visit more regularly, he feels bad that his father is very poorly, literally hundreds of miles away.

And of course I understand this, it's only natural. But DH is now talking about visiting every couple of weeks. I work in retail and work most Saturdays, so if we want to go over a weekend I generally need to take a day's holiday. We don't go during the week as DH is self employed, and isn't earning if he isn't working. I don't like DH to go on his own, because he's not the best driver when he's tired and upset, so we usually split the driving.

FIL is in quite good shape physically, and could potentially live for quite a few more years yet - obviously I'm not wishing him to pass away, before anyone attacks me - but I just don't know what is a reasonable pattern of visiting. DH's sister lives near the nursing home and visits regularly, so its not like FIL doesn't get many visitors, but the thought of trying to manage such difficult/expensive visits every couple of weeks for the foreseeable future really worries me. And I feel bad if I try and point this out to DH.

Please don't flame me, I'd hate to see either of my parents in such poor health, and of course I'd want to visit if that were the case, but the distance and logistics is a real headache.

OP posts:
MrsJorahMormont · 26/10/2015 12:44

It is bloody hard though Thanks

KitKat1985 · 26/10/2015 12:45

I work with people with advanced dementia so can empathise with how difficult this is. I quite often say to relatives 'this is a marathon, not a sprint' when they come up with plans of visiting / looking after relatives. That's to say you need to pace yourself and come up with a visiting schedule that isn't going to knacker you senseless, because as you rightly say if your FIL is in good health physically he may well be around for years yet, but his mental state is only going to deteriorate in this time. I think the most workable options in your situation (assuming moving FIL closer top you isn't possible because SIL wants to keep him nearby is):

  1. Let your DH go on his own sometimes. If travelling is an issue for him then maybe look into trains etc? Or staying at his sisters (if obviously she doesn't mind)?
  2. Compromise and go with him monthly (as a meeting halfway on every couple of weeks or every couple of months)?
  3. Increase contact in other ways. Could you talk more with FIL on the phone or send letters / pictures more regularly?
Jux · 26/10/2015 12:45

He wants to go every couple of weeks, you think that he isn't capable of going on his own.

You don't want to go so often - probably can't as it would use up all your holiday.

He won't go during the week because that impacts on his earnings.

He is a grown up, so are you.

One of you is going to have to give a bit. How about you go according to your normal days off and he catches up on his work on the Saturday when you too are working?

If he won't do that, then he has to go on his own.

AdjustableWench · 26/10/2015 12:50

It sounds very stressful and difficult, and the kind of situation where there's no obvious way through it that will suit everyone.

I understand your concerns about your DH's driving - most people do not do their best driving when they're tired, upset and distracted, especially over long distances.

Despite that, you might have to find ways to manage your own stress about the long drive, because I don't think you'll be able to persuade your DH to visit less often than he wants to. On the other hand, if he visits on his own a bit more often, he might well come to the conclusion that it's too tiring to keep up, and revert to a more manageable frequency.

Sorry, I'm not much help here. It's an impossible situation. I hope you and your DH manage to find a solution that works for both of you.

Littlef00t · 26/10/2015 12:51

My instinct was monthly. If he doesn't even recognise visitors, then the visiting is to make your DH feel better, as without meaning to be brutal, it is unlikely they bring much enjoyment for your FIL any more.

Its unfair of your DH to put his dad before you as his family.

WhispersOfWickedness · 26/10/2015 12:58

Totally agree with houses. If you don't want to visit as often, don't go. DH is an adult, so up to him if he is capable of driving. You can't stop him going just because you don't trust him to drive.

RB68 · 26/10/2015 13:04

This is also partly a grieving process isn't it? FIL is no longer there as your DH knew him and he is trying to stay connected. The instinct is to go as often as you can, but the marathon comment is saying make it manageable for the long term.

SO a compromise might be 6 weeks of every two weeks then push out to 3 weeks for a while then 4 weeks, keep the communication up between you and bear in mind it may mean hubby has a day off on the Monday every few weeks for the short term if you are working the sat.

My parents are a good 2.5 hrs away so I would struggle if I had to do that run every other week never mind 6 hrs each way. I would also consider moving him if SIL is Ok with that as well, although good homes are hard t find so if it is good I would also consider leaving as is at the moment.

NumbBlaseCold · 26/10/2015 13:17

I would suggest if you do want to visit more then DH does not work that day of the week and instead works on the saturday as you do.

That way he does not lose money and you don't lose annual leave.

Can FIL not be moved to a home closer to you?

TheBunnyOfDoom · 26/10/2015 13:27

I don't really think it's upto you. If he wants to go and see his dad, he can do that. Whether is driving upsets you/worries you is neither here nor there. He's a grown man and his dad his sick - if he wants to go, what right do you have to say no?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 26/10/2015 13:30

It's difficult, especially with Christmas coming as presumably a very dim view will be taken by your employer when you ask for Saturday's off ?

I'd take a pre-Christmas and a post Christmas view and aim to join him once a month or every 6 weeks if you can talk him into a 3 weekly visit.

If DHs sister lives near to the nursing home is it not an option for him to camp at hers if he goes solo?

One option is that he does an early start on a Friday and gets to hers for midnight or so on Friday night. Visits on Saturday and returns home in the evening. Or heads up at the crack of dawn on Saturday and returns Sunday.

Is there a Citycarclub or Zipcar service anywhere near to the local train station ?

I've been in this position with DH's terminally ill father but not this sort of distance. We made a weekly 4 hr round trip for weekend visits for 4-6 months. It was v rare that we skipped a weekend but he did not have dementia. From my perspective I thought it was/is really important not to have regrets. Firstly you need to let him adjust to the idea that his parent is dying and in this case, is simply a shell of the parent he knew.

Could you arrange to have Monday's off and travel up on a Saturday night, returning v late on a Sunday with you doing the driving so DH is "fresh" for Monday morning.

A lot depends on whether or not you have children as your options are even more limited then esp if DH usually has the children while you work on a Saturday.

lexigrey · 26/10/2015 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GruntledOne · 26/10/2015 13:39

People who suggest OP is being controlling just because she doesn't want her DP to risk driving when his driving will be impaired are being ridiculous. She's not suggesting that she would forbid him or anything like that, and it is perfectly clear from her posts that she is putting her DH's wishes first.

OP, could you arrange it so that when he goes up on his own you drive him to, say, the first station where he would have to change trains if he were doing the whole journey by train? And that maybe you drive with him say every 6 weeks or two months?

I suspect that as time goes on your DH will decide to cut back on the visits anyway so it may be a short term arrangement.

notquitehuman · 26/10/2015 13:45

I don't have many suggestions for your general situation, but could DH get work done on the drive there and back? I used to freelance and with a wireless dongle could get about 90% of my work done on the laptop, which was great on road trips as no wasted time. Anyway, just a thought. Good luck with everything. Sending you lots of virtual Flowers because it sounds tough.

Original poster
Coffeepot72 · 26/10/2015 13:52

No, I certainly wouldn't forbid DH from visiting, that's not why I posted! Its about helping DH strike a balance at a difficult time in his life. I spoke to DH about an hour ago, there's no discord between us on this subject, not in the slightest, and he insists he would always prefer it if I accompanied him (irrespective of whether we are driving or taking the train) on visits.

OP posts:
TheBunnyOfDoom · 26/10/2015 13:54

Well, if he wants you to accompany him, he needs to accept he can't go that often. You can't keep taking Saturdays off work, especially on the run-up to Christmas, so going every other week (with you, anyway) isn't going to be possible.

Original poster
Coffeepot72 · 26/10/2015 13:57

He DOES accept that, its just that he struggles with his conscience. He'd like to be visiting every two weeks, but we just can't make it happen. I posted to see what MN posters thought would be a reasonable visiting frequency under the circumstances.

OP posts:
Muckogy · 26/10/2015 13:59

i would leave DH go there alone rather than accompanying him.

he'll just have to learn to be more careful driving, in future.
sorry - but he sounds a bit immature. if he's not able to handle a vehicle when he's upset then he should wait till he feels better before he gets behind the wheel. as a car driver, he has a responsibility to drive safely for his own sake and that of others on the road.

you can't be expected to be dragged along each and every time he wants to see his dad. that's not fair on you.
sorry for your FIL of course, that's awful. but you don't have to tag along all the time to see him.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 26/10/2015 14:04

Well, what's reasonable depends on circumstances. Like you, I work retail and my parents are six hours away. If something were to happen, I wouldn't be able to drop everything and visit them every weekend because I work. Your DH needs to either go less often but have you accompany him each time, or go regularly but accept that you need to work and can't use all your holiday to accompany him.

I don't really see that there's another option.

Original poster
Coffeepot72 · 26/10/2015 14:10

The other issue, which has arisen within the last couple of hours, is that DH has just successfully secured quite a big contract for his business, and this requires completion before Christmas. He realises he simply can't deliver the contract AND make fortnightly trips. In practical terms he's right, but I know he'll struggle with his conscience. But he needs this contract for the future of his business.

I'm not expecting any magic solutions to this, i don't think there are any rights or wrongs.

OP posts:
LadyShirazz · 26/10/2015 14:12

How would he respond if you put the 'marathon not a sprint' phrase to him...?

I have been caring for my MIL, who has dementia, for the last five years. She's nowhere near as bad as the OP's FIL yet (thank God), but every visit, every nice place we take her to etc (and there are several a week) is erased from her mind as soon as she's home again.

I'm not saying at all that there is not still value in visiting and doing nice things with her, as in the present at least she can still derive some enjoyment out of that - which is what makes it worthwhile, iyswim.

I understand your DP's loyalty, but what he is proposing is basically running himself (and you by proxy) into the ground by this - and, realistically, for what?? For someone who is too far gone to even recognise him, let alone ever remember he's been... If / when MIL is at this point, we would not do then what we are doing now, or at least not so frequently - the balance between stress on us and enjoyment for her just wouldn't weigh up. We'd visit regularly, but not so much that this horrible illness puts even more strain on our marriage than it already has...

Once a month seems the right balance to me - still doing right by his DF, but at a more sustainable level. He could be doing this for a while...

Reading back that sounds harsh.

GruntledOne · 26/10/2015 14:14

Can you discuss this with DH on the basis of what FIL would want if he didn't have dementia? I suspect that he would tell your DH that of course you shouldn't be doing that journey every fortnight when the reality is that the person he's visiting will be unaware of him, that you shouldn't have to use up all your holiday on this and that he certainly shouldn't put his contract at risk. He really has no choice but to prioritise the contract, so how about arranging one visit before Christmas and then reviewing the situation?

Original poster
Coffeepot72 · 26/10/2015 14:16

I understand your DP's loyalty, but what he is proposing is basically running himself (and you by proxy) into the ground by this - and realistically, what for? For someone too far gone to recognise him, let alone ever remember he's been?

Ladyshiraz, this is EXACTLY what the girls at work have said. And yes, it's a bit harsh, but its true.

OP posts:
HackerFucker22 · 26/10/2015 14:16

If your DH is that bad a driver maybe he shouldn't be on the road?

How badly can being upset really affect someone's driving?

I am not minimising how upsetting it is OP, but I am genuinely asking about the affects on driving.

ShortandSweeter · 26/10/2015 14:16

I think every 2 weeks seems reasonable. You could let him go by himself, of course.

GruntledOne · 26/10/2015 14:17

My brother is in a similar-ish position to your DP. He lives around 120 miles away, our mother has early dementia and he visits around once a month because that is the maximum he can manage. I live nearby and see her at least once a week and sort out all the day to day issues for her. My mother is fine with that, in fact she worries that he comes up as often as that because of the expense and time involved. I suspect your FIL would feel the same if he was fully aware of what is happening.