How often can we realistically visit father-in-law? Six hours each way.

[Coffeepot72]

I've tried really hard to try and think how I'd feel if it were my Dad in a nursing home - but I'm still unsure.

DH's Dad is in a nursing home, approx 6 hours drive from us. Yes, there are trains, but the journey would involve several changes, and the nearest station is quite a distance from the nursing home, so its more straightforward to drive.

Until recently, we'd visit every couple of months, driving up on Saturday, staying overnight in a Travelodge, and driving back on Sunday. It's hard going emotionally, not to mention the travel is very tiring too. And it's expensive.

FIL has deteriorated recently - he had dementia, he doesn't recognise DH, he doesn't even seem to know we are there, the nursing staff tell us this is quite normal with advanced dementia cases. This had made DH want to visit more regularly, he feels bad that his father is very poorly, literally hundreds of miles away.

And of course I understand this, it's only natural. But DH is now talking about visiting every couple of weeks. I work in retail and work most Saturdays, so if we want to go over a weekend I generally need to take a day's holiday. We don't go during the week as DH is self employed, and isn't earning if he isn't working. I don't like DH to go on his own, because he's not the best driver when he's tired and upset, so we usually split the driving.

FIL is in quite good shape physically, and could potentially live for quite a few more years yet - obviously I'm not wishing him to pass away, before anyone attacks me - but I just don't know what is a reasonable pattern of visiting. DH's sister lives near the nursing home and visits regularly, so its not like FIL doesn't get many visitors, but the thought of trying to manage such difficult/expensive visits every couple of weeks for the foreseeable future really worries me. And I feel bad if I try and point this out to DH.

Please don't flame me, I'd hate to see either of my parents in such poor health, and of course I'd want to visit if that were the case, but the distance and logistics is a real headache.

This is really difficult, I know. I am in the same situation, but it is my DF in that state, who doesn't recognise me, or register my presence. He is an empty shell. And before anyone takes against that comment, I know my dad better than anyone else, and I know he is an empty shell and his soul is far away. He would not get anything out of me visiting every two weeks. In fact I haven't' been since May and I don't feel guilty about that. I am planning a visit in the next two weeks.

I know it is upsetting and that the drive there and back is hard, so I'm not surprised you worry about your DH doing the drive alone. 6 hours is a long way every 2 weeks.

Also, I would not dream of attacking you for wanting it all to be over. I had a schoolfriend die suddenly last weekend at the age of 40, leaving three little boys. If I could have swapped my dear dad's life for hers, I would :(

YANBU

This is one of those MN threads where the lunatics have taken over the asylum.

How badly can being upset really affect someone's driving?

Do you drive? A 6 hour drive back from a fucking awful experience is going to affect most people. They won't be concentrating on the road, they'll be running over what has happened and what may happen in their head over & over. I wouldn't fancy it personally...

I nearly had an accident whilst driving back from the vets, when a much-loved pet had been put to sleep. I was too upset to concentrate.

2 weeks seems very frequently but your DH seems upset by once a month - probably because talking in terms of months is more emotive.

You could suggest that he visits every 3 weeks. On the first visit he gets the train or a coach on his own and then the next you can drive together.

If you alternate like this you'll only have to go every 6 weeks and it will be a fair compromise for both of you.

My grandmother died three weeks ago - she had advanced dementia and was in a home too. We all visited, she had visitors once or twice a fortnight, but it could be a couple of months between each person going towards the end. When she started her final decline, everyone made sure to visit more often and she was surrounded by her family at "the end", despite her not having the foggiest what was going on or who we were. Without wanting to sound dickish, once she got to the point that she didn't even recognise her own daughter, and visits would last all of 5 minutes (DGM would wander off and not return, and we'd have a catch up with her key worker, who spoke weekly to my mum), it was hard to see the point of still going. It was heartbreaking seeing her change.

Not sure what the moral of that tale is, but that's our experience.

Sorry your DH's dad is so ill Dementia is shit.

Are there no regional airports, he could fly and do it as a day trip .

I like the idea that DH goes every 3 weeks and you go every other visit. On your 'off' visits DH takes train or coach and stays at his sisters.

Not sure what the moral of that tale is

My take would be from your experience is that the visits are more for yourself rather than for the person with dementia when it gets to advanced stage. Beyond going reasonably regularly to check on welfare, you are visiting to make yourself feel better if the person being visited hasn't got a clue.

FFS she is not controlling or selfish. Stop being such a fucking bitch. That's a horrible thing to say to a woman who is worried for her dh's safety.

OP, I would go less rather than more. I can't see the point of frequent trips to see someone who doesn't even recognise you. I think once a month is reasonable and I don't think it is sustainable to use up all your holiday to do this. This situation could go on for years and you are not selfish if you want to spend some of your time actually living your own life. I understand your dh's feelings but he is a husband as well a son and he cannot reasonably expect you to sacrifice your whole life to this.

Would your fil even want this for your dh?

You sound a bit dramatic about him driving.

I think you need to unclench and let him go on his own. He goes fortnightly, you go with him every other time.

Stop being such a fucking bitch

Who is that personal attack aimed at LetGo?

Haven't rtwt sorry.

Dementia is fucking awful and ime visits are often more for the relatives than the person with dementia themselves. I fully understand why your dh wants to go more often, though I suspect it is very very hard for him and there are probably lots of times that he actually doesn't want to go. Sitting with a much loved person who you've known your whole life and yet doesn't know you is so soul destroying. Your dh has my deepest sympathy as I well remember how hard my dad found it to visit my nan - and she was at a home in the same city.

Can you suggest a compromise and go once a month? I really think he needs to do this for his own mental well being but I understand and recognise the barriers you describe to going every fortnight. If once a month doesn't work then I would seriously consider him going alone.

My mum has dementia - she doesn't know who I am, and takes no pleasure from my visit. So driving 'just' the 4 hour round trip to go and sit and talk at her - actually she often walks off- is something done only for me.

OP, I'd say that once every 8 weeks is enough considering the distance. It can indeed go on for years, and in that time your dp needs to have a life and relationship himself, not sacrifice it all to someone who couldn't care less.

I find people incredibly judgemental on this sort of thing, with statements about 'how they'd give anything to have their mum back'. Only those with a parent with dementia (grandparents aren't the same, I thought I understood as mums mum had it too, but I so didn't) get what its like.

I think it's up to your husband and not for you to second-guess or interfere in. He's a grown man and he can decide if he's capable of making the drive or not. Six hours doesn't really seem a long drive to me, anyway.

It's very commendable of him to want to do something that many people shirk. And I can 100 percent guarantee you that if he feels thwarted from going, and then his father dies, the remorse he will suffer at (in his mind) a paucity of visits will be far worse and irreparable than the inconvenience to family life while the father is alive.

I work in care. If there is no special reason for f-i-l to be at that particular home would it not make sense to change homes and have him live nearer you? It might be worth discussing this with your own Social Services "adult help desk" . Due to the other problems my gut instinct would be to visit every 4 weeks. If DH stayed over he would be composed by the time he had to return home, surely? I wonder whether the present difficulties are down to the new deterioration in f-I-l's state of health. Your DH may come to think visiting less often would be OK if it has now got to the point his father does not recognise him.

In all honesty Coffeepot, you've had a rough ride on this thread.

FWIW, I think monthly is fine. I think fortnightly is fine too. I can fully understand why your DH wants you to go with him. And vice versa.

Now is the time to be logical. If you work in retail, I assume that November and December are very busy. You have stated that your DH has lots of work on too. My DH is a freelancer and I know exactly how one job leads to the next etc.

So how about every 3 weeks for now? Assuming you can get the time off work. It might also be worth looking at coach services in case that is an option for DH to go on his own.

Once every 8 weeks?!

I think once every 3 weeks would be fine. Gives you two weekends off each time, but isn't quite as distant as monthly, which is only 12 visits a year at the end of the day.

I agree with Lea that if he doesn't feel he's going enough, that will make grieving much, much harder when his father dies. He will feel a lot of remorse over that.

Could you maybe drive up Friday evening, see FIL Saturday daytime, do something nice together Saturday evening, drive back Sunday morning?

How can people be saying that a 6-hour drive is not too long? The last time I did a drive of that length I was done for for two days, my back and legs ached (it was very traffic-jammy).

Agree that with a dementia patient, you are only visiting to salve your own conscience, at least that's why dh visits. Mil has no idea who anyone is, not even herself, and if you ask fil if anyone's visited, he always reels off a list of who's been today (when no one has been for weeks). Last time he told me the Kray twins had visited him

Fortnightly visits are unreasonable in my opinion given the restrictions due to work and the vast distance involved - especially given that this could go on for a couple of years. You will run yourselves in to the ground and struggle to keep up with things at home.

My own DM was widowed 2 years ago. She is 86, frail and lives alone with carers and neighbours calling on her. We live 1 1/2 hours away, DB1 is a similar distance and DB2 is a 5 hour drive. Me and DB1 visit every 2 - 3 weeks, DB2 visits every few months. Our own very busy and restricting lives dictate how much time it is reasonable to commit to visiting DM and even at that frequency I am struggling. DM would like us to visit more often but it isn't possible. She and my DF (when he was alive) refused to move nearer to us and I feel that when elderly relatives live away from the family they have to accept that children will visit less often, and I think the children have to come to terms with the fact that they can't be there all the time.

My ILs took the decision to move 4 hours away from us but are near one of their sons (but further than they were previously from the other 2). They are now 87 & 90 and we only see them twice a year (in fact I have only been once this year as DD was ill and couldn't go, so I stayed at home whilst DH & DS visited). We acknowledge that they are old and that every visit could be the last time we see them but we really cannot factor in any more visits - obviously if we got a call to say one of them was on their death bed we would drop everything and go - but as a regular visit we can't do more.

What I am trying to say OP is that we each have to do what is realistic for our circumstances and accept that much as we would like to do more, it is not always possible and can be detrimental to our own health to do otherwise. Your DH needs to keep his work going to keep a roof over your heads, you need to fulfil your work committments too and you needs to take time for yourselves too.

I applaud those of you who think they could keep up this fortnightly regime for anything up to a couple of years. I know I couldn't without running myself into the ground - and I'm fit and healthy and intend to stay that way.

I agree with bigbluebus.

If dh is feeling really bad, could you perhaps organise to go for a few days at a time far less often? This would also enable dh's sister to have a break from the routine/responsibility. And would maximise the productive time with such a long drive?

For people who are saying that once every 3 weeks is fine...you seem to be missing the point. Going every 3 weeks may well be fine for the OP, in which case she should go every 3 weeks. However, if the DH wants to visit his own blood relative every 2 weeks, every week or however often HE wants, that is up to him!!! I agree that every month may well be fine for someone to visit their FIL, but if DH doesn't feel it is enough, then the OP has NO right to prevent her DH spending time with his family!!!

If a woman posted on here saying that her DH was trying to restrict her access to her family, everyone would be crying abuse. In my mind, no one has the right to control the life of someone else, even if married. The DH sounds like a loving and caring man, and the OP may be in danger of pushing him away due to her selfishness. Let him go alone!!!

fairenuff, it was to harshbuttrue and any other poster who has called her controlling and or selfish for not wanting to spend her whole life visiting a man who doesn't recognise his son anymore or for daring to be concerned about her dh's safety driving when he is upset.

But the point is the OP's DH wants to go every two weeks and have her accompany him at all times so she does get to have a say in how often she thinks is reasonable as it also impacts her job

The DH may not be seeing the wood for the trees due to understandable emotional investment with his father but I think given he has advanced dementia every 2 months is not unreasonable giving the vast distances. Living with advanced dementia in the case of my GM, yes they have moments of clarity but this is mainly in a sea of confusion and they lose all perception of the real passage of time

People have said "what if it was your father" to the OP - well, what if it was? What if she has relatives to visit as well, or an illness, it gets pregnant - how will anything else be fitted in with all the visits?