Lactulose Destroys Marriages (light-farted)

[LoveAndHate]

What a shower of shit this stuff is. I'm six months pregnant with bowel emissions of breeze block. My arse bleeds from the chafed fissures being grazed by titanic turds of granite slowly - excruciatingly - shifting down my rectum until they slump defiantly - Jedi-like - over my botty opening.

'Ooo, try Lactulose', says, like, everyone. I've swallowed this evil tincture morning and night for the past 48 hours and the only result is a marriage on the verge of breakdown due to my grotesque flatulence. I'm currently sat in bed with a super-sized box of Swan matches trying to rid my room of the smell of fermented eggs. My husband's eyes are watering. He keeps yelping: 'What the fuck!' and 'Why haven't you crapped yet??!' My daughter is screaming in the next room and threatening to leave home. She's 19 months-old.

My bottom hurts from the velocity of wind firing out every three seconds. I'm choking in a fug of rancid poo-pong....but still no blessed smooth turd evacuation

AIBU to think this is eight quid down the drain (which is where my shit should be going instead)?

Aw if you weren't pg I'd say eat a green banana, always brings on a pebble dash episode. Can't tell you what to take as I'm not a Dr but for Gods sake stop suffocating the OH, you may need him for future use. Also keep those matches away from your bum you can set fire to farts you know!
Senna is good for unbunging but again not sure if you're allowed to take them.
Anyway hope a medical Mner will soon be along to advise you.
Turds can be hard buggers to shift I know but do the decent thing and send OH to sleep on sofa. Then you can fart with impunity.
Yanbh def eight quid down the drain, well its not down the toilet is it.

I remember that stuff... i had to use it after DD1 (4th degree tear). i can remember crying and telling DP that i wouldn't be able to go back to work because my farts were too smelly...

Ugh. It's just hideous, isn't it? Sugar, if we had a spare room, love, I'd send him to it

Senna is Not Allowed, apparently. Something about it travelling through to the baby via the umbilical cord? I don't know, but I know what the problem is: dihydrocodeine. I'm on it for SPD

Will you marry me? Seriously, if your DH leaves you because of your farts, I will have you!

Have your tried (don't hate me) the organic ones? Prunes, figs, senna,etc?

good luck, and hope you shit a brick very soon!

But, fatmomma, I smell like the inside of my wheelie bin on the morning of collection day when my empty trays of chicken fillets have leaked their slimy flotsam all down the sides for the past fortnight. Why would you want to be betrothed to that?

Orange juice and lots of it! I mean like a whole carton through the day you will get tummy ache but it should make you go! Lactolose works by softening the stool see if you can buy movicol from the pharmacy my 7 week old baby hadn't gone for 20 days some movicol and a suppository worked magic! How pregnant are you? I think the concern is an upset tummy could potentially start early labour. Hope you don't suffocate your DH they are useful with a new born ha!

What a charming vignette.

You need to bring out the big guns, as it were. None of that lactulose nonsense. Get a proper poo pill.

Can you decamp to the sofa for a bit?
at smelling like a fortnight old wheelie bin!

Fresh apple juice really gets things moving for me FYI!

Lactulose worked for me. I drank loads of water with it though.
First time I took it, I overdosed. 30ml instead of 15ml. Followed the procedure and got medical advice - called 111. I could hear nurse smiling at my stupidity.
But. That was one amazing shit, I tell you. I enjoyed every second of it and the memory of it still brings tears to my eyes.

Will try the juice. Will Aldi 6p-a-carton do?

Love the word vignette. So underused.

Cake, we have a faux-leather sofa and it seems to sort of collect my fart particles throughout the evening and then unleash them when I go to make a brew. It's like a spectre of my arse has been left in front of the telly.

I'm still up for this relationship if you are!

(That means 'I do' in flatulingo).

Is this really my Mumsnet? Really?
I've read to the end, have we forgotten everything traditional and good? Ffs.

Fine. I shall remind you.

What is Friday night?
Bumsex night.
You're welcome.
...I'd do it in the bathroom though because, well you think it's bad now? You poor as yet unsullied soul. But you'll poo. For sure.

You can try raising your feet while you're sitting on the loo, and also massaging your perineum.

I hesitate to suggest this, because I don't know if it's safe for use during pregnancy, but glycerin suppositories sorted my constipation out a treat when I had it on chemo. If the problem is at the lower end, only a huge amount of lactulose (~45ml) is going to sort it out. Keep hydrated, Love, hope you find something that works for you.

Thank you, all of you.

Just one question, Bernard: what is 'sex'?

Actually, I have another: Shadow, isn't a perineum a flower that comes back year after year?

I think you're thinking of a periwinkle, Love

Are you having to talke 15mg 3 times a day? I found reducing the doses but spreading them out was better to stop the pain and farts.
If you can take it i did just up the dose

The stuff is bloody horrible ( cannot stand syrup!) but it does work.

I hear of so many people recommending lactulose.

Yet, I don't recall anyone ever saying it works!

One thing that gets me in the bathroom is liquorice. Although it does make turds look black..... and shifting the skids can be, well, not easy

I was told to take 3 x teaspoons twice a day. I ignored this advice and just drink it from the neck of the bottle, like a wino. This is how bad the situation is. It's not working

OK, so it works for one person.

As far as orange juice goes, it's reminded me of a friend who ate several oranges a day when she was pg, to try and avoid constipation. But she wasn't on anything for SPD, so this might not be so helpful after all.

Euuuuurgh! I hate liquorice!

You know what? That lady who has started a thread wailing she is awaiting evacuation in Mexico......?

I have to give the stuff to the cat.

Explains the weird smell in the kitchen after she's been penned in there overnight.

And the evil hate rays emanating from the cat.

DH was on codeine, once. Lactulose didn't help, so I called the Dr. He spoke bracingly of 'lighting the touch-paper' and gave DH something called Laxido.

It sounds like a superhero and in a way, it was.