What a shower of shit this stuff is. I'm six months pregnant with bowel emissions of breeze block. My arse bleeds from the chafed fissures being grazed by titanic turds of granite slowly - excruciatingly - shifting down my rectum until they slump defiantly - Jedi-like - over my botty opening.
'Ooo, try Lactulose', says, like, everyone. I've swallowed this evil tincture morning and night for the past 48 hours and the only result is a marriage on the verge of breakdown due to my grotesque flatulence. I'm currently sat in bed with a super-sized box of Swan matches trying to rid my room of the smell of fermented eggs. My husband's eyes are watering. He keeps yelping: 'What the fuck!' and 'Why haven't you crapped yet??!' My daughter is screaming in the next room and threatening to leave home. She's 19 months-old.
My bottom hurts from the velocity of wind firing out every three seconds. I'm choking in a fug of rancid poo-pong....but still no blessed smooth turd evacuation 
AIBU to think this is eight quid down the drain (which is where my shit should be going instead)?