Lactulose Destroys Marriages (light-farted)

[LoveAndHate]

What a shower of shit this stuff is. I'm six months pregnant with bowel emissions of breeze block. My arse bleeds from the chafed fissures being grazed by titanic turds of granite slowly - excruciatingly - shifting down my rectum until they slump defiantly - Jedi-like - over my botty opening.

'Ooo, try Lactulose', says, like, everyone. I've swallowed this evil tincture morning and night for the past 48 hours and the only result is a marriage on the verge of breakdown due to my grotesque flatulence. I'm currently sat in bed with a super-sized box of Swan matches trying to rid my room of the smell of fermented eggs. My husband's eyes are watering. He keeps yelping: 'What the fuck!' and 'Why haven't you crapped yet??!' My daughter is screaming in the next room and threatening to leave home. She's 19 months-old.

My bottom hurts from the velocity of wind firing out every three seconds. I'm choking in a fug of rancid poo-pong....but still no blessed smooth turd evacuation

AIBU to think this is eight quid down the drain (which is where my shit should be going instead)?

DS has had a bowel issue since he started eating solids, but has largely grown out of it now.

Dr prescribed Movicol (paediatric version) and it worked wonders for him.

So, when my late MIL was having constipation during chemo, and said the lactulose wasn't working, I happened to mention this. She went and got some from the docs.

Only it wasn't the paediatric version but the full blown adult version.

I got a phone call from a shocked MIL. Seems it had worked very well... yes, I got chapter and verse. But she did have a chuckle herself later on

I've spent many a fragrant afternoon with my fingers up a cat's bum administering a soapy enema to get things moving. Poor furry bastards.

It works though. The poop hits the tray with a 'plink, plinkplink'. Most satisfying.

Hosepipe?

(... For context, I work in a vets, I'm not some sort of feline water-bomb making psychopath)

Dried apricots are your friends.

Dried mango. Lots of it. We were at a sporting event and DS ate a whole bag. It hit him like a giant anal vacuum cleaner and he barely made it to the porta- pot. Poor kid.

I've had that fucking constipation due to hydrocodone and it's a true bitch. Plugs you up like a nun's cunny. I think I drank a whole bottle of Milk of Mag (which IIRC is NOT pregnancy safe). Got the gut cramps and the chilly-shakes, but by God, it was the most satisfying shit of my life. And as a Coeliac, I've had some epic shits!

Good luck OP.

You are going to have to manually evacuate. Gloves on, lube, finger(s) in!

Get DH or Fatmomma99 to do it

Very appropriate user name for this thread and for your advice, BumWad!

It worked for me post birth. I also overdosed like a PP and rang the labour ward because I had green diarrhoea. Iron tablets caused the green. Wish they'd just told me that.

Oh, you're all so funny

I just awoke to find..erm...a certain grimness in my underwear where my slumbering farts have spat out their chorus in the night

Have you tried Andrews liver salts? Not sure if they are pregnancy safe but my mum is a fan of what she calls a Good Clear Out. A teaspoon morning and night for a few days ought to scour out your insides help

Well, what can I say. You have cheered me up no end. On Tuesday this was me, I stank , well not really I STANK the whole house out, I am still getting whiffs of it now.

Moving day was Friday (no bum sex involved) and I swear at first I thought I was giving birth (35 weeks here). Oh the relief and joy. I opened the windows and dh said why is it so cold, mustn't have smelt that bad.

Good luck thanks for cheering making me laugh. Have you tried the sudocream around your bum hole and a little bit inside, I remem doing this for ds when he was very small.

Soap up the bum helps, one of my friends swears by it, she seems to do this frequently. I would have thought orange juice and lots of it, especially the one with the bits in it.

When I was pregnant with pfb I ended up in casualty after going 3 weeks without a poo! Agony! They gave me an enema and laxiberal (sodium picosulphate) to take at home. I had tried EVERYTHING ! lactulose, prune juice, prunes, double doses of over the counter laxatives. NOTHING worked. Good luck!

I had a constipation episode at about 10 weeks pregnant. It was awful, Id say it was my Vietnam. The doctor prescribed me movicol, I took two sachets with a prune juice chaser. The resulting poo was remarkable, it was the texture of not quite dry concrete. I know this because it blocked the toilet and I had to fish it out. Not the best day.

Am now 37 weeks and crapping through the eye of needle 3 x a day.

You've wafted me back to my post-birth days. Misty toilet coloured memories......

I found prune juice much better. Its rank though but if you drink it through a straw really quickly you don't taste it too much.

Tbh I'd never just use Lactulose for constipation - prune juice or Movicol all the way. Lactulose just isn't strong enough for a case like yours!

The fissures are horrendous though. Even when things move its like passing concrete through a raw wound. I had to get a prescription for glycerin suppositories just to provide some slippage. It was worse than giving birth!

I remember the farts I did on the post natal ward after DD was born. Huge, cheek-flapping, gusty, sulphur-scented zephyrs from Hell. They were so smelly, and so so noisy, and I was on a crowded ward separated from all the other new mothers and their visitors by a flimsy curtain. I was nearly in tears I was so embarrassed. When my epidural wore off I hobbled out to find the nurse dispensing the drugs, farting loudly with every step, and tearfully asked if she had anything that would stop them. She gave me some peppermint oil, which did FA.

How long have you been on lactulose? I farted my way through the first 10 days or so but movement did occur.

Suppositories?

Oh my god this thread is hilarious. Sorry ladies, I shouldnt laugh (been there and have the t shirt following my two DC's) but you certainly have cheered me up this morning!

Take advantage.....Dutch oven all the way

Ohhh dear, OP - I hope things get - ahem - moving soon! But at least you have found lurve on this thread.

DDog2 had a couple of days in hospital a fortnight ago - her anti-inflammatory medication had given her a stomach ulcer, poor thing. Whilst in there, she was fed canned dog food, which she's never had before - or at least, not whilst we've owned her (she's a rescue).

When she came home, she was doing the most god-awful pedigree chum farts for at least 24 hours. Dh was away, and I was home alone with the fart machine - and as she's in a cage in the front room (cage rest after knee surgery), and that's where the TV is, I couldn't get away from her in the evening - I had to open windows to get a breeze through the house!

Overnight, I had to shut the front room doors - and I tell you, I stood well back when I opened them up in the morning. I swear the air was a sulphurous green in there. Thankfully it didn't last long, and she went back to normal when back on her normal food.

Saucony, I've been on it 56 hours now. I am refusing to drink any more. I read somewhere on mn last night that one whole kiwi fruit - complete with furry skin - pulverised in a Nutri bullet will really, really work. My mum's on it now. I'm also going to the chemist for Movicol.

A&E with a blocked arse! How bloody awful!

STDG, i sicked up a bit at the memory of Pedigree Chum farts. I've never even owned a dog, but I've smelt that shit somewhere in my past.

When I had to clean the grimness from my underwear this morning there were black onion seeds stuck in in from the mulligatawny I made three days ago

What's a Dutch oven?

Glycerine suppositories
Glycerine suppositories
Glycerine suppositories

There is no other way

...I say this as someone who had to try manual extraction of poo after my c section.
Glycerine suppositories did the job within 20 mins

I feel for you.
I'm not pg but had to take Imodium 5 days ago....and I haven't been since
I've tried syrup of figs
Laxido
Supositories
And prunes
Nothing
Help!

Go back to the docs.

I ended up on codeine when pg. she prescribed a glycerine suppository but did warn me to 'put my running shoes on FIRST'

Fuck me. She was right. Bloody worked.