Lactulose Destroys Marriages (light-farted)

[LoveAndHate]

What a shower of shit this stuff is. I'm six months pregnant with bowel emissions of breeze block. My arse bleeds from the chafed fissures being grazed by titanic turds of granite slowly - excruciatingly - shifting down my rectum until they slump defiantly - Jedi-like - over my botty opening.

'Ooo, try Lactulose', says, like, everyone. I've swallowed this evil tincture morning and night for the past 48 hours and the only result is a marriage on the verge of breakdown due to my grotesque flatulence. I'm currently sat in bed with a super-sized box of Swan matches trying to rid my room of the smell of fermented eggs. My husband's eyes are watering. He keeps yelping: 'What the fuck!' and 'Why haven't you crapped yet??!' My daughter is screaming in the next room and threatening to leave home. She's 19 months-old.

My bottom hurts from the velocity of wind firing out every three seconds. I'm choking in a fug of rancid poo-pong....but still no blessed smooth turd evacuation

AIBU to think this is eight quid down the drain (which is where my shit should be going instead)?

I think a Dutch Oven is where one person farts under the covers and holds the cover over their partners head for them to get the "benefit" of the smell.

Or at least that's how someone tried to explain it to me once.

That's a Dutch oven, yes. Except here in the US it's some sort of cooking pot. It always makes me smirk when I see them on sale.

Vaseline. Rub it on your bum hole. Stay near the toilet.

I was told to do this if dd was ever constipated, and advised it would work quickly. Had to do it recently. Dd was naked, toddler toilet seat ready, but I forgot to tell DH how quickly it could work and he stupidly picked her up and held her instead of putting her on the seat. She proceeded to poo on his arm.

I was not the most popular person that night.

I was constipated for 10 days before being induced with DS. I tried everything, including glycerin suppositories, one of which I was given DURING LABOUR and still didn't poo. EVERYONE poos in labour! As soon as I could shuffle after he arrived I bribed dh to smuggle in some lube he was confused and slightly frightened initially and took matters into my own hands, with the help of the conveniently placed latex glove dispensers in the maternity ward loo.

Tis the only way I tell you!

I'm still convinced DS's shocker of a birth was because he couldn't get out past the poo...

You need to drink pints and pints of water with lactalose.

love your post made me laugh so much, but because I'm also 6months pregnant I am now crying.

What a bloody brilliant thread!!!!

My DS (2) keeps saying to me 'I just trumping mummy, trumping like a monster'

You can borrow his phrase if you like?

Good luck! Oh and Fennell tea can help lactulose is shit!!

Oh the irony!!

This is bringing back all the memories of my recent pregnancy and post birth phase. How satisfying it was today, at 5 months post partum, to hear the splosh of a normal, happy poo hitting the toilet water, after months of either black diahorrea (iron pills), poo the consistency of clumps of gravel, or the clay-ey ones that would block the toilet and need pushing down with a stick....OH, THE FUCKING INDIGNITY!

I found that religiously having a lovely fruit compote- stewed apples and dried fruit (types can vary, but always include prunes)- on my morning yogurt every morning helped alleviate some of the grimmest attacks.

Oh you lot are hilarious!

Where do I get me some o' them there glycerine suppositories???

Fybogel! I have a sachet in the morning and the evening and it keeps everything moving properly, along with a daily glass of orange juice and some dried fruit.

I am not a regular mover at the best of times, and pregnancy has brought everything to a screeching halt. Then, about six weeks ago the situation brought on piles, which was basically the thing that pushed me over the edge. Crying in bed while holding a cold, wet cloth to your backside is a new low that I wouldn't wish on anyone. My daily Fybogel routine has been a revelation, and I'm packing extra in my hospital bag!

At the expense of you op, this thread has made my morning. Its funny how poo bonds so many people!

I did find lactulose worked for me during pregnancy, I drank so much water with it I had that blippy feeling in my belly all the time. Most satisfying when I did go though!

You can get glycerin suppositories at the chemist over the counter

I had my dd 12 days ago and while I can go its very odd. Every time I go, its like a phantom poo! You know when you wipe and theres nothing there so you turn round, look in the loo and check 'yes I definitely did' Dh thinks its very funny, he has to get a poo update when I go...

You'll only need 1 or 2 glycerine suppositories to unblock then the movicol or laxido (same thing) to keep it going. Movicol works on what is coming through the gut from the small intestine so there maybe a bit of a lag time in getting things going (and lag time in the effect wearing off)

Lactulose is fairly hopeless and makes bloating and wind worse and you often need industrial quantities

Took 5 to get me going last week!

Have you had a shit yet bird?

Oh god... Lactulose! Trying to do my first poo after childbirth and not split my many stitches led to weeping and blood shed on the toilet.

So when my Mum presented me with this stuff (1 litre) I whacked back half the bottle in one go because I was so joyful to see anything that might help with the pain. I didn't stop shitting/farting/turning green and running for the loo for about 2 days.

You must be blocked BAD.

Yes I just took a crap at mum's house. She was stood on the landing shouting encouragement

I'm just so fed up of my eyeballs giggling out of my head with the gargantuan effort of thrutching...Only for half a fucking mummified cigar to break off, leaving the other half clinging to my bloodied piles. I'm limping around in a fug of fucked-up stinkage and I've had enough.

I'm buying the glycerine suppositories tomorrow (been bedridden today with SPD) and shoving a Roman candle up as a chaser.

*goggling!

Would definitely recommend movicol or laxido ( v similar).

Best was of dealing with and avoiding constipation

1. DRINK

2. Drink some more

3. yep drink even more!

Laxatives like movicol and laxido help the bowels by drawing water into the stool making them easier to pass. And stimulating the bowel.

If you really can not pass anything ( unlikely as you have now started to poo, microlette enemas (from ? Practice nurse or community nurse) are the way to go.

When you do get this episode sorted I would recommend you continue with a regular laxative ( movicol/ laxido type) whilst you continue to take codeine based pain relief otherwise you will continue to veer from blocked to loose and back again.

Fingers crossed for you OP it's no fun!

This won't help with your poopy problem but just so you know, the whole light-a-match thing is a myth. All it does is leave the place smelling of burnt out matches and farts...

Thanks, Doris, much appreciated.

Matches struck DO work! Are you using safety ones without t'phosphorous?

In answer to your earlier question, most chemists and supermarkets will have them. I got mine from Morrison's.

Try and hold/keep it in for as long as you can (my record was 20 mins max) and make sure that the toilet is free, and that you don't wander too far away from it. You'll be surprised at what an innocent looking thing it is.

Oh, you poor thing.

I find Lactulose gives me foul wind too.

Get Movicol - much better.

OMG you lot are really hilarious.

I had a problem with constipation years ago and my Dr. had me admitted to hospital. A rather lovely male nurse gave me a massage down the left side of my body. He had me lie on my right side and massaged all around my waist. It worked, not immediately but very 'normally' the next day.

I sympathise and hope you are feeling better soon :)

Shadow, by 'make sure the toilet is free' do you mean not one of those 20p-per-piss public ones?