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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be having panic attacks at the thought of dd going to stay with IL's alone?

32 replies

Realitea · 23/10/2015 22:58

I do suffer with anxiety so I don't know if my response is normal or not.
IL's live two hours away. Dd is nearly 5 and has stayed there before but always with me and dh or at least just dh.
Mil wants to take dd and have her stay overnight.
Im worried about them forgetting to put up the fire guard, leaving food out that dd could choke on, some of their massive heavy furniture falling on dd as she climbs all the time at the moment! Am I just being irrational?
I don't like the idea of her being there without me or dh supervising her. I'm being made to feel silly. Mil does have her other grand child stay very regularly and she is younger than dd so it's like I'm the odd one out in finding it hard.

OP posts:

honeyroar · 23/10/2015 23:01

It's natural to be a bit anxious, but not to the extent of panic attacks. DD will be fine. She will have fun with her GPs, I'm sure. Plan something for yourself to do while you have time to yourself, a treat and a distraction..

longdiling · 23/10/2015 23:05

I have to say, your concerns seem like the concerns of someone with a much younger child - a toddler perhaps. I have a child a similar age to yours and I can't imagine DD helping herself to food left around or being particularly prone to choking. Same with the climbing and furniture, I'm surprised a child that age can't be told not to climb on furniture, what would fall on top of her?

That said, you shouldn't be made to feel silly, especially if you suffer from anxiety. How does your DD feel about staying there?

AgentZigzag · 23/10/2015 23:05

You're not being irrational but it is something you'll have to work on to get your head round.

Being made to feel as though you're 'silly' is hardly going to reassure you though is it?? Who is it doing that? Your DH or MIL?

Is there anything you could do to put your mind at rest a bit more? Like setting up a 24 hr CCTV system in your MIL's front room getting your DD to ring you just before bed?

Original poster

Realitea · 23/10/2015 23:12

Dd seems a bit confused that she's not going with either parent but I think she's alright. She likes going there.
I'll talk to her first and tell mil to keep a close eye on her. Dd is quite boisterous and at home I'm always telling her to stop climbing or doing dangerous stuff. (Tonight she decided to tie her legs together and 'run' across the landing!)
Dh has made me feel silly before when mil has asked and I've said no. But actually this time he's been more understanding and told me he will talk to mil and nothing will happen. I might even go to the pub for the first time in years

OP posts:

longdiling · 23/10/2015 23:15

It sounds like you are tempted to give it a try then? Is your mother in law pretty good with her? Most grandparents are more fussy and over protective if anything! Go for it, and enjoy the pub!

AgentZigzag · 23/10/2015 23:17

'I might even go to the pub for the first time in years'

Try to focus on getting shitfaced this every time an anxiety about the what ifs that could happen creeps in.

It's good your DH is better about it, I'm sure you can trust his Mum to keep a close eye on your DD, they're going to have a great time

April2013 · 23/10/2015 23:49

I think anything you are worried about you need to investigate a bit in your mind, do a bit of a risk assessment, dont take the word of other people, think about what you think, if you're not happy then can things be changed so you are happy? If not you might not be able to relax anyway. A lot of times people with anxiety are told to just stop worrying and sometimes that type of reassurance is fine and helpful but I think you know your child best so you are in the best position to judge what the potential risks are and if they are at an acceptable level and if not how they could be mitigated. There is no shame in having high standards where safety is concerned even if it frustrates other people, everyone is different with risks and worrying but at the end of the day she is yours so it matters most what you think. Ideal scenario is all your fears genuinely reassured and you go to the pub :)

Morganly · 23/10/2015 23:54

Your reaction does seem extreme to me. Have you never left her for one night in 5 years?

April2013 · 24/10/2015 00:04

I think her age is not really a factor - I am sure 5 year olds have accidents just as 2 year olds do, I think plenty of kids are climbing on furniture beyond 5, I think the main thing is to try to ignore that you are being made to feel silly and focus on what she is likely to do at their house that might be risky. Tbh they should be reassuring you and discussing your concerns seriously with you rather than making you feel silly, nothing you are worried about is crazy - otherwise why would IKEA be full of safety products for kids? And why would first aid courses for children include how to deal with choking? Just because strapping furniture to walls is a relatively new thing doesn't mean it is over the top - it is progress!

tiredofbadwifi · 24/10/2015 01:22

Honestly I can't remember ever staying with grandparents as a child with my parents there and I was definitely younger than 5 when I started staying overnight. My maternal grandmother was a single woman living alone who could hardy walk even with a stick. Staying with her regularly and just us two was such a wonderful experience for me. We grew incredibly close and I think it helped me calm down a bit and become quite responsible. I think it could be a great thing for her, and I always loved staying with my Gran (my favourite memories all include staying at her house actually)

LittleFeileFooFoo · 24/10/2015 01:27

Remember op, children are often better behaved with not their parents

Original poster

Realitea · 24/10/2015 07:45

Very true littlefeile, dd is probably a lot better behaved there!
I'm going to just go over a few things when MIL comes here. I never stayed with my grand parents or friends houses so it just seems strange to me. I guess everyone's different.

OP posts:

Pinkrblue · 24/10/2015 07:48

My dad always tells me... I raised you and you're OK! It helps actually.... Your dh obviously survived years in your Mil care

BertrandRussell · 24/10/2015 07:55

Be a bit careful with the "going over things"! Try and do it in a "I know I'm being silly" way rather than in "I don't trust you to look after my child" way.

Unless, of course, you have real, specific concerns.

PunkrockerGirl · 24/10/2015 07:58

I'd say that when you've done it once you'll feel more comfortable and be fine if she wants to do it again. I'm sure dd will have a great time. Go to the pub and get shit-faced have a lovely evening with dh or friends. Do something lovely for you that'll take your mind off dd being away.

Mehitabel6 · 24/10/2015 08:00

They often behave a lot better with grandparents.
It is good for you all to have a break.
At least you realise that it is your problem so that you can do something about it let her go with your blessing.

Mehitabel6 · 24/10/2015 08:03

There is nothing nicer than having grandparents as a home from home. Mine started with both lots at an early age. We also had grandparents stay in our house with them as we went away. That made it really simple as we didn't have to explain routines etc.

MrsJayy · 24/10/2015 08:05

Your dd will have a great time staying out at her Gp your anxiety thoughts are through the roof that must be exhausting for you.your in laws managed to raise your husband without heavy furniture falling on him just try and remember that, go to the pub and let your dd and her grandparents have a great time. Please dont do the sit down talk with her you might scare her un intentionally

MrsJayy · 24/10/2015 08:07

Mis read you are going to talk to mil not your dd sorry,

DinosaursRoar · 24/10/2015 08:08

Going to Granny's house is a big treat, be clear, if she's naughty, she will not be allowed to go back again. It's a sign she's a big girl that she's allowed to have a night without mummy there, but only if she can be good. Granny's rules must be followed, including no climbing on furniture or helping herself to food without checking with Granny first.

It'll be fine!

BertrandRussell · 24/10/2015 08:14

But there's no suggestion that the dd's being naughty- isn't it a bit unfair to warn her like that when it's the OP who's worried?

BertrandRussell · 24/10/2015 08:16

All that heavy "you must be good" stuff would really have worried mine!

MrsJayy · 24/10/2015 08:31

Yeah i never told mine to be good they only stayed at Mils andcshe was able to judge if they were behaving or not.

junebirthdaygirl · 24/10/2015 08:32

I have a gd who is five.when she is here on her own l rarely take my eye off her. She is really good and absolutely no problem but l feel the responsibility more than l did with my own growing up. So be assured her Gran will keep a safe eye on her especially as it's her first time staying over alone. It's such a joy for me to have her as we have great chats and l end up playing games on my hands and knees on the floor and all sorts of things l thought l was well past. Also l always felt strongly with mine that we shouldn't warn them to be good as it's like we don't trust them and if we just presume they will behave they will live up to that. Remember Gran has reared a family and it quiet capable of saying no climbing as it's too dangerous.

BoffinMum · 24/10/2015 08:33

OP, this will probably be about something else rather than your DD's safety. What else is going on in your life at the moment that might be triggering it?

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