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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Never See DP's Family (especially SIL) again?

26 replies

SILisAMONSTER · 21/10/2015 21:04

Hi MNRS. MIL has recently passed away. She was the only decent one of DP's Family. SIL & NIL are surgically attached to DP's ExW and are called by DP and I 'The Stygian Witches' which isn't helpful at all I know, however there is a reason that the creature in Species is called SIL. This week SIL and I had words. Many things which should have been said before came out in a shouting tirade on both sides. SIL has admitted that all the years DP and I have been together she's barely held her contempt in for me, mainly because DP and I are are really really happy and SIL ( DP's older and only sibling) is essentially living a life that is a car wreck. DP is totally on my side and agrees SIL is entirely unwilling/unable to see any point of view but her own. DP has said once all the funeral and estate stuff is over there doesn't need to be any contact with DP's family ever again. Is that BU though? Do you think there will be ramifications on mine and DP's relationship in the future? Any point of view please :)

OP posts:

MrsLupo · 21/10/2015 21:20

I'm of the view that there's no intrinsic merit in honouring relationships that are causing distress and conflict simply because 'they're family'. The difficulty with this pragmatic view is that not necessarily everyone in the picture feels the same way - which is particularly a problem where the family in question is ILs, and where the buck therefore stops with DP rather than you. In this case, though, it seems like the impetus to cut ties is coming from DP himself, in which case I say give thanks and go for it. I can't see that there would be any fallout between you down the line unless you were pressuring him into something he was ambivalent about. Who is NIL? A nephew? I think I would try and maintain perfunctory contact (birthday/xmas cards etc) with a non-adult offspring, as you never know when they might need a benign family member to turn to.

rageagainsttheBIL · 21/10/2015 21:23

So you both shouted at each other, your life is good, hers is a mess, yet you are the wronged party?

Fair enough if you hate each other but having a row is reason to cut all his family off?

AliceInUnderpants · 21/10/2015 21:27

Hold on, the funeral isn't even over yet and you were screaming at each other?

wigglesrock · 21/10/2015 21:32

How long has her mother been dead - a week or so? You sound delightful - keep your nose out and let your husband cut contact if he wants. Are you sure your attitude to his sister isn't clouded by her closeness to your husbands ex wife.

ghostyslovesheep · 21/10/2015 21:33

her mum just died?

Bambambini · 21/10/2015 21:34

YANBU to not see them if you don't want to. What your husband does is up to him. Sounds like your SIL doesn't like you. I have no idea if she IBU and who is fault here.

AlwaysOutnumberdNeverOutgunned · 21/10/2015 21:37

Not to sound old fashioned but your SIL just lost her mother?

If so you need to wind your neck in and stay out of all of it for now, this is not the time to get involved in pettiness. Ignore provocation, know when to leave the room and be dignified and supportive of grieving family no matter how obnoxious. Take the high road and wait til things calm down before you do the self righteous thing - you will feel better for it in the long run.

Original poster

SILisAMONSTER · 21/10/2015 21:37

Lupo Grown up niece. I realise it sounds odd rage but I can't put too much identifying info on. SIL is like a brick wall. Doesn't matter what you say to her she is always right even when she's clearly not and refuses to acknowledge that anything she says/does has any impact on anyone else. It's not so much the row it's what the row was about, somethings just can't be unsaid. it's not a one time deal either. This was the last in a long line of hateful episodes between DP and SIL, the straw that broke etc. etc. Alice I know it's awful isn't it. It was the first time we'd seen SIL since MIL passed away. It was like all the stuff she had always wanted to say to me but couldn't (MIL and I always got on really well) finally came out. She just there screaming at me and I lost my temper and retaliated (not like me at all, I'm usually a water off a ducks back kind of person) But what can I say, difficult time and she pressed my buttons

OP posts:

Original poster

SILisAMONSTER · 21/10/2015 21:46

I know SIL has just lost her mother. I have tried really hard to comfort her as much as I have DP. It's hard though when she starts on DP for everything wrong ever, and when DP says 'I've just lost Mum too' it's ignored and dismissed because 'no-one else's feeling count' her words. She had DP in tears just berating constantly about what a terrible person DP was because we'd had a life and DC and only visited MIL every week when SIL 'had to be there all the time' which was SIL's choice as she had nowhere to live but MIL's place. I totally take on board that this is DP's decision and I will certainly continue to wind my neck in which is the worlds best phrase ever

OP posts:

Thefuckinggrinch · 21/10/2015 21:53

I would just back off totally from his family stuff and take his lead tbh. Offer your support to him in whatever comes next and go with what he decides. Feelings are going to be running super high right now so just don't respond to provocation, don't get into arguments. Just do your best to be there for your DP.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/10/2015 22:05

I second just backing up and letting your DP lead. My MiL's death brought to the fore feelings in my DH for his brother and especially his brother's wife that he had buried for years out of respect to his mother. The days immediately before and after her death caused such a rift that we have been NC with them for 17 years. The last straw was their keeping the money set aside for her headstone for themselves. They had assured us they were 'taking care of it' as we don't live in the 'home town' where she was buried. We went to the cemetery 6 months after her death only to find her lying in an unmarked grave. DH was devastated. We ordered and paid for her headstone ourselves.

Original poster

SILisAMONSTER · 21/10/2015 22:05

Spoken to DP about suggestions (Knows I'm MNing for thoughts/advice) DP has agreed that it would be easier if I'd stayed away from DP's family for the time being. Sadly this also means the funeral. I really want to go to support DP, however DP is going to go with My DB and our eldest DC who will both be there to support so SIL won't be upset by my presence which ultimately will be easier on DP.

OP posts:

Original poster

SILisAMONSTER · 21/10/2015 22:08

Sorry to hear that AcrossthePond55 Families eh? It's nothing to do with finances (yet!) it's all emotional resentment at DP and I. We've decided on a course of action and whilst it isn't ideal it's probably the best for now.

OP posts:

ForChina · 21/10/2015 22:40

Ohhh don't stay away from the funeral. Go for your MIL's sake. You can always slip away quietly afterwards.

nocabbageinmyeye · 21/10/2015 22:44

Your being a drama queen imo. The woman just lost her mother, ok she wasn't being nice to your dp but he is a grown man and her sibling so let him stand up to her if he needs to. Not going to the funeral smacks of playing the victim and attention seeking to me and now is not the time for it. I think you need to get a grip to be honest

Jux · 21/10/2015 22:48

It's shame you can't go to the funeral. Is there really no way you can go? SIL would surely be on best behavior and you could slip off quietly after so she has no opportunity to make a fuss.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/10/2015 23:03

I'd be sad to miss my MiL's funeral, but you don't need a funeral to remember someone and what they meant to you. I'd do as your DH requests and just lay low. But what I wouldn't do is lie about why I was absent if anyone asked.

Yep, families!

2rebecca · 21/10/2015 23:07

It wasn't the op's husband SIL was horrible to but the OP. I don't think bereavement is a reason to be bitchy and nasty. Her husband isn't going around being horrible.
If it was me I would go if I liked my mil but not hang around afterwards and leave my husband to it

SurlyCue · 21/10/2015 23:17

Ugh! You both sound like hard work. Best you just leave each other alone and stop creating drama. Cant believe this has gone on when she has just lost her mother. If ever there was a time to let her vent this was it. Bite your tongue, bury MIL and then leave SIL and NIL alone. For everyone's sake.

LaContessaDiPlump · 21/10/2015 23:19

The days after a death are emotionally hard, but not for the reasons you'd expect. I was unexpectedly brutal towards my sister just after our mother died, because our mother was the only one who still defended my sister's poor behaviour to the rest of the family and so we all rolled our eyes and tiptoed around DSis for my mum's sake. One of my very early thoughts towards DSis after our mum died was 'There's no-one to protect you now, bitch'. The resentment built up and years of suppressed fury poured out of me like bile. It wasn't pleasant.

It's possible that your SIL, having never liked you much, is reacting similarly to me as a knee-jerk response now that your 'protector' is gone. You may find that next time you see her, she'll just pretend it didn't happen. Maybe broach this to your DP and see what he thinks; IMO it would look bad for you to be absent from the funeral and would potentially preserve the antagonistic atmosphere.

Good luck

RollingRollingRolling · 21/10/2015 23:41

I would go to the funeral if you could, seeing as you had a good relationship with your MIL. Even if its just to sit at the back, not in the same row as DP/SIL.
I think if your DP wants to go NC then follow his lead and do that. So many times people post on here that they want to go NC but their DP is too scared too even if he wants it.
Sorry for the loss for all of you

JoelyB · 21/10/2015 23:51

Go to the funeral and be gracious.
Then walk away and honour DP's decision to have no contact. Have done this with one part of my family and to be honest, to be rid of the drama is well worth it.
Blood is thicker than water but then shit is thicker than Chablis, innit?

Pranmasghost · 22/10/2015 00:18

You should go to the funeral as a mark of your love and respect for your mil and to support your dh.

StrictlyMumDancing · 22/10/2015 00:19

Please dont miss the funeral, especially if you had a good relationship with MIL. If nothing else it could be painted as disrespectful. By all means don't attend the wake, but go and say your goodbyes.

Also, let your DP lead the relationship with his family as he seems to have a good grip on her.

I've been in the awful position of a fight in circumstances like this. It takes a lot to admit you were wrong and in some sense yes, some actions are forgivable. But I know full well some still need acknowledgment even with excuse. A bad time is not a blanket reason to be an arsehole without apology.

Axekick · 22/10/2015 05:32

You both sound unreasonable to me. Your dp is a grown man, your grieving sil was snapping at your grieving DP. He could have handled it.

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