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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop dds dad from seeing her?

43 replies

sunshineandshade · 21/10/2015 07:44

Dds dad left us, she's just a baby, he hasn't asked to see her yet but it's if he did. He walked out shirking all of his responsibilities and to think about the inevitable scares me. He plans to stay away for weeks to think about if he wants his family together. Breaking up with me is one thing if he would just say that, but leaving us in the lurch whilst he decides what he wants, when did it become all about him! How dare he swan in and out of her life, how dare he pick and choose, to leave me and our baby struggling when he was the main earner and I'm a student on maternity. I don't want to be bitter or 'use dd as a weapon' but I do want to protect her from an unreliable father

OP posts:
PennyHasNoSurname · 21/10/2015 07:48

But why is the answer to that to stop her ever having a relationship with her father?

It is her you need to think about it in all of this. Much as you might not want to, you need to at least try and be accomodation of her right to develop a relationship with him. Even if that takes time.

lostinabook · 21/10/2015 07:49

Go and see ideally a solicitor or if money tricky the CAB.

I would say even though he is being a idiot you have to be the bigger person and offer some kind of regular access. If he passes then you tried for Dd's sake. Plus google child maintenance calculator and work out the minimum he should pay.

madmotherof2 · 21/10/2015 07:53

I agree with penny

It is hard, I've been there, got the hat, tshirt and everything else. The way I look at it is that I would hate DS to look back at his childhood and say that I didn't try to help with his relationship with his Dad. I've had to do a lot of covering up to protect DS ( his Dad goes on an amazing amount of courses. Not!) but it's worth it to protect him. Now DS is nearly 12 it's harder to cover up, but I feel he's old enough to see it for himself now.

Wishing you lots of luck OP

Toffeelatteplease · 21/10/2015 07:55

You do realise that would never stand up in family court if he took it that far.

Set up a regular schedule of contact. Let him fail over time. Save yourself a lot of hassle and money

Shakirasma · 21/10/2015 07:55

YABU. But understandably so.

I know you want the best for DD, and of course she needs stability, security and reliability. And as a good mum, that is what you will provide for her.

She has a right to see her DF, to have a relationship with him and to know him. Yes, that means the good, the bad and the ugly in him.

I have been where you are, my DD's fathers definition of being a dad has been to have her round for tea maybe once a week or two but pay no maintenance for 17 years, with no contact at all inbetween. She is an amazing,bright young woman, beautiful inside and out. And she credits me for all of that. She loves her dad, only because he's her dad and its natural. But she knows she can't rely on him for anything and I am her rock.

We are so close now and part of that is because she has no curiosity about a man I could have deprived her of, and no resentment that I prevented a relationship she was entitled to.

Original poster
sunshineandshade · 21/10/2015 07:56

Because she needs consistency, not someone who wanders in and out of her life calling himself a dad

OP posts:
TheBunnyOfDoom · 21/10/2015 07:59

YABVU. Unless he's a danger to her, you have no right to stop him having a relationship with her. She will resent you MASSIVELY in years to come if she learns he wanted to see her and you said no for good reason.

Original poster
sunshineandshade · 21/10/2015 07:59

I suppose. I don't want to deprive he of a dad that's the last thing I want, dd was planned as a family I never expected him to just leave. I don't want her to have to go back and forth, and be let down by someone who is supposed to love her she deserves better Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshineandshade · 21/10/2015 08:02

He told me last week he regrets having her. He's also on medication for depression and psychosis and not taking it, I worry about his mental state you can never tell he covers it up well

OP posts:
Toffeelatteplease · 21/10/2015 08:06

That's a very different story then....

Major dripfeed Hmm

Shakirasma · 21/10/2015 08:07

You are clearly very hurt and raw, he is behaving very badly.

I think in order to prevent your present emotions clouding your judgement it's probably better to look at this access situation as something you don't have a choice in right from the get go. Then rather than tying yourself in knots over what to do for the best, you can see it as an obligation (which it actually is) and work out the best way to manage it.

WishIWasWonderwoman · 21/10/2015 08:22

If you think he is a danger to her due to psychosis, YANBU to insist on supervised visits only if he asks to see her. If you think he is an extreme danger YANBU to say no to any visits but you may need court backing for that.

If you do not think he is a danger to her, YABU to not let her see him, although it is very understandable.

Given your latest information, I think if he ever does ask to see her, you should let him visit her under supervision.

I hope you have a supportive family who will be your DD's rocks along with you, but even if you don't there are plenty of successful one parent families and I wish you all the best.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 21/10/2015 08:23

If he's mentally unwell, you'd be well within your rights to demand supervised contact - either in a contact centre or with a trusted family member (a grandparent or something). However, saying she can't have any relationship with him at all would be very unfair. A child has a right to see their parent (unless that parent is a danger).

Original poster
sunshineandshade · 21/10/2015 08:23

Is it reasonable to say he has to come to my house to see her? She's breastfed and feeds roughly every two hours, I'm not ready to leave her with anyone yet, I don't want him to be able to come and take her without me there

OP posts:
Uptownfuckuup · 21/10/2015 08:25

yabu

PennyHasNoSurname · 21/10/2015 08:26

How old is sje?

With her BFing every two hours and his issues, short frequent visitts to you and her at home sound the right way to go, providing you feel comfortable him being there.

BojackHorseman · 21/10/2015 08:31

You cannot use your daughter as a weapon.

Why didn't you mention his mental problems in your OP, is it because you were expecting to be told YANBU?

TheBunnyOfDoom · 21/10/2015 08:38

I don't see a problem with him having contact at your home, no. Is he having help for his mental illness/problems? Because if there's no record of him being unwell, I'm not sure where you'd stand legally on making sure he has supervised contact.

Borninthe60s · 21/10/2015 08:44

Absolutely reasonable to suggest he visits her whilst at home with you and you present. A crap dad is better than no dad at all. Incidentally I think he has post natal depression. Talk to your HV about this.

Original poster
sunshineandshade · 21/10/2015 08:48

Penny - She is two months but has reflux and uses bf for comfort which hv has said is okay. I would be much more comfortable with him here where I can be around if she needs me

Bojack - I don't intend to use dd as a weapon, I'm a new mum who doesn't want to be away from her baby. I don't want to be criticised for what I missed in the op

Bunny - He has been under different teams it is documented, he has visits with a rmn at his work. As far as I know he isn't psychotic now but he is on medication for both psychosis and depression to prevent relapse but doesn't take it

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshineandshade · 21/10/2015 08:52

Borninthe60s - I did consider pnd because it is strange how he just left. I have always supported him through his illness when he was psychotic and depressed in the past, but he has completely abandoned ship this time. It is not easy to tell when he is well and when he isn't which is why I would not be comfortable leaving dd with him out of my sight. What will hv do?

OP posts:
Fratelli · 21/10/2015 09:14

Hmm I see why you're hurt etc but I'm wondering why you would have had a baby with him if his mental health problems are as bad as you say? What he has done is terrible but this is about your daughter. She deserves the opportunity of a relationship with her father.

I think visits at your house at this age is what a court would suggest anyway. Whilst a baby is so young they suggest little but often contact. They also wouldn't allow a breastfed baby away from their mum overnight or for a long period of time.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 21/10/2015 09:23

I think, considering your DD is so small and his issues are documented, you'd be well within your rights to request that all contact is supervised. You wouldn't be expected to be without her at such a young age anyway, but I think you should let him see his DD in a safe environment.

HeySoulSister · 21/10/2015 09:41

Supervised contact doesn't last long though. By 6 months there's no reason why he can't start taking the baby on his own.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 21/10/2015 09:50

hey soul is right, a friend in the same situation had to leave her DS with his father for all day visits at 6 months with an overnight stay twice per month.

Other posters are right, it's completely understandable that you are angry, but you need to separate your anger from your DD'S need go have a meaningful relationship with her Dad.

Start with supervised visits, either in your home or at a contact centre if it makes you more comfortable. It will be easier on your DD if she can get used to spending time with him now gradually than if he takes you to court and they appoint EOW access and she's got to spend whole days with a man she doesn't know.

I really feel for you OP Flowers

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