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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop dds dad from seeing her?

43 replies

sunshineandshade · 21/10/2015 07:44

Dds dad left us, she's just a baby, he hasn't asked to see her yet but it's if he did. He walked out shirking all of his responsibilities and to think about the inevitable scares me. He plans to stay away for weeks to think about if he wants his family together. Breaking up with me is one thing if he would just say that, but leaving us in the lurch whilst he decides what he wants, when did it become all about him! How dare he swan in and out of her life, how dare he pick and choose, to leave me and our baby struggling when he was the main earner and I'm a student on maternity. I don't want to be bitter or 'use dd as a weapon' but I do want to protect her from an unreliable father

OP posts:

Original poster

sunshineandshade · 21/10/2015 09:51

He suffered with his mental health years ago, i was a supportive partner an helped him through it. When you start anti depressants/anti psychotics it isnt a medication you go on to briefly and then come off. You never know if it will never happen again or if it will come back, so you stay on them to prevent relapse. He had recovered from his initial episodes and the man i loved was back. He wasnt ill when we concieved, i didnt think he was now. I was angry in my op having been abandoned and suddenly facing the reality of being a single parent, in which case his mental health history would be brought up because i couldnt let him take her with uncertainty around whats going on in his head. Its complicated and very difficult to explain. I am now thinking he has pnd and will encourage him to seek help

OP posts:

HeySoulSister · 21/10/2015 10:17

You can't stop contact due to mental health! Look at how many mothers do actually suffer depression and pnd! They stay with their DC

Original poster

sunshineandshade · 21/10/2015 10:25

I just said i was angry in the op, and that i wouldnt stop contact now. Read before you comment

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 21/10/2015 10:32

Ahh it's very early days yet OP

At the moment your head will be all over the place, just as his will too.

Personally I would wait and see if he asks for contact and if he does, make sure it's at your home only, due to the breastfeeding.

I don't think there's any point in looking too far into the future, at this uncertain stage.

alltouchedout · 21/10/2015 10:39

Crikey OP, you have my sympathy. I'd be raging too, and upset on my child's behalf, and thinking "how dare he, how dare he fuck us about like this", and wanting to protect my child from ever being affected and let down by his inadequacies, and so on...
But like you I'd probably calm down a bit after a while, and still be angry and wanting to protect my child, but recognising that he remains the father and that my facilitating appropriate contact would be a good thing.
I hope you all get the support you need.

mummytime · 21/10/2015 10:47

If you want support AIBU isn't the best place - try relationships.

The key thing is to try always to think of your DD first, and that is what the legal process is supposed to do too.

Also don't worry about things which aren't even an issue yet.

If she is breast feeding then insisting on short visits and at your home if you are happy with that is fine.
If there is any chance he is either too ill, or could harm/neglect her, then even when she is older it's fine to insist of supervised visits.

Yes vent, to let your feelings out. But then pick yourself up and keep on keeping on.

abbieanders · 21/10/2015 10:50

Of course he doesn't have post natal depression. For heaven's sake. He hasn't given birth. He may have depression brought on by the life change but post natal depression is a very specific thing and it's very damaging to women who get it to extend it in this manner.

Also, louche old dad eh? He gets to go off and shrug off his responsibilities without a backwards glance. Not only does the op have to pick up his caring duties and his financial ones, she's also got to facilitate him looking like an adequate parent should he wish to at any stage in the future. Half his luck.

WorraLiberty · 21/10/2015 10:56

I would imagine having depression and psychosis, could possibly have something to do with 'going off and shrugging his responsibilities without a backward glance' to be fair.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 21/10/2015 10:58

You can come off anti-depressants safely and without becoming a danger to yourself or others, provided the depression has been treated and you can handle the symptoms without the drugs - I have done so, following therapy.

Anti-psychotics are a very different kettle of fish - I am not an expert, but I think the OP is right to say they are life-long medication.

Whilst you are breastfeeding, clearly contact will need to be somewhere where you can be nearby, to feed when necessary.

If your partner has relapsed, re. psychotic illness, then insisting on supervised visitation would be vital, until he is back on his medication and is stable. As long as he is managing his depression, then that by itself should not make him a danger to your dd - I was depressed when all three of the dses were babies, children, teenagers, and was never a danger to them.

abbieanders · 21/10/2015 11:01

It might well, but that doesn't help the op or the baby much. I just feel that she's got enough on with a new baby and the financial pressures that he's decided he can't be bothered with without all this preaching about how she now has to be responsible for his contact as well.

WorraLiberty · 21/10/2015 11:05

He's suffering from depression and psychosis and you think he's decided he simply can't be bothered with it?

Do you feel the same about women who have PND and simply decide they can't be bothered to care for a newborn?

It's really not as simple as that, is it?

Shutthatdoor · 21/10/2015 11:07

I would imagine having depression and psychosis, could possibly have something to do with 'going off and shrugging his responsibilities without a backward glance' to be fair.

I completely agree.

Funinthesun15 · 21/10/2015 11:08

He's suffering from depression and psychosis and you think he's decided he simply can't be bothered with it?

Do you feel the same about women who have PND and simply decide they can't be bothered to care for a newborn?

It's really not as simple as that, is it?

Exactly.

It really isn't as simple as some seem to think it is.

Original poster

sunshineandshade · 21/10/2015 11:12

pnd is now recognised in men and its quite insulting that you have such strong opinions on it, i did want support. this has gone from me being rightfully angry at being left to a completely different scenario. he had started to get his antidepressants slowly reduced, however frustratingly sometimes he just he doesnt take his medication, which does concern me with letting him round dd. as angry as i am i do still love this man, and trying to figure out if he is just not the person i thought he was and left because he didnt want responsibility or left because he is ill is difficult, if he is ill i want to help him without looking and feeling like a mug

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 21/10/2015 11:27

I would take slow steps for now OP. With regards to figuring out if he's not the person you thought he was, or if it's his illness...that'll be a bit of a waiting game probably.

Do you have any support right now, from family or friends?

Original poster

sunshineandshade · 21/10/2015 11:40

Not a lot, i havent come to terms with him leaving im still in shock

OP posts:

TheBitchOfDestiny · 21/10/2015 11:43

op i know you are hurting and raw and your babys dad is being a twat

however that isn't a reason to deprive your dd of a dad

my eldest dc is nearly ten now, I split with his dad when he was months old, his dad was a complete dick to me and we were awful together. but just because he didn't want me didn't mean he didn't want his son. I hated letting him have access at first, but i had no safety concerns or anything so i had no right or reason to stop it. 9 years on their relationship is lovely, there is regular access, he has 2 brothers now from his dads new family. and also i remarried and had 2 more dc so he has 2 little sisters as well. we are all friends tbh, DS dad, stepmum and even his brothers class my girls as family.

its raw for you now but one day it will be ok

TheBitchOfDestiny · 21/10/2015 11:49

sorry just read your updates re the mental health stuff going on with him, maybe supervised contact would be for the best for now. but in any case, as dd is so young anyway then contact should be at your house for now anyway

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