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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by this?

92 replies

SomeDizzyWhore18O4 · 20/10/2015 08:59

My best friend of 26 years is getting married next year. Last week she sent me an email with details about her hen do, which said 'me and the bridesmaids are having a meeting about it next week'. Turns out that her five bridesmaids are all very glamorous newish friends she knows through her work. I know it's her wedding and it's up to her but I can't help but feel hurt. There are other issues around the wedding too - not least that she hasn't invited DH or DD (her goddaughter, who's 18). It's a massive wedding but most of the guests seem to be from her field of work (she works in TV). AIBU to feel a bit sad that she didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid despite growing up together, going through divorces, illness, flat sharing, uni etc together? Or should I stop being such a moany cow?

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 20/10/2015 09:04

Yabu

But
She's
'Meeting with her Bridesmaids' to discuss the hen do.

That makes me cringe.

spanisharmada · 20/10/2015 09:07

I don't think yabu, can absolutely see why you're hurt.
There's nothing you can do though except smile and be gracious, so have some Flowers

catfordbetty · 20/10/2015 09:07

she hasn't invited DH or DD (her goddaughter, who's 18

Why not? This seems very odd to me.

Only1scoop · 20/10/2015 09:11

Why do you think she hasn't invited your Dh and dd?

pinkdelight · 20/10/2015 09:13

Yabu. If you've got an 18yo DD I'd have thought you'd be grown up enough to be beyond wanting to be a bridesmaid and see the bigger picture. This is who she wants for her wedding now. There's no long service awards, except the enduring friendship itself.

AliciaMayEmory · 20/10/2015 09:14

Weddings can be aa bigger. YANBU to feel hurt. I would explain how upset you are about DH and DD not being invited. May be she has gotten carried away with the whole wedding planning and just not really though about it? (Benefit of the doubt)

SparklyTinselTits · 20/10/2015 09:14

It's odd that she hasn't invited your DH or DD Hmm especially since you say it's going to be quite a lavish affair!

AliciaMayEmory · 20/10/2015 09:15

Autocorrect! Meant to say 'weddings can bring out the worst in people'. Not sure how it change to that!! ^^

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 20/10/2015 09:17

YABU about not being a bridesmaid, but I think YWNBU to be hurt about your DH not being invited (less so DD as she is an adult). I think to expect someone to go to a wedding (where it's common to know practically no-one else) without a "plus one" is unfair.

Wishfulmakeupping · 20/10/2015 09:17

I think its pretty awful she's not invited her own goddaughter to her wedding actually.

Original poster
SomeDizzyWhore18O4 · 20/10/2015 09:19

I don't want to be a bridesmaid for the sake of being one, iyswim. I just thought she'd ask me because we're best friends, and we've always said we'd be bridesmaids at each others' weddings (she was at mine). I'm not upset about not wearing a fancy dress or anything, just hurt that she didn't ask.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 20/10/2015 09:22

You say she's your 'best friend'

But she hasn't invited your Dh or her god daughter?

Gazelda · 20/10/2015 09:23

Are you sure that your DH and DD aren't invited? The wedding is next year, so I imagine the formal invites haven't been sent out yet.

Bloomsberry · 20/10/2015 09:24

The bridesmaid issue is beside the point, surely - it's not the kind of quid pro quo thing you envisage when you're five and playing with Sindys - if she hasn't invited her goddaughter, or her supposed best friend's DH? That's the very odd thing in this scenario.

Lemonfizzypop · 20/10/2015 09:25

How can she have not invited your husband??!!

maybebabybee · 20/10/2015 09:29

I don't think YABU to feel hurt. YWBU to bring it up with her - but to 'feel hurt', no YANBU there. I hate the feelings police on here and the finger-waggers who are all 'oh so immature to still care about being bridesmaids'. you don't stop having feelings when you reach a certain age, regardless of what you do about them Hmm

ohtheholidays · 20/10/2015 09:29

I don't understand your upset about not being asked to be a bridesmaid but not about the fact that your friend hasn't invited your daughter her own Goddaughter or her best friends husband.

I'd be more upset about the lack of invites to be honest and if it was me and my bestfriend didn't invite my DH and children I wouldn't attend the wedding.

Etak15 · 20/10/2015 09:34

I would be hurt by this too but if it was my best friend then I would say something about it, Can't you reply with 'aren't I a bridesmaid then' or you could assume you'll be one and say 'is it ok for dd to come because dh will need some company while i'm doing bridesmaid duties' Maybe she thinks you wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid? Or maybe she's got something else planned for you like to 'give her away' or 'best woman' or something?

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 20/10/2015 09:35

You've pretty much described the plot of Bridesmaids. Watch the film - it might cheer you up Grin and you will be relieved that you are not a bridesmaid.

I think not inviting your DH or DD is poor though. Her new 'TV' friends are likely to be transient, you are obviously her oldest friend.

MonkeyPJs · 20/10/2015 09:36

YANBU to be hurt.

If her BM's are all new friends, as are many guests, I do wonder if there is an element of moving on with her life, feeling like she's a "new person" or that she's reinvented herself somewhat and that makes her less nostalgic for the past. That was certainly the case with a friend of mine who didn't invite a single old friend to her wedding - she didn't like the person she'd been, so preferred not to celebrate with the people that had mattered to her then as well.

carabos · 20/10/2015 09:38

You're not best friends. Or at least not in her mind. You are old friends.

AnonymousBird · 20/10/2015 09:44

She is not your best friend, sorry. YANBU that your DH and DD aren't invited, that's quite upsetting.

millymae · 20/10/2015 09:51

She may be your best friend OP, but from her actions I'm not sure she views you the same way. If you were truly her best friend rather than just a long-standing one then surely she would want you to be her bridesmaid and would want your family to share her special day too. I don't think YABU at all.

I can't argue with the fact that it's up to her and her OH to decide who they want to invite to their wedding but if it were me (and I could be cutting my nose off to spite my face here) I wouldn't be going out of way to attend either the hen party or the wedding.

CocktailQueen · 20/10/2015 09:55

YANBU. I would be hurt too. It sounds like she is reinventing herself or has moved on if she is surrounding herself with new friends. Or she could just be very shallow!

Why isn't she inviting your dh and her god-daughter, though? That's v bad.

poppycomeshome · 20/10/2015 09:56

I would be massively hurt too. It looks like she favours her new 'TV' friends, and you naturally feel left behind...I would feel the same as you. Unfortunately she has yet to learn the hard lesson in life that shiny new friends have the habit of moving on when it suits them/something better comes along, old and trusted friends are there for good. Usually.

I don't think this person can be considered to be your best friend, she is not, and probably hasn't been for years. When did she last care about your feelings? Your life? Are you being used as a backstop would be my question?

In fact she needs to be a the bottom of your friendship list after this. I would consider saving the money on the wedding outfits/presents/general expense and have a weekend away with my dh and family, she is not worth the effort. If you do still value the friendship then turn up, smile sweetly and leave early. Make no mistake this 'friend' has moved on, and it is time you did the same.

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