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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt by this?

92 replies

SomeDizzyWhore18O4 · 20/10/2015 08:59

My best friend of 26 years is getting married next year. Last week she sent me an email with details about her hen do, which said 'me and the bridesmaids are having a meeting about it next week'. Turns out that her five bridesmaids are all very glamorous newish friends she knows through her work. I know it's her wedding and it's up to her but I can't help but feel hurt. There are other issues around the wedding too - not least that she hasn't invited DH or DD (her goddaughter, who's 18). It's a massive wedding but most of the guests seem to be from her field of work (she works in TV). AIBU to feel a bit sad that she didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid despite growing up together, going through divorces, illness, flat sharing, uni etc together? Or should I stop being such a moany cow?

OP posts:

Andylion · 20/10/2015 21:46

Sorry for the double post.

angelos02 · 20/10/2015 21:50

I'm guessing she is 40 +? I doubt she'll be having bridesmaids at that age.

Sounbelievablydull · 20/10/2015 22:10

Friends over rated
You have a great husband and daughter by the sounds of things that makes you more fortunate than most.

NationMcKinley · 20/10/2015 22:11

I've not fully thread the whole thread, Dizzy ( clutches pearls etc). I think that YADDDDDNBU. I'm away that it's completely the bride's prerogative as to who to invite etc but she obviously knows that you have a disability which, as you've said, would make it hard to travel so far alone. I actually think that's rather mean. I have no disabilities and I'm a fairly confident person but I'd certainly find that kind of scenario hard.

I "split up" from my so-called best friend of 20+ years recently. She betrayed me so horribly when I was grieving for my amazing FIL (he'd been dead less than a week) and was unbelievably nasty to me and my young children who were sad about their grandfather and then traumatised by her vitriol. It made me see her true colours which I'd been trying to ignore for a looooooong time. Like you, I miss some of the shared memories and I miss her sense of humour. BUT!! I do not miss the way she treated me, the way she criticised me and the way she dropped me like a hot potato if someone more appealing came along.

I won't lie, it did affect my confidence for a while as it was right on the back of my FIL's death but I'm so glad it happened now. My life is less toxic.

You sound lovely and genuine. Chin up and have some . I really hope I didn't miss anything vital after breaking the First Rule of MN

zzzzz · 20/10/2015 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saucony · 20/10/2015 22:15

The more you write, you more I think you've had a lucky escape. You sound lovely and she doesn't deserve a lovely friend.

Fuck her. Enjoy your life without her.

TendonQueen · 20/10/2015 22:17

I have a funny feeling her marriage will go pear-shaped within about 5 years. Meanwhile, you will still have your DH and DD. For all your life may be less glamorous, you'll have more stuff that matters in it than she does in the long run. Bet the Johnny-come-lately friends won't last long either.

While you'd be fully justified in telling her straight out where to go, I think there's more mileage in declining citing plans with your family. It makes the point that you are choosing to stay away for something better. Best way of putting her in her place. Say that for both the hen weekend and the wedding itself and let the 'friendship' fade away.

ld7675 · 20/10/2015 22:24

I can relate to the one sided friendship thing and it does really hurt when you feel excluded - you are doing the right thing by not getting involved with the wedding and seeing the person for who she is. She's not worth making any effort for and you are the better person.

oneowlgirl · 20/10/2015 23:47

She sounds horrible op - complete user. Save your money & don't go to the hen weekend or wedding.

Not wanting to sound harsh but it sounds to me like she's dumping you by such blatant exclusion of your family. Sorry.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/10/2015 00:16

Exactly, she is just inviting you because she known you for so Long, she feels she has to. She has excluded your dh, where her other friends has their partners invited. Says it all really!

OnlyLovers · 21/10/2015 15:53

She sounds like a tosser.

Sorry, OP.

feebeecat · 21/10/2015 16:14

Another who agrees she's moved on and you don't "fit" in her new life now. If nothing else, not inviting dh or dd would clinch it for me.

I recently met up with a couple of old school friends, we had a pleasant enough evening, but I was astounded at how obsessed with money/position/power they were - they kind of represented everything I despair of in society, not a caring bone between them. At the end of the night, one commented that she had been a bit concerned about meeting after all this time, but we "hadn't changed a bit". I don't recall being so vile in my youth - will be giving them a wide berth in future still hurts a bit to see they meet regularly on the dreaded Facebook though

I would decline all invitations, but wouldn't mention not being able to afford it, that would probably meet her expectations of you. Just tell her you can't make it, she's probably so self absorbed she won't ask why.

MissMarpleCat · 21/10/2015 16:22

She sounds like a self absorbed, concieted bitch. I give the marriage a year

ILiveAtTheBeach · 21/10/2015 16:41

Gosh, I thought things couldn't get any worse, and then I read your post about her saying you had wasted your life! WTF. That's not something a friend would say. In fact, I wouldn't say that to anyone!

If I was you, I would write down all the stuff she has said or done, that you have found hurtful. Then, I would compose a letter, telling her exactly how she has made you feel and that your friendship cannot continue. I wouldn't sugar coat it. Sign off wishing her well. And never see her again.

As for the BM thing, I got married (2nd time) in my 40's, and my God daughter was one of my BM (aged 14), this seemed a better fit than her Mum, who was my age.

Btw, I doubt the marriage will last! She will get old and her career will fizzle, and I expect that around that time, Mr 15 years younger will get itchy feet and when you hear about it on the grapevine, I hope you open a bottle of champagne with DH and have a real good cackle

SuperFlyHigh · 21/10/2015 17:27

These sorts of friendships are a shame when they die but this friend has shown you who she is...

if she does (heaven forbid) contact you if/when something goes wrong after the wedding (and the new friends aren't good at consoling her) I hope you tell her where to go.

Sadly some of these people have nothing bad (or that bad) happen but you can make new friends and you have a lovely DH and DD.

NumbBlaseCold · 21/10/2015 21:10

She is a very different person with a very different lifestyle now.

She also views friendship differently because she has not been a good friend to you before this.

Best to stay and back away.

One day she may be more like your old best friend and if you want to see her then, then do so.

She isn't worth worrying about now, she won't be worrying or thinking about you so do not waste yourself on her.

Damselindestress · 21/10/2015 21:27

The bridesmaid issue sounds like the tip of the iceberg! How dare she say you have wasted your life! It seems that you have different priorities, you value stability while she is more showy and superficial. She clearly doesn't respect you or value your friendship and you deserve better.

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