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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by this?

92 replies

SomeDizzyWhore18O4 · 20/10/2015 08:59

My best friend of 26 years is getting married next year. Last week she sent me an email with details about her hen do, which said 'me and the bridesmaids are having a meeting about it next week'. Turns out that her five bridesmaids are all very glamorous newish friends she knows through her work. I know it's her wedding and it's up to her but I can't help but feel hurt. There are other issues around the wedding too - not least that she hasn't invited DH or DD (her goddaughter, who's 18). It's a massive wedding but most of the guests seem to be from her field of work (she works in TV). AIBU to feel a bit sad that she didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid despite growing up together, going through divorces, illness, flat sharing, uni etc together? Or should I stop being such a moany cow?

OP posts:
Original poster
SomeDizzyWhore18O4 · 20/10/2015 10:08

I absolutely agree that she doesn't seem to see me as her best friend anymore, and that in itself is sad. There are other things she's done recently which tally with that. What's odd though is when she got engaged I was the first person she told because she wanted me to know before anyone else, and that was only 4 months ago. When she went through a nasty break up last year we spoke several times a week (we live quite far apart). But she forgot DD's 18th birthday in May which wasn't like her. She didn't even acknowledge it after. Btw she has invited the DPs of other guests - colleagues mainly. DH isn't overly arsed he's not invited - he's long said that she doesn't treat me very well and only wants to bother with me when she's having a crisis or has something to brag about. Other people have said this too, over the years. But I think that it's sad that I would have to go alone, and altogether it does feel like a snub. It's almost like I'm not glamorous/important/cool enough for her wedding, but fine if she needs a shoulder to cry on.

OP posts:
Original poster
SomeDizzyWhore18O4 · 20/10/2015 10:11

Make no mistake this 'friend' has moved on, and it is time you did the same

Sadly, I think you're absolutely spot-on here Sad

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 20/10/2015 10:17

She's your best friend of 26 years standing, and she hasn't invited your husband to her wedding? She's going to split a couple apart at a ceremony celebrating the joining together of a couple? That's acceptable in a wedding that comprises the happy couple and two witnesses then lunch in the local, but not for "a massive wedding".

However, since it's "a massive wedding but most of the guests seem to be from her field of work (she works in TV)", I think I'd have to go with your best friend of 26 years is massively shallow and it's all about the photos and the networking.

Personally, I would decline the invitation.

Ohfourfoxache · 20/10/2015 10:17

I'm so sorry Some but she doesn't sound like a "friend" at all. She actually sounds quite the cunt Sad

Lemonfizzypop · 20/10/2015 10:20

I honestly don't think I'd go if my husband wasn't invited!

GloGirl · 20/10/2015 10:22

Yup, she's a Cunt. I'm sorry Sad

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 20/10/2015 10:23

She hasn't invited your DH or DDand apparently forgot DD's birthday - how often do you meet up these days? I can't believe she would fill you in on plans to meet up with her bridesmaids. No you're not a moany cow. I'm not sure I would feel like accepting the invitation.

Partybugs · 20/10/2015 10:24

I think your dh is spot on. You decide how to move forward now.. Accept it for what it is and go or decline and say why and walk away from the friendship

MsVestibule · 20/10/2015 10:34

She really is sending you a very loud and clear message. Your DH is right - she does just use you when the chips are down.

Whether you choose to accept this message is up to you. If I was in your situation, I'd quietly walk away from the friendship. Be busy on the night/weekend the hen night is arranged and politely decline the invitation when it arrives.

Do you have any other close friends?

Runningincircles · 20/10/2015 10:35

YDNBU, it seems she is rubbing your nose in it. You shouldgraciously say that you are unable to attend the hen do or wedding as you and your family have other plans.
Plan a lovely weekend away or day out to take your mind of it.
Should she get jilted at the Alter she will have to cry on one of her new friends shoulders!

F0xChat · 20/10/2015 10:36

I can imagine it hurts but at least you're being asked to be a bridesmaid. My good friend did NOT ask me. That baffled and upset me. I think it's odd she hasn't asked your husband. I'm single so I don't quite buy in to the two by two, other halves included social 'more' but this is a wedding, so it would be perceived by others to be odd too.

A good friend of mine chose the most glamorous of her newer friends to be her bridesmaids. They were all blonde and thin and glossy. (NOT that I was overweight or a 'sight' ) but I could see the line-up she was aiming for. I wasn't an exact fit. 18 years later, I'd say I' m the only one she's still friends with. She asked me to be her daughter's God mother.

minimalistaspirati0ns · 20/10/2015 10:38

Can you ask her if DH and DD are invited? Even though you know the answe

minimalistaspirati0ns · 20/10/2015 10:38

I wouldn't care about the bridesmaid thing

F0xChat · 20/10/2015 10:38

Oh sorry, I misread, she did not ask you to be a bridesmaid, well then Yanbu. It happened to me and it hurt. I felt so ugly.

CocktailQueen · 20/10/2015 10:38

FoxChat - OP has NOT been asked to be bridesmaid...

SlaggyIsland · 20/10/2015 10:44

I second the suggestion to decline your invite to the wedding, and of course the hen do. Make a bit of a stand that you won't be treated like shit.

F0xChat · 20/10/2015 10:44

Brew apologies. I haste-read the OP's first post.

Just to chime in to agree with PPs, I've heard of guests being upset that their boyfriend wasn't invited to a friend's wedding but I think it's an odd move, and a breach of etiquette (?) to invite such a long standing friend but not her husband. If she is your daughter's God mother, then she must have met your husband many times. Even if she hadn't , it'd still be odd.

I'm thinking back to my own friend nearly two decades ago, she didn't work in TV but the wedding was in a gorgeous chapel surrounded by cherry trees and she could see Hello and Hola photographers in her minds eye I think. It hurts! I would like to say that although I am only 156cm with brown frizzy hair, I can blow dry my hair, I can put on heels, I wouldn't have looked like rebel wilson (fat amy) in the line up of bridesmaids, so it did hurt a lot at the time.

F0xChat · 20/10/2015 10:45

Yes, make a bit of a stand. I agree with slaggyisland.

middlings · 20/10/2015 10:54

She's not your friend anymore, sorry. If my "best friend" didn't invite DH to a wedding, I wouldn't go. Simple as that. And DH and I do lots of socialising apart so it's not that I won't go places without him. In fact, I rarely go places WITH him!!

This isn't just about the wedding. It's about the fact that she's mean Sad.

Grapejuicerocks · 20/10/2015 10:58

I'd be hurt too.

party is right
Accept it for what it is and go, or decline and say why and walk away from the friendship

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/10/2015 10:59

"DH isn't overly arsed he's not invited - he's long said that she doesn't treat me very well and only wants to bother with me when she's having a crisis or has something to brag about. Other people have said this too, over the years."
Right, so her shallowness is of long-standing, and it is obvious to others.

Listen to your DH. He's right.

CrapBag · 20/10/2015 11:03

She hasnt asked her best friend of 26 years to be bridesmaid

She forgot her goddaughters 18th

She hasn't invited her or her best friends DH

She only pops up when she is needy

She is inviting lots of people from her work which is TV shallow

People have pointed out that she doesn't treat you well and is a user

Seriously OP, she isn't your friend. Do yourself a favour and don't even go to her wedding. She has strung you along for too long, don't let her treat you this way anymore. She sounds like a self important cow who only wants to mix with 'important' people.

Fratelli · 20/10/2015 11:12

Yanbu, she sounds like a bit of a knob tbh! Having a meeting about a hen do sounds like a barrel of laughs Hmm

Dumdedumdedum · 20/10/2015 11:13

I understand you completely, OP, something similar happened to me a long time ago. I am still the oldest friend of, and in contact with, the person concerned, but you have just reminded me of the hurt I felt at the time. I don't think YABU, at all, but perhaps, as your husband says, it is time for you to move on from this one-sided friendship - mark it by not attending the hen night or the wedding.

Aspergallus · 20/10/2015 11:14

Don't go. Life's too short and all that.

Up to you whether you tell her why or not, but if you do I'd be polite, calm and offer your best wishes for the future. Be the bigger person.