Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by this?

92 replies

SomeDizzyWhore18O4 · 20/10/2015 08:59

My best friend of 26 years is getting married next year. Last week she sent me an email with details about her hen do, which said 'me and the bridesmaids are having a meeting about it next week'. Turns out that her five bridesmaids are all very glamorous newish friends she knows through her work. I know it's her wedding and it's up to her but I can't help but feel hurt. There are other issues around the wedding too - not least that she hasn't invited DH or DD (her goddaughter, who's 18). It's a massive wedding but most of the guests seem to be from her field of work (she works in TV). AIBU to feel a bit sad that she didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid despite growing up together, going through divorces, illness, flat sharing, uni etc together? Or should I stop being such a moany cow?

OP posts:
Sweetsweetjane · 20/10/2015 18:02

Dear ex best friend

I won't be able to attend your wedding as dh and I will belatedly be celebrating dd's 18th birthday.
Obviously you know why we couldn't celebrate it this year so I don't need to go into it again, thanks for your kindness and understanding during that difficult time.

I Wish you all the best at your beautiful wedding with the beautiful people.

Ciao dahling

Mwah

TendonQueen · 20/10/2015 18:14

One more saying decline the invitation and do something with your lovely family instead. Your DH has got the measure of this 'friend'.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 20/10/2015 18:35

YANBU. She has chosen her 5 minute friends over you as a bridesmaid. Is excluding your family from the wedding. She can't use the no children chestnut as your dd is 18.
I would be telling her to stick her wedding up her arse

Original poster
SomeDizzyWhore18O4 · 20/10/2015 19:32

Sweetsweetjane that made me laugh! Love it Grin

Re the hen - the email said that the budget would be 'around about £350 each'. She knows full well I can't afford that - DH is facing redundancy (which I did mention to her a while back but wasn't even acknowledged) and I'm disabled and can't work. We have to watch every penny atm. Apparently her and the bridesmaids are 'booking the hen early to keep costs down so everyone can afford to go'. The wedding itself is hundreds of miles away in a remote place and will cost a fortune to get to with travel, hotels etc and tbh with my disability I don't feel confident travelling to it alone anyway. But I've decided that won't be an issue because I'm not going. I've been thinking a lot about our 'friendship' today and I've realised just how shit she's been over the years - like my 21st birthday night out when it was just me and her going for a few drinks, and she abandoned me in the pub when some bloke from a band put her on the guest list for his gig that night. That's just one example, albeit from a long time ago. She also laughs at our old friends behind their backs because of their 'sad lives' (basically they've got married/had kids/don't do glamorous jobs like her and her new friends). The thought occurred today that she probably laughs at me, too. Also I agree with a pp who said she's only interested in pretty wedding photos - a bridesmaid with a walking stick who's not a perfect size 8 probably doesn't match her vision of a perfect wedding.

To the pp who asked if I have any other close friends, the answer is no. I don't have any other friends at all, or family apart from DH and DD. I think, and I hate to say it, desperation and to an extent loneliness is the reason I've clung on to this friendship despite it being pretty toxic.

OP posts:
rageagainsttheBIL · 20/10/2015 19:39

You sound lovely OP and very self aware, it can be hard to make friends as an adult and I imagine even harder if you have mobility issues but you deserve better friends than this.

Narp · 20/10/2015 19:53

Watch Bridesmaids iof you've not already seen it

Then maybe try and emulate the character Kristen Wigg plays

AnthonyPandy · 20/10/2015 19:55

Having no friends (if you bin this one) can be a good thing - a fresh start if you like. You will be free to try out new sewing classes (or whatever floats your boat) and you might find you will be more open to friendship opportunities through sheer desperation.

That's come out totally wrong.

Let me try again - a fresh, clean start with no distractions for you. Does that make sense?

expatinscotland · 20/10/2015 20:06

'he's long said that she doesn't treat me very well and only wants to bother with me when she's having a crisis or has something to brag about. Other people have said this too, over the years. But I think that it's sad that I would have to go alone, and altogether it does feel like a snub. It's almost like I'm not glamorous/important/cool enough for her wedding, but fine if she needs a shoulder to cry on.'

Listen to them and yourself. It's time to let her go because she's a user. Don't invest anymore of your time on her. She sounds like a bitch. If you don't feel up to cutting her out completely, just ignore invitations or be busy or have plans. Just text back, 'Sorry, can't make it. Have plans already.' 'Sorry, can't make it. Something came up. Best.xANicePersonNotaCowLikeYou'.

Fuck this psychic vampire. She's just an energy drainer and yeah, she probably laughs at you behind your back just like the rest.

Next time she rings you with a crisis, it needs to be, 'I have to go. I'll call you later.' And then don't.

IF you can't say, 'I don't have time for your dramas anymore. In fact, I don't have time for you at all. Bye.'

LarrytheCucumber · 20/10/2015 20:15

No-one's mentioned the man she's marrying. Is he 'in TV'? He could be having quite an influence on her as well and she might feel she has to live up to whatever he thinks is important.

itsmine · 20/10/2015 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/10/2015 20:32

Yanbu I woukd be hurt too, you are entitled to feel the way you do, you have known her for so long and are very close. All you can do is accept it with good grace.

derxa · 20/10/2015 20:36

It's all about the image OP and you don't fit. You have a lovely DH and DD. Fuck her. I don't say this lightly because I love a wedding.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/10/2015 20:39

Oh gosh ivejust read your other posts, she sounds very shallow and superficial, and not much of a friend. Yes you have known her all these years, but I think it's you that's tried in this 'friendship', not her. Yes she probably is talking about you behind your back, if she's talking about her other older friends. I think she's surrounding herself with young trendy types who are also in the media, you do not fit the image she is trying hard to be. Sorry op, you do sound lovely. This friendship has probably run its course.

Epilepsyhelp · 20/10/2015 21:08

How on earth is anyone saying OP Is BU for being upset at not being asked to be BM?! This is her best friend, she was BM for OP, it's been discussed in the past. I would be really hurt.

LadyLonely1 · 20/10/2015 21:13

Yanbu op. She's given you more than enough reasons to not even bother going.
Your dh is right about her. Seems like you are a 'safe' friend - always there for her in a crisis but never a priority to you.
And the cheek of expecting you to fork out that money for hen do when you have bigger problems.
Don't bother going, send a card and leave it at that.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/10/2015 21:15

She sounds awful, she knows your disabled and need help, yet she has not invited your dh or dd, what a cow. Your best off without her.

iklboo · 20/10/2015 21:22

Get her a lovely sampler stitched with

'Be careful who you shit on while you're on your way to the top
You'll have to meet them all again when you're on your way back down

airforsharon · 20/10/2015 21:25

OP have you posted about her wedding plans before?

The distance you'd need to travel to the wedding, the expense and your DH's redundancy all ring bells......Either way, it's sounding grimmer the more you post. She's sounding grimmer, and shallow as a puddle.

Original poster
SomeDizzyWhore18O4 · 20/10/2015 21:32

Thank you for such lovely posts. I'm a bit teary reading them Smile

No-one's mentioned the man she's marrying. Is he 'in TV'? He could be having quite an influence on her as well and she might feel she has to live up to whatever he thinks is important

He's 15 years younger than her and works in HR, nothing to do with her field at all. He's definitely not part of her usual social circle but judging from his FB posts he's totally in awe of her and her lifestyle - he's always posting pics himself with actors etc he's met through her and checking in at showbizzy parties and things. DH has a theory that she likes to surround herself with sycophants - she's been pissed off with me before for not paying her enough compliments because that's 'a best friend's job'. Looks bonkers written down. Anyway, maybe that's why she's marrying someone so young and in awe of her.

PPs are quite right - I have a lovely DH and DD and I don't need her making me feel like crap anymore. Whenever we meet she says stuff like 'You're so clever, you could have done anything with your life, don't you ever feel sad you've wasted it?'. I recently broke my foot and have been stuck in the house for 3 weeks - she didn't even acknowledge it, much less say get well soon. Stuff like that. Not much individually, but it all adds up.

It's sad, we do have some genuinely lovely shared memories, but the friendship has definitely run its course. In fact it probably did that a decade ago.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 20/10/2015 21:36

'Anyway, maybe that's why she's marrying someone so young and in awe of her. '

He'll dump her and leave her for a younger model. Grin

She's awful to say that to you.

F0xglove · 20/10/2015 21:40

well, just tell her you can't afford it, and you're going to spend what little money you have on a short break for the three of you. By the sounds of it, she'll be relieved (temporarily). She'll think, oh phew, problem solved, my two worlds won't collide and make me feel a teeny tiny bit awkward.

Trooperslane · 20/10/2015 21:40

Oh some.

I have a very long friendship which is probably on the way out, because I have made all the effort for years and I have stopped, because I have too much on my plate already.

I've had a very rough year and friends I've met recently (I was excruciatingly lonely for years) have been 100 times more supportive than this friend, though they do have their moments.

Don't be afraid to take charge and walk away. I would be very unlikely to accept an invitation like this which didn't include dh.

Trooperslane · 20/10/2015 21:41

How would she feel if you said to her

"You could have been so nice and supportive. Don't you feel you've wasted your life?"

See how she likes it.

Andylion · 20/10/2015 21:43

If you've got an 18yo DD I'd have thought you'd be grown up enough to be beyond wanting to be a bridesmaid and see the bigger picture. This is who she wants for her wedding now. There's no long service awards, except the enduring friendship itself. You've got that the wrong way around, Pink. The bigger picture is that the bride doesn't value the OP's friendship; she's not even among the top five.

OP, you seem to have realized that your friendship isn't what you thought it was. I think you have made the right decision in not going.

Andylion · 20/10/2015 21:44

If you've got an 18yo DD I'd have thought you'd be grown up enough to be beyond wanting to be a bridesmaid and see the bigger picture. This is who she wants for her wedding now. There's no long service awards, except the enduring friendship itself. You've got that the wrong way around, Pink. The bigger picture is that the bride doesn't value the OP's friendship; she's not even among the top five.

OP, you seem to have realized that your friendship isn't what you thought it was. I think you have made the right decision in not going.