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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that whispering in company is just plain rude?

34 replies

kweggie · 19/10/2015 21:58

My BIL's daughter is ten. She is encouraged by her mother to tell tales and complain if she does not get her own way.
The thing that really REALLY annoys me though is the way she takes her mum aside and they whisper together if she wants her mum to intervene so that she can get her own way. I feel so affronted I am speechless. AIBU?
And what do I do or say?

OP posts:
BYOSnowman · 19/10/2015 22:03

my bil and sil do this all the time. i remember one year i was making avocado soup. they watched me and whispered whilst giggling. when i served it they did a big 'oh, that's what she was doing' hee hee hee

they are adults...

in your case what kind of things is she getting her own way on?

itsmeohlord · 19/10/2015 22:05

Ignore her and see her only when absolutely necessary. That way there will be no tales to tell about you.

Original poster
kweggie · 19/10/2015 22:30

BYOSnowman, things like''I want to sit in that chair can you tell her to move''(That's the adult she wants moving.And her mum does what she says)
Or ''Aunty Kweggie won't took her laptop off me/won't let me touch xyz/'' (she dropped my laptop after being asked not to pick it up...

OP posts:
BYOSnowman · 19/10/2015 22:31

In that case I think you just need to say
'No, there's another seat over there'

'No she can't use it'

Or 'if she wants to use my laptop she needs to ask me herself'

Don't be afraid of being rude - doesn't seem to worry your sil!

Olivepip59 · 19/10/2015 22:34

Fix her with a gimlet eye and announce in swooping Maggie-Smith-tones that 'whispering is vulgar and little girls who whisper will meet with A Sticky End.'

mumofthemonsters808 · 19/10/2015 22:35

I know how you feel and I agree. My neighbour and her son insist on walking to school with us and they regularly whisper to each other. I'm not sure whether to carry on talking or walk away, I've just started walking off when they do this, but it really pisses me off. I just want to walk with my Dd and enjoy her company but every time I leave the house they are there waiting.

SistersOfPercy · 19/10/2015 22:48

Dd had a friend like this. She slept over once when they were about eleven and every question I asked her even down to 'what would you like for breakfast ' she whispered the answer to dd behind her hand.

More baffling still was when I met her mum who also responded to anything by whispering to her husband who'd then repeat it. It was all very very strange and my first thought was she had some anxiety, then I discovered the mother was a primary school teacher so I assume she manages to speak then.
Even now though dds friend is 17 and still, in twelve years of friendship hasn't uttered a word to me.

Original poster
kweggie · 19/10/2015 23:01

SistersofPercy,
it's the fact that her own mother joining in that validates it for the child. I suppose I don't want the aggro of a child and a parent. We don't see them very often but I'm already getting wound up in advance of their Christmas pit-stop.

We watched in amazement last year as they received our Christmas gifts and unwrapped them straightaway ( a few days before) in front of us as their daughter 'didn't believe in Father Christmas'.

OP posts:
AliMonkey · 19/10/2015 23:04

SistersOfPercy, could your DD's friend have selective mutism? DS does and this would describe his behaviour: unable to speak to eg a friend's parent but whisper to friend who can the pass the message on. If he goes to a play date somewhere he hasn't been before I have to explain in advance otherwise the parent thinks he is rude. The mother could have same issue - SM can often mean the person is completely "normal" in some circs and unable to speak in others, and there isn't always a logical pattern to it.

If there isn't an anxiety issue then in answer to OP's question yes it is rude but would ask you all to consider the possibility of SM before concluding that the whispering is rude.

SistersOfPercy · 19/10/2015 23:07

Dds friend and her mother communicated in whispers so I get where you are coming from. That was a whole dynamic though I doubt I'll ever work out (father was lovely, talkative, always stopped for a chat).

As a 70s kid I think my mother's mantra was always "its rude to whisper!'. I think I'd be inclined to shout 'pardon? Didn't catch that' every time they did it though.

ForChina · 19/10/2015 23:10

Yeah I think this is rude. I try to discourage my kids from whispering.

SistersOfPercy · 19/10/2015 23:10

I guess it's possible Ali yes, something I'd not considered really. Friend spoke to peers but not adults (bit could go into a shop and order things from an adult ), friends mum was actually a respected deputy head. It was illogical so yes Ali, I think you've probably solved a twelve year mystery for me.

Kingoftheroad · 20/10/2015 00:41

I think it's just plain rude and bad mannered. I cannot abide people allowing their children to do this. I find it incredibly embarrassing just sitting there feeling stupid, whilst a child controls the whole situation. Parents are even more rude for encouraging it. I tend to avoid socialising with people who condone this

KoalaDownUnder · 20/10/2015 02:16

What King said.

frigginell · 20/10/2015 02:43

You are over-reacting, or you wrote this with tongue in cheek, I don't know.

I don't like the term "telling tales" being used as a criticism.

Garrick · 20/10/2015 03:09

It's incredibly rude. I've done it more than a few times, and am sure I will again.

But you're talking about a child whose mother has encouraged her to tell her all her little worries in private. I think it's a good policy, tbh, though at ten she might be expected to distinguish between 'private' worries and stuff she can sort out for herself.

YANBU and YABU but, since it's a child, you're slightly more unreasonable than not.

Garrick · 20/10/2015 03:12

We watched in amazement last year as they received our Christmas gifts and unwrapped them straightaway

Oof. YA definitely BU over this! People do Christmas differently. Not your role to disapprove.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/10/2015 03:20

The issue is not her whispering. Perfectly fine for a child to whisper to a parent at this age. What if she was scared, or uncomfortable about something? Children should also be encouraged to confide in their parents.

The problem is her DM encouraging her to rely on adult support in matters which she either should leave alone, or deal with herself.

Lonecatwithkitten · 20/10/2015 03:29

I really dislike whispering and have a 'if you can't say it out loud don't say it at all' rule in my house.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 20/10/2015 05:45

Agree with Garrick about the Christmas presents but the rest...you've been advised well.

Stick to your guns and say "No, I'm sitting here." or "That's right, she's not allowed my laptop" whilst smiling and then change the subject

kungpopanda · 20/10/2015 06:02

Perfectly fine to whisper? And apparently ONLY whisper when in cerain social situations? At TEN? There's either something deeply wrong with this child or with the mother. Betting on the mother, personally. But the child could do with being brought up short, too.

clearsommespace · 20/10/2015 06:17

What Mrs Terry Pratchett said.
DD 10 often whispers to me. But not usually to get her own way but because she is shy or because she is worried about getting something wrong in a social situation. Eg if she is offered a plate of biscuits and takes one then the plate of biscuits is left on the table. She will whisper 'is it okay to ask for another or can I just help myself?'. I always encourage her to ask the host herself but she usually won't. She has made progress because she will now with certain people. It took her until she was 8 to ask grandparents directly even though from age 6 we lived in the same city and saw them weekly.

HeyMicky · 20/10/2015 06:20

My DN does this, also aged 10, been going on for years. I can't understand why everyone indulges her and call her out on it, even in PIlLs home. A nice, cheery, "Sorry, DN, we couldn't all hear that. What was it you were saying?"

IguanaTail · 20/10/2015 06:27

My friend's daughter does that. Luckily my friend says to her that she's not interested and not going to listen if she whispers. It happened last time I went to theirs for dinner and was just the 3 of us.

She's 10. I felt really embarrassed when she started it, because she was giving me sideways glances all along, just so I was clear it would be about me. She was livid when her mum didn't respond.

She's always been a really over indulged and rude girl though, despite my friend's efforts. YANBU - it's appallingly rude.

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 20/10/2015 06:51

frig "telling tales" is pejorative because sometimes its the term for reporting things to adults just to get others into trouble - its utterly different from telling an adult about a situation you need help with. At 3 a child won't be able to tell the difference, at 10 a NT child will.

A relative uses her child to to watch and report on the behaviour of other people's younger children and she is "tale telling" and being encouraged to do so - relative's DC will be sent to "keep an eye" on the other children (which in itself is all kinds of wrong) and will then return to the adults and loudly report that "Fred said a rude word and and Lilly picked her nose, and Fred snatched a toy and Lilly pushed Fred" or similar trivia - the smaller children will have sorted out their minor disagreement but relative and her DC will expect the tale telling to result in a telling off for Fred and Lilly.

It is tale telling because its pointless and trouble making/ malicious - if Fred or Lilly sought adult help over the pushing/ snatching that would not be tale telling as they felt they needed adult intervention. If relative's DC was concerned for the safety of Fred or Lilly it would not be tale telling - but when Fred and Lilly have sorted their very minor disagreement and continued happily playing, relative's DC is being encouraged to tale tell.

No whispering involved - tale telling side issue! :o

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