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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DP should spend his birthday with me?

116 replies

BakeMe · 19/10/2015 18:47

We were sitting watching telly this evening and my DP just came out with ''I'm going out with my Dad and his mates for my 21st'', we'll be round Mums during the day''. My initial reaction was hurt, but then I thought well it's HIS birthday.. Then I felt hurt again that his choice isn't to spend it with me.

I think my facial expression gave something away because he said ''why, did you want to go out or something darling?'' I wanted to reply well yes! We went out for dinner for my birthday, I spent that day with you (after he finished work).

We have no DC (apart from the one I'm carrying), so it's not like they're missing out on Daddy's birthday.

AIBU and I should just realise he's going to have a good piss up (like he said he wanted earlier), and we can go for dinner or something the following evening? Or, AINBU? I really can't decide and I don't really know how to feel Sad must be my hormones.

His birthday is on a Sunday, and it's not until the 13th December so it's a good while away.

Thank you Grin

OP posts:
CheekyMaleekey · 20/10/2015 08:24

Of course my posts are transparent - I'm saying what I mean.

Twenty year olds getting pregnant and hanging out with their parents is depressing.

jorahmormont · 20/10/2015 08:35

So the parents should say "Nope, sorry, you got pregnant - don't want to be around you right now"? Most 20 year olds, pregnant or not, have great relationships with their parents, see them frequently and spend time with them.

CheekyMaleekey · 20/10/2015 08:42

No they don't. Many, many are away at university, many will have left home, and certainly the vast majority will be more interested in hanging out with friends.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 20/10/2015 08:44

There are lots of threads on Relationships posting about men with no sense of responsibility, who are selfish, immature and treat their DPs badly, who drop in and out of family life when it suits them and expect their DPs to accommodate them. I always wonder if it's a reflection on how their parents raised them but generally most parents talk as though they try to instil a sense of responsibility in their DCs and try to shatter stereotypes.

Then there is a thread like this with posts infantising 21-yr-olds; posts trying to be deliberately provocative and 'jokey' Hmm posts suggesting gfs should have a shag and shut up. And suddenly it's easy to see where entitled men-children get their values from. . .

jorahmormont · 20/10/2015 08:49

Cheeky are you 20, or do you have a large number of friends who are 20?

I do, and my Facebook feed is filled with friends saying they're excited to go shopping with their mum, or can't wait to see their mum and dad again, or are enjoying watching films etc with their parents.

Going to university or leaving home doesn't mean you cut all ties with your parents and never hang out with them again Hmm I don't know what twenty year olds you've ben hanging out with...

CheekyMaleekey · 20/10/2015 08:52

I'm surrounded by people in their late teens and early twenties. Someone pregnant (or gf pregnant) at 20 and choosing to hang-out with their dad on the night of their 21st birthday would stick out like a sore thumb. People would feel sorry for them.

jorahmormont · 20/10/2015 09:00

We clearly have very different groups of friends, then - if anyone said anything negative about someone spending their 21st the way they want to spend it, they'd be told that it's none of their business and to find something better to do than interfere in other people's lives.

Pidapie · 20/10/2015 09:01

Celebrate on a different day the two of you, but there's nothing wrong with what he wants :) Just let him go out in the evening, and maybe you can go out for dinner in the weekend or something!

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 20/10/2015 12:32

The plan for his birthday surely should be you going out with him the night before his birthday, giving him full English breakfast in bed on his birthday, quick birthday bonk, then he goes to mothers for late lunch, then out with friends for the evening.

Ugh.

Alohamora · 20/10/2015 13:06

When is your baby due OP?

Original poster
BakeMe · 20/10/2015 13:24

I found a lot of these comments ludicrous, sorry I abandoned my post last night (fell asleep).

Yes, he's 21, but that's a number and not a reflection of his lifestyle at 21. And excuse me, but to the person saying he should spend it with his family/dad because I've known him for a year and they've known him for 21 years, that's bonkers! So I'm not as important (as the mother of his child), all because I haven't known him since he was a crying infant?

People have also commented that I'm 'boring' and act Middle Aged. I find that really hurtful, I don't not want him to have fun at all, nor do I want to sit sober but 'middle aged me' is speaking again when I say I don't wish to intoxicate my baby with alcohol.

It's fine that he's going out with his Dad etc on the evening, that wasn't the issue. The issue was he didn't have much regard towards me, whilst I would at least consider how he feels when I have birthday plans.

As someone has said, since this isn't a regular occurrence, I'm turning a blind eye and settling for a good DVD and goodies the following evening. I did mention I had a hiccup and I stayed at my Mums, and I will confess that it's me who left. I felt overly emotional, and just wanted my Mum to chat to. He understood, we only spend 2 days away from each other. No big deal.

Thank you for all of those who've been considerate and have seen that I'm not a nasty old witch who wants to trap him. I've no issues with him having the odd evening out, but I appreciate that we are both very considerate of what one another does, hence me being a little hurt by the whole announcement of his birthday plans 2 months in advanced.

Thank you anyway Smile

OP posts:
maybebabybee · 20/10/2015 13:45

wow cheekey. I'm 26 now but when I was 20 and always I loved hanging out with my mum and siblings, and my extended family. More so than my friends. Now I still spend my birthday with DP + my family, not friends. Doesn't make me weird, people are just different!

Original poster
BakeMe · 20/10/2015 14:26

maybebaby, there's nothing wrong with that at all. I'm very close with with family and I absolutely love being in their company. All my friends already have quite busy families so we're not on each others case every 5 minutes.

OP posts:
PenelopeClearwater · 20/10/2015 18:04

I'm 29 and spend a lot of time with my mum. We go for Sunday dinner most weekends. We go away together. I'm probably extremely sad but I don't care.

Bunbaker · 20/10/2015 20:55

"Twenty year olds getting pregnant and hanging out with their parents is depressing"
"Someone pregnant (or gf pregnant) at 20 and choosing to hang-out with their dad on the night of their 21st birthday would stick out like a sore thumb. People would feel sorry for them"

Cheeky are you always this nasty?

I left home at 19. When I saw my parents it was because I wanted to spend time with them. I even went on holiday with them when I was 20. I didn't stick out like a sore thumb.

I'm sorry if you don't have a good relationship with your parents, but there is no need to be horrible about those who do.

Original poster
BakeMe · 20/10/2015 22:15

It's nice to hear of other posters that have good relationships with their families, after all, they might be all you have one day.

OP posts:
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