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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DP should spend his birthday with me?

116 replies

BakeMe · 19/10/2015 18:47

We were sitting watching telly this evening and my DP just came out with ''I'm going out with my Dad and his mates for my 21st'', we'll be round Mums during the day''. My initial reaction was hurt, but then I thought well it's HIS birthday.. Then I felt hurt again that his choice isn't to spend it with me.

I think my facial expression gave something away because he said ''why, did you want to go out or something darling?'' I wanted to reply well yes! We went out for dinner for my birthday, I spent that day with you (after he finished work).

We have no DC (apart from the one I'm carrying), so it's not like they're missing out on Daddy's birthday.

AIBU and I should just realise he's going to have a good piss up (like he said he wanted earlier), and we can go for dinner or something the following evening? Or, AINBU? I really can't decide and I don't really know how to feel Sad must be my hormones.

His birthday is on a Sunday, and it's not until the 13th December so it's a good while away.

Thank you Grin

OP posts:
Shakirasma · 19/10/2015 19:07

My DH spent his 50th birthday in San Marino watching the Endland game with his mates.

Whilst my ideal way to spend my birthday involves doing something with him, he has a different ideal for his own birthday.

Each to their own, it's no reflection on their feelings towards you.

RB68 · 19/10/2015 19:07

My parents were married at 20 and Mum was 21 and a few months when she had me - Dad had his 21st after I arrived. I don't think they did anything other than go for a drink in the local bless em.

Its his birthday and he wants you there for the day and he wants a pint with his Dad and mates in the evening, he's happy to take you too - how about asking MIL to go for a lemonade and coming home when you feel like it with her and leave the boys to the pub.

But I get the lack of communication issue - he is not used to the two of us thing yet by the sounds of it. I might mention you were just a bit surprised he had already decided and not mentioned anything, but don't make a big thing about it though

Katedotness1963 · 19/10/2015 19:07

My vote would be to let him go out with his mates at night. You do something with him the day before or the day after.

Original poster
BakeMe · 19/10/2015 19:13

I suppose it's fair that I just don't mention anything and let him go with his Dad etc. I don't see why he has to go to his Mum's though, I could have a nice lunch with him instead. I didn't get to spend the evening (or day) with my Mum because he'd already planned something without my knowledge and I had to leave my family in the lerk with their birthday nibbles etc because he'd already paid for an expensive venue etc. If it wasn't for my Mum insisting that I go, I might've stayed for his lack of consideration, cheeky sod. I know he meant well though.

OP posts:
HSMMaCM · 19/10/2015 19:20

Have your couple outing the night before. I went abroad with a friend for my 50th and I could tell that my DH was half 'wtf' and half 'that saves me arranging anything' Grin.

Original poster
BakeMe · 19/10/2015 19:24

HSM, you've just reminded me that only days ago I was panicking about how I'd top/match DP's fancy birthday meal which I had this year Grin looks like I can get away with a little lunch now.

I'm avoiding having a 'second birthday evening'. Sod him, I'll buy us a DVD for the following evening and some goodies. Sorted!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 19/10/2015 19:33

Who the hell are these people saying you are selfish for not letting him spend his 21st birthday without you?

OP, why doesn't he go out drinking with his dad etc on the Saturday night and spend the Sunday with you?

Epilepsyhelp · 19/10/2015 19:36

YABU I think, it's his birthday and he wants to share it with all of his family, you included.

SolsburyHell · 19/10/2015 19:40

Because it's his 21st birthday! He wants to go on the lash with his mates during the evening and spend the day with his dp and parents. Sounds like a great plan. He's 21, he doesn't want quiet lunches, he wants to celebrate.

EponasWildDaughter · 19/10/2015 19:43

If you weren't pregnant i expect he would have included you in the evening drinking plans from the get go. Maybe some more couples, mixed company, some of your friends perhaps. As it is, because you cant go drinking, he's having a few drinks with his dad and some mates.

He's probably spending time with his mum on the day because he knows she'd like to see him on his 21st. (seeing that he's around and not away somewhere).

Glad you've settled on a plan anyway. DVD and goodies sounds nice :)

TTTatty · 19/10/2015 19:44

I am definitely getting the vibe that he forced the you spending your birthday with him as a 'nice surprise' he booked for you? And there was a little comment he would not like you not spending your birthday evening with him?
If I am right then that would grate. Yes, he can do what he wants on his birthday but then so should you!

The answer is not to stop him but to make sure you get to do exactly what you want to.

I think there is a deeper issue here

Marilynsbigsister · 19/10/2015 19:48

I'm sorry if I sound like the evil fairy at the party, because you sound like you are really chilled and happy together. The party sounds like he will have fun and you are right to just let him enjoy it. My point is that he is your 'dp' and not your 'dh'. Seriously, if you are having a baby, unless you have your own private income and a home of your own, your priority should be to get married. .. Look at the difference between your entitlements as a 'wife' with child/children and 'dp' with children. It doesn't cost a fortune, if he is committed enough to make a baby with you then he is committed enough to get to the registry office. No need for fancy wedding, just do the legal stuff with you parents or a couple of friends ...the rest can come later . (Ignore this part if you are high earning above dp , own your own home and just planning to take MAT leave before returning).

BrandNewAndImproved · 19/10/2015 19:51

I think it's really lovely of him to want to see his dm. When your baby reaches 21 I hope s/he feels the same about you.

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 19/10/2015 19:53

The good news is, OP, after this, no-one will care about his birthday again til he's 30! And once you have kids, you will have a lot more to concern yourself with!

Runningupthathill82 · 19/10/2015 19:57

Is there more going on here, OP? You say you had a "little hiccup" and spent a few days at your mum's.
As responsible parents-to-be you can't just run home if you argue; you need to discuss it and sort it out one way or another.

FWIW, I think his arrangements for his birthday sound entirely sensible - a family day with you and his mum etc, before a night out with his mates. Best of both worlds.

ImperialBlether · 19/10/2015 19:59

For those of you saying how lovely he wants to see his mum, have you not read the OP saying she couldn't see her mum on her birthday because he insisted on them going out together?

Runningupthathill82 · 19/10/2015 20:04

....yes, but she'd been staying with her mum as they'd fallen out, so had already seen her mum on her birthday morning?

Sounds to me like the DP wanted to make up and thought a birthday treat was a good way to do it?

TTTatty · 19/10/2015 20:06

Sounds to me like he calls all the shots and happily dumps the OP when HE feels like it :-/

APlaceOnTheCouch · 19/10/2015 20:16

I seem out of step with most people on this thread because I think he should have prioritised spending time with you during the day rather than you having to fit in around his DM, his DF and his mates. I'm a big advocate of fussing round someone on their birthday but I don't get this 'he's 21 so he needs to get pissed with his mates' Hmm . Yes he is 21 but he's also in a grown-up relationship with a baby on the way. He sounds a bit immature and tbh I'm surprised how many posters seem to be doing the equivalent of patting him on the head and saying 'awe, the little boy needs to get drunk so you have to suck it up' .

He made damn sure that you did what he wanted on your birthday and now he's making sure you do what he wants on his birthday. I'm wondering if this selfishness contributed to you spending time at your mum's earlier.

ImperialBlether · 19/10/2015 20:20

I agree with you, APlaceOnTheCouch. He does sound immature. I know he's young, but he's living with his partner and having a baby - time to grow up.

RiverTam · 19/10/2015 20:20

But equally she's said they don't tend to do anything without their families (her DP appears to be going out with his dad for his 21st!). Which all sounds unbearably stifling to me.

CheekyMaleekey · 19/10/2015 20:20

"Private couple time", "always with family" - jeez is he going to be 21 or 41?!

ImperialBlether · 19/10/2015 20:23

Is he going out with his dad and his own mates, or his dad and his dad's mates?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 19/10/2015 20:40

CheekyMonkey I really don't get the preoccupation with the number. My DM was married with a DC at 21. She didn't go out partying. She did for her 30th but not on her 40th (pregnant again). It's your life circumstances that matter not a number on a card.

CheekyMaleekey · 19/10/2015 20:41

He's not pregnant!

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