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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say DP should spend his birthday with me?

116 replies

BakeMe · 19/10/2015 18:47

We were sitting watching telly this evening and my DP just came out with ''I'm going out with my Dad and his mates for my 21st'', we'll be round Mums during the day''. My initial reaction was hurt, but then I thought well it's HIS birthday.. Then I felt hurt again that his choice isn't to spend it with me.

I think my facial expression gave something away because he said ''why, did you want to go out or something darling?'' I wanted to reply well yes! We went out for dinner for my birthday, I spent that day with you (after he finished work).

We have no DC (apart from the one I'm carrying), so it's not like they're missing out on Daddy's birthday.

AIBU and I should just realise he's going to have a good piss up (like he said he wanted earlier), and we can go for dinner or something the following evening? Or, AINBU? I really can't decide and I don't really know how to feel must be my hormones.

His birthday is on a Sunday, and it's not until the 13th December so it's a good while away.

Thank you

OP posts:

APlaceOnTheCouch · 19/10/2015 20:42

Oops should say CheekyMaleeky My tablet auto-correct hates me.

Senpai · 19/10/2015 20:47

Bluntly, you're having a baby. Sorry, but he needs to act a little more mature and grow up faster than a 21 year old without a baby. This isn't a 21 year old bachelor with no ties to other people or with a casual girlfriend. You both made the choice to start a family early, so he needs to start being a family man early. It's that simple.

He can do what he wants. Anyone can. But he shouldn't be disregarding your feelings.

I could refuse to celebrate my birthday with DH, but it would probably be hurtful to him.

Being mindful of other people's feelings is generally seen as a good thing in a relationship. Most mature people understand that.

NameChange30 · 19/10/2015 20:58

"Sounds to me like he calls all the shots and happily dumps the OP when HE feels like it :-/"

This. I'm trying really hard not to find it worrying that the OP would have a baby with someone she's been with for such a short time, but with the "hiccup" and the double standards, it is worrying.

CheekyMaleekey · 19/10/2015 20:58

He needs to stay with the seemingly dull Op on his birthday, because that would be mature?

Errr, no. That would be incredibly boring and pointless.

timelytess · 19/10/2015 21:01

I've only read your opening post.
Sack him now before you get used to having him around.
You aren't very important to him, so don't make him a major feature in your life.
Focus on yourself and your baby.

lastqueenofscotland · 19/10/2015 21:01

For my 21st I dragged it out over 10 days and little of that time sober, admittedly i was at uni and no dc or dp. Not that I have any dc now but I do have a dp and my most recent bday (24) i drank my body weight in wine and are my body weight in cake with my mum, sisters and best friends. No dp. It was great!

If my dp tried to insist on me seeing only him on my birthday I'd think he'd gone mad.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 19/10/2015 21:07

I spent my 21st getting pissed in a pub then a party in Putney ( oh look! Alliteration!), OP's partner is going out for a drink with his dad and his dad's friends. You both sound middle aged!

jorahmormont · 19/10/2015 21:07

I don't agree with this whole "He's going to be a dad, nights out need to stop now and he needs to be a family man". Has the OP said he goes out every night and gets plastered without her? I'm going out on the 30th, checking into a hotel and having the biggest night out ever with my friends as we're all graduating. DD will be safely with DP.

There's nothing to suggest that there won't be a similar set up with OP and her DP - having a baby doesn't mean the parties stop forever.

QuintShhhhhh · 19/10/2015 21:08

for a 21st, I think it is more appropriate he spends his with his dad, they have known him 21 years, you only 1 year. It is quite a thing, turning 21...

CheekyMaleekey · 19/10/2015 21:12

OP, you need to live a little and stop sounding so middle-aged and boring. Have a bit of fun and adventure at your age. Don't hang out with parents and Dp - be a young woman! Having a baby doesn't mean you have to spend all the time as a family unit. That's suffocating and a waste of life for everyone!

APlaceOnTheCouch · 19/10/2015 22:05

We seem to have jumped to a straw man of OP wanting her DP to stay in and be sober (which depending on her due date may be sensible) but actually that's not what she said. She was hurt her DP prioritised everyone except her especially since he made her drop her family on her birthday.

It's got bugger all to do with how much he can drink or how much we all drank on our 21st. It's also got nothing to do with never going out again once you have DCs. It's about (shock, horror) treating your DP how you want to be treated. That's not a lot to ask. All he had to do was have a conversation about when they were going to celebrate his birthday and if they were going to replicate what they did for OP's. Instead she was presented with a fait accompli which didn't include her. It's a poor show from someone that you're having a DC with.

HormonalHeap · 19/10/2015 22:10

No words.. Of course he should be spending it with you, the mother of his bump! Sounds like Peter Pan's in for a wake up call soon...

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 19/10/2015 22:21

If my dp tried to insist on me seeing only him on my birthday I'd think he'd gone mad.

The OP wants her DP to spend a portion of the day with just her, not to cancel his plans.

BackforGood · 19/10/2015 22:24

Why, hormonal ?

dh and I have managed to be married for 21+ yrs, have 3 dc together, and yet still be capable of managing to go out without the other one on occasion - yes, including the day of either one of our birthdays. We are grown up enough to know that if we want a quiet night together, we can book to do that any time, we aren't tied to a single day. Sometimes - for a myriad of reasons - it's not always the best option to go out for a 'couples meal' on the specific day. It doesn't mean either one of us doesn't love the other one, it just means we are functioning adults who know that sometimes you just fit in with other things in life, and 'go with the flow' a bit.

CheekyMaleekey · 19/10/2015 22:32

Hormonal, are you crazy?

He's 21 - he needs to let his hair down. He's not an old fogey yet!

NameChange30 · 19/10/2015 22:56

I agree with APlaceOnTheCouch (22:05)

TTTatty · 19/10/2015 22:58

Folks really seem to be missing the point that he got her away from her family for her birthday.
I don't see anywhere where the OP is boring, demanding, or wanting him all to herself.
He may not be pregnant but they are having a baby together. Would have been nice for the OP if he made some effort to spend some quality time with the mother of his baby on his birthday.
From what the OP has said he would be exceedingly put out if she had done the same to him on her birthday!

NameChange30 · 19/10/2015 22:59

Yep, totally missing the point. Although we shouldn't be surprised really - it is AIBU

CheekyMaleekey · 19/10/2015 23:05

Not the point of the thread at all, but I'm amazed that 21 year olds would want to have babies yet. There's so much time to have fun and enjoy yourself before starting a family.

LadyLonely1 · 19/10/2015 23:09

He's 21 and doing what 21yo should be doing. Sorry that you have to stay in because you are pregnant but then again at 21yo most people aren't.

Morganly · 19/10/2015 23:09

Well, except, letting his hair down appears to be going out with his dad in the evening and spending the day with his mum! Also, is it his dad's mates in the evening, not his own mates? Did I read that right? Does he not have any friends his own age to go out with?

So we have a 20 year old who has got a girl pregnant, has no friends his own age and chooses to announces 2 months in advance of his birthday that he will spend the day with his parents and his parents' friends not his pregnant girlfriend?

This is not normal!

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 19/10/2015 23:12

Not the point of the thread at all, but I'm amazed that 21 year olds would want to have babies yet. There's so much time to have fun and enjoy yourself before starting a family.

I think we'd worked out that that was your opinion in the previous five or so posts of yours hinting at essentially the same thing. Yes, I'm sure the 21 year old boy has been trapped by the stupid young girl who wanted a baby too young. Poor him, how dare she. Guess she should just go get an abortion now.

CheekyMaleekey · 19/10/2015 23:12

I agree. Odd.

CheekyMaleekey · 19/10/2015 23:13

Why do you suggest she trapped him, Smillas?

CheekyMaleekey · 19/10/2015 23:14

What makes you think it wasn't his idea?

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