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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DP should spend his birthday with me?

116 replies

BakeMe · 19/10/2015 18:47

We were sitting watching telly this evening and my DP just came out with ''I'm going out with my Dad and his mates for my 21st'', we'll be round Mums during the day''. My initial reaction was hurt, but then I thought well it's HIS birthday.. Then I felt hurt again that his choice isn't to spend it with me.

I think my facial expression gave something away because he said ''why, did you want to go out or something darling?'' I wanted to reply well yes! We went out for dinner for my birthday, I spent that day with you (after he finished work).

We have no DC (apart from the one I'm carrying), so it's not like they're missing out on Daddy's birthday.

AIBU and I should just realise he's going to have a good piss up (like he said he wanted earlier), and we can go for dinner or something the following evening? Or, AINBU? I really can't decide and I don't really know how to feel Sad must be my hormones.

His birthday is on a Sunday, and it's not until the 13th December so it's a good while away.

Thank you Grin

OP posts:
SmillasSenseOfSnow · 19/10/2015 23:19

*Why do you suggest she trapped him, Smillas?

What makes you think it wasn't his idea?*
I honestly don't know how to respond to this level of disingenuousness...

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 19/10/2015 23:19

Bold fail.

minimalistaspirati0ns · 19/10/2015 23:21

He can see you in the morning, have a birthday meal with you another time and see his family during the afternoon, then go out with friends in the evening. Sounds like a great way to celebrate

G1veMeStrength · 19/10/2015 23:22

Looking back, I am very glad my parents and brothers celebrated my 21st with me. My brother made quite a trip as well. My boyfriend was there too but no reason for you ALL not to celebrate. He's said you're welcome to go so I would probably go for the early part and leave once I was feeling tired. (If you get tired. I was a wimp when oh!)

CheekyMaleekey · 19/10/2015 23:24

Interesting that you presume people would think she'd trapped him. Rather a cliche, isn't it?

NameChange30 · 19/10/2015 23:25

Right, I'm only going to say this once. Listen up everyone. I don't give a flying fuck how you, your DP, your DBro or your neighbour's dog celebrated their 21st birthday. If you/they weren't living with a pregnant girlfriend IT'S NOT RELEVANT TO THE THREAD.

Phew.

TTTatty · 19/10/2015 23:34

I wish we had a 'like' button .... :-)

CheekyMaleekey · 19/10/2015 23:35

The fact that the girlfriend is pregnant is irrelevant. It's one night of celebration!

CheekyMaleekey · 19/10/2015 23:39

If my 20 year old DS got a woman pregnant after going out with her for just a few months, and decided to spend his 21st birthday firstly with me and then with his dad and his dad's mates, while the girlfriend moans that he should be with him, and all this was being discussed two months before the date, I'd seriously be wondering where I'd gone wrong.

Aqualady · 20/10/2015 00:04

if that was my son and his pregnant gf was sat at home and he hadn't even thought that she might like to spend it with him I'd really be thinking where I'd wrong. I wouldn't like to think I'd raised inconsiderate kids or grown men that would rather hang out with their mummy and daddy than their pregnant partner.....

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 20/10/2015 00:11

Interesting that you presume people would think she'd trapped him. Rather a cliche, isn't it?

I don't know about that but I do find it a bit sad that you can't see how transparent your posts were.

jorahmormont · 20/10/2015 02:35

Not the point of the thread at all, but I'm amazed that 21 year olds would want to have babies yet. There's so much time to have fun and enjoy yourself before starting a family.

Sorry, is having a family not enjoyable and fun? I must be doing it wrong then... Hmm

Sorry but this really boils my piss. Who do you think you are, to be telling other adults what they should do with their life? It wouldn't be acceptable for someone to speak to a 45 year old first time mum on here and say "I'm amazed that you're having your first baby at 45, you've had so much time to have babies already" - there's no difference between that, and what you're saying, Cheeky. It's rude and judgmental.

jorahmormont · 20/10/2015 02:42

OP, if it's still bothering you, take a step back and look at the big picture. If this is one of those things that is just a bit of a kick in the teeth right now, I'd write it off, enjoy your night in and goodies. If it seems to be a symptom of a larger problem with your DP, that's when maybe it's time for a sit down chat.

Becoming parents is a massive adjustment for young people and I wouldn't recommend making the change any harder than it needs to be on either of you. You shouldn't put a blanket ban on him going out - but equally, he should be considerate of your needs, and understand that as the father of the baby, he has responsibilities towards you - not necessarily to bend to your every whim, but to at least discuss things with you before making concrete plans.

Hormones are an absolute bitch and will make every little niggle seem like a massive terrible situation Flowers

Senpai · 20/10/2015 04:47

He needs to stay with the seemingly dull Op on his birthday, because that would be mature?

and spending it with your parents isn't dull and pointless?

Why is she dull? Just because she's pregnant? I take exception to that. We had a great time while I was pregnant at DH's birthday. We didn't go out drinking, but we were able to see a comedy musical and he was able to have a couple drinks while we both had fun.

Only a boring and dull person would be unable to figure out how to have fun that included both them and their partner who couldn't drink. I hope you're not implying that drinking is the only way to have fun. That's a concerning attitude to have. You might want to examine if you have a drinking problem or not...

It would be mature because she is going to be a big part of his life for the next 18 years whether they're together or not. So it would be in his best interests to put his best foot forward and start off parenthood on a high note by including her in his important life events instead of excluding her. Especially since this is their first baby and major life change for both of them.

I'm not saying he can't have drinks or even go off a different night. But he needs to make one night to celebration for him and OP. Me and DH wait to have a weekend just us to celebrate birthdays our way, and then we have a family birthday celebration where we include DD and my parents. But we include each other in our plans and don't just swan off with no regard to how the other feels.

It's also a bit disingenuous to tell OP not to act like an middle aged lady... because again... Age has nothing to do with the type of party you have. You can get shit faced as a 50 year old. You can be sober as a 20 year old. Right now, he has a baby on the way. He can make time for his girlfriend.

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/10/2015 05:26

He expected you to spend your day with him, but he's out on the piss with just his mates for his? What's that about?

As an aside, and controversial as it perhaps is, I hope my DC are out celebrating their birthdays unencumbered at 21, and not about to become parents.

Flambola · 20/10/2015 06:05

So did you spend the day with him or did he work?

I'm sorry, I'm really confused by this thread. There's nothing wrong with wanting to spend your birthday with your family, is there? It doesn't sound like he is deliberately excluding you.

Some of the posts here are rather extreme. Hmm

BojackHorseman · 20/10/2015 06:37

it's his birthday so he can do what he wants, I find posts telling the OP to dump him very OTT but some people on here seem to want everyone to split up.

minimalistaspirati0ns · 20/10/2015 06:48

The plan for his birthday surely should be you going out with him the night before his birthday, giving him full English breakfast in bed on his birthday, quick birthday bonk, then he goes to mothers for late lunch, then out with friends for the evening.

BeautifulLiar · 20/10/2015 06:52

I've been with DH for his 20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd and 24th birthdays and am usually pregnant or breastfeeding a small baby Blush but until he started working away he did want to see his mates on his birthday. It did used to upset me as I was permanently hormonal and always spent my birthday with him. But in hindsight it was his right and nothing personal. He's 25 in two weeks and I'll be 22 weeks pregnant, so I'm hoping I'll be ok with his choices Wink

BeautifulLiar · 20/10/2015 06:54

TheDowager - DH attended his PFB'S 12 week scan on his 20th birthday. He was very happy! (Then saw his mates... i think!)

PenelopeClearwater · 20/10/2015 07:06

I was a mum before I was 21 as DS1 was born a month before. I have had lots of fun since having him and my other 2 thanks Cheeky!

I also don't think it's weird that he wants to see his parents on his birthday. I see my Mum every birthday.

EponasWildDaughter · 20/10/2015 07:27

This thread! Shock

Poor OP.

Bunbaker · 20/10/2015 07:36

Quite Eponas.

"Op myself and dp are in our late thirties be together years and always make time for each other on our birthdays."

The difference is that you are in your late 30s and the OP's DP is only 21. I am inclined to think that the person having the birthday gets to call the shots, and if spending time with his partner and family during the day and going for a few drinks with his dad and mates in the evening, so be it. It isn't the end of the world, and it is only one day.

He has a lot of responsibilities at such a young age and he is entitled to an evening off.

RattieOfCatan · 20/10/2015 07:52

This is really interesting to me. I was in a similar situation (minus the baby on the way) with my ex for his 21st 5/6yrs ago. I posted on here about it to vent and a lot of people told me to LTB. IIRC people asked why I hadn't been invited to join the celebrations and how could he not want me there. Though I wouldn't have had a chance to see him on his birthday either which likely factored into it but I didn't mention that in my OP at the time.

I'm amazed that a lot of posters didn't pick up on the comment about how he would have been upset about her doing her own thing on her birthday. That and the fact that he booked an expensive restaurant with no regard for OPs plans on her own birthday. That's not on.

I do think that he should be able to have a piss up, equally I think op isn't BU to be hurt that she didn't really factor into those plans when she expected to be because he set a precedent for it on her birthday.

minimalistaspirati0ns · 20/10/2015 07:57

I think its fine for him to see all the people he cares for on his birthday. Ditto for her

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