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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming at the cheek of DDs ex husband.

38 replies

magicmotown · 18/10/2015 21:39

I've name changed for this but I'm a regular.
My daughter divorced her husband about 8 years ago because of terrible abusive behaviour. They have a daughter together who is now 10, he has never paid maintenance. He always said she had her maintenance in the form of a lump sum she received from the marital home which she left when his behaviour became very nasty.
She's been through the CSA or whatever they call themselves now but they accepted his lies about not earning enough money, (he's a self employed joiner) and has a very nice comfortable lifestyle.
The only time my dgd gets anything is birthdays and Christmas when he spends money on things of his choice, not hers.
Anyway my dgd is going on a school trip very soon which my DD has paid for (she works but doesn't earn much), however she has a list of required clothing for this trip which my DD is struggling to pay for. I've helped out as much as I can but there was still a fair bit to get.
My DD decided to ask her ex if he could contribute something. I wasn't holding my breath because she's often asked in the past for similar and gets refused. He sees Dgd every fortnight so today when DD was dropping her off she asked him. Amazingly he agreed, and asked for the list and said he would take dgd and buy the last bits, which came to about £40.
All well and good but my DD has just told me that the b*d has informed her that the cost of what he's bought will come out of her Christmas money.
I want to phone him up to have a rant but my DD said don't. I'm sorry but I've ranted on here instead. I need to calm down. She gets fk all in maintenance all year and he's begrudging a lousy 40 quid for her school trip. Aibu to be livid. Sorry for the long post. Angry

OP posts:
Francoitalialan · 18/10/2015 21:42

Take strength from the fact that this simply underlines what a twat he is.Flowers

Unreasonablebetty · 18/10/2015 21:45

Some men are twats when it comes to providing for their children.
I'm sorry you are in this position, but try not to expect anything at all from him.

Original poster
magicmotown · 18/10/2015 21:46

Thank you Franco yes he is a twat, I could write a book about how bad he is, but this has just got to me.

OP posts:
WitchWay · 18/10/2015 21:47

The fact that your granddaughter said "don't" means she knows how much of a twat he is as well. He is the one who will be missing out when she chooses not to bother with him.

Original poster
magicmotown · 18/10/2015 21:53

Yes she's only 10 but is very aware of his shortcomings. The thing is she loves him in her own way, we do t criticise him in front of her but I think when she gets older she'll have a few things to say to him. It was my DD who said don't.

OP posts:
G1veMeStrength · 18/10/2015 21:56

My DD is still young but I know I'd find it very very hard to see a future her and a hypothetical DGD going through this. I know you have to let your offspring fight their own battles but can totally understand your rage!!

As everybody else has said this does just show what a loser he is.

Betrayedbutsurvived · 18/10/2015 21:58

One day, in the long distance future, this complete asshole will find himself old, sick and alone. Why the fuck men are such utter wankers is beyond me, but long experience tells me karma is a wonderful thing.

skankingpiglet · 18/10/2015 21:59

YANBU! At 10 I'm sure your DGD won't be blind to the lack of presents at Christmas, and it's one of many things which will go towards colouring her view of him as she grows up. It's going to be miserable for her (and your poor DD of course!) as I'm sure your DD has otherwise shielded her from his twatishness, but I'm sure she'll only blame him. What a knob.
He sounds much like my F: Abusive, parents split when I was 2ish, he paid no maintenance, and played these power games. We aren't in contact anymore unsurprisingly. It was obvious to me who was the nasty piece of work. My DM didn't tell me about the lack of maintenance and abuse she suffered until I was in my mid teens, but his character was clear from what I could witness myself.
Flowers

HermioneWeasley · 18/10/2015 22:01

What will telling him achieve?

Rant here. He'll never change. Sound like my friend's ex. She's so dignified with him, but I'm keeping a note of everything to tell their DD when she turns 18!

As posters on here have observed before, if resident parents (women 99% of the time) don't feed or she,tear their kids they'd go to prison, but the dads get to fuck off and contribute nothing with zero consequences.

MrsJayy · 18/10/2015 22:03

Urgh what a horrible man and terrible father you poor dd having to beg him for money for his child then putting conditions on it bet you want to string him up

Original poster
magicmotown · 18/10/2015 22:04

Another thing that really hurts is the fact that he had a son to someone else before he met my daughter. This son is his pride and joy and has received maintenance all his life. To pay for one but not the other is unforgivable.

OP posts:
Lurkedforever1 · 18/10/2015 22:09

Yanbu, he's a twat. Its his loss though, long term he's the one that's missing out, not dgd.

Warriorsoftheworld · 18/10/2015 22:10

My parents divorced when i was 4 my dad used to love buying me and my brother Nintendo games and ipods and then taking us back home to a house with no heating or food we cottoned on eventually and gave the stuff to mum with recepts and she got the cash for them and we learned men are arseholes when it comes to child maintenance payments luckily my brother has turned into a wonderful guy the opposite of his dad you live and learn

greenfolder · 18/10/2015 22:12

I have 2 friends with girls and ex husbands who are similar. Both girls got to the age of twelve and reality dawned that their Dads were utter twats. By the time they got to 15 they refused to see their Dads on the basis of their behaviour both towards them and their mothers. Neither mum had spoken Ill of them. Girls are good at it. He will get what is coming to him.

Greene01 · 18/10/2015 22:18

Sadly as a single mom this is a tale I know myself, and other single moms know. You could fill a library with how badly some adults behave toward their offspring. This is his way of still controlling and abusing your daughter. My ex will never ever give toward extra's, the standard answer is 'when I can afford it'. Well we are already looking at universities, so his parenting responsibilities are nearly over, and his daughter no longer talks to him, and sees right through him. She has not seen or spoken to him for over 3 years. And the others are right, vent here. He will only use your venting to 'feed' his need for upsetting others. These men do not work along 'normal' relationship lines, they love drama, and they really really do not care how their actions affect others. He sounds like you are all better off without him in your lives, we certainly feel that way about my ex.

StarOnTheTree · 18/10/2015 22:21

One day, in the long distance future, this complete asshole will find himself old, sick and alone. Why the fuck men are such utter wankers is beyond me, but long experience tells me karma is a wonderful thing.

I hope so Betrayed

When DD1 was 15 my XH offered to fix her laptop and then wanted the money for the part he had to get, about £30 he said, more like £5 because he works in IT He bugged DD1 for the £30 until I told him it wasn't happening and if he'd been upfront about it I would have taken the laptop to the shop to be fixed. So he said he'd take the £30 from her birthday and Xmas presents till the 'debt' was paid off. So she got nothing but a basic card for 2 birthdays and 2 Christmasses! And he's very well off. I really hope karma exists Hmm

Italiangreyhound · 18/10/2015 22:23

He's an idiot, he is feathering his own nest for his own purposes and failing to see that the most valuable treasure is right under his eyes.

In your daughter's shoes I would say to him that I did not think it was fair that her trip coming came out of her Christmas money, but if that is his choice then that is that. I would also add DD may be a bit disappointed to have a smaller Christmas present but so be it. If he genuinely could not afford this money it would be totally fine, but if he has spare money then he is a selfish pig.

Please take from this the comfort that at least your daughter is no longer romantically involved with this idiot.

Original poster
magicmotown · 18/10/2015 22:24

I do agree that they are all better off without him in their lives. He's a very serious easily stressed man, I don't think I've ever seen him smile. I don't think my dgd would be growing up the happy well adjusted girl she is if he had a big part in her life.

OP posts:
WorzelsCornyBrows · 18/10/2015 22:30

Of course your dgd loves him, he's her father, but she will tire of him eventually. My own DF was like this but worse. I keep in touch, out of duty, but I see him once a year tops and I don't show any interest in his life. He made his bed as your DD's ex is now.

OneNight · 18/10/2015 22:32

CSA may have accepted his stories but if he lives a comfortable lifestyle as a self employed joiner I'm very surprised that HMRC were similarly fooled. They are normally quite hot on evasion of that sort.

Original poster
magicmotown · 18/10/2015 22:41

I agree Worzels I don't think they'll have a good relationship when she gets older. I think, because he's got his son he doesn't feel he needs her right now,stupid man that he is.
I'm surprised too Onenight, he has a very good accountant apparently. All they'd have to do is look into his lifestyle, nice holidays, expensive gym membership, nice car etc. Hes so unbelievably arrogant, he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong.

OP posts:
OneNight · 18/10/2015 22:43

I was assuming that they have been advised of the facts of course.

Original poster
magicmotown · 18/10/2015 22:46

How do you mean onenight?

OP posts:
WorzelsCornyBrows · 18/10/2015 22:47

I think the best thing you can all do is raise her to be strong, confident and independent, otherwise she'll spend a lifetime seeking his approval, being desperate for whatever scraps of himself he can be bothered with, that way madness lies.

momtothree · 18/10/2015 22:56

I havent seen my father since i was 12, DD is that he now,.very funny, clever, interested in life ... shame he missed it! He`ll get whats coming,.just wait it out.