To not buy their children any more presents?

[RainbowInACloud]

I think I probably am but it's getting on my nerves.
Two of my very good friends have children and I always remember their birthdays, buy presents and send a text on the day. I know both of the mums care about these things so I try hard to remember and get something thoughtful.
For the last two or three years they have forgotten my children's birthdays. Occasionally I have had a text a few days/ weeks later but no catch up present/ card.
I know I'm being precious about my own kids but I'm sick of making a fuss over their kids and get nothing in return. It's not a present things as I'd be happy with a text/ fb message/ card etc.
so- do I not bother with their birthdays anymore? Or is that petulant?
Thanks

Oh I had friends like this. They did it to everyone - sent their children to parties with a card from one of those multi packs, which wouldn't be a bad thing in itself, or occasionally, a present wrapped in second hand paper which was all crumpled, and sometimes it was (and this was said, out loud) 'Ah well they'll just be pleased to have our company'

People always gave gifts to their children, every time. They just thought the sun shone out of their arses tbf - or else thought no one noticed - but everyone noticed. It's rude.

I bought quite expensive presents for their children for a couple of years running, and they didn't even say thank you, while we sometimes got a 'bargain' present for both children at once, with corroded batteries inside, or nothing at all. And I always made mine say thank you.

Different people, different standards.

Tell her you thought you were no longer doing it as they hadn't given your children anything for a few years now. They won't be able to talk their way out of that esp if you say it in a friendly and casual way, smiling, etc.

Good luck.

OK, so I may get a flaming for this, but I have to pipe up because it's not always someone being intentionally rude/crap. It's not a defence of the OPs friends because I don't know then and they may well just be taking the piss, but bear with me...

So I hugely appreciate anyone, especially those not in my immediate family or locale, remembering my or DCs birthdays. I do my very best to remember other people and their kids, I really do. I have notes in diaries, I even have reminders set up on my phone for some of them, but I have the most tangential, scatty brain imaginable and I just forget, repeatedly, despite all of this. Sometimes I buy cards/presents and just forget to send them, on a daily basis, for months. Sometimes I manage to catch up eg send a big family voucher for a day out for all the birthdays I've forgotten that year with grovelling apologies, and sometimes the gifts lie there, wrapped (or not), being forgotten on a daily basis, occasionally until the kids are too old for them.

I also sometimes forget thank yous (including those I've taken time to make and in some cases even addressed). It really really isn't for want of good intentions or manners. If I was 8yo now I could probably get an ADD diagnosis but I'm not and I don't and I just have to spend my life apologising and feeling guilty.

In my defence, we've also remembered gifts for years for people who don't reciprocate and because I'm quite so shit at this it doesn't bother me at all. I do it because I want to.

It's also not just presents I forget, it's everything: taking unwanted stuff back to shops, posting letters, replying to emails etc etc.

For economic and 'it's all getting a bit out of hand in the present department' a few friends have all decided together than we'll only do kids' birthdays and not Christmas, as they all do perfectly well for gifts. I kind of wish the people who are more together than me would let me off the hook by being a bit more crap sometimes tbh!

I agree with anaemonescloser ideas...when you meet with them and no gift is forthcoming from you...I suggest you say...'I've gone with your idea of not buying friends childrens gifts anymore...they are already lucky to have so much aren't they? Why dont we all plan an afternoon out at the park together to celebrate...friendship is about much more than giving gifts dont you think?'....either they will stop seeing you ( in which case they certainly werent friends at all) or will agree with you..then the case is set for the future and no one then may worry. It may be that people can just no longer afford to reciprocate but cant say anything for fear of 'losing face'. Either way ..problem solved !

We had many years of buying other people's children presents. We didn't have our girls for about ten years after getting married but didn't think of the presents as an 'investment'. Wasn't a problem, we were not skint and actually enjoyed buying the children presents. But we did feel a bit resentful when we had our girls, after several miscarriages,that after all these years not one of our 'friends' ever reciprocated. It was never the value, it was the principle that they were more than happy for us to buy for there kids, but they wouldn't for ours.

Just meant we bought more for our girls and gave up on them.

Mugs or what?

If they bring it up I'd reply "Oh, good that you mention it. I thought I was getting it wrong the last couple of years. I thought they must have grown out of all that because I've been buying your children cards and presents and you haven't done the same for mine. Glad we've cleared that up."

I wouldn't buy. I had many years of buying for other people's kids before I had kids and then when I had children of my own they never got any presents in return. So I stopped.

Kaekae, exactly

Love present threads on MN.

According to the majority on this thread, it seems the purpose of giving a gift is to get one in return (albeit obo children).

But Mij, I bet you don't send texts reminding people that your kids' birthdays are coming up like the OP's 'friends' do?

OP, they are taking the piss. I don't think I could be friends with such grabby people.

Don't even worry about having your cover blown OP. Anyone with a conscience would just feel embarrassed if they recognized themselves on this thread.

The situation as you've presented it is very annoying. Go with the breezy 'Did she/he have a lovely day?' comment after the fact, and if your friend actually has the brass neck to ask where your present got to, just do the wide-eyed, 'But I thought we weren't doing that anymore' bit.

LovelyFriend, actually it isn't.

It's more about entitled shits who think only their offspring count.

But they are "entitled shits" because they accept gifts but don't give gifts

wow they have some brass necks. Sure it happens that you just forget - but you would remember that you didn't buy anything for your friend's kid when you go hinting that they should buy for yours.

According to the majority on this thread, it seems the purpose of giving a gift is to get one in return (albeit obo children)

Nope. But being given gifts, and in particular hinting that you would like to receive gifts, and then being given them, confers on the recipient a moral duty to reciprocate in kind, unless they are a small child.

You are looking at this the wrong way round.

I spent years buying for my godson and his younger brother, both Christmas and birthday.
Nothing back for me, which is fine.

But now I have a stepson and 'friend' doesn't buy him anything at Christmas and hasn't ever even asked when his birthday is.

So now godson gets a £10 book token sent by post and his brother gets nothing.

Giving and receiving gifts is a social norm, not a law, but receiving without giving is a breach of that norm.

I have assumed my 'friend' doesn't want to take part in that norm, so I have stopped too.

I know both of the mums care about these things

Tbh it sounds as though you're the one who cares about these things, long past the point where the others don't anymore. Maybe they'll be glad you've finally taken the hint.

I don't know the back story so don't know who's being unreasonable.

I live by the rule that if I get invited over for a party (which literally could be as small as two or three people getting together for dinner) then I will make a fuss with a card and present. But otherwise no gifts or cards are exchanged. I have made this clear to people and said that in return I expect nothing unless I invite them to a party, and even then I invite them because I want them there, not a present. But then if they still send gifts to me or my family it's up to them. They know the score! I've been honest!

I think it's absolutely fine to try to come to reciprocal arrangements like I see you have with other friends - so either both get cards and/or pressies or both don't. However sometimes it can take a while for these things to sort themselves out. It's best if that can happen without anyone getting too upset about it, and especially with some consideration for the children's feelings. Often I think slightly more communication about expectations/ what everyone wants to do, is needed?

It's for this exact reason that I make our gifts cheap/homemade but still thoughtful. I find it helps relieve the pressure of giving for them and us. If they "forget" then I'm not that arsed.

I wouldn't do nothing. I'd send a card and a text.

Doing nothing is very pointed. Actually acknowledging the birthday means you're covered. Besides, she'd have to have some brass neck to ask where the present is, when you've acknowledged the birthday by two different means (and she, herself, never gives a present).

I think going cold turkey is a step too far, personally.

Just to say I'm very like you Mij - but don't stress about it all quite so much now! I've lowered my expectations of myself - generally only give pressies when we're seeing people and for children's parties

YANBU, OP. I've had this for years with DP's family. Before we had our DS, neices were bought for Christmas and birthdays, new babies were bought outfits etc. Then when DS was born we got zilch in return, not even a card. Fair to say I was suitably pissed off and stopped buying.

I'd stick to cards, it shows that you're thinking of them but saves the upset if they don't reciprocate. If they are rude enough to ask about a gift tell them straight, you were fed up of buying for their DC's whilst yours was forgotten about.

Send a card. If they have the cheek to ask about a present, just say breezily "no, no, I just sent a card this year"

And while I can see they may forget (I am also rubbish at birthdays/dates. While they're on the calendar and I even get as far as putting stamps on cards, they often don't make it to the post box on the right day... sometimes it will be a week... or two late.), even if they remembered a week/month later, there could be an apology/acknowledgement, but it sounds like you're not even getting this, but you're just expected to acknowledge their DCs with cards/gifts/visits etc! (And if it was a money thing, I think they would have apologised for no present, but funds are tight etc.)

YANBU

Hi, sorry I've only just caught up on this.
One of the friends is worse than the other. I know some of you have said she's a crap friend but I know she loves me a lot and would be there for me if I needed it. I think she just forgets (repeatedly) But it has gone on too long with her particularly so I will ignore or maybe just send a card.
The other friend is totally self involved. Every phone call involves 10 minutes bragging about her DS and it is getting boring. She is more hit and miss so not sure what I'll do there yet. Will probably say something breezy when she mentions it but take a pressie if we go to a party.