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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not buy their children any more presents?

124 replies

RainbowInACloud · 18/10/2015 16:12

I think I probably am but it's getting on my nerves.
Two of my very good friends have children and I always remember their birthdays, buy presents and send a text on the day. I know both of the mums care about these things so I try hard to remember and get something thoughtful.
For the last two or three years they have forgotten my children's birthdays. Occasionally I have had a text a few days/ weeks later but no catch up present/ card.
I know I'm being precious about my own kids but I'm sick of making a fuss over their kids and get nothing in return. It's not a present things as I'd be happy with a text/ fb message/ card etc.
so- do I not bother with their birthdays anymore? Or is that petulant?
Thanks

OP posts:

AnemonesCloser · 18/10/2015 16:57

If they make an issue of it OP just say nice and brightly 'oh but I assumed we weren't doing gifts anymore as you haven't sent on to Jimmy in three years?'.

reni2 · 18/10/2015 16:58

They don't do your dc's birthdays, you don't do theirs. What's the worry?

Original poster

RainbowInACloud · 18/10/2015 17:00

I think they will care but I know they won't be able to say anything as it may all of a sudden occur to them that they've made zero effort the last few years.
I even had a not so subtle prompt text about how she was so excited about her DS's birthday next week.
What shall I say when I next speak to her and she will say 'it was DS birthday the other day' ?

OP posts:

AnemonesCloser · 18/10/2015 17:01

Just say 'awww, hope he had a fab day'.

Original poster

RainbowInACloud · 18/10/2015 17:01

Good idea anemones!

OP posts:

YakTriangle · 18/10/2015 17:02

If they're rude enough to bring up that you didn't acknowledge their DC birthday, and you're too polite to pull them up on the fact they never remember yours, it's a no brainer really. End of presents.

BYOSnowman · 18/10/2015 17:11

Just say that you thought they didn't want to do presents for the kids as they never get your kids any

And you can still send a card

Sockattack · 18/10/2015 17:13

If you don't want the conversation send a card.... It will signal you've remembered the birthday yet aren't doing a present.

nicestrongtea · 18/10/2015 17:15

I cant believe they will be expecting you to buy when they don't

OwlinaTree · 18/10/2015 17:17

I always send a card to friend's children to acknowledge the birthday. Then I would give a small gift when I see the child regardless of birthdays. (This is for non local friends).

Local friends I do a card, then a gift if we are invited to a party or seeing them on the day.

Gets too expensive otherwise!

dementedpixie · 18/10/2015 17:18

We only get the friends dc's a present/card if they are going to a party for them and don't if not.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 18/10/2015 17:21

Ynbu. That would grind on anyone's nerves. Their child being forgotten about on their birthday, especially so that you always remember their childrend birthdays.

NumbBlaseCold · 18/10/2015 17:28

No more presents.

As a child it upset me as I got older to see mum rushing to get presents for one of her friends when neither she or I got any back.

When I was young, six or seven, I remember I watched this woman's kid open the gifts from us and waited hopefully on my birthday (a week later) for a card, acknowledgement or gift which never came.

It made me feel second best as I got older and it kept happening.

Looking as adult on the relationship, I now see a pattern of my mum expected to bend over backwards on many things and her not bothering.

I also saw the kids being the same and wanted nothing to do with them.

As a result, I will not bother with those who make no effort with me- be it gifts, chatting or communication.

LyndaNotLinda · 18/10/2015 17:38

I do have them on a calendar. But even then I forget to send cards off in enough time. I can't imagine any of my friends being annoyed that I forgot their kids' birthdays, much as I'm not worried if they forget DS's.

Greengardenpixie · 18/10/2015 17:41

I never buy unless they are invited to a party. Its just too expensive. I have my own children to think about.

HSMMaCM · 18/10/2015 17:42

I'm on the other side of this. I was totally short of money and gave my DD's close friends cards on their birthdays. They gave DD a present on hers. Next year. I gave them cards on their birthdays. They gave DD a present. Following on from that it has just been cards. Maybe they were really annoyed that I didn't reciprocate on presents, but I was hoping that as they were first, they would take my hint that we just needed to do cards ... but maybe they just thought I was mean :(. A closer friend and I just had a perfectly frank conversation about what each of us could afford.

StayWithMe · 18/10/2015 17:43

If they make any comments about it, just say "I suddenly realised how it wasn't fair of me to keep buying presents for your kids, because it must have embarrased you when you forgot my children's birthdays."

reni2 · 18/10/2015 17:52

It is entirely possible they don't want presents either, but haven't found a way to say it. I don't want more gift exchanges than necessary, so unless dc is invited to a child's party I wouldn't send a gift. Either way, just drop the gifts.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 18/10/2015 17:53

I would make it clear in advance that you are stopping - very nicely say that you need to cut back on gifts in general so as the gift giving has become a bit sporadic you have decided just to do cards.

DinosaursRoar · 18/10/2015 17:55

Anemones' suggestion is perfect, just keep it light. If she is so rude as to ask why you didn't get a gift, look confused and say "oh, I assumed we weren't exchanging gifts as you didn't get anything for my childrens birthdays."

Aeroflotgirl · 18/10/2015 17:56

I would not, they obviously don't give a toss, if they do mention it, just say, I thought we were not doing presents anymore, as you did not buy a birthday present for miniRainbow for quite a while now.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/10/2015 17:57

If they are cheeky to mention your lack of present for their kids, you can be cheeky to say well you did not buy miniRainbow birthday presents so thought that we were not doing presents anymore.

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 18/10/2015 17:58

Agree with the cards suggestion. Sends exactly the right message, and if they have the brass neck to question you can say you assumed they you had stopped doing presents...

I don't know anyone who buys for friends' kids unless seeing them on or very close to the day or going to their party though - it would just get crazy, and kids generally get far too many presents, especially if they have parties or big families... Most young kids don't have the attention span to appreciate more than 3 or 4 birthday/ Christmas presents... I used to do cards, but tbh that petered out too, so I think its plenty - shows you remember and care without getting into insane time cost and expenditure and potential offence at forgetting - and the waste....

Aeroflotgirl · 18/10/2015 18:19

A card is fine, yes say oh hope he has a lovely day.

richmama · 18/10/2015 19:06

I had this and found that the friends in the end were not that close. They really didn't care that much about my DC. This was apparent in how they expected us to see them at their convenience but wouldnt visit in return or phone.

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