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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy their children any more presents?

124 replies

RainbowInACloud · 18/10/2015 16:12

I think I probably am but it's getting on my nerves.
Two of my very good friends have children and I always remember their birthdays, buy presents and send a text on the day. I know both of the mums care about these things so I try hard to remember and get something thoughtful.
For the last two or three years they have forgotten my children's birthdays. Occasionally I have had a text a few days/ weeks later but no catch up present/ card.
I know I'm being precious about my own kids but I'm sick of making a fuss over their kids and get nothing in return. It's not a present things as I'd be happy with a text/ fb message/ card etc.
so- do I not bother with their birthdays anymore? Or is that petulant?
Thanks

OP posts:
TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 18/10/2015 19:15

Don't bother with a card either. Hopefully they won't mention it but if they do then the 'oh I assumed no presents for kids as you've never done it for mine' line is a good one.

annielouise · 18/10/2015 19:24

I would reply to the text saying how he has a good time. No card and no present. They haven't even been sending your kids cards! Why should you send cards to theirs. It's not about taking it out on the kids but I agree with the poster who said they saw how their mother treated the kids of a friend but the friend never treated her the same and it made her feel second class. It would me too. What message would you be sending your kids if you're running around for XX's present when they don't get one back. No need to fall out but from now on just send a text - if you remember. Even a late text - "Hope DS's birthday went well - hard to believe he's 8 now" or something. That's if you still want them as friends but when you get signs of people's character like this it's usually the final nail in the coffin of friendship.

Leelu6 · 18/10/2015 19:43

This reminds me of my DSis. I used to buy birthday and Christmas presents for my nieces and nephews every year (as well as random gifts throughout the year). I never received so much as a card from DSis or DNs. I wouldn't have minded, but my brothers and sisters and mum were receiving birthday cards and gifts every year.

I stopped giving gifts. The kids do remind me of their birthdays but I only now give presents if they have a party.

OP, you sound like a lovely friend. Your friends need to realise that this is hurtful to you.

Original poster
RainbowInACloud · 18/10/2015 19:49

hnmm
Please don't feel bad about just getting a card. One of the friends is short of money and I would never expect or want a present from her. A card or text would be great. Honestly- I'd hate for this thread to make you feel crap. X

OP posts:
Original poster
RainbowInACloud · 18/10/2015 19:52

Thanks for all the other opinions.
I'm going to not do anything on the day and if she asks I'll have a breezy response ready.
Hope she's not reading this thread or my cover will be blown!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 18/10/2015 19:57

How mean of your sister leelu. Good on you op, yes a breezy response if she's rude enough to ask.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2015 07:32

Tbh their attitude would make me think that bit less of them. You said that they do care if you forgot, but it works both ways. They can't not get your docs presents and expect you to get theirs, it is rude and grabby. If they are rude enough to ask, Just a breezy oh I thought we weren't doing presents anymore, as you have not got mini rainbow birthday presents for a few years now. Hope your ds has a lovely day. Leave it at that.

JollyGolightly · 19/10/2015 07:39

I had this and found that the friends in the end were not that close. They really didn't care that much about my DC. This was apparent in how they expected us to see them at their convenience but wouldnt visit in return or phone.

Snap. I had Dc after one of my friends and had always been assiduous about remembering birthdays, asking what they were up to, babysitting and generally showing an interest. When my dc came along it became clear that she had no interest in having a relationship with them. I was very upset and disappointed at the time but am over it now.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2015 07:52

For the friend that could not afford a present, setting a standard of no presents, does not put pressure on her to buy your DC oresents because you bought her DC one.

dingit · 19/10/2015 08:04

My cousin forgot ds birthday. A month later I sent her dd a card with money in ( she's also my god daughter).
Unfortunately they seem to have forgotten even a thankyou text ( they have previous form for this, like every year). So enough is enough, that is the last.

Vernonon · 19/10/2015 08:07

A god-daughter is different though, surely, as you have a direct relationship with the child and have actively agreed to have a relationship with her.

dingit · 19/10/2015 08:17

Of course I do, but I must have failed, as surely at 15 she is old enough to have some manners.

ZanyMobster · 19/10/2015 08:17

I would probably just send a card first time then not bother after that.

My DH bought gifts every year for his friends DCs, they were 8 when our DS was born, during the year he gave gifts then at Xmas we sent a text to ask if there was anything specific they would like and 2 of the 4 responded that now there were lots of children let's just not bother. So it was OK for DH to buy for birthday and Xmas all those years but when it came to reciprocating they didn't want to bother.

I thought maybe it was all over the top so offered to the other 2 friends to stop too and they said absolutely not that we had bought all those years so they were looking forward to buying for ours. The first child has now turned 18 so we gave them a bigger amount of cash but now won't continue of course.

ZanyMobster · 19/10/2015 08:18

Theirs child turned 18, not ours

meditrina · 19/10/2015 08:21

I was wondering how old your DC are, how old theirs are, and how many they/you have.

Because keeping up with all the birthdays in your circle is all exciting with firstborns and first birthdays. But it does tend to ebb. I'd be pissed off if bestie forgot utterly, but I think it's normal for everyone else to fade.

But using a birthday book (or diligently transferring dates between diaries) means you can keep it up a bit longer, and sending cards until the DC are school age should garner you quite a lot of 'aren't you amazing to remember' comments (which I always thought were code for 'damn you for being organised and leaving me feeling vaguely inadequate')

tictactoad · 19/10/2015 09:15

Lord above. Why has it taken three years of agonising and angst to even wonder if you're being UR?

They've sent a clear message they can't be arsed. Text them on the day if you want, don't if you don't and wait to see if anything's said. I very much doubt it will be but if it is just brush it off as they have consistently done to you.

BarbarianMum · 19/10/2015 09:22

Just say "Oh yes? My dc had one of those in X"

They are taking the piss. Don't let them.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2015 10:02

Then rainbow you say, oh how lovely, hope he had a nice day, give him a big hug from rainbow and mini rainbow and leave it at that!

thehousewife · 19/10/2015 10:08

Is just send a card, really to show that you care but there's no need for a present!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 19/10/2015 10:58

what anemone said- gold star!

stop wasting your money , and text only

ZenNudist · 19/10/2015 11:04

I think your plan re breezy reply is a good one. What are you thinking if saying?

Whatsername24 · 19/10/2015 11:20

YANBU! We've gone through this with friends, always sending birthday gifts and cards (they live a distance away) for the kids' birthdays and at Christmas my husband would go over to take gifts on Christmas Eve which would take up half of the day, their father was a former workmate of his and they'd been close enough for this man to be our eldest son's Godfather. One year our kids didn't receive so much as a card each at their birthdays, we still sent to their kids and DH took Christmas pressies and had some in return. Same happened the following year so I just sent cards for their birthdays and at Christmas I thought sod it and just sent a card in the post and we had one in return which is what I thought/hoped would happen.

Now we've got DH's sister failing to send birthday cards, it's not like she's snowed under with nieces and nephews - she has just our two and her husband has none. MIL assures DH that she always reminds his sister but nothing has come from her for a couple of years now and I think my elder son only got a card on his 18th this year because she happened to need a bed for a few nights at short notice and arrived the day after his birthday armed with a card.

JustDanceAddict · 19/10/2015 16:10

I wouldn't. Just send a card in future. If I see friends' kids on the day, they will get a small present & vice versa, but that's it. Mine are older, but I hate being taken advantage of in that way & will always reciprocate, but not give when I get nothing back in any way.

CrumbledFeta · 19/10/2015 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sleeponeday · 19/10/2015 16:29

If they ask just say that you'd assumed as they never bought cards or gifts there was no expectation you would, either.