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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To struggle with house guests?

78 replies

Marcher · 18/10/2015 07:27

We have my parents stay for 4-5 nights regularly.
I really struggle with having to cook, clean, entertain and deal with them for the duration.
Is it just me? How do other people do it without destroying the relationship??

OP posts:
KittyandTeal · 18/10/2015 07:31

No I struggle too. I'm quite an introvert and need quite a bit of time to myself (I don't include DH and dd, they can be around but that's it)

I am really close to my DB and SIL but I find more than a night hard.

Over Christmas we have pil and bil and his gf (who I've met twice) staying over for 3 nights.

I know I'm being ur but the idea of it is starting to make me dread Christmas. (Especially as it will be a tough one this year without dd2)

Marue · 18/10/2015 07:31

I struggle with a few days, long showers and leaving the tap running when cleaning teeth gets me crazy as water is so expensive in the south east.

HixieRice · 18/10/2015 07:31

4-5 nights regularly? Then it's not a special occasion.... put them to work chopping carrots, washing dishes etc. Dont entertain them, they're just part of your life. Do you have kids? Ask them to babysit while they're there and have a night out. Seriously, nobody will enjoy this time if you're frazzled!

Marue · 18/10/2015 07:31

South west!

CrohnicallyAspie · 18/10/2015 07:33

YANBU.

Firstly, I don't have people 'regularly'. In the past year, we have had house guests maybe 3 times- and one of those was babysitting my niece.
Secondly, I usually only have people for one night. The most I've ever had guests for is 3 nights.
Thirdly, once kids are in bed, I'm off duty!

Original poster
Marcher · 18/10/2015 07:34

We do have young kids (younger than school age). They won't look after the kids at night as it's "too hard". The don't help cook dinner, they say "oh don't do that, we will do that" but they don't. I've tried sitting down as soon as they say that, but they don't actually get up, so now I realise they're not actually offering.

OP posts:
Stanky · 18/10/2015 07:35

I agree with Hixie, if they stay that regularly, then they must be part of the furniture now.

Marue · 18/10/2015 07:38

Why do they stay so regularly?

Don't they go off sometimes and do their own thing?

Stanky · 18/10/2015 07:39

That does sound tough. How did you come to this arrangement? Could you at least cut it down to 2 nights?

OfficeGirl1969 · 18/10/2015 07:39

No helpful suggestions but I share your pain.....I love people, but I really struggle with sharing my space, even sometimes with OH. I think I should have been a hermit.....(kidding, love him to bits, just really like my own space)

We unexpectedly had a guest for four days, for a very valid reason, and they didn't do anything wrong....but just having someone else in the house put me on edge...

Crosbybeach · 18/10/2015 07:43

It depends on the person. I'm a proper hermit and need my own space. But guests who muck in, do their own thing, make a meal, sort themselves out at breakfast. All good.

Waiting on people hand and foot while they sit around, that would get old v quickly. It's not a hotel!

InMySpareTime · 18/10/2015 07:47

I hate having guests. I hate loading and running the dishwasher constantly, running out of cutlery (we have 20 place settings' worth, how can we run out after 1 meal for 6 people?Confused).
I hate that guests make the house smell wrong, and that they expect me to make conversation in the evening when I'd rather lay on the sofa in my PJs and have a foot rub.
I hate that it takes so long to get everyone out of the house when we have guests, and I hate the shoes all over the hallway.
I hate that guests limit what I can cook, with their odd food foibles, and that their house rules clash with mine.
PILs think it's fine to talk with food in their mouths, and to spit bits of chewed gristle onto the side of their plates. This is not on in my book (but I have to grin and bear it because they're guests)!
Ooh, that was cathartic Smile

Oysterbabe · 18/10/2015 07:53

I have a two night maximum tolerance level and that's either staying with someone or them staying with me.

KKCupCake · 18/10/2015 07:54

Yeah, feeling that. My Parents have a 3 hr drive and so can't stay less than a week, usually 2. I HATE having other people in my space but get guilted into having them to stay as we chose to move from near them and so it is my 'fault' that they need to now travel for 3 hours. MY DP is super supportive but I still end up a sniveling wreck at the end of it. I'm running out of excuses (oh just ill/hormonal/menopausal) And I know if I say, 'Actually I'm a wreck because I don't like anyone being in my space and I don't feel like I can tell you that' they will never forgive me. No useful suggestions though sorry, however I think YANBU x

KKCupCake · 18/10/2015 07:55

I hasten to add DM says they can't less than a week not me!

OfficeGirl1969 · 18/10/2015 08:01

I feel so much better reading all the above posts....I actually thought I was a horrible person for how I feel about visitors.....so glad it's not just me....maybe we are rather solitary animals after all!

Runningupthathill82 · 18/10/2015 08:03

I love having house guests - but I think that's because I don't set myself high standards and just go with the flow.
I mean, before they come I'll clean, change the beds and get clean towels ready for them - but (if I know them well - and I invariably do) after that we're all equals in terms of cleaning up, cooking, making brews, etc.
I just see it as having more people to chat to around the house, and more people to entertain DS. A good reason to turn the tv off and have a good talk over a bottle of wine instead. I like it!

krazipan · 18/10/2015 08:04

That's exactly how I feel InMySpareTime! I could have written your post Grinespecially the houses smelling wrong and shoes in the hallway. It drives me mad. One Christmas I walked into my living room and it was like a greenhouse, my sisters had turned my thermostat up so the heating was on at 25c!

BasinHaircut · 18/10/2015 08:05

I hate it. Have SIL, her DH and DNEphew (4) staying for 2 weeks at Xmas. Last time DN was 18m and I was 20-odd weeks pregnant and they stayed 3 weeks. We only had a 2 bed then and DH and I moved into the spare room into the sofa bed to accomodate them.

They took over every room in the house with stuff. There was always an electronic device or 7 plugged in and cluttering up my kitchen counters.

Every time they took showers or washed up the kitchen and bathroom looked like they had been flooded.

They did a load of washing EVERY DAY.

I could not wait to see the back of them.

This time we are in the middle of renovations and as its Xmas there will be generally more 'stuff' around, washing will all have to be dried inside etc.

I'm dreading it.

Ifiwasabadger · 18/10/2015 08:07

YANBU and TBH I'm amazed you have them to stay at such length, so frequently! I live overseas and my parents visit for ten days a year. Love em but God I am happy when they go.

What's the old saying about house guests being like fish...? Some thing like ok for a few days, then they start to go off Smile

If you hav them to stay that often i would be creating some new ground rules about what is expected of them.

Abraid2 · 18/10/2015 08:10

My Parents have a 3 hr drive and so can't stay less than a week, usually 2.

Three hours is not that long a drive! Why can't they stay a night or two max? We drive 3.5 hours each way to have lunch with our son sometimes.

OfficeGirl1969 · 18/10/2015 08:10

Basin I am actually cringing on your behalf, you poor thing! If you do nothing else, Google the nearest launderette and declare your own washing machine broken the day they arrive. Tell them you're so very sorry but they will have to take their washing out (and if they wouldn't mind taking yours as well that would be much appreciated.....)

Strawclutching · 18/10/2015 08:14

My husband wants us to have a sofa bed so people can stay. He can't understand why I'm resisting. I love people. Just not in my house.

Karoleann · 18/10/2015 08:18

The rule we have is that people that don't help with the kids etc are only welcome for a max of two nights at the weekend. (This includes MIL)

Anyone that helps out with the children can stay for longer (my Mum/DH's cousin), although 3-4 nights is still my absolute max.

My MIL lives a 4 hr train journey away and my DM a 3 hr car journey.

They just need to stay for less time (or help) and it'll be much more pleasant.

Crosbybeach · 18/10/2015 08:21

op if you can't have a word with them, then maybe DH could.

Say he's taking you out for a treat, and present it as a fact accompli, they brought you up so they'll probably be able to manage the kids for an evening.

Do it every time so it either becomes the norm or they start to cut short their visits. Give them a list and send them to the shops, give your dad the Hoover and instructions. Once it becomes less like a hotel they might get the hint.